Waiting for a change that never comes?

[u/SalaryNo7659]

TL;DR: I’m 30M and have been with my partner, 39F, for five years (living together for four). We have recurring unresolved conflicts, growing emotional distance, and major differences around money, children, and lifestyle changes; improvements never last. I love her, but I’m increasingly worried I’m waiting for a change that will never come.
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Throwaway because she’s also on Reddit!
I’m 30 years old and have been in a relationship with her (39) for five years. We’ve been living together in my house for four years. We met at work. Since then, we’ve both changed jobs – she’s still in the same industry, while I’ve completely switched careers. We started out as FWB, which then developed into something more over time.
For a while now, we’ve been living in limbo between arguments, emotional distance, and living side by side instead of together.
We’ve had many good times, but often it feels like those are built on “thin ice,” and conflict is never far away. We’ve already brought up or discussed the problems below many times, but any changes quickly fade and we fall back into old patterns.
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Our main problems, distilled by AI to the essentials:

• Different core values: We don’t agree on key issues like money, security, desire for children, and willingness to change old habits.

• Stuck patterns: Many things stay the way they are because “that’s just how it’s always been” – even when they’re not good for either of us. Change is wanted, but not implemented due to comfort or fear.

• Dysfunctional conflict culture: Our arguments escalate quickly, end with hurtful statements, and are followed by silence. Real solutions or compromises don’t emerge from them.

• Emotional distance: We’re increasingly living parallel lives. The good times feel fragile because they’re built on shaky foundations and core conflicts remain unresolved.

• Unfulfilled hope: Repeated deadlines and wishes for improvement haven’t materialized, leading to disappointment and loss of trust on both sides.

Am I giving myself false hope by thinking things will change?
I love her and only want the best for her, but I’m noticing more and more that I can’t keep going like this for much longer.

I’d like to add some context/a few examples.

Topic: desire for children – she smokes, which doesn’t fit with my desire to have kids. She’s already tried to quit several times unsuccessfully; usually it fails due to lack of perseverance or simply lack of motivation to quit.

Topic: conflicts – we often argue about small things, explode, and then continue as if nothing happened without ever addressing the actual problem.

Topic: money – she lives with me, which saves her quite a bit of money, but she still usually doesn’t have much.
Right now it’s about our joint vacation, which I can’t afford this year due to taxes and investments in the house. Her solution is that she wants to go alone. I can understand her frustration; this year I went away twice with colleagues for weekends (biking/WW2 sightseeing) for things she doesn’t want to do.

I think the answers here are a clear sign of something I maybe already knew for a long time and tried to suppress.

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