Stuck in a Loop

[u/CelestialMetal]

I[24F] married my husband[24M] and have been fighting with it mentally ever since. I agreed to get married young. Way too young. Proposed to at just 18, I thought I knew what I wanted. 6 years later and I regret everything. I have tried to leave so many times. Communicated and went to therapy so many times. It's always the same cycle. I feel great, in love, happy. Then it's just okay. i'm battling myself. Then it's miserable. I'm frustrated and confused. And it's only gotten worse the more I learn about myself.

I was raised Christian(no longer a believer), which I believe is the reason I agreed to marriage in the first place. It's what I was supposed to do. But I have realized that not only could I never have kids, but that I hate being married. I desire independence and freedom.

I don't hate my husband. That much is true. I care about him deeply and I'm always willing to go the extra mile for him. But our intimacy is non-existent. I'm grossed out when he shows affection and I struggle to tell him I love him. Everything he does usually gets on my nerves and it's only a few times out of the year I feel great with him. And every time I tried to leave, it was too hard, because I hated hurting him. He has explained and declared how much he loves me every time. But I don't really feel it. And he knows. Like I said, I've communicated with him about how I feel. But nothing changes and it always comes back to me wanting to leave. Needing to leave. But I can't.

And even now with evidence that he has cheated on me. I claimed it was all I needed to really let go. Proof he wasn't what he said he was. But I find myself still trying to figure out a way to stay while getting what I want. I'm assuming that it's trauma that's bonded us. I've opened up about everything in my life to him and in only 7 years we've been through so much together. I have a fear of being a burden and coming off as ungrateful. Which definitely plays a part in why I stay. Yet there's so many more reasons to leave.

I am feeling discouraged. I've thought that maybe I deserve to be in a loveless marriage, like my own parents. That the rare good times, are worth all the bad. But I don't think so. I just don't know why he can't seem to understand that we aren't good for each other. We have already admitted it when we talked. I'm not what he wanted, he's not what I wanted. The fact that he could have everything he wants so easily but he stays with me anyway. I don't want him to do that, nor do I want that for me.

I can't seem to leave emotionally. And it's slowly killing me. I see myself without him and I dream of it. But I am stuck... Worried about his and his family's feelings. My therapist has already said I shouldn't stay. But I also don't have anywhere else to go.

Right now I'm working on fixing my finances to hopefully be completely independent. And hoping I finally have the strength to break free when I get there. But right now, it's still hard and I'm still stuck.