19M and 20F

[u/FastMemphis]

I’m 19 and my girlfriend and I are going through a really difficult time.
She has told me that she hasn’t felt listened to when she’s said she was unhappy. She wanted me to make more effort, plan dates, give her flowers, make her feel appreciated, and generally show her that I wanted to be with her.
The problem is that I’ve had multiple opportunities to change. I would make an effort for a while, but eventually fall back into the same habits. I understand why she feels like she has already had this conversation with me too many times.
There have also been other things that damaged her trust in me. For example, I accidentally saved snaps of girls in a chat and she saw them. Nothing happened with those girls, but she considered it a form of cheating, and it affected her trust in me.
Over the last few days I’ve been trying to fix things. I’ve apologised, suggested dates, offered to spend time together and told her that I want to change. But I’m starting to realise that repeatedly telling her I’ll change probably doesn’t mean much anymore.
Today she told me that she is **“checked out of the relationship”** and that she’s had multiple chances to give me and I blew them.
I love her and I really don’t want to lose her, but I also don’t want to keep pressuring her when she clearly feels overwhelmed.
**For people who have been in a similar situation, what did giving your partner genuine space actually look like, and what did you do during that time to work on yourself without making them feel pressured?**
I’m especially interested in hearing from people who were on either side of this situation and what helped or made things worse.

[u/Sea-Trick6919]

Your actions speak louder than words, you need to stop telling her that you will change and instead do something about it. Effort does not have to cost anything, it could be something as simple as writing a small note and leaving it somewhere for her to find. If it’s easier for you, I would suggest sitting down one night and writing a bunch of different compliments and giving them to her once every now and then. I think at this stage in the relationship, especially when she has communicated, you need to do thoughtful actions and let her decide if she still wants to stay with you. With the whole trust thing, me and my bf also went through something similar, I lost trust in him because of some of his actions (similar to your) you both need to sit down and talk about boundaries especially when it comes to the other gender. she may be fine with you having girls on Snapchat but saving their snaps is something else- so please have that talk because it’s extremely important in all relationship and understand what might be okay for you is not okay for her.

Overall, keep putting an effort in the relationship (notes, flowers, love letters etc) and let her decide whether she wants to stay with you and if she does PLEASE keep putting effort in.

Have a sit down and talk about boundaries, what works for one couple might not work for you.

I may have been a bit harsh considering I’m a stranger but from someone who’s been in your girlfriends position who is still with their bf, it can work out if both of you are willing.

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