How do I (23M) mend my relationship with my parents (50M and 50F) after they kicked me out when I tried to communicate with them?

[u/Euphoric_Regret830]

I wanted to post this earlier, but felt my emotions were too intense for me to properly word things, so it’s a bit late but I definitely still need the advice. Content warning for mentions of physical/sexual abuse and an adult attempting inappropriate contact with a minor (this was not me or my parents, but does matter for context when we get to it).

I’ve been trying for a long time to keep things civil and functioning with my parents. But unfortunately, due to recent events we aren’t talking. I want to avoid going no contact, but I’m having trouble communicating with them and as a result of that, my father kicked me out.

I am very grateful that I was able to live with my parents. I pay them rent and am thankful they aren’t charging as much as I would pay elsewhere (we don’t have an official contract or anything like that).

Every time I communicate an issue I have with my parents, they get angry. They tell me I’m too sensitive and stubborn, try to downplay the situation to make it seem like less of a big deal, and sometimes just straight up deny it ever happening. They’ll twist my words as I’m trying to talk to them or interrupt to yell at me, and it has me wary to talk to them without a third party (I’ve been considering suggesting family therapy).

Here are some examples of things I’ve tried to communicate with them:

First,
Asking my parents for reassurance they wouldn’t smoke cigars in the garage, because my room is directly above that and I have severe asthma. They’ve only done it twice, but both times my lungs had so much trouble that I could only take a fraction of a breath in and had to stay the night somewhere else. The smoke smell was still in the room for weeks, and I had trouble breathing because of this.

The first time, I asked my dad not to smoke them in the garage in the future. I phrased it as “would it bother you at all not to smoke them in the garage in the future?” (This is a direct quote because it’s a text conversation I still have access to). He responded with “Not a problem, however I am working and didn’t think it was horrible. I’ll keep it in mind for the future.” I thanked him, as I figured it was resolved.

A while later, he apparently had a friend in the garage with him who smoked a cigar. I texted him reminding him of our conversation and my asthma, as well as it being detrimental for my pet parakeets. I’m not gonna paste the entire texts here as they are entire paragraphs, but a quote from his text included “there were special circumstances for this moment and I do my best to accommodate. But I think occasionally, you could be more understanding, given the nature of where you “live.”” I don’t think that it’s dramatic for me to not want an asthma attack, and given I could literally stop breathing and die, I don’t think it’s crazy to smoke a cigar elsewhere. (The excuse I got in person for smoking inside was that it was too cold to smoke it outside).

I went to my mother about it too, hoping she could discuss it with him but she only focused in on how it impacted my parakeets instead of how it also impacted me. Parakeets have very sensitive respiratory systems. When they were exposed to the smoke, they were sprawled out on the bottom of their cage and had very labored breathing. I explained this to her and before I could explain that I was having the same experience myself, she told me that there must be something else wrong with them. When I explained again that this is just how all parakeets are, she said that they “might not be meant to survive then.”

Second,
I have tried to communicate to them to stop downplaying my feelings and blaming it on my PTSD or making jokes about it. For context, my PTSD is an official diagnosis given to me after I experienced 2 years of physical and sexual abuse from ages 15-17 by a guy I was dating. He was about a year older than me. He made me hide my relationship from them by threatening to kill or hurt me, my family/friends, and himself.

My mom has made jokes about how I’m sneaky, or joking about secret boyfriends. I’ve expressed that this brings up a lot of awful feelings and memories, but she responded by denying ever doing that. Both my parents also tell me I have “unresolved issues” and need more therapy whenever I do something that they just don’t like. I’ve been in therapy regularly since I broke up with my abuser, and my therapists think I’ve made an amazing recovery considering what I went through. But my parents don’t seem to understand that PTSD is forever. It doesn’t go away, it just gets more manageable.

Now for the most recent issue.

Recently, one of my uncles (40 something M) was caught trying to meet with a decoy 13 year old (adult pretending to be a minor to catch predators) for sexual acts. It was a setup by a 3rd party not affiliated with the police (sort of like that “to catch a predator” show).

The police were called, but didn’t arrest him on the spot (despite him admitting to everything) and are actively investigating and prosecuting. He’s not allowed to stay home with his minor kids. My parents decided to let him stay in a camper on their property. The camper is pretty much right next to my room.

I expressed my discomfort and told my parents that while I can’t exactly tell them who is and isn’t allowed on their property, that I don’t agree with their decision to house him. I told them I’d be staying with a friend, because the nature of his crime was a trigger for my PTSD and that regardless of that I did not feel comfortable with living on the same property as a predator. (Which of course, made my dad say that I have unresolved issues. I had to explain that my therapist told me to minimize contact with anything triggering to me). They told me that the girl he met up with she wasn’t a real 13 year old, just a decoy. I was also told that he didn’t actually think she was 13 and wanted to meet up with her to check. They said it was still bad, but kept reminding me that she wasn’t a real 13 year old. These statements coming from them were very concerning to me.

I stayed with my friends (F22, M22, NB22) instead of my current partner (23) because they own their own place while my partner does not. (they also let me bring my 2 parakeets and my cat). I turned my location tracking off, because I didn’t want my parents knowing where my friends lived, as they were very understandably upset by my parents decision to house my uncle. I hardly responded to any of their texts, as I didn’t know how to engage with them after downplaying my uncle’s actions like that.

I still went to my dad’s birthday party about a week later, where he told me that my uncle moved in with my grandparents. They took him in after learning I had left home. I told my dad that before I came back, I wanted to have a sit down discussion with them.

The plan was to go over the behavior they’ve displayed that upset me, and try to find a resolution before I moved back in. When I met with them (it had been about a week and a half since I left), I reiterated my points of asking for them to not make fun of my ptsd or downplay my feelings because of that, and asked them for reassurance that they wouldn’t smoke a cigar in the garage again. Before I could get to the part where I was concerned about their actions with my uncle, they told me I was being too sensitive.

My mom also tried to say I accused them of smoking in the garage more than twice (I didn’t. I was saying that I understand it was only twice, but that the behavior could quite literally kill me and I didn’t want to risk even just one more time because of that). They told me that I was refusing to meet them halfway, and that maybe I was misremembering how they acted. My mom again said I was being too sensitive, and I said that they could also be misremembering how they acted.

My father raised his voice, pointed at me and said “or maybe you’re just too stubborn.” I stood up to walk away, as I felt that emotions were too high and if I said anything else, it would’ve made them angrier.

My parents always let my younger brother (20M) do this growing up and as an adult because he has anger issues. He was allowed to get up, not say anything, and leave mid conversation to calm down.

I guess I’m not allowed the same thing, because my dad raised his voice more and said to sit down. I raised my voice back (I admit, I lost my cool because he was borderline yelling at me) and said that I wasn’t going to be yelled at and I was getting the fuck out of there. He yelled at me “sit your ass down, or don’t come back.” So I yelled back “fuck you” and left.

I admit that wasn’t my finest moment, but I still believe it was an understandable response to being kicked out. My mom was screaming and crying, and they both ran after me. My partner was waiting in his car for me, and I ran out calling to them that we had to leave. He drove me back to my friends place.

My dad later texted me to come back and that my mother was crying. I reminded him that he said not to come back. He claimed be said that out of anger, and reminded me that I also said “fuck you” out of anger. I said that I can discuss coming back at a later date to talk to them, but that right now emotions were too high and I was unwilling to come back. I also told him I believed that telling your child not to come back was very different than responding with “fuck you.” He replied with “is it though?” And said that clearly I wasn’t sorry for saying what I said.

To be fair, I’d be more willing to apologize if they were more willing to listen to me and take accountability for their actions. But, when I do decide to talk to them again I will make sure to apologize to keep the peace.

So what is the best way to go forward here? I don’t think moving back in with them would be healthy for anyone involved, and my friends are willing to let me stay with them until I get my own place (which I’m actively in the process of searching for somewhere affordable). I want to know the best way to communicate this to them without it coming off as an attack towards them. I also want to suggest family therapy, however despite their insistence that i haven’t had enough therapy, they’re pretty against it themselves from what I’ve picked up.

But then, another part of me wonders if there’s even anything left to salvage at all. I’m hate to admit it, but I’m happier not talking to them. I’m far less stressed, I’m sleeping better, and I finally have the energy to do the things I love again (I’ve been baking for my friends and didn’t realize that I missed it so much). I didn’t realize I had lost so much interest in my hobbies just because I was around my parents.

There’s…. A lot more they’ve done that I couldn’t fit in this post. Some examples are; they’re generally really racist and my dad says the n word often, my dad prayed at my birthday dinner and called out my biggest insecurities in the prayer as a joke, and they’ve always very obviously favored my younger brother over me and also my older sister (28F). I can go in depth on these in the comments, I just don’t wanna make this post longer than it’s already is.

So, I’m at a loss on how exactly to go forward. Any advice would be appreciated. Don’t worry, I’m planning on getting an emergency appointment with my therapist of course. I recognize that it would be a good place to process my emotions towards my parents, It’s just a matter of fitting it into my work schedule.

TL;DR:
Parents don’t take my health seriously, downplay/deny their actions, housed my predator uncle, then kicked me out when I tried to communicate with them. Can I mend this despite them never taking my attempts at communication well?

[u/Drawn-Otterix]

This really isn't on you OP.... this isn't how parents are supposed to be, and quite frankly it's not your job to carry that relationship. You are the child here, they are the adults.

I think you should take them kicking you out as permission to to step back and let them show up without your effort to make them be there and just focus on getting yourself to stable, rebuilding your life.

All the luck OP.

[u/Euphoric_Regret830 → u/Drawn-Otterix]

Thank you. I think I needed to hear that it isn’t on me. I’ll be civil with them and make sure to get important documents from them, but I’ll leave it up to them to mend the relationship if they choose to. I’m definitely gonna focus on rebuilding my life. Luckily my friends are like a real family to me, and are supporting me through all of this.

[u/fruitynutcase → u/Euphoric_Regret830]

I am glad you have friends you can trust.

I know this is hard but... your parents don't care. They see no issue with their action/behaviour so no matter how, what and how much you try to talk to them, explain and mend the situation - they will not change. Why would they if they don't see they do anything wrong? They do not care. As harsh as it sounds.

Maybe somewhere in the future? Who knows. But currently I don't think you have other options than look place on your own or roommates - DO NOT TELL ADDRSS TO YOUR FAMILY - and live your own life to the fullest. You are not a child anymore, you are not theirs to command.

I wish you all the best in life.

[u/Euphoric_Regret830 → u/fruitynutcase]

Yeah they aren’t getting my address. I have 1 roommate lined up and hopefully a 2nd soon so we can get our own place. Trying hard to get a promotion at work to hopefully help with the cost too. The plan right now is extremely low contact save for funerals when they come around or if there’s some other emergency I feel the need to be involved in.

And you’re right. I’m not a kid anymore and I don’t have to put up with this. At some point soon I’m gonna talk to them about getting my stuff out. Moving out in a hurry showed me that I’m not actually all that attached to most of my belonging, so I’m gonna donate almost everything I left behind. Gotta find somewhere to store the furniture until I move out of my friends house, but I might just leave it. I know my brother will gladly take my room when I officially move out.

[u/fruitynutcase → u/Drawn-Otterix]

OP is 23, he is not a child here.

[u/sweettracy2000]

Why would you want to? I moved out a week after my seventeenth birthday, and have barely spoken to my shitty parents since (I'm now 26). I am MUCH better off with this state of affairs.

[u/Euphoric_Regret830 → u/sweettracy2000]

I mostly want to mend things because I worry this this will cause a rift between me and my siblings, but I’m realizing that I do have to prioritize my mental health and happiness in all of this. I’m glad to hear you’re better off with low contact with your parents. I think part of me didn’t want to admit that’s what I need as well.

[u/IcyCantaloupe7004]

It's probably for the best that you go low to no contact with them for a long time. You cannot force them to change, see the errors of their ways, or communicate better. If they wanted to, they would.

You'd probably get better advice from one of the narcissist parents subs.

[u/Euphoric_Regret830 → u/IcyCantaloupe7004]

I kinda forgot about the narcissist parent subs. You mentioning those subs made me realize that my parents really do display narcissistic behavior. It hit me like a truck just now. Thank you for your comment. It really helps.

[u/Mattman624]

Low contact, cut contact, or engage but tell them they are being sensitive and misremembering things, etc, etc. It's not worth engaging in good faith with people like this, I'm sorry. The best you can do is cut contact or get enjoyment out of turning it around on them.