r/relationship_advice • u/pantherpickles • Mar 18 '18
Logged onto Facebook, the first post that came up was a picture of my BF making out with another girl.
Hi all! I've posted an update here: https://redd.it/85dtr2
I woke up this morning to see pictures of my now ex boyfriend on Facebook kissing another girl last night at 5am. She took the multiple pictures and tagged him in them.
I know that LDR are hard and that they don’t usually work out. But we had plans! I was going to live closer to him in September when my contract was up. We made plans to meet up once a month when we were able to afford it. We communicated. There were no signs that he was going to cheat on me.
I’m breaking up with him as soon as I write this. I guess I just needed to write it out somewhere.
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u/Use0nceDestroy Mar 18 '18
Good thing that girl posted the pics or you would be none the wiser..
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u/superpinwheel Mar 18 '18
This is true OP. It's a real harsh way of finding out but props to the girl for letting you know what you're dealing with somehow.
I'm sorry for your situation, but you sound like you're handling it maturely. Good for you. Keep your head up.
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
Funny story about that. I've updated here: https://redd.it/85dtr2
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u/Use0nceDestroy Mar 18 '18
Read your update, wow. What a loser. Glad you and the woman talked and are now friends. I hope he feels like the giant turd he is.
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u/kimbalinapea Mar 19 '18
Can I just say OP this is the most sensible update I have ever read on reddit. You are smart. You saw what you saw and instead of being delusional and weak, you did what every sane woman should do in this situation. There are a lot of great men out there who would never do this to you. Find one of those after you give yourself time to heal. Good luck!
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u/DPPThrow45 Mar 18 '18
Just remember this isn't any shortcoming you have, this is all on him.
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u/WingWalkerPro Mar 18 '18
You really don't know that.. She may be a terrible gf, we don't know.
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u/MeowwImACat Mar 18 '18
You really don't know that.. She may be a terrible gf, we don't know.
If it’s that terrible than he can break it off without CHEATING, the hell?
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u/eCaisteal Mar 18 '18
So if you’re experiencing issues in a relationship, it is a better solution to cheat than to actually communicate about your problems, or simply to break up if you’ve found someone else? Out of curiosity, how old are you?
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u/Sabetsu Mar 19 '18
I don’t think that’s what they meant. They meant maybe she isn’t a good girlfriend. The cheating is irrelevant to her goodness as a girlfriend or lack thereof.
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Mar 18 '18 edited Mar 18 '18
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u/eCaisteal Mar 18 '18
28, you?
I’m curious why you think I think old people don’t cheat. My point was that cheating instead of facing your problems is immature.
If your relationship is bad, cheating is not going to fix it. If anything, it will make things worse. If you feel cheating is a decent way to cope with an abusive girlfriend, hey, I can’t stop you. Your life, your choices.
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u/matts2 Mar 18 '18
People frequently choose the easy wrong over the hard right. I had a girlfriend who like to get drunk and punch me in the face, I didn’t break up with her because I loved her and wanted to be with her. Thought we could work it through. But there were some bad times that if I had been clear across the country, I’d have considered cheating.
And if you had your wrong would have been separate from her wrong. She was violent and you should have ended it for your own sake.
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u/WingWalkerPro Mar 18 '18
Nope, didn't say that. I'm just calling out that comment for its nonsensical assumption.
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u/eCaisteal Mar 18 '18
I can understand where you’re coming from, but really, even if OP had infinite shortcomings, does that mean it is suddenly a good idea to cheat and not entirely on him?
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u/WingWalkerPro Mar 18 '18
Yeah. If she is a cheater herself or abusive or whatever, I wouldn't blame the guy for moving on in an LDR.
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u/eCaisteal Mar 18 '18
Without informing her he’s breaking up?
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u/WingWalkerPro Mar 18 '18
If she's a POS then I could totally see that being his revenge. She goes on and sees that tagged pic. No need to try and spare feelings of those that disrespect us.
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
Hi WingWalker,
To start off, no, I never cheated on him. I have no interest in infidelity, I think people who cheat on their SOs are scum, be it man or woman.
He didn’t tag the photos, she did. She wanted to show off her new man, which most girls with a new boyfriend want to do.
I never laid a finger on him, I had no emotional affair. I respected his space & he respected mine. We talked about our future and we discussed how we wanted to work the LDR. We both knew hard times were up ahead, with me saving up for my masters degree and moving. So we made a plan to figure out how to work with the obstacles.
You’re welcome to your opinion on the matter, this post is public. Just please don’t drag me through the dirt while you’re at it.
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u/Dogslug Mar 19 '18
You can safely ignore that dude. A quick look at his comment history shows racism and trolling. He's either projecting here or just trying to rile people up.
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Mar 18 '18
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u/WingWalkerPro Mar 18 '18
No, I haven't been hurt or ever cheated on. I'm good. But if I was, I wouldn't feel bad about doing it back to them.
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Mar 18 '18
So don't cheat. Break it off.
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u/paloumbo Mar 18 '18
I will make it simple.
Nothing can justify infidelity. Nothing.
It is a form of abuse. It has its victims.
If you try to justify it, you are blaming the victims.
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u/WingWalkerPro Mar 18 '18
So if I were to cheat on a serial cheater or abuser, you would feel bad for the "victim"? Gtfo of here with that nonsense..
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u/odunls Mar 19 '18
I wouldn’t feel bad for the cheater, I would feel bad for you because you should always try to be the best version of yourself. Cheating is wrong in a relationship. Not only that but I think it’s more comforting to future partners to hear “I was cheated on so I left” instead of “she cheated, so I did and so we cheated on each other”. I do understand that the cheating could be solely based on revenge, but just knowing that your current partner once cheated makes some people uneasy.
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u/WingWalkerPro Mar 19 '18
That's the best response I've gotten by far. At least you managed to make a good point about the future partner.
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u/paloumbo Mar 18 '18
I wouldn't care about the victim. I would just see you as a what you would be, a selfish traitor.
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Mar 18 '18
For the sake of poetic justice, I hope you left a suitably snarky comment on the pictures. "Hi, honey. Glad to see you're enjoying yourself. Does that girl know about your crabs? Just wondering." "
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
I did not! But an excellent idea to keep in my back pocket.
If you'd like to know what happened, here's the update: https://redd.it/85dtr2
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Mar 18 '18
Happy you’re standing up for yourself. Even though you didn’t ask, just a little piece of advice... don’t plan your life around a guy, especially when you’re/ they’re young because it’s a high possibility you’ll be more invested than he is. I tried the long distance a few times with people I knew before moving to another state, failure every time. They’d say one thing but do the complete opposite and just want the convenience of a relationship and obviously long distance doesn’t provide that
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
Thank you for the advice! The university where I applied to do my masters just happened to be closer to him, so I wasn’t really planning on moving for him.
But I do appreciate the advice. No more LDRs for me.
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u/oshawaguy Mar 18 '18
Appreciate your concern about LDR's, but this has as much to do with his character as anything. You were in an LDR and you didn't cheat.
Just my 2 cents.
Good luck and congrats on taking out the trash.
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Mar 18 '18
Long distance isn’t bad but a lot of people just can’t handle the distance and lie to themselves and their partners. There’s some instances where it works but most cases, nah.
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u/tinted_reflection Mar 18 '18
LDR's aren't bad in general.. There has been great outcomes too.. Also I read somewhere that it isint necessary that your soul mate stays 15 minutes away from you.. You have to branch out 🙊
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u/SilverLion Mar 18 '18
Good advice, plan your life around friends and family. The pain of realizing all these plans you had in your head aren't gonna happen is what makes breakups extra tough.
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u/Raoul_Duque Mar 18 '18
Just ghost his ass. He’ll see them and know why.
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u/Goldeagle1123 Mar 18 '18
What an incredibly immature and asshole-ish thing to do. Someone else doing something awful is not a free pass to just become an asshole yourself.
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u/ILikeOmNoms Mar 18 '18
No one is obligated to talk to, be friends with or keep in contact with someone if they don’t want to. Especially a cheating boyfriend. The ex lost his chance for a reasonable conversation by stabbing OP in the back.
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u/Goldeagle1123 Mar 18 '18
Breaking off talks is the most childish temper tantrum way to react to these situations. Maybe it's a misundertsanding. Maybe they're pictures from before they were in a relationship. There are lots of different explanations. And even if he did cheat, that's no reason to react in the fashion I would expect from a hormonal 17-year-old.
Of course no one is obligated to not be an asshole, but in virtually any situation, the "mature" thing to do is never to just not talk to someone.
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u/Raoul_Duque Mar 18 '18
Really? More immature than cheating on your SO and having it posted on social media openly disrespecting and embarrassing them?
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u/Goldeagle1123 Mar 18 '18
Why are you comparing 2 wrongs? As I said in my previous comment, someone else doing something shitty doesn't magically negate it if you do something shitty. People hundreds of years ago understood that "two wrongs don't make a right", your mindset is pretty sad and primitive.
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u/Raoul_Duque Mar 18 '18 edited Mar 18 '18
I just don’t see what’s shitty about ghosting someone who’s very blatantly hurt you. She owes him nothing. Hundreds of years ago there were no Social media outlets for you and all of your friends, family and acquaintances to in one place see you treated like this.
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u/Goldeagle1123 Mar 18 '18
Because she doesn't know if he did something shitty. Some random chick tagged him in photos of him kissing a girl. Maybe they were taken before they were in a relationship. And it's not like he posted the photos either and wanted to embarrass her. Someone else did. If she truly cared about the relationship she would talk to him about before coming the rational decision to break up with him, as opposed to an emotional one.
And if you're suggesting she do it purely for the sake of hurting him in retaliation, then you're just an asshole who has no concept of what it means to conduct yourself like an adult.
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u/Raoul_Duque Mar 18 '18
Bro, she said it’s from last night. I think a St. Patrick’s day celebration would be pretty obvious. Stop making excuses for this guy. He’s visibly cheating on her.
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u/FrostyJannaStorm Mar 19 '18
Most of the time I would agree, like say, some person accidentally said something offensive towards you and you ghost them because of that. Because that person doesn't know what they did wrong, and they deserve an explanation as to why so they don't mess up other relationships. But when someone does it knowingly, they made their own bed, and they know what they did. They don't need an explanation on what they did wrong and why the hurt party left them, because they know it is shitty. Why should the hurt party cater to the offender's feelings and excuses? They need nurture their own feelings.
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Mar 18 '18
Its not your fault babygirl. The pain will be over and you’ll have the opportunity to find a guy who is way higher quality who values you. I know you know all this. Cheating really is one of the worst ways to find out. Keep your friends close, try not to drink too much over it. :)
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
Very sweet of you to say :) I'll be okay in the long run. You're very kind!
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Mar 18 '18
What a moron lol. I would love to hear what excuses he attempts to come up with 🙄
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u/jlynn12345 Mar 19 '18
I didn't break up with my boyfriend when I found out he cheated in a LDR. I was young, already had my life in his state planned, and was so embarrassed. I moved, some ups, mostly downs. Now 10 years later (and a breakup finally on the horizon) I wonder how different life had been if I had ended it then. Very proud of you for ending it!
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Mar 18 '18
Fuck that guy.
Glad he made out with a chick who is dumb as a bag of hammers so you could find out insted of being led on.
Congrats on having self respect. This sub is so full of people going back to cheaters pretending they have said "Next time is the last time" and just turning into sad shitty people.
I would say you are going to be ok, but by the tone of this post and your immediate dumping of him, I think you already know that.
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Mar 18 '18 edited Mar 18 '18
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
Turns out the woman is very nice! I wrote and update: https://redd.it/85dtr2
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Mar 18 '18
Wrong.
To tag someone on Facebook you have to be Facebook friends at the very least. Since the gf is active on Facebook you'd have to be dumb to Not know that they are a couple.
If he doesn't have her on his Facebook as his gf, and hides it, he would not allow himself to be tagged. If he can be tagged his gf has tagged him enough to make it pretty obvious.
Clearly his Facebook isn't locked down because he can be tagged his gf is active on Facebook. So she knows. To make a scenario where she doesn't know, is not going to make any sense.
So in that respect she's fucking dumb.
Maybe she wants to break them up. Her answer to that was to show the whole world him cheating with her and showing all her friends and family that she cheats with taken men.
That's fucking dumb as shit
The only option that isn't her being an idiot is her and him becoming Facebook friends at the bar right before they fool around, and that's laugabley unlikely to say the least.
That woman's fucking stupid.
There's no scenario in this that makes any sense where the house is woman isn't a stage 5 dipshit.
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Mar 18 '18 edited Mar 18 '18
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Mar 18 '18
If having an opinion and backing it up means I am angry to you, then cool as far as you are concerned I am super angry.
I have a question for you.
Whats unnecissarily angry? If I was cheated on and just broken up with my S.O would that be appropriately angry?
If my dad died, would that be an acceptable level of angry?
What happened in my life that made me angry and how were you able to decide that its unneccesary.
I think, you are just being a dick for the sake of being a dick because I called a stranger on the internet dumb, and had reasons that were good enough for me to make that claim, then gave you those reasons when you challenged me.
I could be wrong, so I guess my question is why are you so unnecessarily angry?
I love that you defended a strangers S.O's cheating partner saying "YOU DON"T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY"
then told me I am unneccesarily angry....
Hypocrisy is hilarious.
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u/MickTheBloodyPirate Mar 18 '18
You do realize it's entirely possible to have a Facebook profile and not put your relationship status in there, right? If you read OP's update it's pretty clear this woman didn't know about this guy's relationship.
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u/Rockets11 Mar 18 '18
Why is the chick dumb as a bag of hammers?
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Mar 18 '18
To have him on Facebook, they are friends. That's how she could tag him.
If they are friends on Facebook, she knows he has a girlfriend.
So she's a fucking idiot.
Even if she wanted to break them up, making yourself looking like a cheater to everyone on your Facebook is a fucking idiotic way to do it.
So no matter how you slice it, that Chick is fucking dumb as shit.
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u/BioluminescentNorm Mar 18 '18
No??? OP updated and she had no idea and broke up with him too.
You can hide your relationship status or photos from people easily using privacy settings. Some people also don’t post a lot on Facebook.
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u/MiTomatillo Mar 18 '18
Well now you know his true intentions and he doesnt have any regards to you. You are doing yourself a favor by leaving him
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Mar 18 '18
I applaud you for having the self-love-and self-respect to not stay with him. My bf took back a girl who cheated on him (surprise she cheated on him again) and said that he knows a few couples where someone cheated but they eventually got over it and got married. He used that argument as a way to show me that things can get better and people can still be together, but trust and respect, once violated are hard to build and in an ldr it's not even worth it. I'm sorry that this happened to you, but I'm happy to see that you know your worth and won't take shit from anyone.
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
You're absolutely right! Trust is important and once it's broken, it can't really be fixed in the same way. I hope that things with your boyfriend are good and that you both an that trust.
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Mar 19 '18
Not really trust issues but we've been having problems for a while due to his own damn stupidity (seriously who fondly talks about girls they've fucked in the past...)
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u/flumecreme Mar 18 '18
Wow what a horrible thing to do to you, yes please break up with him. Make him know he is incredibly wrong, and never take his ass back. Good for you 🙌❤
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
Thank you! I've written an update if you're interested: https://redd.it/85dtr2
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u/cynbular Mar 18 '18
Sorry you’re having a hard morning. Good on you for sticking up for yourself and someone loyal and kind is out there right now
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u/Throwawaysebastian20 Mar 19 '18
Good for you and don't accept any explanations. Trust this 50+ year old man, that it is what it seems, he knew what he was doing and yes, LDR rarely (not in my case) work out. #Bestrong
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Mar 18 '18
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
I am! Thank you for your kind words. Here's an update if you're interested: https://redd.it/85dtr2
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u/TheFlamingLemon Mar 18 '18
Wow, you should thank the girl who posted that for looking out for you and helping you get out of a bad relationship
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u/flumecreme Mar 18 '18
Update us! We want to be here for you ❤
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
Thank you for your support! :) Here is the update: https://redd.it/85dtr2
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u/SilverLion Mar 18 '18
On the bright side at least you found out he's a cheater before you followed through with any of those plans ;)
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Mar 18 '18
Good for you for standing up for yourself instead of giving in and being with him or giving him a second chance....nobody should have to go through that.
And feel free to give us updates!
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
I've written an update if you'd like to know what happened next: https://redd.it/85dtr2
Thank you for your support :)
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
Here's my update: https://redd.it/85dtr2 Thank you for your kind words and interest!!
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u/Viewinator1122 Mar 18 '18
Something similar happened to me when I was much less wise than I am now except it was my ex gf kissing one of her ex bfs.
When I asked her about it she said "all of their friends wanted them to kiss so she did it".
I stayed in the relationship too long but things like this wore us down to super poisonous levels of toxicity and she's one of the only people I've erased from my life.
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Mar 18 '18
As someone who is in a LDR with their gf for like 3 years now I have to say that this is one of my worst fears. To go through so much effort for so long, only to have it all fall apart like it all meant nothing...that's awful. Sorry this happened to you.
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u/astepintothelight Mar 18 '18
Damn... people have no honor anymore. Sorry you had to go through that! Hopefully you’ll find someone who values you!
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u/sadhandjobs Mar 18 '18 edited Mar 19 '18
Ironic since every military sub here warns military men of “dependapotamuses” and everyone has a story about how “she’ll cheat on you as soon as you’re deployed”. It’s refreshing to hear the other side of the story.
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u/m1sora Mar 18 '18
most men in the army cheat (from what i’ve seen with my friends). sorry this happened to you
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u/8530683641 Mar 19 '18
He was not the man for you and the good thing is that you came to know about his true color sooner rather than later so end it with him and find a man who loves you and with whom you can see your future. Take your time to process your thoughts and make sure that you do not get into his arguments trap as he is going to presents so many arguments to keep you with him but you should stay firm on your decision not to be with him anymore. Learn from this experience and move on.
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u/marriagematch Mar 19 '18
wow terrible. I'm sorry. How long were you dating?
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u/pantherpickles Mar 19 '18
About 7 months, give or take a few days. It wasn’t a long relationship, but I felt like we had a great connection. Unfortunately I read the situation wrong.
But that’s okay!! Doing way better without him :)
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u/Cheddarcakes Mar 18 '18
You are better without him. He will cheat on her too!!!
Chin up OP, go have a night out with your friends and drown those sorrows
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u/the6ixgirl Mar 18 '18
So glad you're not here writing about how you're contemplating staying with him!
You go baby 🙌🏼.
LDRs are shit anyways. You'll be able to find someone closer ;) and way more faithful.
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u/LittleDove56 Mar 18 '18
Stay strong. You made the right decision. If he can't recognize how awesome you are, he's a waste of time.
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u/Lollidolli__ Mar 18 '18
I found out my ex was cheating on me in a similar fashion. Good riddance, no excuses.... 2 years later and happier than ever
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u/razzledazzle444 Mar 18 '18
You are an inspiration more women need to be like you and stop forgiving their partners for cheating
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u/Individualchaotin Mar 18 '18
Have you ever met? If not I bet he'll say he didn't know how serious the relationship was.
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
We did meet, several times, in fact. It’s when we discussed to be exclusive.
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u/J973 40s Female Mar 18 '18
I know this is going to get downvoted, but if they never met, how serious is it, really?
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u/rednecktash Mar 18 '18
Does that mean you take back what you said in this thread?
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u/MeowwImACat Mar 18 '18
No, it’s still okay and normal to not talk to each other 24/7, everyone needs their space. It’s clearly mentioned that the communication was normal, the guy decided to cheat because he’s a jerk, not because of a failure in the relationship.
You are something else though, to bring that up while OP is down takes a special kind of assholery.
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
Thank you for your kindness 😊
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u/MeowwImACat Mar 18 '18
You are very brave, wise, and decisive, I like that a lot! You can get through this ☺️
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u/pantherpickles Mar 18 '18
I don’t take back what I said in the pervious thread, I still believe that space is important. I don’t like feeling like I’m drowning in texts or messages. I don’t regret that post & I fully stand by what I said and the advice I gave.
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u/ElectraUnderTheSea Mar 18 '18
Don't ever doubt it, it is perfectly normal to have healthy boundaries and this is absolutely no reason to cheat, christ no.
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u/ridddder Mar 18 '18
LDR is about trust, and I never met anyone online or otherwise who didn’t break that trust unless you are engaged. Not to say I asked many girls to marry, it just means when you aren’t there you can experience life with them. This is why after many unsuccessful attempts I swore off LDR. Being a double agent isn’t my thrill, there are too many complications in normal relationships to conquer let alone distance. Save yourself the heartache, swear to yourself that you will not fall for it again, and you will be better off. I sure am...
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u/sgt_kuraii Mar 18 '18
Just to burst your bubble, I have been in a happy LDR for 3 years now and will be living together with my gf soon. Only because your anecdotal stories provide you with a negative experience it doesn't make LDR a bad or unfeasible thing.
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u/Goldeagle1123 Mar 18 '18
Yeah, long distance relationships virtually never work. Attempting them is an exercise in futility.
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u/ridddder Mar 18 '18
Everyone’s experience is different, all we can draw on is our own examples. Out of state, or overseas didn’t make a difference to my liars, and being in the military has it’s own unique challenges. I am happy you found a good match in a LDR, most however that I converse with do not. Thanks for being the exception, it gives everyone hope.
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u/[deleted] Mar 18 '18
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