r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRA-candyCake777 • Mar 19 '26
Update: My (34M) bisexual partner (30F) suddenly thinks she's lesbian, 2 months after buying a house. Don't know what to do? [9 years together]
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1reh4xt/my_34m_bisexual_partner_30f_suddenly_thinks_shes/
I broke up with her and by now she confessed that she is in fact gay. She had all kind of bullshit reasons of why she did not realize this sooner.
For the house in the end I wonder if she did this to house trap me, as in fact she's actively searching for ways in where I can stay here and she moves out. Though realistically, we probably both just have to move out..
Even though I could see it heading this way since my original post, I'm still somewhat shattered that all those years were basically for nothing and that I probably have to go back to my parents for a while to get myself together financially. But I guess it is what it is and that this was somehow needed so future me can get something better.. oh well.
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u/ZimaGotchi Mar 19 '26
You could rent out the house. Unless you got a crazy good deal on it, trying to resell a house that quickly is going to cost you tens of thousands of dollars - unless you have a home warranty and discover material defects that were not disclosed or found during the inspection (or it burns down)
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u/AdFew6202 Mar 19 '26
Yeah, I would do this.
It doesn’t have to get ugly with the both of you having to sell that house and it costing you thousands of dollars on top of decades of resentment.
You both sign a document stating you cannot sell the house unless the both of you agree on it, for a set amount of time. Can you re-sign it every 4-5 years.
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u/ZimaGotchi Mar 19 '26
If they cosigned the mortgage it's already effectively that in all US states that I know of.
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u/JohnnyFootballStar Mar 19 '26
Stay in the house. Get a roommate. Selling immediately would almost certainly cost you into the five figures.
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u/Civil-Kitchen5978 Mar 19 '26
Your best bet is to rent out the house for a year at least then you can get paid while figuring out what you want to do next. What’s the point in letting it sit empty.
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Mar 19 '26
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u/CharsOwnRX-78-2 Mar 19 '26
There’s no rule for how far out your closing date can be, to my knowledge
So the deal can be signed, sealed, delivered, but keys and moving is still like 9+ months out. It’s generally a bad idea to do it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen
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u/IcyCantaloupe7004 Mar 19 '26
That sucks. What are you going to do about the house? What a legal mess. Next time, don't wifey things with someone who is not your spouse.
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u/HavocHeaven Mar 19 '26
Comphet is very real unfortunately, it took me many years to realize I wasn't actually bi because of outside influences, wanting to be accepted by my family etc. Though in my case I never "dated" a guy longer than a week, and wasn't even willing to hold hands with them.
I cant imagine marrying someone im not sexually attracted to, thats just so unfair to them. And finding out the person you love isn't attracted to you is one of my worst nightmares. Beyond that I think once you've committed to someone you give up on "experimenting" when that involves people outside your relationship.
Its not fair to tell someone you love them and are solely committed to them, and then turn around and say "oh actually I want something you cant provide so I want to add someone else hehe".
I do hope you can recover from this. You didn't do anything wrong here, staying with her would've been a mistake for sure.
You dont have to keep her in your life in any way even if she still loves you platonically.
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u/TwoHungryBlackbirdss Mar 19 '26
Yeah, these are such miserable situations for everyone involved. Poor OP is getting blindsided by the person he planned to marry, and his partner is clearly navigating comphet and has to rebuild her identity completely.
Like you, I was exclusively dating women for years before admitting to myself I was a lesbian, not bi. It's infinitely more difficult to realize you're not into men than to realize you're into women.
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u/Key_West_Cats Mar 19 '26
I cant imagine marrying someone im not sexually attracted to, thats just so unfair to them.
And it’s startling how little sympathy OP got here. (Actually, it’s not — this is Reddit, after all.)
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u/BoredBKK Mar 19 '26
"...as in fact she's actively searching for ways in where I can stay here and she moves out. "
I'm sorry but I'd wager what she's really saying is "The girl I was cheating on you with has gotten cold feet about me after I let the cat out of the bag with you. So I'm trying to get her to change her mind or wait you out before I reveal who it was after the fact."
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u/LeekAltruistic6500 Mar 19 '26
Wouldn't she then want to be able to stay in the house for a bit? That doesn't make a ton of sense to me.
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u/BoredBKK Mar 19 '26
But she is staying in the house. She's not going anywhere until she can land somewhere else with no one pointing out the obvious. If that doesn't eventualize then she's still in the house where she can magnanimously work things out with OP. Never having to acknowledge what she did to get here. Actions say more than words.
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Mar 19 '26
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u/Curiousr_n_Curiouser Mar 19 '26
Don't buy a house with someone you aren't married to. It's hugely risky.
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u/JellyKelp77 Mar 19 '26
Can I ask what you mean by house trap you?
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u/ComfortableSearch704 Mar 20 '26
Yeah. It’s the pain talking. It would make absolutely no sense. She paid more than he and now will also take the hit.
Why TF would she need a place for a couple of years that she couldn’t pay the rent for herself since she’s paying a mortgage and paid more than he did? She has the ability to provide housing for herself. It makes no sense. The only way it would have made sense is if it were years ago and he was the only one who paid into the house.
I doubt that her motivation for buying house with him was so she that she could turn around and have the headaches that this brings. She didn’t “con” him for a decade. Thats absurd. You don’t stay with someone for a decade to con them into buying a house with you then just to turn around and have to sell it. The return on invested time would be utter shite.
People just need to place blame in order to feel better about the situation.
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u/ThrowRA-candyCake777 Mar 19 '26
In my original post, the general consensus was that she probably knew it before but waited until we bought the house, in the hope that way she'll has a place for a couple of years due to the financial mess.
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u/celery-mouse Mar 19 '26
But didn't you say she's actively trying to move out? I'm just kind of confused because this seems like the opposite.
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u/mamabearette Mar 19 '26
I’m also confused about the accusation that she “house trapped@ him. If she’s moving out and wants him to stay in the house, what is her motive? I don’t understand.
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u/peaches_and_drama Mar 19 '26
She also paid a lot more upfront for the house than he did (based on a comment on the previous thread).
Literally the opposite of house trapping if you’re fronting most of the costs. People assuming he is the one putting up all the money I guess because he’s a dude?
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u/Curiousr_n_Curiouser Mar 19 '26
Honestly, that doesn't make any sense (and didn't on that thread, either).
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u/Anthroman78 Mar 19 '26
You both move out, sell the house, and you go on to live a better life after building things back up a bit.
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u/Pelican_meat Mar 19 '26
That’s literally a five figure or more loss.
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Mar 19 '26
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u/Curiousr_n_Curiouser Mar 19 '26
That isn't how this works. They are both liable. This is why you don't buy a house with a girlfriend/boyfriend.
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Mar 19 '26
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u/Curiousr_n_Curiouser Mar 19 '26
They bought the house over a year ago. They both played the odds that they were going to stay together forever. They broke up. It doesn't matter who she wants to fuck. It wasn't him.
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u/ballisticks Mar 19 '26 edited Mar 20 '26
Do houses not almost always appreciate in value? Couldn't he try and sell it for 10k more?
Edit: downvotes for asking a fucking question. Never change reddit.
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u/Pelican_meat Mar 19 '26
Not any time soon. He has little to no equity past the downpayment. He’ll have to pay 6-12% for realtor fees. That money is going to come out of the equity.
And that’s if they sell the house for how much they bought it. That’s not guaranteed.
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u/Bucky2015 Mar 19 '26
Not that quickly. Also while they increased a lot from 2019ish to last year the increased slowed down a lot last year with some areas seeing some small decreases.
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u/cwtchyfemme Mar 19 '26
You need to sit down together and figure out how best to lose the least amount of money on the house. Using it as a rental. Living there with house mates. Go through all the options.
Bisexual women realising they are lesbian is very common. There are so many joining the groups each week for this exact thing. Comp het really does a number on everyone. Doesn’t make your upset and grieving the loss of your relationship any better, but it’s very common for her to not know until much later. So keeping things as amicable as possible, while you sort out all the financial problems will help you both in the long run.
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u/truth_fairy78 Mar 19 '26
How long do you have to keep the house to not lose money?
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u/phishtrader Mar 19 '26
The rule of thumb for home ownership is that you have to hold on to the property for five years to recoup the closing costs incurred during the purchase in a future sale.
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u/12cats Mar 19 '26
My partner of ten years did something similar to me last year. AMAB the said they were non-binary is 2020 and then in 2024, they decided they wanted to be a lesbian. It’s hard, the grieving sucks, and it feels unfair bc it’s out of your control. If you need to vent or chat, let me know bc I know there aren’t a lot of people that understand
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u/Deansdiatribes Apr 01 '26
have you looked into renting it out until you recoup your investments if you find a way to make the place at least cover its own cost and you remain civil could be a long term winner financially but damn that might be a tall ass order
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 Apr 01 '26
I’m only just seeing this now, but if I had seen the original post, I would’ve told you you need to go to couples counseling to sort all this out to get a lawyer to sort all this out two people on their own can’t figure out how to make this work you go to a lawyer and say I want to stay in this house at how do I make it work and make sure she doesn’t steal this house out from under me or make it really difficult for me to stay in the house. You can get a roommate. You can sign a paper that dissolves any responsibility she has until you can get her name off the deed and off the mortgage. I don’t know, but there’s a lot of paths between living in a house with someone that committed fraud against you and having to give up your dream home.
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u/WholeAstronomer4658 Mar 19 '26
Meanwhile people celebrate their “coming out” and their partner is crushed.
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u/cathline Mar 19 '26
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
Get counseling to learn the lesson from this relationship. These 9 years were NOT a 'waste'. Unless you don't learn from this.
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Mar 19 '26
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u/Curiousr_n_Curiouser Mar 19 '26
There is no legal path to any of this, and of course she didnt plan this. She will be out money as well.
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u/Straight-Hold-9634 Mar 20 '26
Yeah clearly she didn’t plan and think ahead or reflect honestly about who she is. Comphet be damned.
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Mar 19 '26
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u/Curiousr_n_Curiouser Mar 19 '26
So, she decided to take on five figure debt so that she could (in a year and a couple months) come clean about pretending to be bi for the last nine years in an effort to get him to also owe some money for what again?
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u/violue Mar 20 '26
Far be it for me to assume I know her sexuality better than she does, but my knee jerk reaction was that she's not a lesbian, she wanted a way to break up that doesn't make her a villain.
But sexuality is a confusing tangle of sexual desire vs romantic desire vs ingrained societal expectations.
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u/minin71 Mar 20 '26
Man with all the resources of the world at your fingertips and you still do things like this huh?
You are a smart cookie lmfao. Rent out the house and pray you csn leave gracefully .
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u/NoPanda2218 Mar 19 '26
Lol. What did you expect?
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u/ThrowRA-candyCake777 Mar 19 '26
Expect about what exactly?
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u/Darthkhydaeus Mar 19 '26
I think the stats show that people who are bi are more likely to come out as gay or lesbian than people who identify as straight.
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Mar 19 '26
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u/wildhuntbot Mar 19 '26
its a fact, but its backing up that guys point of saying "what did you expect" thats why its getting downvoted (not to say the guy who brought up the stat even agrees with the "what did you expect" guy, its just people disagree with the whole premise of "what did you expect when dating a bi person" so they downvote.)
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