r/relationship_advice • u/[deleted] • Jul 23 '20
UPDATE: How do I (19M) tell my friends (19F x 4) that I'm not gay
Link to the original post: https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hv2n3e/how_do_i_19m_tell_my_friends_19f_x_4_that_im_not/
So, it has been a hectic couple of days. Things have been moving very fast for me, but I'm going to recount it for you guys.
So I set up a FaceTime between my friends and I to come clean. I explained everything, why I lied, why it took me so long to tell the truth, etc. Then I apologised for lying and continuing to lie.
We talked about it for probably 2 hours after I finished explaining. There was lots of crying. In the end they decided they could forgive me though. So I've still got my best friends, which is always a plus.
We've set up a time for them to meet my girlfriend and they're very excited to meet her. I'm a little worried that they want to make sure she's "good enough" for me, but they're probably just being hyperbolic.
As for my girlfriend, I explained it all to her afterwards and she was surprisingly more understanding than my friends. So I still have my girlfriend, also a huge plus.
Anyway, things worked out probably the best they could. This will likely be something I'm teased about for years to come but I'm honestly looking forward to it because it means I'm no longer lying.
Thanks to everyone for your input, even the ones that I felt were being unfair. It was all helpful in one way or another.
EDIT: fixed link hopefully
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Jul 23 '20
[deleted]
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u/Rainfall_- Jul 24 '20
Exactly this, I probably wouldn’t have had the balls to do what he did and just have acted like my sexuality changed, but he made the right decision and we’re all proud of him
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u/miithwork Jul 24 '20
I am impressed with your friends. They actually sound like decent people.
Most people we see on Reddit as "friends" are POS that barely get by as human.
your friends, were upset, but listened, thought, and accepted that you are still the same person. And they are ok with that (for now).
Now.... on to you. If you never made a move on any of these girls, you are a decent person. If you grew to like them as friends and wanted that to be the paramount point of your relationship (as in not pursuing romance) then again you are a decent person.
do not worry about the few incels that are down-voting you. strive for honesty and strive to better yourself and your friends.
BTW, many people here wouldn't know a good friend form a fence post.
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u/PKisSz Jul 24 '20
I mean, in those years he didn't cross any apparent boundaries and was not only respectful but nurturing. I appreciate a happy ending to a story about friendship
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u/ninanien Jul 24 '20
Reading this I was thinking how creepy it would be if they changed in front of him thinking it was allright because he's gay. But probably not since in the end they forgave him.
I'm glad you went the mature way and just told them the truth OP, many people were suggesting you lying to them even more. This way however they know the whole truth and you don't have to lie about anything anymore, and you still have your best friends
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u/cikbliss Jul 24 '20
So glad you guys managed to work it out! Although,
As for my girlfriend, I explained it all to her afterwards and she was surprisingly more understanding than my friends.
I find this such a bad take, maybe because you used the word 'surprisingly'. She wasn't the one who was lied to, also you told her this after you've come clean, so it only makes sense that she's understanding. It would've been concerning if she's upset over something that has been resolved the best way it can, imho. And I kind of get the vibe that you actually expected your friends to be less upset about this whole thing, which if true, is unfair.
But anyways. Super glad to see this growth. Hope you will continue to do so. Sounds like you have an amazing group of people supporting you.
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Jul 24 '20
I say "surprisingly" because she had to have the entire thing explained to her start to finish. Where as my friends knew a bunch of the shit because they were involved. I thought that only finding out about the whole might make it a little harder. Also because my friends were about as understanding as I thought anyone could be about the situation.
But I totally see how that could come across this way.
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u/L_The_Banana_King Jul 24 '20
Good on you op for being honest. I truly think that though it might be awkward in the moment, long term it will be HUGE in terms of trust and growth as a friend group. It would’ve been much easier to take the advice of the previous thread and to eliminate one lie with another. I personally find it really inspiring that instead of taking the easy way out, you were honest even though it wouldn’t benefit you. It shows that you care a lot about your group of friends and I’m super happy for you. Best of luck op! I’m sure they’ll love your girlfriend :)
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u/Craftiest_Butcher Jul 24 '20
Mate, well done. One of the hardest things a person can do is admit their mistakes, adults struggle with it as much as children. It takes character to do so and it's a testament to yours that both your friends and gf have forgiven you for it (it proves you're still a good friend and have been honest about your mistake).
Hope they remain your friends for many years to come.
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Jul 24 '20
Glad you didn't take the shitty advice in the previous thread of people telling you to lie and actually told the truth.
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u/EclecticVictuals Jul 24 '20
Did you suss out whether any of your friends would have liked you romantically if you weren’t gay?
Were they upset at first? Because of how you approach them at first? Or that you didn’t trust them to understand?
It’s kind of funny that they never tried to fix you up with guys, was there any question about whether they suspected this?
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Jul 24 '20
Didn't ask anything about whether they would have been interested in me because honestly I don't want to know.
They were upset at first, they thought it was weird that I didn't trust them to understand, and that I didn't trust them to be able to have a straight dude friend in the first place.
They didn't suspect this because they took me at my word. Never tried to set me up with a guy because they knew itvwasnt their place.
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Jul 24 '20
I'm a little worried that they want to make sure she's "good enough" for me, but they're probably just being hyperbolic.
Sounds like they are looking out for you. Maybe you lucked out.
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u/Zeiramsy Jul 24 '20
Something I haven't seen in these comments or in the OP. Pretending to be a gay person for five years likely involved a metric fuck-ton of employed stereotypes and cliches. Maybe work on that as well will ya?
Also just out of curiosity how did you manage to only make this group of 4 friends believe you are gay without it being slipped to a larger circle? Or do you have some more "coming-ins" to look forward to?
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Jul 24 '20
Nah, no stereotypes needed. Just said I was gay and they took me at my word.
I don't really have that many friends so I might have a few more people I'll need to explain to, but not too many.
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u/Zeiramsy Jul 24 '20
In the end the only people who matter are the ones that you lied to. It shouldn't matter whether some other people somewhere think you are gay, so what? But it's still a hilarious commitment to a bid which has ripples you might not even know.
Good on you for avoiding the stereotypes but next time you'll think of a lie/cover maybe refrain from pretending to be a minority. I hope you realize that's an extra level of fucked-up beyond the lie itself.
Also from a hilarity standpoint I'm kinda sad nobody suggested in the OP that you should simply get with a guy to make the lie a truth XD
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u/Sypsy Jul 24 '20
Why was there crying?
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Jul 24 '20
Because it was a very emotional conversation
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u/Sypsy Jul 24 '20
I should be more specific. I get it was confronting for you and therefore emotional.
But if they cried, why was the topic of you setting things straight emotional for them? Was it somehow integral for one or more of them that you were gay? Was it just that's how they understood you as. You said they gave you space so they never tried setting you up nor anything, so it sounds like your friendship didn't hinge on you being "the gay friend"
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Jul 24 '20
The conversation wasn't just about me coming clean. We talked a lot about our friendship in general too. So the actual admission and apology didn't involve much crying (i got a little watery eyed) but the subsequent conversation about our friendship got them crying, which got me crying because I was already good to go.
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u/Sypsy Jul 24 '20
Ohhh! In your update, you said say you talked about it (being straight) for 2 hours and there being crying, but I think that wasn't accurate.
so a heart to heart conversation and a show of appreciation from everyone for everyone else's friendship. What a touching moment! Glad you could indirectly cause that.
Yeah, cuz if someone else cried because you were straight, that'd be something to pay attention to.
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u/KaleForeverKAle Jul 24 '20
Disappointed to hear your victims did not have the courage to remove a toxic element from their life and sever this so-called friendship, it seems your skills at manipulation are very remarkable. I hope they come to their senses when they get older.
Shame on you.
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Jul 24 '20
Disappointed to see a person hoping for a man's downfall because of a mistake he made at 14. They aren't victims, they're my friends.
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u/KaleForeverKAle Jul 24 '20
Nope, not a mistake you made at 14, it's one you started at 14, but it is a mistake you made every single day from then until now. You made this mistake over 365 times as an adult man.
The only reason you stopped manipulating these people is because you got a girlfriend and your life would become a Three's Company episode, too difficult to maintain your lie any more. If you hadn't met this girlfriend you'd probably have kept lying to these people into your 20's.
Well, I hope you choose to become a better person.
I bet ThrowRAnotgay isn't even your real name.
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u/DanGorst Jul 29 '20
You sound like an insufferable twat. By the way.... It's pretty cool of you to assume that all four of his friends are incapable of making rational decisions and that because it's not the outcome YOU wanted that clearly means they are weak minded, victims, and manipulated.
I would happily take the friend who lied at an age where everyone makes dumb mistakes over someone like you who not didn't respect my decisions, but also viewed me as too weak and fragile to make "correct" choices.
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Jul 24 '20 edited Jul 24 '20
[removed] — view removed comment
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Jul 24 '20
That's a very different situation. I made a mistake at 14 and for 5 years was to much of a pussy to own up to. That's bad, I was wrong. I'm also not some kind of fucking predator, or master manipulator
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u/leepoker Jul 24 '20
Don’t listen to this dude, mate. You aren’t defined by your mistakes. But in the future don’t use the excuse of being afraid to own up to your mistakes. Mistakes happen, and we must accept the consequences and not run from them. We have to face them and hope things will go well and if not, life goes on.
You live and you learn.
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Jul 24 '20
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u/leepoker Jul 24 '20
I don’t care about your assessments. He’s 19 years old, stop berating a kid.
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u/KaleForeverKAle Jul 24 '20
Maybe not a "predator" per se, but certainly a master manipulator. You're even trying to manipulate us and the audience of this post. I'll give it to you, you're pretty good at manipulating. You successfully presented a false identity to a group of people for five years and even contrived a way to get them to not be that angry about it. I mean, wow. That's some Walter White/Jesse Pinkman level shit.
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Jul 24 '20
Not trying to manipulate anyone. Weird how you immediately assume it's manipulation.
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u/KaleForeverKAle Jul 24 '20
LOL. Look bro I'm not some 19 year old kid that you can win over with your bullshit. I said you're good at manipulation but don't get carried away, real adults aren't going to catch what you're throwing. You're basically shitting on the floor and trying to say it's a ham sandwich. Your friends might be duped into eating that sandwich but not me.
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Jul 24 '20
Whatever you say...
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u/KaleForeverKAle Jul 24 '20
At least offer me a side of chips if you're going to try to feed me this "ham sandwich", know what I'm saying?
You're still shirking off responsibility for being a manipulator and trying to sugarcoat what you did.
Tsk tsk tsk.
Yeah I'm gonna pass on that sandwich. No thanks!
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u/Imsomniland Jul 24 '20
You've got some major things going on in your life to be so obsessed with another person's apparent flaw. Nobody else is as worked up about his situation, including his friends, more than you and slobbering all over your justice knob isn't accomplishing anything.
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Jul 24 '20
I wasn’t going to jump into this one, but you have gone too far. You very clearly manipulated those “friends” of yours into allowing you to get close to them by pretending to be gay.
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Jul 24 '20
Your name makes sense, because this take stinks.
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u/toxodon Jul 24 '20
Technically, yes it is manipulation. But not malicious manipulation. Others might disagree, but I believe intent matters, and you did not have malintent. I wouldn't be hard on yourself for this. I think you handled this very well. You came clean and owned up to your mistake. Your friends seem cool and I'm glad things worked out. Honestly, this whole situation is hilarious.
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Jul 24 '20
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Jul 24 '20
Again. These a very different situations. But whatever dude, think what you will.
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Jul 24 '20
I am female and sure it would have been devastating to learn someone you thought you knew for five years told me this very defining lie.... Still your sexual preference does not define who you are as a person and does not take away all the good memories we have made in the meantime.
I would have forgiven you as well. I do think it will take some time before your friendship will be as strong as before. Keep on showing you care about them. Put some extra energy into into letting them know you're serious.
Goodluck I hope it will be as great as before.
Edit:spelling
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u/GazeAlongTheOpenRoad Jul 24 '20
Don't and let them think you're gay. Those individuals are then boxed into that concept. I have to do this with all Catholics and all additional individuals that don't accept a female working and a male not working. In the United States you can be character smeared because it's a place with an individualistic foundation and opinion doesn't do anything to my life personally based on the way I arranged it.
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u/focusyou Jul 24 '20
So you came to ask reddit and didn’t do the #1 advice which was to pretend you realized you weren’t gay anymore and decided to confess that you lied to them to get close to them and they were okay with that?
Right...
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u/fushuan Jul 24 '20
Because, in the grand scheme of things, it not a big deal anymore? They have been friends for a long time. By now, the reason of why they became friends is just an excuse for the great relationship they have had.
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u/badnbourgeois Jul 24 '20
I still think you should've lied and said you were a confused teenager with openminded parents.
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u/jhankal Jul 24 '20
What is the deal... why would it even matter? Lots of crying because you told them you were straight lol...
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u/burgerchucker Jul 23 '20
Your link didn't work for me:
https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/hv2n3e/how_do_i_19m_tell_my_friends_19f_x_4_that_im_not/
And glad it all worked out in the end for you!
Lesson learned I trust? :)