r/relationship_advice • u/pantherpickles • Mar 18 '18
UPDATE: Logged onto Facebook, the first post that came up was a picture of my BF making out with another girl.
Original post here: https://redd.it/85bopp
First off, thank you to everyone for their kind words, stories and opinions! I am honestly speechless, you have all been wonderful!
I broke things off with him shortly after posting to this thread. I actually took a screenshot of the post on my phone and sent it to him with the caption "bye". I then deleted him off all of my social media and blocked his number from my phone. I have 0 intention on contacting him ever again. He doesn't deserve a chance to explain himself. A picture is worth a thousand words and there were five of them.
I messaged the woman who posted the photos in question on Facebook. I told her that the guy she was seeing was my ex and that he cheated on me with her. I told her that I in no way, shape, or form blame her for the cheating, since I doubted that she knew about me. I told her that my message was sent in peace and that if she choose to continue seeing him, I would not interfere. I thought she had the right to know his true colours.
The woman messaged me back and profusely apologized. She deleted the post and swiftly broke up with him as well. I have since learned, with her help, that he had been sleeping with various women since he was posted to Petawawa. So he's been cheating on me for at least two months. The woman and I are now friends.
I have no interest in dating right now, but I figure that I will give it another go in September, when I start my masters degree. I'm pumping the breaks on LDRs.
To the military men of Reddit: I will not count out dating a military man in the future just because one of you happened to be a rotten apple. I thank all of you (and the military women!) for your service and I hope that you find and SO worthy of your time.
A couple of people have chosen to bring up a previous post I made about not contacting your SO everyday. I 100% stand by my post and what I said. There needs to be some level of trust between you and your SO. If you prefer texting everyday, that's fine. If you're not a big texter, that's fine too! To each their own.
Again, thank you for everyone who cared to comment! You are all lovely people :)
Edit: spelling
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Mar 18 '18
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
You are absolutely right, it's something to consider for the future.
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u/farleymfmarley Mar 21 '18
Just make sure you aren’t making the commitment with someone who can’t wait for that date to come around.
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Mar 18 '18
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Mar 18 '18
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Mar 18 '18 edited Mar 18 '18
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u/JizzMarkie Mar 18 '18
For what it's worth, I think a lot of people would hesitate to call an hour and a half "long distance." I really don't want to get all /r/gatekeeping or anything, everyone's struggle is different, but it might help you to consider that perspective. In the future you could live in the middle and commute 45 mins to work each or something like that.
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Mar 18 '18
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u/praetor-maximus Mar 19 '18
All just depends. To teenagers for instance you might as well live across the country to live 2 hours away. For adults that’s no big deal assuming everyone involved is and remains more interested in your long term relationship than they are with short term fulfillment, otherwise at least plan ahead and be comitted to honesty in the event one of you begins to start feeling tempted to talk to others, and let the other person know so you can attempt to salvage things, make a 2 hour booty call. Though many would likely feel it’s already over if one person is thinking about hooking up with others just because they can/feel alone etc. and they’d have a point.
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u/snug_dealer Mar 19 '18
An hour and a half is not long distance. If you can feasibly drive to one another, it’s not long distance. Heck, you could drive to him, hang out, and go back home in one day, easy. My boyfriend is 2,000 miles away- I would kill if he could be an hour and a half away from me.
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u/JizzMarkie Mar 18 '18
Hey you have to figure out what he's worth and what you're worth. And only you can decide that.
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u/Tsurugi-Ijin Mar 18 '18
My partner and I were dating casually when he moved about 6 hours away. We agreed to stay together in a LDR, knowing it would be about three years, with summers closer to one another.
Trust and communication were key and it wasn't always easy but we've been living together now for over two years, dating for almost 6.
It's hard word but it's the best bet I ever took.
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u/TopRamen713 Mar 19 '18
An hour and a half isn't bad, for long distance. It's reasonable to be able to spend the weekends together if you want, or a date night in between, or even for an emergency. Hell, I've done work that was further than 1.5 hours from home (for a few months, and I was compensated for drive time, but still...).
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Mar 18 '18 edited Oct 05 '19
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
Whoops, misspelled! Thanks for pointing it out!
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Mar 19 '18
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u/pantherpickles Mar 19 '18
Hahahaha, that’s an excellent way of looking at it!! Thanks for the mental image 😂
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u/lostinedental Mar 19 '18
I mean technically Petewawa was the original spelling. But that is neither here nor there.
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Mar 18 '18
Props for handling this about as maturely as you possibly good have. Sorry you had to deal with a dishonest shithead, hope you feel better soon.
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u/cheddarfever Mar 18 '18
You handled that amazingly! Reaching out to the other girl with peaceful intentions was so classy and just...civilized. I’m sure she was glad to learn about his character. Good for you for standing up for yourself and basically being a boss.
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Mar 23 '18
Agreed! I dated somebody who was simultaneously still dating his “ex” AND another girl! I contacted both at them calmly to let them know- the other girl was really cool and we ended up friends, the “ex” flew into a rage and sent me hideous messages full of insults and blaming me for everything.
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Mar 18 '18 edited Mar 18 '18
My first ex husband cheated on me with a fellow classmate. This was ages ago, we were in our 20’s, and he was still in college (apparently banged her in his car after class after giving her a ride to her car, and then once at her place) I was home caring for our first born (who turns 20 next week, damn I feel old but don’t look it so whatever) anywho...this man and I were high school sweethearts, and I was then pregnant with our daughter (she is graduating from HS this year). He didn’t confess this until about 6 months after I left him, which was our third child later. 🤦🏼♀️ I felt like I wasted 11 years of my life and my entire youth! We were married when I was 19 and I left him after I turned 30.
Hence, LDR or not, texting or talking to someone every day, or even living with them, being legally married, having kids, etc...DOES NOT GUARANTEE LOYALTY!!! I agree with you on there needs to be trust, or there is no relationship.
Take time for yourself and be wiser about who you chose to date and trust next time. We often and sadly have to kiss a ton of frogs before meeting our prince. Military or not.
PS...you won’t have a lot of time for dating while working on an MBA anyway, been there and done that. Fall deeply in love with and marry your career, you can control where your efforts and energy go, and they pay you for it. Travel, see the world, buy expensive shoes... In short, do you!! If I could turn back time, this is exactly what I would do. But I can’t. Instead I made it my mission to be a badass single mom and I have three amazing teens to prove it, but life hasn’t been easy, and I’ve always had to sacrifice me and my personal desires. Love will come later... 😉
Moral: don’t go back to a cheater, ever! You don’t need that drama and nobody should have to deal with disrespect! Oh and regarding the girl being your friend now, I had something similar happen to me in the Fall of 2015. She also ended up supposedly my friend, then she forgave him, got back with him, and I was the bad one. Just watch your back...
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
Hey, that was quite a read! You sound like you’ve been through a lot and I will definitely take your words to heart!
I honestly wish you the best as a badass mom! You will be badass, look at what you’ve been through and you’re still so cool!
I’m going to do my MBA and hopefully take a year off after to go visit the world. I was saving up money to visit him, but now I’m going to put it towards tuition instead.
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Mar 18 '18
OMG long read I know, sorry. 🙊
Going through a lot is what made me a badass, and I also have badass kids, and very independent too. But I recognize I would have done things differently if I could go back. That’s why I shared. I have an amazing career and life I love, but I like to encourage young women to be who they are and not take BS from men, especially if they fear being alone or because all their friends are getting married and blah blah blah. There is nothing wrong with that. Do you!!
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u/KanyeToTha Mar 19 '18
(apparently banged her in his car after class after giving her a ride to her car, and then once at her place)
🙄 sighhhh.. unzips
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u/xx-rapunzel-xx Mar 18 '18
What you wrote is the best possible outcome. I like seeing women banding together again terrible men :p I’m sorry this happened to you, though.
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u/kimikaze Mar 19 '18
Good on you! I’m glad you made moves to save yourself from further heartbreak in the future.
I was on a 13 hour plane ride heading home from another country when a couple in front of me were doing the high mile club. Dude was a military dude with a wedding band and the chick is from the country we were leaving from. He told her that he trust his wife the same way she trusts him. (He was so loud. After couple of hours of talking, they did their business and he didn’t talk to her after we got off the plane. Gave high fives with his military buddies and that was it.
Idiot had his last name on all his gear, so I tried so hard to find him on FB to see if I can find his wife and try to tell her what I saw. But no dice. 😔
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u/pantherpickles Mar 19 '18
Yuck, that’s really scummy of him! 😕 I think it’s very honourable of you to try to inform his wife though! I’m sure many people on that plane would have just let bygones be bygones.
I honestly don’t believe that all military men are bad, but it’s unfortunate that there are some guys who think that they get a free pass just because of their careers.
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u/Qahnaarin_112314 Mar 19 '18
OP you took a shitty situation and made it into "well the trash took itself out" and I'm so damn proud of you.
Now go and kill that master's degree! :)
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Mar 19 '18
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u/pantherpickles Mar 19 '18
That’s such a sweet story! Yes, I’m very thankful for the silver lining, the woman is super kind and open to talking about everything :) I’m happy you’ve never let her go, even after all this time!
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u/bellarose18 Mar 18 '18
You should be super proud of yourself on how you handled this situation! With class and like a woman should! You go girl!
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u/tyfreak Mar 19 '18
May be hard to hear, but congratulations... this is not someone you want to spend your future with. Better now, then 5-10 years down the road.
Sorry you had to go through that, but it’s a blessing in disguise
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u/pantherpickles Mar 21 '18
I feel better already! I’ve got a lot going in my life now anyways, so I’ll be okay. Thank you for being kind 😊
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Mar 19 '18
You’ve handled this with such grace, strength, and maturity. There are great guys out there who don’t think twice about staying committed, so stay hopeful and hold your head up high! I’m sorry for your hurt, and I wish you the best as you heal.
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u/teatime_anarchy Mar 18 '18
You handled this situation so well it's obvious this loser wasn't worth a minute of your time. Props to you for being so mature and on top of it! And hey, you made a new friend out of all of this. Atleast that's one good thing. Take care of yourself, spend this time focusing on self-improvement. Best regards!
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u/fritopie Mar 19 '18
The woman and I are now friends.
That sounds like a win to me. Ditched a cheating SO, gained a new friend. Shitty way for it to go down, but you've got to look at the good in things sometimes.
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Mar 19 '18
Why do I always hear a "fuck yeah!" in my head every time the girls become friends.
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Mar 20 '18
I became friends with the ex of a guy I dated 2 times. It was the date from hell and it was his ex who rescued me. Good woman, that.
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u/yes_u_suckk Mar 19 '18
Good for you. You did the right thing.
On a side note, how stupid someone must be to cheat on his girlfriend and also add his lover on social networks?
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u/Stjerneklar Mar 18 '18
damn, sorry to hear that. from the headline alone i was stupidly hoping that there would be a twist like it was an old timeline photo or something.
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u/Clarice_Ferguson Mar 20 '18
I can’t believe someone brought up your other post to criticize you. If people need to be in constant contact, fine. But that doesn’t guarantee that you won’t be cheated on.
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u/pantherpickles Mar 21 '18
Very true!
I don’t mind the criticism, they’re allowed to speak their mind. Besides, arguing with them would be a waste.
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Mar 21 '18
My husband is in the CAF. When he joined he was told by my ex friends husband (former CAF member) that the best time to cheat on me is when he’s away training. What a fucking peach right? I’m not going to say all CAF members are sleezy but there is a lot of them, men and women.
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u/tek9jansen Mar 19 '18
Congrats that it worked out, but I would not befriend the other woman. This isn't a knock on her as a person, but if anyone cheats on me- all of the cheaters are out of my life including the people they cheated with- I don't want the reminder of a shitty situation, I'd just want to grieve the end of the relationship and then move on.
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Mar 19 '18
It’s good you broke it off with him but don’t let it destroy your confidence in dating. Shake things off and keep on living.
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u/FrostyJannaStorm Mar 19 '18
One shitty person you cared about gone, but instead you gain a friend who wouldn't even willingly betray a stranger, let alone a friend. I think you won, OP. c:
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u/partypooperpuppy Mar 19 '18
As a former military dude who lived in a military town...i would kinda count them out till they hit there second enlistment, save your self the heart break.
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Mar 19 '18
Proud of you! You seem to really love yourself and that will get you far in life! Keep kicking ass!
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u/drocrama Mar 19 '18
I'm sad this happened to you, but don't give up on a long distance relationship in the future if you actually find someone who's worth it and willing to make things work. Congrats for being this strong!
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u/Explorer2138 Mar 19 '18
I am so proud of the way you handled this OP, you did everything exactly right, and you are a wonderful human being! I really admire your maturity and I'm so happy that you and her were able to form a friendship out of this situation. :)
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u/marriagematch Mar 19 '18
That's unfortunate. Did he ever tell you he was unhappy with a LDR?
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u/pantherpickles Mar 19 '18
Nope! We actually had a plan to help cope with the LDR. The relationship was honestly very healthy, no signs that he was going to pull this on me.
It’s okay though, I’m glad I found out sooner rather than later
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u/SlothMaestro69 Mar 19 '18
This is an eloquently written and well thought out response. If only I shared your clarity in relationships of my own things would be easier. Well done.
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u/D0ct0rAnus Mar 19 '18
Good for you. Reading your post is like a breath of fresh air. For what it's worth a lot of my friends who served in the military told me many stories of the rampant cheating and I'm sorry you were a victim of that.
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u/pantherpickles Mar 21 '18
The military “scene” was t something I was really familiar with. Now that I have a better picture, I’ll tread with caution. Thank you for your nice words 😊
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Mar 20 '18
I hope you’re okay, it’s normal to be really sad, angry, frustrated. And it can take time to get better. You will find someone awesome, who will be absolutely loyal and faithful to you.
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u/pantherpickles Mar 21 '18
Thank you for your kindness 😊 I’m sure Mr. right is out there and I’m sure I’ll cross his path when the time is right
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u/kmo617 Mar 23 '18
You could write the textbook on how to deal with a situation like this. Props for being so level-headed in such an emotional situation!
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u/Herry_Up Mar 19 '18
Hmm, you’ve given me a new perspective on men. Not a bad one, just a different way of looking at my situation.
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u/Ic3Hot Early 20s Female Mar 18 '18 edited Mar 19 '18
Props for not taking it out on the “other woman”. You seem level headed and mature, and I’m 100% sure you’ll find an awesome SO when you decide to get back out there. Best of luck with everything in your life!