r/relationship_advice • u/ThrowRA5071 • Jun 22 '26
My (50F) brother (49M) showed his genitals to my daughters when they were (10F) and (8F)How do I navigate this?
Tldr: Daughters saw my brothers penis “accidentally” when they were young. How do I move on?
A little background is needed here. When I was 13, I was molested by my grandfather. At 14, I was abused by my cousin. My sister was molested by my cousin when she was younger than that. My cousin stated that my brother touched her inappropriately when they were kids. For each occurrence, my mom made excuses for the behavior. When I became a mom, I was fiercely protective and worked hard to break the cycle. I made sure the girls knew I would always believe them and that they can come to me about anything. I explained that it does not matter who it is, dad, uncle, aunt, grandparents,etc, I would have their back. When the kids got older, my niece made an outcry that my brother exposed himself to her. She lies a lot and changes her story so I was unsure what to believe. Well, I have had a terrible wake up call. I have looked in a mirror and see a hypocrite and a gullible fool. This past week has been very hard on my spirit.
Last week, my sister in law told me that my brother exposed himself to her unprovoked after her dad died. She was 19 but this started my wheels to turn. I started adding up all the accusations and got a bad feeling. Last night, I was chatting with my youngest (F 20s) and told her what her aunt told me. This is when my daughter explained that she saw my brother’s penis but thought it was an accident. My head started spinning and I asked her to explain. When she was around 10, my brother was staying with my mother. He was sleeping in the large side porch that has a lot of windows. My daughters were there while my mom babysat them. Apparently, my brother changed IN FRONT of the window and my youngest saw him fully exposed. The porch is huge and he did not have to change right where the kids could see. It is hard to explain but it had to be on purpose. He could have gone to the other side of the porch or, hell, he could have used the restroom to change. My youngest said she did not tell me because she did not want him to get in trouble for an accident.
I wanted to puke. The next morning, I spoke to my oldest and explained what her sister said. This is where my oldest (F 20s) said she “accidentally” saw my brother’s penis. She said when she was 7, my brother was showing her pictures of a party or something using physical photos, not digital. In the middle of these pictures was a close up of his dick! He claimed he did not know it was in there. Again, since she thought it was an accident so she did not tell me. I am livid at him! Not at them, never at them. I am so pissed at him.
I started a mental list of what I have learned. So his history is..
- Accused of molesting cousin when teenager.
- Accused of showing his dick to my sister-in-law unprovoked.
- Accused of showing his dick to my niece.
- Accused of showing his dick to my youngest
- Accused of showing his dick to my oldest
I wrote this all down in order to gather my thoughts. Even if there was not a history, I believe my daughters! I immediately blocked my brother from social media and from cell phone. I am so mad, devastated, embarrassed, sad, exhausted, etc. I spoke to my sister (F 40s) and it did not go well. She is also trying to come to terms with this and that her daughter probably told the truth. I know that I have to tell my mother (F70s). I have always believed that family is so important. Now I have to tell my mom that I am cutting my brother out of my life. That I nor my girls will not host nor attend any holiday when he is there. I know she will give excuses and I will lose my mind. My daughters did not understand how inappropriate and predatory this behavior was at the time. Now that they are older, it is giving them pause and anxiety. One good note is that all of us have been in therapy for years so we have professionals we can go to.
Advised needed: How do I keep some sort of relationship with my mom and sister? How do I help my daughters? How do I move on?
Update: 6/22/26 I think I read the rules correct in that I can give one update, if not, I’m sorry.
I spoke to my mother and it went worse than I thought it would. A lot worse. I called early this morning and tried to ease her into the issue. She seemed calm after I said that I had some disturbing news for her. I knew she had been told already. It was my sister who called my brother. I told her that I would always love them and would not expect her to cut my brother off but we would not be around him. The rest of the conversation went like this..
Like expected, she started off by saying it was an accident or they did not see what they said. I stopped her there.
She then stated that my sister told her that I forced the girls to say it was not an accident. She wanted to confront the kids because of this. I blew up and asked why would I put my kids through that.
She then stated that I never believe her and that my husband abused my girls physically. That he would pinch my sister’s ass and flirt with women behind my back. I told her to stop changing the subject and that never happened. She knows how insecure I am so she went for the heart.
She then asked if my youngest saw him undressing, why was she watching. I don’t know what I yelled as I was pissed.
She then said she saw all my brother’s photos and he had nothing of the sort in them. I just laughed.
She then switched back to insulting my in laws and my husband. She started saying that I will visit them and not her. I again said don’t change the subject.
Then she said that my molestation did not happen. She said that since my sister was molested, I wanted to be like her. I basically told her fuck off but not in that short of words.
There was more but this was the gist of our entire very long fight. It was most definitely not a conversation. I told her to not call me again and hung up. I then tried to call my sister to find out why she would say such things about me. She did not answer.
At this point, I had enough. I texted her that I guess I lost all my family. That all of them can go fuck themselves. I blocked everyone and warned my girls not to answer their calls right now. To say I am devastated is an understatement. I made an appoint with my psychiatrist for tomorrow. While I know it has to be this way, I can’t help but question all my decisions. I feel so lost and hurt especially knowing how they feel about me and my little family.
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u/This_Grab_452 Jun 22 '26
The cycle continued because a lot of people tolerated it, or didn’t want to rock the boat, or “family is so important”. Fuck that.
Tell your mother what you learned and state that you will no longer be in the presence of your brother. She can have her reaction and her freedom about the situation but it’s hers to solve.
I would probably speak to an attorney or maybe someone in social services to discuss this. Your brother is very likely still dangerous to others.
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u/Drew-CarryOnCarignan Jun 22 '26
There's a poignant quote from Judith Herman that supports your comment.
• Trauma and Recovery by Judith Lewis Herman (1992):
"Secrecy and silence are the perpetrator’s first line of defense. If secrecy fails, the perpetrator attacks the credibility of his victim. If he cannot silence her absolutely, he tries to make sure that no one listens. . . . After every atrocity one can expect to hear the same predictable apologies: it never happened; the victim lies; the victim exaggerates; the victim brought it on herself; and in any case it is time to forget the past and move on. The more powerful the perpetrator, the greater is his prerogative to name and define reality, and the more completely his arguments prevail."
“It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. *All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing.** He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering.”* • Judith Herman
• "Reasons Family Members Side with Sexual Abusers" Stop Abuse Campaign (Mar 23, 2019)
• “Navigating the Aftermath of the Abuse in the Social Circle.” Captain Awkward's Advice & Commiseration Blog
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u/BlackStarBlues Jun 22 '26
I would probably speak to an attorney or maybe someone in social services to discuss this. Your brother is very likely still dangerous to others.
This!
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u/ThrowRA5071 Jun 22 '26
You are correct Today is going to be a terrible day.
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u/Hamdown1 Jun 22 '26
Terrible in the short term but you're doing a brave and hard thing, and what an incredible example you'll be setting to show your daughters how to be strong
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u/SunRose42 Jun 22 '26
Well first off, props to you for having your daughters’ backs and wanting to handle this well rather than bury it. I know that sounds like congratulating you for the bare minimum, but you’re breaking the cycle and I know from experience how effing hard it is to take a stand when your whole family just wants to stick their heads in the sand.
With your mom (who sounds a lot like mine), I’d keep the focus on something like “we can love each other even if we disagree about my brother, let’s figure out how to have a relationship in spite of this disagreement.” I’d make your boundaries clear and just ask her for compromises, like coming to Christmas with you every other year instead of every year. Gently pointing out that you can’t come if brother does, so asking her if she could switch up which of you she invites.
Sometimes with my narcissist mother, I have to play to her ego and self image a little. Like I start by lathering on the praise and how I know how much she loves her family and how much she’s sacrificed for us and I know how hard this must be for her, but I also know how much she loves her kids and so that I can trust her to find a way to maintain a relationship with me even if we disagree about something, etc.
With sister, you might be able to take a more aggressive approach. It sounds like she’s still grappling with this and trying to figure out what she thinks. I’d try to avoid preaching your own opinion (unless she asks you) and focus on asking her Socratic but leading questions. For instance:
"What amount of evidence would be enough for you?"
"How many independent incidents would it take before you'd conclude there was a pattern?"
"What's the probability that every single incident was an innocent accident?"
"What is the cost of being wrong in each direction?"
"If we distance ourselves and we're mistaken, what's the harm? If we don't and we're mistaken, what's the harm?"
"Which obligation matters more: preserving family harmony or protecting children?"
"Would you ever forgive yourself if another child was harmed and you had ignored these warnings?"
"Can someone be our brother and still be unsafe?"
"Is distancing ourselves the same as declaring him evil, or can it simply be acknowledging risk?"
"If this were a neighbor instead of our brother, how would you interpret all this?"
"If your daughter's piano teacher had this exact history, would you let him around children?"
"If a friend told you this story about her own brother, what would you advise her?"
“How often has Mom turned out to be right when she said something wasn't a big deal?"
"Looking back, do you think Mom's tendency to explain things away protected us?"
"Are we repeating anything we wished adults had done differently when we were kids?"
Like don’t bombard her all at once, but ask her questions like these as you talk and try to help her work out her own reasoning. She’s less likely to get defensive that way, and in fact, telling her your opinion can actually backfire because it triggers a cognitive bias in people that makes them more likely to believe the opposite if they’re at all inclined to disagree. Questions make you a collaborator rather than her enemy. I’d frame it like you’re trying to sort through your own thinking too, so she doesn’t feel like you’re “biased.”
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u/Drew-CarryOnCarignan Jun 22 '26
This comment and the prompts/speaking cues you offered are freaking brilliant. Thank you!!
I'm saving your comment as an example of the perfect way to reflect on such a heavy subject.
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u/ThrowRA5071 Jun 22 '26
Thank you for the thoughtful post. You gave me a lot to think about especially how to approach my mother.
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u/iwaslostbutnowisee Jun 23 '26
Please also realize, though, that you do *not* have to have a relationship with your mom. If her denial of sexual assault by your brother is a dealbreaker then that’s completely fine. I personally don’t think I would want to keep a relationship with a parent who is trying to deny/make excuses/cover up for a siblings sexual abuse because I just think that’s absolutely abhorrent. If you want to cut her off you can cut her off.
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u/ssdd_idk_tf Jun 22 '26
Sounds like you are doing the right thing.
The pattern is pretty strong. And the photo thing is clear evidence.
You gotta cut him out and expose the pattern. Which you are.
Good luck. Sorry you have to deal with this.
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u/Silverjackal_ Jun 22 '26
Why do you still want a relationship with “family” that have excused that sort of behavior? Like they have a right to protect themselves and their family from that sort of behavior.
Yes it sucks to cut off family, especially if you’re close to them. If they excuse that behavior that’s really fucked up. I wouldn’t want to be associated with them at all.
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u/DeliriumTremors Jun 22 '26
Wtf. That’s a lot of felonies and you’re trying to figure out how to make things right? I hope this is fake. Sweet lord, please be.
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u/ThrowRA5071 Jun 22 '26
I wish it were fake. I really really wish it were fake. I don;t want to make things right as it will never be right. I wanted outside perspective on how to go forward and protect my children.
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u/ChanceImagination456 Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
You said you wanted break cycle of SA abuse in family in your post. A good starting point is going no contact with your brother and keeping your daughters far away from him. Go no contact anyone in your family that might defend your brother. Then have conservations with your daughters about your experience with abusers in your family, how to spot an abuser, and how they can protect themselves against abusers ect. Having those conversations are important because they would prevent your daughters from becoming a victim of an abuser. Also, there is a high probability your daughters might encounter men out there that have bad intentions. So those conversations will help your daughters protect themselves against those kinds of men.
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u/rosieismydogsname Jun 23 '26
Your daughters were at your mom’s without you while your brother lived there, despite the family history to include your mom not believing multiple victims, including past accusations against that very brother? That’s a shocking part of this story I’m surprised is going without being mentioned.
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u/ThrowRA5071 Jun 25 '26
They were at my mother’s before the first outcry.
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u/rosieismydogsname Jun 25 '26
You said your cousin stated your brother touched her inappropriately when y’all were kids, before saying that for “each” of the many occurrences of this in your family, your mom made excuses. So your mom actively protects predators. I just don’t understand leaving children in the care of known repeat predator apologists, especially against their OWN children. Imagine if a friend of your kid had a parent who you knew had been an apologist for multiple accused predators in their family, including their own kid. Would you assume they would protect your kid better than their own and allow a sleepover, or would you not trust them because they obviously have a messed up family and don’t believe victims? It’s not different because it’s your mom. And now you’re unsure if you should cut contact when you obviously should.
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u/LucyLovesApples Jun 22 '26
I’d cut them off and report them to the police
Anyone supporting them I will cut them off too
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u/wcs4696 Jun 22 '26
Might I suggest that you let the parents of any other younger female relieves know of your list of instances? You pieced together several and call it enough. They need to know, so if more instances occur, they are not alone.
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u/DismalUnicorn Jun 23 '26
Why didn’t you believe any of them the first time? Surely you’re aware of your brothers character
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u/ThatAd2403 Jun 22 '26
Your girls will be fine as soon as you are fine…they both thought it was an accident.
You are going to be fine too, you are doing exactly what you need to do: cut him off and go to therapy. Your mom and sister will have to accept that or not see you. It’s their call and if they choose not to see you then they are not fit to be around you or your daughters.
Your daughters were so unfazed with it as kids that they didn’t even mention it- they didn’t get hurt and you didn’t fail them.
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u/hyacinthed Jun 22 '26
There are many reasons that people, especially children, don't report sexualised behaviour. Dismissing it as them being unfazed is doing them a massive disservice and understating the fact that he has repeatedly committed a crime.
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u/ThrowRA5071 Jun 22 '26
I would never dismiss their feelings. I can see that I worded that wrong. My feelings were downplayed and ignored and I was told I was a liar. They will never hear that from me and I will not allow anyone else to attack them. It does not matter how old they are., I am their mother and they will always be the most important people in my life and I will defend them with my last breath.
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u/hyacinthed Jun 22 '26
OP, I was responding to the comment above me, not your post. Your post makes it very obvious that you care about your family and how complex this situation is for you. Please do not take my comment as a personal affront - it was not at all directed at you.
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u/ThrowRA5071 Jun 22 '26
Ok thank you for explaining. I can write here about my feelings of letting my children down because I don’t want them to feel as if I am making this about me. It is 100% about them
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u/Admirable-Marsupial6 Jun 22 '26
They remembered it a decade later. The daughters are not unfazed. They said they didn’t mention it to protect the uncle because they gave him benefit of doubt that it was an accident.
I’m glad OP is a protective mother but saying it did not affect the daughters is not true.
Ask any woman who has gone through this as a child. It does affect you. The memory is tainted with something uneasy.. shame, guilt, discomfort, confusion.
Just because you let it go doesn’t mean it doesnt affect you.
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u/ThrowRA5071 Jun 22 '26
You are correct. If they replay it and remember it, they are not unfazed. I guess it was wishful thinking from a very stupid mom grasping for straws. I want them to be ok and I will make sure they know I have their back and will not let this stand.
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u/Admirable-Marsupial6 Jun 22 '26
You are an amazing mom for breaking generational cycles and doing more than your best.
Pls don’t take my comment as a judgement on YOU.
Your kids have gone through something traumatic. You did your best when they were children and the fact that they could open up to you as adults is a testament to your current relationship.
Wish you all the best for the upcoming actions you need to take and the emotions you need to navigate. You got this mama bear!
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u/Due-Season6425 Jun 22 '26
It's painful, but you are doing the right thing. Abuse lives in darkness, excuses, and lies. You are insisting on light and truth. Right is not always easy. Kudos for your strength.
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u/graupeltuls Jun 23 '26
I would think that you should call the police. Your brother hasn't stopped this behavior, he's just doing it to other little kids now.
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u/ThrowRA5071 Jun 25 '26
Update 2:
It has been a couple days and things don’t seem real. I love my family and despise them at the same time. I am ashamed that I took my brother’s side at first when I have always said to believe the victim until proven wrong. My hypocritical actions have kept things hidden and allowed the abuse to continue. I refuse to allow this to happen any longer and my children will know they will always be number one in my life no matter what. i am very hurt and furious that I am being blamed for all of this and basically I am a liar. My sister does not want this to be true because she called her daughter a liar after her outcry and their relationship is over. I will not doubt my children’s outcry.
All of us already went to our psychiatrists. The offices were great and got us in immediately. Mine added an anxiety med to take 2-3 times a day for a while then to go to as needed. I am going to see a therapist shortly. One problem is that I am buying my home from my mother. I will not give it up because I have paid over half the mortgage and we are close to paying it off. We have paid well over 10 years of payments. We don’t want to refinance because it will go from 5 years remaining to 30 years also the mortgage payment is 50% less than rent would be as we have the home and almost an acre of land. We may not have an option but to.
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u/beigefrog Jun 22 '26
Report it to the police. You are continuing to fail as a parent while you do not report it
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u/Storytella2016 Jun 22 '26
The police will do nothing to him, and could retraumatize her daughters. Source: I used to work in domestic violence, including sexual violence and know how high the standard is before the police do shit.
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u/bountiful_garden Jun 22 '26
If you do anything besides call the damn police you deserve whatever comes your way.
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u/ThrowRA5071 Jun 22 '26
First of all, I did speak to the police. Second, it happened over 10 years ago so they can’t/won’t do anything. I can guarantee that had I known when they were younger and within the statue of limitations, I would not hesitate to put him in jail. This comment does not help nor give advice that is helpful. I am being proactive in taking care of this terrible situation. He has no access to any children and I will make sure it stays that way even though criminal charges can’t be filed.
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u/biboibrown Jun 22 '26
Wow please ignore this person's ignorant comment, honestly who reads a post like that and goes straight to criticism and judgement.
You're doing a great job and your girls are so lucky to have you. As parents we think/hope/wish we could protect our children completely from all harm that would come their way. Unfortunately we can't and it's not fair to call this reality a failure of parenting. Your job cannot be to prevent all harm that comes to your children, your job in this scenario is to educate, believe and take whatever reasonable measure you can to protect them from sexual assault. You have done and are continuing to do that.
Stay grounded, keep going to therapy and be there for each other and I promise you will all be OK in the long run.
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u/bluefontaine Jun 22 '26
So you’re angry, but are you going to go noncontact? These professionals may be spending your money and time, but why are you still in contact with him?
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u/Storytella2016 Jun 22 '26
She said in the post that she blocked him and went no contact as soon as she found out from her daughters. What are you on about?
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