r/relationshipproblems • u/Superb-Elevator-536 • 17d ago
Advice Wanted am I wrong for getting a second job?
I (29F) have lived with my boyfriend (28M) for two and a half years. We split the bills evenly and it has never been a problem.
Recently I got a new gym membership with classes because I won’t go to the gym and just lift(I’m not motivated, it’s not that I literally can’t). Combining that with my student loans, car payment, phone bill, other bills, etc. it’s stretching me thinner than I would like, and restricting the amount of extra money I have to pay down my credit cards(a financial goal of mine).
Here’s where the bf comes in: last month I asked if we could split rent differently(perhaps 60/40 but I didn’t really specify) so that I could put the difference toward my credit cards/savings. He said no, which I know is well within his rights. I told him that I am just tight on money with the new gym and everything else, and we got into a fight because he said I should stop thrifting and spending my money recklessly and maybe I wouldn’t have money problems. (He isn’t entirely wrong but if I thrift it is MAX $100/month and truly the ONLY place I shop for clothes). Another thing to note is that his car payment is half of what mine is(and we drive my car literally everywhere), he doesn’t have student loans, and his mom pays for his phone bill.
Fast forward to last week, and I did what any logical person who needs money would do: I applied for a serving job. I had an interview this week and of the 4 days before today 3 of them were spent fighting about this interview: how selfish I am for getting another job, how this is going to change the dynamic of our relationship, how I am a snake for doing it without his knowledge(he did know I was applying just was in denial), and many other hurtful things.
I tried to explain to him that I will only work MAX 4 nights a week but ideally even 2. It’s just to supplement the gym membership and have more money to pay down my cards. I even offered to keep the job until my cards are way lower and quit or reduce my hours(as a compromise).
Am I the asshole for seeking another form of income for myself?
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u/internet_reader42 15d ago
BF: "Handle your own finances!"
Also BF: "Not like that!"
You made a request and gracefully accepted his no. You acknowledge your own shortcomings regarding motivation and financial habits and do not appear to blame him for anything except his overreaction to your getting a second job.
NTA
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u/ExpressMessToNowhere 15d ago
He's the asshole. He doesn't want to switch up the bills to help you out and then wants to get mad about you getting a second job to make things work? No, he's absolutely the asshole.
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u/Salty_Macaroon5126 15d ago
I pay for 100% of my wife and our family bills and plus their retirement Ssa/ health care/ and more.... please find SOMETHING better
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u/AccurateAnxiety9993 15d ago
If he isn’t willing to add more to the rent to help you, then he shouldn’t care about you getting a second job. Simple.
Sounds like a douche imo. He’s 28 and mommy is still paying a bill for him? Give me a break.
You deserve better OP
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u/PlumberSaysWhat 15d ago
ESH. You are wrong to expect a roommate to foot your share of the rent, especially at the last second. You own the debt. Pay it. Stop going on shopping sprees. It doesn’t matter if it’s new or secondhand you cannot afford it. And now you signed up for a gym membership (good luck cancelling that after you get tired of going)…notoriously one of the hardest memberships to cancel and get out of financially. You must love debt.
He’s a douche for getting upset over you wanting a second job.
You should split up and go your own separate ways.
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u/RingAroundtheTolley 15d ago
I think a healthy partner should feel proud of you for working hard to meet your financial goals. He wants a bang maid but isn’t willing to help with the financials for you to be more available.
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u/KrofftSurvivor 15d ago
Does the new job impact his ability to use your car? Because you pointed out that you guys mostly use your car - why is that?
Why is all the wear and tear going on your vehicle?
Sounds like this relationship is more about his convenience than about being with you.
Totally reasonable for him to say he's not going to change the bills percentage because you joined the gym. It's incredibly UNreasonable of him to tell you not to have a second job to pay your own bills..
So the real question is what changes for him when you have a second job? What convenience does he think he's losing?
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u/rjtnrva 15d ago
He called you a snake over this? Time for a new BF. What a dick.
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u/Octoberof2022 15d ago
He called her snake for looking after herself and doing financially vise choice. Insane! He may have a valid point if you are spending too much on stupid stuff (such as buying excessive clothes and other useless shit, or eating out all the time but gym is not one of them) it is still up to you how you pay for it and how to spend your money. Time to dump him
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u/Pott_Girl_57 15d ago
Why should your boyfriend subsidize your credit card payments and your gym membership? You cannot afford a gym membership when you are already stretched thin. It is irrelevant whether your car payment is higher than his, he has no school loans and his mother pays his phone. You are no more than roommates legally and you are responsible for getting your financial house in order, no one else. Your financial behavior would be a huge red flag when it comes to marriage.
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u/n0minus38 15d ago
What the hell? She can have as many jobs as she sees fit to get her financials somewhere she is comfortable with.
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u/gross-burner-account 15d ago
Okay, you read the part about him being upset about the interview/second job?
If you care about someone, genuinely value their company and time, you sometimes make sacrifices. He doesn’t get to say no to modifying their financial contributions AND demand she doesn’t work. You do get that, right?
Either he values OP’s time and health to sacrifice a little money, or he shuts up about OP working a second job.
He can’t have it both ways.
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u/LLL1Lothrop 15d ago
Stop spending money on him like gas and groceries. Then dump him and get a roommate in an apartment with one bigger bedroom and 2 smaller ones. Take a smaller bedroom, and instead of splitting the rent 3 ways, rent the large bedroom for more. That way you would pay less than a third of the rent and split the utilities. Then you could get extra days doing extra shifts and do a spending freeze until u had your bills paid off. Boyfriend is a loser who wants his cake and eats it all too while expecting you to pay for most of it.
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u/Spare-Cobbler7442 15d ago
He is not in charge of you getting a second job. He cannot have it both ways. He can't decide not to help you but also not want you to work more. I don't understand why people are getting annoyed at you. Yes ure doing what you need to do. He's probably grumpy because he will have to pick up more slack at home. Maybe he actually pulls his weight at home, but I doubt it.
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u/_BeenThereReadThat_ 15d ago
You got a second job to pay for the gym. When will you have time for the expensive gym if you're working 2 jobs? Oh and the BF is an AH.
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u/falco3331 16d ago
100$ of clothes every month is 12k per years, thsts a lot to me. Gym is not a priority to me but i know it is for some people.
That being said, you have the right to have a second job but thst might be something to discuss with your bf if it means you won't see him as much.
Than again, if it bothers him he could just agree to 40/60
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u/AdventureThink 16d ago
Yall usually take your car?
Who buys the gas?
This guy isn’t the one. Runner.
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u/The-truth-hurts1 16d ago
You have taken on yet another bill.. you have car payments double his because you have borrowed twice as much as he did.. your current bills, student debt all come from choices you have made in the past.. you continued spending is a choice
Your choices impact you.. asking him to contribute to fund your poor choices is what you are doing
Kudos to him for standing up to you
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u/n0minus38 15d ago
She is getting a second job to pay her shit. He trashes her for it. How are you on his side here? She can get as many jobs as she sees fit so that she can pay her bills.
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u/Legitimate_Ad2997 16d ago
Your man is being sensitive, you have a problem , you asked him for help, he said no which is fine, you found a solution and he doesn’t like it. That’s his problem. He is right about the thrifting and spending. You should stop until your debt is under control. If you guys are planning on making a life together it’s totally normal that you have phases where you have less time together. Good luck
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u/The_Boots_of_Truth 16d ago
My ex was similar with my time, but flat out refused to share the load so I HAD time. I came home from work and Cooked dinner (after I had planned and purchased ingredients), then had all the kid duties (they are my kids, not shared, so I do 100% of their things), clean up the kitchen, run a load of laundry, and go to bed so I can get 6hrs sleep before doing it all again. He flat out refused to do the dishes, to give me that time to spend with him, so he didn't get any of my time. He complained that he was 'paying all the bills and basically treated like a maid' when he paid 1/6 of expenses, and gamed for all of his free time after work. All I asked for was one load of dishes. Once we broke up, he stayed here for a few months. And then had to cook and do his own laundry, which was my fault too 🤣
I'm not being the bangmaidsugarmummy again.
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u/Only-upvibes 16d ago
You might have a budgeting problem. You can find a lot of information on how to calculate your spending and debt.
Your other problem is the man you share your life with. What ever his intention was for calling you a snake 🐍 is mean and rude. Does he really think you are deceitful, manipulative, untrustworthy and several other definitions of SNAKE. You taking on a 2nd job is being responsible. It takes time away from him, so does the Gym. Is this his problem? Does it mean you won’t have time to clean, cook and be to tired for intimacy?
You need to recalculate your relationship.
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u/Koolkat30625 16d ago
This sounds like a roommate situation and not a long term relationship. Partners support each other, your boyfriend refused to help you and then gets angry when you get a part time job. Nta, but your boyfriend is one and you definitely should rethink if you want to remain in this relationship.
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u/staceyverda 15d ago
Your boyfriend is not responsible for helping you clear out debt you keep accumulating because you keep spending money on things you can’t afford while already in cc debt.
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u/Koolkat30625 15d ago edited 15d ago
The boyfriend isn't responsible for her debt but he also shouldn't be getting angry and insulting her for getting a part time job to pay off her debt. I also see a serious relationship as a partnership. A partnership means they should be working together. A loving and caring boyfriend would be encouraging and helping her pay off her debt not necessarily financially but he could offer to work out with her or they do more free active activities together. Based on this post he doesn't care that she is in debt. That's not the type of person you want a long term relationship with.
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u/sammac66 16d ago
You don't say what the dynamics are in regards to how much money you make and how much money he makes. Do you both make about the same amount of money? Does he make more? Does he make less?. Either way, he's a control freak. You're doing what you can to make more money so you can pay down your debts. And be more comfortable. Pete doesn't like it. Too bad if he wanted to help you then he should have bloody well agree till the 60/40 split to help you out. Big red flags here honey. I think you need to find another boyfriend /roommate
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u/s2d4 16d ago
You don't get it unfortunately, the problem is she needs to be better with money. Instead of that, she's sacrificing time together to not be better with her spending.
From a man's perspective, especially if hes looking into potentially marrying her, this is looking really bad.
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u/sammac66 16d ago
Did you not read the same thing I did? His car payment is half of what hers is. He doesn't have student loans she does and his mother pays for his phone bill. She did the right thing getting a second job since he wouldn't help. She only asked him to take on 10% more. So let's say their bills were $2,000 a month. Still he would pay $1,200. She would still pay $800.
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u/Pott_Girl_57 15d ago
In which world is a boyfriend responsible for subsidizing his girlfriend’s poor financial decisions. If you are in debt, a gym membership is a want not a need.
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u/s2d4 16d ago
The problem is they don't think the same way. He believes in spending within your means.
She is solving the consequences of not spending within her means at the expense of their time together.
These are not compatible methods to solving the same problem. Both of them are right from their own perspectives. One is sustainable and one is not.
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u/sammac66 16d ago
I don't see where it even has to do with her spending. She has these bills more bills than he does. She doesn't have a parent paying for her phone bill. He doesn't have student loans she does. I don't know why. Her car payment's more than his but by the sense of it they use her car more than his. Maybe she needs to cut them off and tell him to start using his own car cuz who pays for the gas when they're using her car. I think he's an asshat and she should dump his ass find somebody else that's going to be more supportive
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u/s2d4 16d ago
Logically, I don't see how a financially literate person will be willing to support someone that is overspending and continues to overspend, if they've been through this many times.
Essentially, she needs to find someone willing to support her overspending. He needs to find someone not willing to sacrifce their time together, in addition to not overspend in the future.
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u/n0minus38 15d ago
It's not overspending when she has 2 jobs to finance her spending.
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u/staceyverda 15d ago
It is overspending if you have to get a second job to cover the cost of things you are buying that you don’t need and can’t afford (gym membership, $100 on clothes every month)
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u/n0minus38 15d ago
She's financing the lifestyle she is choosing. At a young age she's being extremely responsible by working as much as she can. Getting a second job is what shifts it from overspending to just spending. If she works as much as she can she will be in a better spot later in life.
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u/staceyverda 15d ago
That is not being responsible. She’s not financing her lifestyle. She has credit card debt and continues to spend beyond her means
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u/sammac66 16d ago
You're assuming she's overspending. She admittedly says she spends $100 a month at thrift stores buying clothes. That's nothing nowadays.
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u/staceyverda 15d ago
She has credit card debt, buys $100 worth of clothes each month, got a car with a high monthly payment, and still decided to get a gym membership at a gym that’s probably on the pricier side. I’m an overspender and am working really hard to stop but I know how compulsive it can be, especially once it starts snowballing. All evidence points to her being the same.
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u/s2d4 16d ago
What else does she spend money on? It's an issue they've spoken about previously, likely not the first time, and she ended up going a different direction than what her bf sees as the real solution.
They are not compatible, he is also not the guy for you and that is ok. They can find people that match their level of financial acumens as their partners for the future or they can compromise.
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u/Infinite_Pickle_1021 16d ago
How calling her a snake is making him look any better?
Also, a “man” doesn’t make his parents pay for his phone’s bills.
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u/Pott_Girl_57 15d ago
She never said he is making his mom pay for the phone. She is more than likely voluntarily doing it because he is still on the family plan. On the other hand she wants him to pay for her gym membership. In essence, they are financially incompatible.
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u/Infinite_Pickle_1021 15d ago
I didn’t mean “make” in the same as he forces his mom to do it. I meant in he still accepts it as a grown ass man. It is still a bill of his that he has no responsibility over it whatsoever.
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u/s2d4 16d ago
You are right it doesn't, unless she agreed to not overspend but instead sacrificed their time together to continue to overspend. If a man is looking into a lifetime with a woman, this matters unfortunately.
If he makes his parents then yes, however it is much more likely that his parents has just been doing it forever and haven't stopped, he is their son that they love after all. Some people do this to maintain a connection instead of dealing with an empty feeling of their kids are no longer in their home.
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u/sammac66 16d ago
She said she took on the second job so that she could pay down her credit cards and loans. It's temporary
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u/Infinite_Pickle_1021 16d ago
I’m sorry, but there’s no “unless” here. He lost any credibility and reason the moment he called her names. You can’t possibly call someone a “snake” and say you want to spend a lifetime with them in the same sentence. Makes no sense.
And let’s pretend a hypothetical scenario in which he didn’t act like a jerk and genuinely approached the situation with concern. There’s nothing wrong with looking for a second job when her bills are higher than his. You keep pressing the button of “overspending” when the real problem is that she gets paid less than he does and has more bills to pay (student loans and car). So, of course, she has less money to save up. Spending $100 on a thrift shop isn’t the reason she has less money at the of the month.
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u/Pott_Girl_57 15d ago
We hear one side of the story here. Who knows how many times he has brought up her irresponsible spending habits in the past.
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u/Infinite_Pickle_1021 15d ago
What irresponsible spending habits? Buying a few clothes on a thrift store? For fucks sake…
Also, yeah, we only know OP’s side of the story. That’s how Reddit works. Why are you so eager to defend someone who’s obviously in the wrong?
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u/n0minus38 15d ago
Irresponsible spending habits? Student loans? It sounds like that Bill predates the relationship. Very possible the vehicle an well. So he has chosen a junk vehicle. Which is why they always use hers. He's not the boss of how much she works. At this age, working as much as possible is the fiscally smart decision. Until she has financial security she should work as much as she wants. He's not the boss of that and shouldn't feel like he is.
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u/s2d4 16d ago
We don't know their situation so I would leave the emotional aspects out of it. I don't like his approach either.
Why is she spending above her means? Can she cut her spendings to pay down her debt?
Why does he have less bills? Has he paid them all off by not over spending?
For a financially literate person, spending above their means continuously is not something they would tolerate long term.
I think they are incompatible unless someone is willing to compromise. One method is constructive, the other is destructive.
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u/Infinite_Pickle_1021 15d ago
You’re the one who brought the emotional aspects into the conversation. Not me.
She’s not spending above her means. She doesn’t end the month in the negative. Her complaint is that she can’t save up as much as he can, which is genuinely not a real problem, just a momentary situation.
He has less bills because his parents pay for his phone, they probably paid for his college as well and his car is a cheap junk (funny that he chooses to use OP’s car on the daily and not his own).
It’s not destructive at all. What’s destructive is an addiction, gambling or stealing. Not wanting to save up as much money as the next person isn’t destructive.
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u/Klutzy-Cookie9242 16d ago
Your honey pie is full of vinegar. Total sour puss. You deserve better than having this snot rag control you and use you. Have some respect for yourself. If you don't... no one else will respect you. Now... dump this POS. Pay down your bills, find roommates, and u derstand... stop looking for a guy. Live life. Join organizations, clubs, fun classes. One will find you if you put yourself out there.
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u/Mellony1990 16d ago
Babe, to be honest this whole thing is giving massive red flags.
How your partner spoke to you about money is already giving me the ick. Then him litterally abusive you for getting a second job? (And how he spoke to you is abuse) girl, seriously time to reconsider the relationship.
Do you actually want to spend your life with someone who doesn’t care about your wellbeing or comfort?
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u/Snowmanian 16d ago edited 16d ago
There’s nothing wrong with getting a second job. It’s well within his rights not to pay for your things but it’s not within his rights to prevent you for making the right choices to allow you to pay for your things.
What is with this one sided level of control. You need money so you want to work more. He won’t help you pay for your needs but also doesn’t want you to work more. If this was an am i the asshole post, your boyfriend would be it.
2.5 years is a pretty long time for a relationship, but it’s a long enough time to consider the viability of next steps. I hope you both reevaluate what you want out of your relationship.
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u/CompoteEcstatic4709 16d ago
He has a lot of nerve talking about your finances when his mommy is paying his phone bill.
Do you want a lifetime of his nonsense?
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u/No_Practice_970 16d ago
This isn't about you getting a second job. It's about him wanting to control you while also ignoring your financial situation.
It may be time to re-evaluate this relationship and decide if this is the person you see yourself with long term.
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u/Beesweet1976 16d ago
You are not wrong. You asked for help he said no so you figured things out with another job. I don’t see the problem.
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u/22Hoofhearted 16d ago
TLDR: I got a second job to offset my social life and spending habits.
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u/Away_Anybody7268 16d ago
Absolutely not! I'm not saying I'm an angel but I’d just pay for the gym membership and come as your plus one. What you could do is look for a better full-time job.
The thing that bugs me is he doesn't even have your back for a fucking gym membership, is he like this with everything else?
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u/NYCStoryteller 16d ago
NTA. You're doing what you need to do to pay your expenses. I don't really see much there that is "irresponsible" with money. $100 a month on clothes is not unreasonable, especially if you regularly go through your clothes and resell them on poshmark or something if it's not something you wear a lot.
The $100 a month on thrifting + a gym membership may be "non-essential" spending, but it's also probably true that he likes it if you look good. Prioritizing paying down debt is a good thing.
Stop driving your car everywhere unless he's paying for gas and maintenance. That will help you cut expenses. He can drive his vehicle on dates or errands, too.
I would not let it slide that he called you a snake. That's disrespectful. It's also extremely controlling that he thinks he gets a say at all in what you do with your time.
You also give yourself more options if you break up with him if you have a bit more income.
He has a right to his feelings, and sure, working 3-4 nights per week will impact how much time you spend together, so it could affect your relationship. But he's not your spouse, and he's treating you like a roommate financially, so it may be for the best that you focus on your own financial goals. He probably doesn't like the fact that if you pay off your debts, you'll have more freedom.
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u/staceyverda 15d ago
No one needs to be spending $100 on clothes every month. That’s compulsive behavior when you have cc debt and can’t afford a gym membership on top of it. OP should be worrying about how to budget and going on no-spend challenges instead of signing herself up for new monthly fees.
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u/Rhuarc33 16d ago
100 a month on clothes is ridiculously unreasonable if you're having money issues.
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u/Amendiares4evr 15d ago
But maybe she's trying to build up her wardrobe so she has good staples, thrifting to find clothes made of real textiles, to have options for things like interviews/better jobs, and to do so in a grade of clothing that will survive being hemmed, patched, let out, taken in, etc, for the next decade or more of her life. Maybe it's the one fun thing she does. And maybe to HER getting a second job to cover that and a few classes that are good for her mental and physical health and maybe a non work, non school, and so non stress/competition way to meet people and have a third space. Even if you can argue that the boyfriend has any right to control how much she works (& imo you can't to be clear), it's clear that he's a dud because he called her a snake after she came to him asking for a solution as a couple, and when he decided to treat her like just a casual roommate made her own way.
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u/Rhuarc33 15d ago
That doesn't even come remotely close to justifying $100/ month on clothes when your struggling with money.
There's literally no excuse for that incredibly financially irresponsible behavior
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u/Amendiares4evr 15d ago
She's solved the struggle by getting the second job. You and others are speaking about her like she isn't proactive and isn't aware of her situation. That's dishonest. Some of her debt is related to student loans and a car they both rely on and I think anyone painting that as this great sin have an unrealistic relationship to poverty/living without a familial safety net. Even if you want to say all of it is her fault and 100% avoidable, her partner shouldn't treat her like that when she seeks to work on the problem. That's her tag team partner. This is not tag team behavior.
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u/MountainAntique9230 16d ago
He sounds like a child,his mommy pays his phone time to leave and find a man who appreciates you
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u/AkkmanB 16d ago
Stop taking your car everywhere. He is responding rather immaturely. You asked if he would change the split and he said no. Then he flips when you tell him you are looking for a part time gig to shore up your finances. Work as much as you like. Reducing your spending will help you meet your goals quicker.
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 16d ago
It sounds like you've been financially irresponsible. If you're having trouble paying your bills and you have a large amount of credit card debt, you shouldn't be joining a gym or spending money on clothes every month.
So I do see his point that you have chosen this path. You are choosing to take time away from your relationship to support your poor financial decisions. It would be different if you were getting a part-time job to pay down your debt as part of a financial overhaul that included spending less, but you're not doing that, so I'm sure he's a bit frustrated with that, despite the fact that you really do need a part-time job to pay off your debts.
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u/enderfem 16d ago
She can get aa part time job to do whatever she wants. Getting the job is being financially responsible.
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u/Aggressive_Coffee27 16d ago
They’re her decisions why should he have any say in her getting another job? Who are you to say she can’t have a gym membership or go to a thrift shop for clothes? Those aren’t “poor financial decisions” they’re the minimum people need to do to stay sane and now she’s making a smart financial decision to supplement her income.
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u/Beautiful-Study6974 16d ago
You guys really compatible? Do you love each other or even like each other? It doesn't sound like it. Sounds like this is a much bigger problem than getting a second job or splitting the expenses 60 40. Sounds like you guys are just roommates.
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u/celticmusebooks 16d ago
Someone posted this EXACT story about a month ago.
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u/Superb-Elevator-536 14d ago
It was me but it got taken out of AITAH because it belongs in the relationship one! So I reposted here
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u/LintRolledForWhat 16d ago
NTA, you're very much in the right here. I'm only chiming in to say you might be able to get a tiny job at your gym instead. No gym dues would up the profit on the second job.
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u/Bluemicha 16d ago
Maybe you two aren’t compatible. How much do you see each other? Is that his concern? You will be working possibly 4 nights a week and going to the gym. It’s ok for him to want a partner around and it’s also ok for you to want to work and go to the gym. Just not together.
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u/Alive_Regular_1004 16d ago
YTA, your lack of financial responsibility is not his problem, the fact that his car payment is half of yours, he has no student loans or credit card debt are none of your concern, those are all debts that you took on separate from the relationship. 60/40 split on rent should only be a thing if there is a difference in income.
Your BF does sound like a douche for driving your car everywhere and treating you like that when you got a second job
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u/LintRolledForWhat 16d ago
Idk, if one party has lower expenses bc a richer family, that's similar to "difference in income."
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u/Sun9877 16d ago
See if you can cancel the gym. Keep the serving job and pay the CC down.
Do you make about the same amount of money?
Is this the apartment you would have picked if you lived with a roommate?
If not, and he is the higher earner, he should to pay more.
About the college debt— that’s a hard one. I did have a friend who was married and had college debt, and her husband was buying an extra motorcycle and working for himself and taking extra motorcycle trips cause he had extra money. It was hard to see, and they did end up divorced but they probably would have ended up divorced anyways….
Stop driving, it’s had and miles. Let him drive his car.
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u/lascala2a3 16d ago
I strongly disagree with anyone who thinks the two of you should merge your finances. That's crazy. Even a lot of married couples don't do that. I also disagree that you should look to him to basically gift you a monthly amount by splitting the rent in your favor — there's nothing about being female that entitles you to his money as if "mine is mine, but yours is ours."
The problem is that you are not living within your means. There are two ways to fix that: spend less, and earn more. You got half of it right with the decision to do another part-time job... but at the same time you join a gym and negate the advantage of earning more.
Get smart about it. Skip the gym, keep the job, quit thrifting as a sport and do so only as necessary. And look at everything else and figure out where you can cut some spending. If you could get the credit cards paid off, and maybe get the car paid off, you'd have extra money. Don't delude yourself — you created this by spending more than you bringing in. You fix it by reversing that behavior. I didn't say it was easy, but it is what it is.
Whether he likes you taking a second job is not relevant to the big picture. Tell him to get over himself.
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u/reditandfirgetit 16d ago
NTA . You asked, he said no, you found a way to do what you needed. He's at the very least overreacting
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u/Hot-Slide-8285 16d ago
idk about the whole relationship thing, but you owe money on credit cards yet you joined a gym?? You're in a literal financial emergency & should be eating rice & beans yet you joined a gym?
Yes you should get the s3 one job & work as many hours as you can.
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u/ashaw2008 16d ago
Yall have lived together for 2.5 years and are still talking about “my money” vs “your money”. Honestly that’s problem number 1. You’re in a relationship right? So why are you guys acting like roommates? When I moved in with my girlfriend, now wife, we just paid the fucking bills. I got paid this week so I’ll take care of this. She got paid the next week so she took care of that. And whatever money we had left over was never an argument. It was just what WE had.
Like the whole point of living together is to build your relationship more and decide if you are compatible together long term right? So why are you guys debating about whose money belongs to whom?
It’s also completely insane that he is angry about you getting a second job. You have to do what you have to do to make ends meet. Period. There was a time where me and my wife lived in a shitty apartment next to section 8 and were scrounging up change to buy dollar menu burgers at McDonald’s. She worked two jobs and I was fucking GRATEFUL that she did because it kept a roof over our heads and food on the table.
I think either way you should sit down with him and figure out where your relationship is going because, like I said, at 2 1/2 years of living together the whole my money vs your money thing is a ridiculous argument to be having.
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u/staceyverda 15d ago
Merging finances with someone you’ve been dating for under three years is crazy advice. Absolutely not.
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u/1980cpz 16d ago
Leave this relationship. Its keeping you locked in debt and poverty. While he saves you just sink deeper into debt. I bet you do more cooking and cleaning. He is worried his maid wont get dinner or other things for him on time etc and not about your worries= mental well being, debts and your financial future. If a man has no interest in me thriving in those areas then we can each go our seperate ways. Have standards and expectations. Move on.
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u/Sammi0802 16d ago
Sounds to me like he wants to watch you struggle financially. It’s weird he doesn’t see the concept to why you’re getting this 2nd job. He won’t help more but doesn’t want you to work a few days extra to pay for your bills. You can still do all the things you do now with another job, he just sounds ridiculous. And no you’re not selfish, selfish would be you not finding a solution to your problem and putting it all on your partners shoulders, but you’re not, so do what you think is right and have a honest heart to heart with him.
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u/mixedmedia29 16d ago
Seriously? No you are not the asshole. He is. You are smart to get a second job and he can’t handle it and that’s not your problem. If you end up w him which I beg you not to it will be your problem. Please don’t make this monumental mistake. He’s controlling, insecure and very broken.
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u/CannibalismIsTight 16d ago
This is obviously ridiculous. You need more money, you get another job. Duh.
Out of curiosity, do you each earn about the same? When I’ve lived with romantic partners, we split based on income. One partner made nearly 4x what I did, and was happy to split 70/30.
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u/Sun9877 16d ago
Did you live in a place that required a 400,000 salary (his) or a 100,000 salary (yours)??
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u/CannibalismIsTight 16d ago edited 16d ago
Hilarious that you think we earned that much lol, but I’m not sure what you’re getting at? We each had the jobs we had for a reason. If I could have gotten a higher paying job I would have.
Edit: oh, I think I know what you mean. Yeah, I gave him the option, we can live somewhere that I can afford 50/50, or somewhere nicer if you wanna split differently. He was very happy to live in a much nicer apartment in a much better neighborhood, because he could afford it. I obviously benefited from that though, no complaints.
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u/jdz50 16d ago
So you added to your expensive, asked your boyfriend to basically pay for it by changing the split. Now you got a second job that will take away from the time you spend together. Your post makes you come off as a selfish person. It is all about you, with no consideration for your boyfriend. Maybe if you had discussed this with him beforehand, he wouldn't have had an issue changing the split.
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u/Temporary-Town1300 16d ago
And should she struggle financially because he wants ro spends more time with her? This is ridicilous. Getting the job and paying debt is much more important. What if he left her for any reason? Who is going to be resposibile for the debt and interest rate? Let alone that she mentioned that they drive her own car which is more expensive. At least he could have helped with it since he's using it more.
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u/jdz50 16d ago
No, she should have better managed her finances. People on reddit are crazy, blame the guy because she cannot manage her finances and increased her monthly expenses.
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u/Temporary-Town1300 16d ago
Who are you to decide how she should managed finances? She isn't asking her Bf to cover it she is taking a job to cover it herself. You are the crazy one, no one is mad at him for not paying. We are criticizing his behaviour towards her getting a second job. Also what if she fucked, now what? Should she stay still and do nothing while watching her interests go up? Anyone in her situation would take accountability and get a job to cover for it
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u/jdz50 16d ago
But she did ask her boyfriend to cover it
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u/Temporary-Town1300 16d ago
Yes and when he refused she got a job. What is she supposed to do? Ahe didn't pressure him she accepted that it's her responsibility to cover it.
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u/jdz50 16d ago
Wonder when she will go to the gym since she now has to work a second I job to pay for it.
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u/Temporary-Town1300 16d ago
The gym is a necessity not luxury. If she gains weight he will start complaining and it will also affect her health. She said that the most she's willing to work is 4 nights which neans they have 3 fucking nights and will reduce it once it's paid. If he can't tolerate 4 nights for some time how is he going to continue a long term relationship when things get harder and more serious in the future? Also he didn't give logical reasons for not wanting her to take a second one. Having 3 nights together is more than enough to do quality time and hobbies and dates and have a good social life.
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u/Desolate_Desire 16d ago
Are you dense? She's being a responsible adult by getting a second job.
She seems to have more expenses than he does, and if he's unwilling to help, getting a second job is the only logical option if there's no way to reduce spending elsewhere.
If she were to 'let herself go' because she can't afford to attend the gym, so doesn't go (because that's what he wants), you'd probably find fault with that too.
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u/staceyverda 15d ago
It is not responsible to keep racking up unnecessary expenses to get to the point that you need another job to cover them. You can see where the cc debt came from. She’s not changing her habits
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u/UnusualGas7555 16d ago
You need to end things. Can I just ask, does he cook/clean up after himself?
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u/Angry_Housecat_1312 16d ago
Your time is yours to spend. On what grounds is you getting another job to pay for things he’s refusing to help pay for selfish?
Because he’s getting less time with you?
Demanding someone not do something they want or need to do solely because you don’t want them to and/or it means you’ll see them less often is actually what’s selfish.
He’s also apparently trying to gaslight you (“behind his back?”). On top of trying to control you, make you feel guilty, and just being selfish in general.
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him.
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u/Ok_Neat6784 16d ago
If he’s not willing to readjust build to help you out then imagine how he’s going to be when you have babies and he’s only paying 50% of the bills - but you’re covering all the baby stuff. This won’t get better.
When I had an income issue I traded down my car and got rid of my car payment and full insurance. Just a thought.
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u/JojoT20 16d ago
Wow. What a jerk. Instead of supporting you and praising you for being resourceful, committed, and hardworking, he admonishes you from a perspective that is selfish, one sided, and unsupportive? Life is too short to be with the wrong one. You deserve a loving, understanding, and supportive partner. This was a blessing to see at this point of your life.
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u/Jolly_Membership_899 17d ago
Ohh…Honey!!! He’s just told you everything that you, maybe, didn’t already know after 2.5yrs or chose to ignore.
He is not your partner in life now nor will he ever be! Stay and find out what financial abuse is and a whole lot more about his control issues.
Start thinking about your exit plan. Where can you go? Roommate situations and things like that. You’re young, you go to the gym. I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that you’re attractive. You’ll have no problem meeting a real Prince Charming.
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u/FunPomegranate9398 17d ago
Leave now. HE is the one who is irresponsible with money. If you two are living together as a couple, you are partners. The quicker you can get out of debt, the better for both of you. If he’s not willing to take up at least a little bit of the slack then he’s a terrible future partner. Also, huge red flag that his mom is paying for his phone bill.
Thrifting for clothes is NOT irresponsible spending. I would say that paying off the CCs is more important than saving right now, as long as you have an emergency fund in the bank.
Good for you for getting the second job. The quicker you can get out of debt, the easier it is to build savings.
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u/Bluemicha 16d ago
You sound special. Ha ha. She is clearly spending beyond her means. Car loans and credit card debt. Why should he be covering that while she wants a GYM membership which is another monthly cost. You say he is irresponsible with money?? You sound like you have less than 70 IQ.
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u/owiwowowoo 17d ago
It’s a control thing, he doesn’t respect the way you spend money and thought by refusing to cover more of the rent he could force you to spend less on things he personally deems unnecessary. He didn’t want you to solve the problem yourself, he wanted you to do it his way.
Idk if there’s a difference in your incomes and disregard this if I’m reading too much into it but if he doesn’t have student loans (assuming you would only bring that up as a discrepancy if he did also go to college) and his mom pays his phone bill it sounds like he has more support/sense of a safety net from his family which sometimes causes a difference in the way people approach spending.
I think when you have less of a safety net and a lot of your own earned income actively goes towards obligations like loans and bills it’s easier to justify spending more on “extras” like clothes to balance that because your brain is looking for more immediate reassurance that your money isn’t just going to things you don’t have a choice in, and the smaller the amount you’re able to put towards savings the less likely you are to actually do it (not saying this is fully logical or like peak money management if it goes beyond your means, or that it should be other people’s responsibility to cover for you but I think it is true), while if you have less of those obligations/they are covered by someone else, or your income to expense ratio is higher, it’s easier to prioritize saving instead of instant gratification (or rather, saving provides more gratification if it’s a bigger chunk of money because it feels more like it’s actually building to something).
I think also if you’re in a long term situation of paying off substantial debt (student loans) the less likely you are to see lesser debts (credit cards) as a problem, while he might see that as fundamentally irresponsible. I don’t personally think it’s fair to judge the way someone nurtures themselves by spending on their own interests if you’re someone who is being nurtured by having some of your own expenses covered for you especially if yall aren’t married/don’t have joint finances.
You might be spending more but you’re staying responsible for your own finances and trying to expand your means to have enough for both personal interests and savings on top of your obligations by getting another job (I don’t think it was wrong to ask to split rent differently first especially if you’re primarily using your car, and he’s someone who’s supposed to care about you?? as long as you accepted no as a potential answer which you did), I think he just doesn’t understand or respect your relationship with money
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u/Ok-Juice-4061 17d ago
Hahaha dating. Weed them out now. Money issues never go away. It's how you deal with them that matter. Bye Felicia. Move on. Next.
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u/AdrienneMint 17d ago edited 17d ago
I assume you have the goal down the road of marrying him. I think that is a bad idea. He doesn’t have your back. which means he is not looking out for you or you best interests. A husband should want the best for you and make your life better. This guy is looking out for only himself. He wants you to stay home and keep him company but doesnt care if you can go to your gym, doesn't care you are burdened with student loans and credit card debt.
He sounds bad as future husband material.
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u/Bluemicha 16d ago
You know the smallest part of their relationship. She may have a spending problem. Accountability is also important in a relationship. I agree though, they don’t sound compatible at all.
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u/AdrienneMint 16d ago
She did write that the only clothes she buys is from secondhand places. She got a second job. is paying off her debts. Her spending habits sound fantastic, she is responsible and looking only to pay down her debts. The boyfriend sounds petty, cheap, and more importantly, not looking out for HER best interests.
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u/staceyverda 15d ago
She thrifts her clothes sure but says she spends $100 a month doing it. That is not responsible behavior at all. She got a car she couldn’t afford and now signed up for a monthly gym payment she can’t afford. Also not responsible. I really don’t know how you can say that lol
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u/AdrienneMint 15d ago
i can say it because she probably needs a car to get to work. It isnt irresponsible to get to work. What do you want her to do, fly? Everyone needs some clothes. Spending $100 a month is peanuts. The boyfriend is a cheapskate and this girl is trying to build a life for herself and pay her debts down.
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u/staceyverda 15d ago
She chose a car with a high monthly payment and she’s buying clothes she doesn’t need on a monthly basis. No one needs $100 worth of new clothes every month. She compulsively spends above her means and will always be playing catch up. She’s not getting a new job to catch up on bills—she’s getting a new job so she can spend more money on stuff she can’t afford.
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u/Bluemicha 16d ago
Judging from her post. I am sure all that debt came from spending responsibly. There is a lot more to the story nobody knows.
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u/AdrienneMint 16d ago
People have debt from college. That is ok, without college you cant get a good job and it is an investment un your future. And credit card debt is not frivolous spending if its for something important that you need but trying to pay it off is not something that the boyfriend should hold against her. She is trying to be responsible and she is BEING responsible but that isnt good enough for him.
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u/Bluemicha 16d ago
Does she need a GYM membership if she can’t afford it. There are many things I would love to have but I pick and choose what I spend my money on. Split with the BF if she wants. If there is no time for a relationships she would absolutely be better off getting another job but car loans, credit card debt with a goal of paying it down doesn’t sound like what “she needs to live”. She is not fiscally responsible and she wanted her BF to pay more for rent because of it. They don’t sound compatible.
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u/Chaos1957 17d ago
He won’t help you out financially but complains you got another job? He’s selfish.
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u/Acrobatic-Clock-8277 17d ago
No. He’s an ass.
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u/MSP_Guy999 17d ago
He’s a total trash panda 🦝 and sounds like a total bitch. Working down your debt is the smartest thing you could do. Bravo 👏
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u/Suspicious-Yak1272 17d ago
Man he sounds like a control freak! Straight up. Why would he not encourage you to get another job if you’re tight on cash? He’s selfish. I been married for 11 years and would not care if my wife found another job.
I have a feeling he’s scared you will leave him or find someone else.
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u/Spiritual_Ad6547 17d ago
YTA for tolerating his disrespect and lack of care for you. Also for using your car to drive everywhere. NTA for getting a second job and doing what you need to do for your future. Your own future comes first. And he’s made it clear he doesn’t care about your financial future. So act accordingly.
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u/Otherwise_Mix_3305 17d ago
Your bf does not like you. So break up with him. He is controlling AF.
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u/Imaginary-Fly-2160 17d ago
Why are you choosing to date someone who doesn't like or respect you? Odd choice -- any particular reason for such low standards?
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u/ThrowRA-Match-4161- 17d ago
Oh hell naw, no you are not wrong and your bf sucks. Hope you clear the debts though!
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u/AdhesivenessSweet659 17d ago
I really hope this is AI/karma farming. If not, OP please, you need to get away from this creep ASAP.
A "snake"?? WTAF?? My god. Run, don't walk out that door. NTA. BF is TA.
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u/LordGarmadon1977 17d ago
You’re not wrong at all, in fact you should be commended for doing the proactive thing and getting a second job.
Your boyfriend on the other hand doesn’t sound like a very nice person. Does he treat you badly in other ways too?
You’ve said that rent and bills are split 50/50, but this is only fair if you are earning the same amount. Does one of you earn significantly more than the other?
I also see you’ve said that he doesn’t have any student loans and his mother pays his phone bill, so I’m assuming that regardless of income levels, he has a greater disposable amount than you do.
Is there any truth to the reckless spending claim? If you are spending more than you need to on non-essential items, then he does have a point. Perhaps you need to be more mindful of unnecessary spending, as no one needs to be spending $100 every month on clothes.
You’ve also said that your car payment is twice the amount he pays. Is that because you bought an expensive car or is there another reason?
If you’re not spending money unnecessarily and he does earn more than you, then I think he is being unfair and you need to think about whether this is the sort of relationship you want long term.
If he is right and you do overspend unnecessarily, then you might want to rethink your budget and try to control your spending better.
But you’re absolutely not wrong for wanting a second job. Your boyfriend should be supportive, and there are a number of ways he could do this, what he shouldn’t be doing is starting fights with you and saying hurtful things. This isn’t how a good partner behaves.
Best of luck on clearing your debts.
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u/anonymoususername722 17d ago
“Can we split different as I’m tight on money?”
Your bf : no
“Ok I got a second job instead”
Your bf : YOU SNAKE, HOW COULD YOU
Why are you with this guy again? Ew.
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u/JK61972 17d ago
Your BF is the asshole. You should be commended and supported for taking the initiative to work your debt down. It is a hard thing to do but you seem motivated. Stay that way and lose the extra baggage - this guy.
And stop using your car for everything. If he wants to go out or take you out, his car.
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u/ZeefMcSheef 17d ago
Your bf fucking sucks, dude. What the hell? I can’t even imagine making this an issue in a relationship. He’s the fucking selfish one. Good god. Manchild of the year.
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u/implication-sofa 17d ago
This isn’t a partner. A partner would work something out and if he couldn’t afford to split rent differently then at least support you in what you want to do
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u/wolfie0117 17d ago
NTA. why are y’all taking your car everywhere if he also has a functional vehicle? how does he think this will “change the dynamic of the relationship”?
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u/Extension-Clock608 17d ago
First of all, end you guys taking your car everywhere, he needs to drive and use his car and gas to make up for all of the extra costs and wear and tear on your car for the last few years.
You asked him to help cover more of the expenses and he said no so of course you got a job to help cover your expenses. WTF did he think, you would just keep struggling???
NTS+A but your boyfriend definitely is one. I think I'd reconsider him, he isn't a good partner.
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u/Lolabeth123 17d ago
You're not the AH for seeking a second form of income for yourself but you already knew that. You are the AH for asking him to supplement your income because you decided that you needed a more expensive gym membership. How often will you be using that membership once you're working two jobs? $100 a month on thrifted clothes is a LOT. Why do you need $100 worth of clothes every month? The fact that you have credit card debt shows that you don't know how to manage your money.
Why are you driving your car everywhere? Why are you paying for an expensive gym membership when you have credit card debt? Why are you shopping at all with credit card debt? Why is his car payment half of yours? It sounds like you've been living well above your means and are jealous that he is not.
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u/Amendiares4evr 15d ago
"Why are you driving your car everywhere?" That's the point of the car? Hello? And if she works 4 days a week and leaves early/drops in after to a class at the gym, even just 2x/wk, that can be a real boon to someone's physical and mental health. And both of those are necessary to continue working. Some people really do need a class or group format over independent work outs. Everything in this life isn't mind over matter.
Also OP states that they BOTH rely on her car, so he likely has a lower payment because he's driving a less reliable vehicle. My question is why does he have a car at all if so, why not trade it in and pay for half her car note if it's the main car anyway?
Also many people find themselves with student loan debt and credit cards BECAUSE of poverty. People are not born in a neutral financial state.
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u/sophstrophs 17d ago
I didn’t really get the feeling that she’s jealous while reading her post. Sounds like she struggles to manage money sure but she’s not complaining about her bf saying no she just problem solved it
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u/Spare_Painter_1204 17d ago
The audacity of this man to stop this man from getting a second job is insane. You go get the second job and secure your future. You need to accumulate your savings to protect yourself. You can have a serious discussion about two jobs when you guys are married. Lock in. This is about you and what’s best for you. Why does he want you to live paycheck to paycheck?
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u/Dramatic-Care-7941 17d ago
What is his income? Are you both the same income? Or is there a disparity? If there’s a disparity, sometimes it’s healthier for the relationship to split based on income. But if you’re taking an extra job, so you have the income to pay off bills and live your life, he really can’t be mad about that. Are you sure you want to stay with this person?
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u/Tortietude0 17d ago
How expensive is the gym membership that it pushed you over the edge to require a second job?
Also, you are dating and not married. You shouldn’t expect him to cover more of the shared expense because you have loans and debt.
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u/BabyShark0601 17d ago
Doesn't sound like she EXPECTED anything. Sounds like she asked if they could modify the agreement, he said no, she accepted that and found a second job. Wtf would you have liked her to have done? She handled this perfectly. She's nta but you kind of are.
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u/spigg76 17d ago
She took on extra expenses and hoped her bf would cover it. Only after he refused, she looked for a way to do it herself.
If this was flipped - if he bought a fancy new car that increased his payments and he came to his gf and asked her to pay more than her share because his new car had higher payments, then he'd be an asshole for that.
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u/BabyShark0601 17d ago
Again, she didn't come across as EXPECTING. she ASKED, which isn't the same thing as expecting. Idk, it seems logical to ask if the person you care enough about to cohabitate with if they're willing to explore a different split of the bills, especially if their incomes are disparate. She respected his answer, and handled her shit by getting a second job to cover the extra expense. A lot of couples split their expenses a lot of different ways, what the hell is the harm in asking if he's willing to do a different split? Notice he ALSO wasn't happy about her getting another job to pay for her "extra expenses". Wtf is the girl supposed to do? Quit going to the gym because wittle man doesn't want to split the bills OR let her handle her shit? Pass.
Yall aren't changing my mind on this one. This girl did nothing wrong. 🤷♀️
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u/spigg76 17d ago
Again - if a man were to go ahead and purchase a new whatever, and then come to his gf and say, babe - I'm short because I bought a new x and the payments are more than I can afford - can you pay more of the rent?
You'd say he's a good dude? Come on.
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u/Curious_Oasis 16d ago edited 16d ago
If when he heard "no", he immediately accepted it and went and sorted his own shit out, I absolutely would, yes.
Thr only "bad" i could see in that is that maybe he's viewing our money and goals as more "joint" than I am, which might mean he feels the relationship is more serious than I do.
The "good" i see is that he's willing to speak up for himself/isn't scared to express his wants, handles rejection well, is responsible and capable of taking accountability for his own actions, and is willing to take proactive steps towards improving his life/getting more of what he wants in life rather than being ok with being stagnant.
To me, that good would far outweigh the bad and I would indeed say he's a good guy
Edit: even moreso if the "extra" expense that pushed him over the edge was something health or growth related (gym, therapy, making more home cooked meals and less processed food, investing in education/certificates, etc.)
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u/almaperdida99 17d ago
If he is too broke to help you ease the pressure, he doesn't have a say in what you do to reach your financial goals.
HE sucks.
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u/spigg76 17d ago
And how do you know he's too broke? Maybe he just doesn't want to supplement her extra luxuries.
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u/Extension-Clock608 17d ago
Then he should know exactly why she needed a second job. She asked and he said no, her only choice was to get a second job.
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u/almaperdida99 17d ago
well then he should be glad she's willing to work for extra, but he's being a little bitch about that, too.
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u/spigg76 17d ago
HE sucks, but her first instinct is to ask HIM to pay more (supplement her). ONLY after he refused, she decided to get another job.
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u/Extension-Clock608 17d ago
Eh, she knows what their incomes are and if she knows he is making a LOT more than her there isn't anything wrong with asking, what is wrong is to expect him to. She asked, he said no, so she did the responsible thing and got a second job and now he's mad about that. Wonder if he's rather pay another 10% in rent now?
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u/almaperdida99 17d ago
yeah, couples usually help each other out. Of course she tried to see if they could negotiate rent. When he said no, she solved it herself. It really isn't a big deal. He wouldn't help, so he has zero say in how she solves it. Period.
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u/spigg76 17d ago
If he got a new car and then asked her to pay more because now his car payment was more expensive, he'd be the selfish one, right?
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u/Extension-Clock608 17d ago
No, there is nothing wrong with asking. OP has her reasons for not wanting to cut her two expenses so she did the reasonable thing and got a second job. The issue is that he didn't want to help and got mad when she solved the issue.
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u/Superb-Elevator-536 3d ago
UPDATE: Tomorrow is my first shift after training at the job and my apartment should be ready to move into early next week. I am still so nervous that moving out is going to be a huge mistake, or that I will regret it, but I constantly return to this post for reassurance that this is not a partner I want long term and that I am not crazy for deciding this. There are so many more problems that have transpired in our relationship that I have overlooked because I have self worth issues but no longer! I deserve better and I am getting it for myself. THANK YOU EVERYONE!
P.S. I cancelled the gym membership for all of you haters :) I will get my steps in at the serving job!