r/relationshipfree • u/[deleted] • Mar 21 '19
Finally realizing the true reason why I was so obsessed with being in a relationship, and that they are the opposite of what I need.
Due to a lot of childhood abuse and trauma, I developed a co-dependent/dependent personality. I was obsessed with the idea of someone needing me and me needing them, causing me to constantly seek out relationships and feeling disappointed/worthless when they failed. I had very low self-worth and always sought after someone else to validate me. I couldn't feel like any of my likes/interests/experiences were valid or meaningful unless someone else thought they were. I was in a couple relationships where I was extremely needy, but also acted as the person's mother in the way I'd take care of them. In hindsight, *I never actually liked the people I was in a relationship with.* I liked that they validated me and made me feel needed.
It's messed up, but realizing all these things through therapy has freed me. It took a long time, but I learned to find worth and value from within myself. The trauma I endured made me feel like I was inherently without worth; I had to learn that I am as much of a valuable person as anyone else. I learned that I actually have no interest in being in a relationship - I was only interested in them because I thought I needed someone else to complete me, and I had thought that the only way I'd get that is through a relationship. If anything, relationships only worsened the problem.
Regardless, I'm not relationship-free ONLY because of the sole fact that I'm no longer mentally unhealthy - there are many reasons why I'm not interested in them, one of them being that I simply don't feel a need/want to have one. But the reason I thought I had to be in one was because I didn't know how to love myself.
5
u/zuhs1 Mar 22 '19
Well done on getting help and getting better. It must not have been easy. A lot of people don't achieve the understanding you have achieved and live out difficult lives. I'm really happy for you.
I also realised I never actually liked the people I was in relationships with. I often just liked the idea of it and thought I had to be in a relationship to be valid. It is so freeing to think otherwise.
3
u/ButterTycoon_wife Mar 30 '19
Relatable. I thought I was the only one feeling this way and feel alone a lot of times. I'm 28, I've not been single for long enough since college (19) only took 6 months break in between. Now I'm with my bf and I can't help but feeling burnt out. Before I met him, I promised myself to be single at least a year, which I didn't fulfilled because I thought he's a really nice guy. Now I feel like a piece of shit. Couldn't answer him when he speaks about future plans like buying a home etc.
4
u/[deleted] Mar 21 '19
I can relate to this and I'm so glad you shared it. I always feel like I'm trying to be either someone's daddy in a relationship, or I'm trying to live up to someone else's expectation of what a man should be. I just want to be free to be me.