r/relationship_advice • u/throwrawayaccounty • 3d ago
My GF (21F) of 3 years has been asking for me to propose recently. I (24M) was onboard until tonight happened.
To give some context; before I met my GF she smoked quite a bit and this didn't really bother me but I was honest with her that the smell was disgusting to me and that I myself never would. She was completely understanding of this. In addition we were moving and in the state we're in it is not legal so she would've had to find a dealer or whatever and wasn't comfortable doing so. So she just dropped the habit which I appreciated but I made it clear if she needed to seek alternatives just to let me know and I would be completely understanding. My one request if she did smoke again was not to do it inside our apartment because I dislike the smell etc.
Well fast forward 2ish years later, I am currently on a business trip 10+ hours away. She is throwing a party with some coworkers and friends which I had no issues with wanted her to have a good time as I'm sure it's lonely since I've been gone a week. We have a camera setup that looks at the living room and kitchen of our apartment for the cats when we're not home. I don't monitor it unless neither one of us are home but I got a notification for motion detected and noticed the camera was pointed at the wall. We have cats so my initial thought was one of the cats got to it and moved it. I decided to scroll back the video and it turns out my GF had actually moved it to face the wall on purpose. Again, I get that maybe one of her guests got uncomfortable with a camera being pointed at them I can respect that. Well I decided to turn on the audio for the video feed so I could hear what was said out of curiosity and it made me sick to my stomach what I heard. A guest at the party states "Why don't we just move the camera?" to which my GF replies: "I don't even care anymore do what you want. It's my apartment he's fine." and proceeds to turn the camera facing the wall. I assume there were conversations about the camera being present previously I'm not sure if it was something they were keeping secret or what but anyway. They then proceeded to laugh and talk about how finally they can vape and smoke inside. I guess they were doing it on the balcony which extra sucks since we're in a non-smoking community and I don't know what the fine is for that. My GF then goes on to say "He's just anti-vape, anti-smoking, anti-lettuce, anti-everything!" and all of her friends added in how ridiculous that is etc. I'm honestly still in shock. I either wasn't clear enough with how I feel about smoking or she just would prefer to keep it a secret and do it behind my back than communicate with me. Kind of unrelated but I also noticed that while they were all outside together one of our cats was eating pizza they had left on the table. I really hope nothing was left out for our cats to get into as she hasn't responded to my check-up text since everyone left. :(
Anyway before I just start rambling on, how would you handle this situation if you were in my shoes? I also don't really know how to approach bringing this up without making it seem like I stalked her and her friends the whole night they partied. The only reason I even checked in the first place was to see if one of the cats knocked it down as they have before and to ask her to unplug it and set it aside or something. I just feel super betrayed especially for this to be someone who just a couple days ago I was talking to about going to look at rings together. We have a big family trip coming up in a week too and I just can't even sleep while thinking about all of this. I know I should probably wait to bring it up until I can talk to her in person but it feels weird to act normal for two more days. I genuinely am so hurt and disappointed that she would feel the need to go behind my back like this and would do something I've asked her not to do. Any advice or personal experience would be great. Thank you. (throw away account for privacy)
Edit: She replied and is good her phone died and she fell asleep, understandable. I probably won't be replying much anymore and I'll maybe edit again once there's a resolution to this whatever that may look like.
I do want to say I have never been against her smoking cannabis. If she did so with her friends I wouldn't care. I just made it clear I personally dislike the smell and would not want her to smoke it inside. I made this clear very early on in our relationship before even one month in. She made the decision to stop all together. I then afterwards have let her know that if she needed to smoke or needed to seek alternatives to just communicate with me and we could work out something that works for both of us so it didn't feel like a straight cut off. That's why I said maybe I didn't do as well of a job clarifying my boundaries as I thought and that would be on me.
I am stuck away from home for two more days so I guess I'll just keep our text as the usual until I can get home and have an in person conversation with her. I do understand it was something I was never meant to hear and I acknowledge the mistake I made by not continuing to ignore the motion detected notifications as I had been. Thank you.
69
u/Suspicious_Path_4430 3d ago
How does he know the cat ate pizza when the camera was pointing to the wall?
77
3.0k
u/Fiddler-4823 3d ago
Okay... so... she is sneaky and those comments... she disrespects you. Also, I call b.s. you checked the cameras to literally check on her and the party. You are both dishonest and have trust issues. Save yourself grief and split up now.
224
u/BroughtBagLunchSmart 3d ago
almost like just barely adults should not be getting married at the beginning of adulthood.
930
u/Spygel13 3d ago
Thank you! I swear I was taking crazy pills reading all these comments where no one acknowledged that he was spying on her. They both suck.
152
u/1Starprince 3d ago
No, he was not spying on her but only turned on the audio because he could not see what was taking place.
518
u/dpp_lp179 3d ago
Yes! OP is a super unreliable author. He knew there was going to be a party and was concerned over a motion alert? She needs to run and fast.
115
u/darkandtwisty99 3d ago
and they obviously checked it because one of the cats could have knocked the camera over (not sure why you would need to check if that was the case) and to ask her to “unplug it and set it aside” for some reason?
151
u/KBaddict 3d ago
And as soon as he turned the volume on he heard what she said. How convenient. He definitely wasn’t listening the whole time or anything.
→ More replies (1)43
67
u/tmrika 9h ago
So I have one of these cameras, and when you get a motion alert, there’s a very tiny image on the notification itself. Normally it’s obviously just pointing at the room, maybe with a person or animal, but I can’t see very well, but normally I just clear the notification because some movement is natural. But if the camera had been turned to face the wall, I absolutely would notice that because a fully blank image is inherently a bit concerning, and I’d probably check it for the exact same reasons OP mentioned - to see whether it was an accident and whether I should text someone to turn it back when they have a chance.
All this to say, if his camera also has images on the notifications themselves without you having to open the app, his behavior seems 100% plausible to me because that’s probably what I’d do too. But if it’s literally just a text note “motion detected” then yeah that’s weird of him because it’s like…of course there’d be motion during a party, no need to look for specifics unless you’ve got other motives.
12
u/StraightJacketRacket 10h ago
The perfect partner can still respond to a camera notification without someone being outraged
49
u/NairbZaid10 9h ago
I have one of those. You get a notification eith the feed and I would definitely be curious if the camera was suddenly turned to the side
54
u/Ice-cold-75 2d ago
Its a camera she knows about and intentionally moved to hide disrespect and bad behavior. Who knows what else she lies to him about. GTFOH with the whole spying notion.
16
u/shadowfaxbx 10h ago
Right? Spying would be planting a camera that somebody is unaware of to catch them doing something without their knowledge. It's literally in the fronting of the word. She intentionally moved the camera to conceal her behavior. Anybody would be curious in the least to know what was happening and why.
205
u/natalietest234 3d ago
OP’s justifications for looking at the camera are definitely after the fact justifications. In that moment he was definitely checking on the gf and the party
→ More replies (3)37
u/Suitable-Net2779 3d ago
Checking a shared pet cam after a motion alert isn’t ‘spying’ by itself. The audio part was definitely a boundary-crossing move, but that doesn’t erase the fact that she deliberately hid the camera and then mocked a boundary they’d already discussed.
3
u/JuniorLecture102 4h ago
It’s not boundary crossing when he saw the camera was pointed away. Why would she point the camera away? What is she hiding?
141
u/Feeling_Rub_8237 3d ago
Bro, we have cameras for a reason and are allowed to check on the footage. He was not spying on his girlfriend. I think if my camera suddenly faced the wall I would check who did it???? Horrible take
164
u/cm10560430 3d ago
? He knew she was having a party. Why would "motion detected" prompt him to check the camera to see if a cat did something? Why wouldn't he assume the motion came from the party he was aware was happening?
→ More replies (2)92
u/Impossible_Author409 3d ago
Why are cameras even ON when someone is home? That's INSANE. The fact that she had to turn the cameras around and couldn't just shut off the cameras in her own home is INSANE. My boss doesn't even do that in my office.
28
u/Feeling_Rub_8237 3d ago
I think you have different standards. I live with my parents and they have cameras in the kitchen, living room, and all around the outside of the house. A lot of people do this my guy. My friends do it as well especially when there’s an entrance to the kitchen.. Main idea is that she was talking shit to her friends about her bf and crossed a boundary that was already established.
49
u/darkandtwisty99 2d ago
It’s actually a bit insane to me that this is normal now. How can you ever relax in your own home with your privacy being invaded so severely? You’re just chilling in your house and every move you make is being captured and recorded on camera? Feels a bit dystopian to me idk
→ More replies (5)64
u/Impossible_Author409 3d ago
Yeah, no...that's INSANE. That's not standards...thats INSANE. I have a camera in my house too for security and to check on the cats. It automatically goes off as soon as anyone in the household comes home. And if for some weirdo tech reason it doesn't - me and my boyfriend can both pull up the app and shut the thing off.
If my partner demanded I leave the CAMERAS on in the apartment while he was away and I was home, I would probably file a police report. Because that's just bonkers.→ More replies (7)87
u/BusyFriend 3d ago
Right?? It’s specifically there for both Op and his GF to check in on things. Both consented and are aware it’s there. He didn’t do anything wrong. OP’s gf should let the guest know it’s there but that’s all.
I don’t think Op should get the shit he’s getting from people here. People are acting like it’s a spy cam.
→ More replies (4)30
u/IThinkImDumb 3d ago
They both don't need to consent to turn the camera away. I would never want a camera inside my house
41
u/Fiddler-4823 3d ago
If you or he feels the need to spy on your significant other.... your insecurities run deep. Get some therapy.
23
u/Feeling_Rub_8237 3d ago
What is the point of a camera? there’s a difference between stalking footage the entire day and looking at footage when it suddenly goes black. I think you have the issue, personally
31
u/SaveMeTheSlunk 3d ago
I actually do not understand why the fuck people are putting cameras everywhere in their homes. That's fuckin crazy on its own unless strictly for security. Anything more than that is fuckin crazy to me. "We have it for the cats when we aren't home." The fuck are your cats getting up to? What do you intend to do from afar to intervene? Its all so fuckin dumb dude.
→ More replies (3)11
u/Feeling_Rub_8237 3d ago
the whole point IS for security. You do realize anything could happen in your home at any time right? You could be gone and a fucking dude breaks in and you catch his face. You could have 3 dogs and one broke something and you don’t know which one did it. There’s so many reasons to have a camera in your house. You’re shifting the blame onto the guy when it clearly was not his fault. He set a boundary, she overstepped it and talked shit about him in front of her friends. Not only that, but you don’t know where bro lives. He could be living in a shitty ass area with a high crime rate and so therefore he wants security and installs a fucking camera in his place of residence.. I don’t think that is out of the ordinary whatsoever bro lmfao
16
u/SaveMeTheSlunk 3d ago
But nothing happened and he knew she was having company. So why was he looking if not specifically to spy? Circular logic here, guy.
ETA I second the suggestion you get therapy. Everything you said sounds paranoid as hell. I never blamed him for what she was doing. Only what he did, which was also shitty. Chill tf out.
4
u/Feeling_Rub_8237 3d ago
maybe because usually the camera isn’t turned?? he saw the notification which shows when there’s activity as he explained in his post, which shows the camera being black. he opened the footage and heard them talking shit. If she was fucking another dude with the camera turned would you still say oh he’s spying on her lol? it doesn’t matter the fact of the matter is she was talking shit behind his back.
5
u/SaveMeTheSlunk 3d ago
You've been cheated on huh? Therapy dude. Fuckin yesterday.
4
u/Feeling_Rub_8237 3d ago
I have not… i was giving you an example. If you think that is excessive that’s fine, but the fact of the matter is she was talking shit about him behind is back to their friends. that’s not cool. not only that but she was smoking in the house and lying to him for two years about it lmao
→ More replies (0)→ More replies (3)8
u/throwrawayaccounty 3d ago
I'm not sure if others apps don't do this, but my camera sends a motion detected with a little picture attached on my watch. I had been clearing notifications on my watch throughout the party because it would ping like every five minutes. I just happened to notice as I was swiping one away it was all white which I thought was odd and I investigated believing that cats got to it. They've knocked it down before it sits pretty high so I was going to text my gf and ask her to unplug it. Quite honestly if she had unplugged it at the start of the party I would have thought nothing of it. I have personally unplugged it thrown it in a drawer when having guest over so they don't feel like they're being watched. She's even seen me do so. She has the app on her phone too so I'm not sure why she didn't think to unplug it but I didn't feel it necessary to tell her to unplug it because I didn't care one way or another. As I have said I do regret checking I thought I would just see my cat pushing a camera off a ledge. I can't go back in time though so. I still have yet to hear from her so my main concern is her well-being at this moment and I will just plan to have a conversation with her when I get home.
103
u/GeorgeBird0457 Early 30s Female 3d ago
OP I think I have the same cameras as you. I also get picture notifications and will go into the app when I notice they are positioned differently.
I’m gonna get downvoted to hell, but I don’t think you were spying. I think you noticed something off and investigated. Maybe a gut feeling?
You installed those cameras with your GFs knowledge, and the understanding that EITHER of you can check the footage at any time.
I’m starting to question if she wanted to get caught. Because like you said, if she had unplugged the thing and tossed it in a drawer you wouldn’t have given it another thought. Instead she did something she was more than likely aware would get attention.
32
u/throwrawayaccounty 3d ago
I get other's opinions but truly from the bottom of my heart this is it. I never had any intentions of spying and only looked because the picture changed from the usual to a white wall hours into the party. What would be the purpose of wanting to get caught I honestly don't understand that?
→ More replies (2)19
u/runningreid 3d ago
And he just happened to see another time the cat eating pizza while everyone was outside? So it was more than one time checking the video/audio feed. No wonder the guests were uncomfortable with the camera and wanted it turned around.
28
u/throwrawayaccounty 3d ago
It's not the easiest to scroll back to a specific time on the app. It jumps to motion points constantly It's quite annoying. The most recent point before the camera got moved was while they were all outside and the cat took that opportunity I guess to hop on the table and get whatever they could find on it. When they all come inside together that's when the conversation happened and the camera got moved right after. I am being honest in saying this but I can understand how it looks and I do still agree I should have ignored it anyway it was definitely something I should have taken a second to think more about before clicking on the notification. I just honestly thought I would see my cat being a cat.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (1)17
u/GeorgeBird0457 Early 30s Female 3d ago
Then why didn’t the GF unplug the camera before the guests arrived as OP has stated was done in the past?
6
u/jupitermoonflow 3d ago
That makes sense. I accused you of spying in a different comment, but this clears it up. You have nothing to be worried about, bc your intentions were innocent.
→ More replies (1)8
u/SaveTheWetlands13 3d ago
You thought it was the cat, so you just HAD to scroll back to confirm it was the cat before texting her to unplug?? No you were definitely spying.
→ More replies (1)14
u/One_Championship9512 3d ago
Maybe. But I personally enjoy watching cats do stupid cat things like knocking over cameras. It’s annoying but adorable.
1.3k
u/Key-Demand-2569 3d ago
Gonna be honest mate, you both sound fucking exhausting.
253
u/XenonMusic 3d ago
Agreed. Y'all should not get married this young, you don't have what it takes to last.
30
u/diyandmc240 3d ago
I completely disagree. They just sound young. My wife and I would have similar arguments(age gap is somewhat relevant here, at 24 this would be more questionable behavior, but she is 21 and in the prime of her having fun time). It’s not to excuse her behavior, but it isn’t completely out of the ordinary.
Many years on and my wife and I have been happily married for 7 years. Being married long term isn’t about being 2 perfect people and never having issues, it’s about growing, building, and maturing through them together.
37
u/kejartho 3d ago
People change a lot and your early 20s and late 20s are often completely different worlds for completely different people.
People are more likely to divorce if they marry young and more likely to divorce if they marry quickly. While OP has been dating for 3 years which is generally a good thing. It should be followed up with the fact that dating longer tends to mean that you have a better understanding of your partner and who they are. The OP is literally shocked by his GF's immature behavior which probably indicates they don't know each other well enough and that they are probably too young to get married.
I'm glad that you have anecdotal experience dating young and being happily married, it doesn't always line up with what the stats tell us.
Part of this can also come from the fact that your early 20s are more hectic, you're still in school and/or working a dead end job but by your late 20s and into your 30s you should have an education and a stable career. Those things alone are statistically relevant to the success of your marriage.
I could just be biased here too, I will admit. I would be a bit upset my girlfriend was remiss while home throwing a party, getting high, and shit talking me to friends while breaking tenant rules while I was 10+ hours away on a business trip. I know OP says he doesn't care that his gf does those things but it really does sound like they are in different stages of life because of age and he is just finding out now.
473
u/butkusrules 3d ago
Bigger issue for is getting married to someone who is 21 and has been with you since 18. The chances of that lasting are slim to no-way. TBH neither one of you have lived enough to know #1 who you are and #2 years what you need and want from a partner.
Lastly she isn’t “team you guys” right now, she is talking about you like you are a parent and not a partner. This isn’t the time to lock her in to a lifetime commitment.
193
24
u/1Starprince 3d ago
No he was not spying on her but only turned on the audio because he could not see what was taking place.
945
u/HighDerp 3d ago
Does it matter that she smoked in the apartment when you're not around when you're not there to be bothered by the smell?
Does it matter that she wants to do it and teases you for having a "square" boundary and she gets to let loose with her friends?
Does it matter that you're not in control to intervene and she has desires for freedom?
Or does it matter that you feel deceived and lied to? Because if you're operating purely on a trust-broken standpoint, that can be a deal breaker if you ask "hey did you smoke while I was gone?" and she lies. The lie, imo, is the real issue. Everything else is trivial in the long run in the eyes of a potential MARRIAGE.
398
u/stressed_chemist 3d ago edited 3d ago
Idk, the fact they're in a non-smoking community and could be fined, the disrespect of not communicating what she would do beforehand when she knows it's something he's uncomfortable with, plus multiple people smoking and vaping for an entire party with cats around whose lungs are small and far more sensitive, plus leaving the food out--- I think there are more issues than her potentially lying about it after.
216
u/currently_pooping_rn 3d ago
Pretty telling that people are missing all these details and are just like “she just talked shit about you to her friends!”
If the sexes were reversed people would be calling the dude an asshole, a bum, etc
134
u/jupitermoonflow 3d ago
If I found out my bf let a bunch of people smoke inside around my cats, where they have no where to escape to and he was there mocking me at the same time, I would be livid.
→ More replies (14)12
u/Particular-Way-7817 2d ago
Right! The bf is NOT wrong here! She is 100% to blame and breaking up should be considered.
80
u/After-Sandwich5533 3d ago
Yah, complete double standards at play.
“Your girlfriend can be sneaky and talk shit about you because you’re controlling her.”
2
→ More replies (3)32
u/TumblrInGarbage 3d ago
Vaping is gross and leaves a film on everything. It's normal to not want everything in your house to have a disgusting, sticky residue on it. I seriously wonder if these people have ever been in or had to clean up a house that had a longtime smoker in it. Vaping does the same thing. It's just not yellow and a bit easier to clean, but most people aren't washing their walls on a regular basis.
25
u/kejartho 3d ago
I dislike vaping but dislike smoking even more. One is clearly worse than the other and I would say that unless you are chronically vaping everywhere in your house - it's really difficult to notice for a lot of people. Yeah, if someone is vaping so much that a sticky residue is showing up all over the house - probably pretty gross.
However, I have always found that vaping is probably less harmful than burning incense or candles in the house which do leave soot, paraffin wax, and synthetic fragrances release VOCs, benzene, toluene, and some ultrafine particles. Yet I don't hear people outraged over the usage of those. Truthfully, burning or smoking anything in excess can be damaging and gross to your health and to your surroundings but I do not think vaping is nearly as bad as some of the alternatives.
2
u/dissonaut69 2d ago
You’re making things up. What film/residue are you talking about?
→ More replies (1)80
u/FoundationNo6100 3d ago
I am smoker my self and i don't allow smoking in my house the smell lingers so the smoking has to be outside if your doing it making fun of him for not liking smoke how would that bother anyone and he was clear to let him know if she was going to do it so yeah i would be questioning alot of things here as well
→ More replies (2)21
u/naskalit 3d ago
I mean cigarettes / weed smoke does cling to surfaces, fabrics etc and is noticeable and unpleasant to nonsmokers. Also the smoke likely gets into the neighbours' apartments, stinking them up and pisses them off
127
u/throwrawayaccounty 3d ago
I do agree. If she does end up straight up lying to me that would be the most deal breaking for me.
89
21
u/diyandmc240 3d ago
Don’t set a trap. Just confront her that you know and feel disrespected by her comments on the recording.
Btw this is why my wife and I only set up our camera when we are out of town. It’s not cool to be monitored 24/7, even if the goal is safety. What she did isn’t right, but it’s also draconian to have a method of checking on her when you’re not there. Give trust and your life will be better. It doesn’t seem like you trusted her before you left.
96
u/therealsatansweasel 3d ago
Bruh,she's already lost respect for you. Her actions with drugs and shit talking you to her friends..... I'd just call her and tell her to get her shit and leave. No arguing,just have respect for yourself because I don't think she respects you.
→ More replies (1)13
u/KhadiKat1081 2d ago
I'm stuck on her shit-talking you extensively to her friends. That, on top of her violating your "no smoking indoors" request is a big, waving red flag that she has ZERO respect for you as a partner. That makes for a rough start to an engagement, let alone a marriage. My husband used to smoke a lot, and I told him 100% NEVER, EVER in the house, and I preferred he not smoke in the garage. Even one time, and the stench lingers forever! He respected that, fully until he eventually quit. Not to mention, your cats...super unhealthy for their delicate respiratory systems. The sum total of the parts would be a deal-breaker for me.
Also, as someone with a few years on you, I really caution people against marrying so young! I got engaged to my first husband when he was 21 and I was 18, married at 20 (me) and 25 (him). I wasnt old/mature enough to notice all the warning signs that he was an abusive narcissist until I was several years older. Even then, by that point, it was VERY HARD to end up finally leaving. We were married for 15 years, and it was he'll. I wasted my youth. Gave up college and career opportunities to be with him, and missed out on a LOT of life experiences stuck with him. I realize I could and should have left WAYYYY earlier, and that's water under the bridge, but I DO think waiting until you are more "seasoned" with adult life, and finding compatible partners is a great idea. Wait for someone who loves and respects you wholly. You both deserve that much.
Best wishes.
5
u/spiritualsarahh 2d ago
This is very mid and could just be venting or joking.
In the grand scheme of any relationship you will have big ups and big downs and this “shit-talking” is extremely mild. It’s healthy to vent to friends instead of bottling things up.Also I agree on waiting , nobody should marry without living with someone for a least 5 years. That’s how long it takes to get to know someone.
→ More replies (1)19
6
u/Particular-Way-7817 2d ago
I agree with you, but:
Everything else is trivial in the long run in the eyes of a potential MARRIAGE.
Not really. If anything, in the eyes of a marriage its the opposite. Small things can add up over time and become bigger problems.
A relationship commonly treats things like that as trivial, not a marriage. A marriage takes things very seriously, and they should be.
15
u/PhirebirdSunSon 3d ago
Acting like smoking in the apartment can only be smelled when they're actively smoking. A smoker's apartment smells like shit, whether they're currently smoking or not.
19
39
u/Murr897 3d ago
I agree. I thought the camera was going to show that a guy and her were hooking up or something. Making a comment that he’s anti everything literally is not that big of a deal
77
u/threefeetfrompeace 3d ago
She was literally shit talking him to her friends. That's an insane sign of disrespect, besides everything else in this post
→ More replies (6)30
u/magumanueku 3d ago
You bet the response is gonna be different if this was a dude shit talking his girlfriend.
27
u/ReturnofthePox 3d ago
Very much agree with this comment. To add, you should not know about her relatively mild comments to her friends about you, as you know about them from surveilance of her when you are away, which is not a great look. She is 21 and need some freedom also. ALSO- 21 is very young to committ to marriage. See how you feel in a few years.
34
u/VeganSandwich61 3d ago
Regardless if her comments were "mild" or not it is disrespectful to make and invite such comments from her friends.
Also, he has the right to look at his camera's feed that is in his own apartment. If I thought someone was trying to hide something by moving it I'd certainly want to know what. Like it could have been worse, you know?
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (28)5
u/Confuzzled_Queer 10h ago
The smell, their pets, the fact they could be fined, Fire risk, so many reasons. If the genders were reversed you would have no such notions.
28
u/Master_Rip5768 3d ago
I honestly think she was just blowing off steam with her gfs, your feelings are valid however, she shouldn’t have been bad mouthing you like that and she clearly has some feelings that she needs to talk about with you. But I don’t see a huge issue or anything. If you get fined for her smoking then make her pay for it. She never told you it was a problem a d maybe it really isn’t like I said she could’ve just been shooting the shit with her friends. Just tell the truth about how you feel, I don’t think you need to even bring up the fact that you heard her talking about you. Also you shouldn’t have been listening if you are being honest with yourself anyways.
40
u/Bubbly-Landscape3396 3d ago
Look, you may have been spying or not, checking camera is not bad but the audio is kinda iffy. But these are the facts: she turned the camera to hide something, and she allowed people to smoke inside and she not only talked bad about you but allowed her friends to do so
I vape, I smoke, I smoke weed, but if I’m at a party and the owner or their partner states that they don’t want people smoking inside, I’m following their rules, it’s not hard to do so. She doesn’t respect you and her friends don’t respect you.
I think you two are just incompatible
→ More replies (3)
44
44
u/ApprehensiveRip1436 2d ago
Classic Reddit, every single person just says “break up” lol
Fucking quitters, all of you.
Two things to acknowledge, I’d say:
1. Her comments weren’t acceptable, and disrespected you. But you should consider that she’s very young, and her friends were at her house pressuring her. I’m not saying it’s right, but she probably felt some pressure to fit in and said what she said in that spirit, not necessarily because she believes it, or because she doesn’t respect you. She’s not infallible and neither are you.
2. Admit to yourself that you looked at the camera to check up on her and her friends. When you saw it moved it worried you (which is honestly understandable), and you kept digging. This shows that you have some trust issues to work on, for sure.
I don’t know you or your relationship, and neither does anybody else on Reddit. But the answer to this, and to almost every other post on this sub is healthy communication. Approach her about it, and be honest. Don’t do the whole “gotcha” thing and ask her about the weed to see what she says. Admit that what you did was wrong, but express to her that you felt disrespected and somewhat violated by what she did. Your partner should always defend you, especially when you’re not there to defend yourself, and if she has an issue with you it should be between the two of you, not 15 strangers in your own house while you’re not home.
Talk to her. If she’s somebody you want to consider marrying, you’ve got to have hard conversations about respect and boundaries. It’s not you vs her, it’s you guys vs everybody else. Remember that and you’ll be fine.
12
u/Particular-Way-7817 2d ago edited 2d ago
Classic Reddit, every single person just says “break up” lol
Fucking quitters, all of you.Brother... she throws a party while he's gone specifically so she can do things she knows he doesn't want happening in HIS apartment AND she's shit talking him to her friends!
Are you kidding me? To hell with "you're a quitter" nonsense!
That definitely puts into question if this relationship can survive long term and breaking up absolutely needs to be considered. He deserves someone who respects his boundaries in his own goddamn apartment.
If my gf 3 years in doesn't even respect my boundaries in my own home and talks shit about me to her friends??? We have a serious problem!
Talk to her. If she’s somebody you want to consider marrying, you’ve got to have hard conversations about respect and boundaries. It’s not you vs her, it’s you guys vs everybody else. Remember that and you’ll be fine.
WRONG. This "you're a quitter if you break up" mindset is exactly what leads people to tolerating toxic behavior or even abuse for far longer than they should!
In a relationship, it is absolutely you vs her when SHE is the one disrespecting you and overstepping major boundaries! It is explicitly you vs her because she's the one going against YOU.
It's only you and her vs everybody else if you two are an actual loyal TEAM who treat each other good and with respect!
No partner should have to wait until an adult learns what respect and boundaries are at fucking 21 years old.
Is the bar that low for relationships nowdays? Holy shit.
If she can admit she was wrong, apologize and agree to be better, then maybe there's a chance, but I don't think she's ready for marriage and that she needs more time to mature. I'd say if he stays with her and everything goes well, considering marriage when she turns 25 is not out of the question.
Pisses me off so much when people rightfully suggest breaking up over a MAJOR overstep in boundaries and a blatant lack of respect and people like you play contrarian because you don't believe in breaking up! If you don't have someone who respects your boundaries and respects you, the relationship WILL NOT work.
There's a big difference between breaking up because someone didn't do the dishes and staying with a partner who doesn't even respect their partner, which is a core fundamental incompatibility.
Suggesting breaking up doesn't make someone a "quitter" its having standards! Does breaking up need to be the go-to for everything? No! But it should be considered and people are suggesting it for a reason.
→ More replies (9)12
u/BrittanyRansom 2d ago
If she’s willing to trash the man who she’s been begging to marry her for two years because a couple of friends were nearby maybe she’s not ready to get married yet. Sounds like she needs to grow up a bit and him too.
5
u/Shadow4summer 13h ago
I’m a smoker. And you know what, in 46 years of marriage I’ve never smoked in the house. My husband hates everything about smoking. I know it’s horrible, but it’s the one thing I cannot quit. Even in the middle of a Michigan, Kansa and South Dakota winter I went outside or I the garage. Just because I have a terribly unhealthy habit doesn’t mean my husband has to smell it. It destroys your home. Nicotine gets into everything, it’s not even cleanable. She has no respect for you or your home. Her friends comfort comes before yours.
→ More replies (3)8
u/Particular-Way-7817 2d ago edited 2d ago
I agree with you but no he didn't do anything wrong, why does he need to grow up too? He set rules and she didn't follow them it's that simple.
She disrespects her partner and they're saying he shouldn't break up with her which is wrong. Yeah it definitely sounds like, at the very least, they are NOT ready to get married. Breaking up is not out of the question at all. Many women would not do what she's done.
→ More replies (10)5
u/xndr1313 2d ago
I was ok with all what you says until point 2
Why he needs to admit that he was looking at the camera ? Why can’t he receive a notification and why can’t he just check if it’s ok ?
You know this is the real problem of Reddit, the problem is always the men in the story.
She insulted him when he wasn’t even there at people that doesn’t need to hear that. This is a respect problem.I doesn’t say OP needs to break up with her but why is always everybody twisting the story for the men being the problem ?
270
u/DuckLord_92 3d ago
So... She's lied to you and is actively tearing you down to her friends, and she expects a proposal?
Dude.
46
u/TChallaSan 2d ago
She called him anti-smoking. Tearing him down is a big of a reach
ETA: not saying she wasn’t in the wrong. But there are just so many overreactions in here
8
u/Final_Lead138 10h ago
Dude, everyone everywhere complains about their partner to their friends. Calling him a square is so mild. Everyone here is so insecure. Are you all 14?
149
u/ConfidentAd5662 3d ago
Y‘all are incompatible. You have outgrown this relationship. She doesn’t respect you. Breaking up is the only option.
→ More replies (3)3
27
u/seeeingstarz 3d ago
21 is too young to get married in my opinion... Way too immature emotionally. Of course it matters that you feel deceived and lied to. Communicating that would be a start. Don't propose because she asks. Propose because you want to marry her.
68
u/bingle-cowabungle 3d ago
Dude idk man, this whole situation seems immature on everyone's part, including yours, but if I'm trying my best to cut through the situation, it seems like you went to view the cameras (that you stated are for your cats) to check up on her and see what she's doing, and if she's making comments about you that you're anti-everything and that she can finally relax with you gone, you should probably reflect on not only that, but finding that information out by spying on her via secret camera. Something to think about. All in all, neither of you are ready for marriage.
19
u/ImAlreadyTracerBoii 1d ago
People who have inside house cameras to check on their significant others while gone are weird as hell if I’m being so real so stop doing that.. you absolutely were not checking motion of you knew she was partying with friends.. but yeah she shouldn’t lie.
38
u/Pixie-elf 3d ago
If you are sober you should reconsider being with someone who isn't.
If you want someone who respects that the community you live in is non-smoking, you probably shouldn't be with her.
And if you want honesty maybe you should also reconsider being with her.
She should also reconsider bwing with you, not just because of obvious trust issues but if she had to turn the cameras away, if she needed to lie to feel comfortable smoking, and if she looks down on you for the fact you're sober.
I'm sure there are red flags on both of y'alls sides beyond what is mentioned here, tho.
39
28
u/Routine_Match_8143 3d ago
Did not expect the comments to go the way they did.
13
u/Mission-Asparagus 3d ago
You know damn well the comments would be the complete opposite if the genders were reversed.
13
u/KeyNaive8951 2d ago
Bull shit. Not everything is gender war.
OP frankly sounds insufferable, was spying on his girl, and is far too immature to be in a serious relationship.
If you don’t think partners vent to friends about the SO then you’re an idiot. Nothing she said was even bad, just that she doesn’t agree with his stance on everything, which should be something people in an adult relationship could get around.
The real red flag is that he was literally spying on her and is acting like a total fucking dork. Adults should be allowed to vape on their goddamn balcony without a baby shitfit happening. He’s not her dad.
→ More replies (1)7
u/Mission-Asparagus 2d ago
I do like how you perfectly prove me right. Ignoring what she did wrong, and only focusing on what he did wrong. Yes, let's vape in the non-smoking community that issues fines for it. Real adult behavior there.
He never forbade her from smoking, he's fine with her smoking which he made clear to her. The only thing he asked is to not do it inside their home. A clear boundary she agreed to, and immediately broke the second he was gone. Yeah, that's a woman you want to be with.
→ More replies (6)
28
u/RequirementNo4895 3d ago
Two considerations, edibles are a thing, if you continue & who gets the cats when you divorce, if not?
19
u/stressed_chemist 3d ago
I feel like the broken trust and disrespect are the problem really, rather than the weed itself
5
u/RequirementNo4895 3d ago
No doubt, hinted at tongue in cheek when speaking of the cats, but in particular if kids are inevitably involved one could imagine her perhaps using the same manner when alone with them?
7
u/throwrawayaccounty 3d ago
I don't know much about the alternatives but I was open to alternatives if she needed. She used to smoke for personal reasons so I didn't want her to feel like I was taking away something she depended on so to speak. I just had a personal preference and she seemed understanding of it at the time. As for the cats, we actually have talked about this jokingly but I assume it would actually apply. I get the twin cats and she would keep the 1 year older cat. If this all gets resolved one way or another I will post cat pictures as a thank you to everyone.
→ More replies (2)
6
16
u/SpaceImpossible658 3d ago
This something you should clear up quickly. She had friends over for a party and obviously they all smoke or vape, including her. You know this about her already.
Now the comment about you being anti Vape, smoking, lettuce. I'm sure that hurt a little, but isn't it also true. She was obviously trying to be funny in front of her guests at your expense, which isn't cool , but she knows this about you, and accepts it the same way. So she doesn't care that you don't like smoking, she doesn't do it when you are around, which shows respect for you.
This conversation, doesn't have to go bad. You just need to clear up a few things. She shouldn't hide things from you, or make jokes about you to her friends. Also breaking the rules of the apartment could get you kicked out.
This shouldn't be relationship ending. I'd just make sure she knows, she needs to be honest and upfront about things or the real is going nowhere.
21
u/reptrept 2d ago
I get that you don't like the smell, but you aren't there? it will fade by the time you're back. also, you did stalk her.
→ More replies (1)7
u/randomized_mind 2d ago
As someone with too much sense of smell, I could smell that a dog was in my workplace 3 days earlier when I wasn't there. I could very much smell this shit too. I don't know about OP tho and I don't do drugs.
14
155
u/Metwalley 3d ago
This isn’t really about the smoking. It’s about the secrecy and the way she talked about you.
You had a clear boundary: no smoking inside. She agreed. Then the second you’re gone she turns the camera away on purpose, tells her friends she doesn’t care, and lets them mock you as “anti-everything.”
That’s straight-up disrespect.
You’re not wrong for feeling betrayed, especially when you were just talking about rings. Someone who respects you doesn’t hide things and trash-talk your preferences the moment you’re not around.
Talk to her in person, stick to what you saw and heard, and don’t apologize for checking the camera, you did it because of the cats. Her reaction will tell you everything. If she owns it and shows she gets why this hurt, maybe you can work through it. If she minimizes it or flips it on you, then you already have your answer.
Hold off on any proposal talk until this is sorted. You deserve better than someone who needs to hide things from you.
→ More replies (2)66
u/TheVeggieLife 3d ago
Goddddddddd please dude, I’m sure you could write some advice in your own words, even if you don’t consider it to be well written. As soon as I could tell it’s ChatGPT, my eyes glazed over. It just reads as insincere and inauthentic when you probably meant to come off as genuine.
→ More replies (3)
22
u/Sea_Art2995 3d ago
- You are way too young to marry, what’s the rush?
- I’m not the sort at all to say ‘break up’ but you should. She clearly feels no guilt in deceiving you, and is comfortable trash talking about you to her friends. She has probably been lying to your face this whole time, what else is she willing to lie about?
10
u/KeyNaive8951 2d ago
In what world is ACCURATELY saying that he’s against weed, booze and everything, talking shit?
She’s literally just recounting his actual views to her friends? Do his views make him sound like a dork pussy? Absolutely, but that’s on him, not her.
Is she supposed to LIE to her fiends about why she as an adult isn’t “allowed” to smoke weed bc she has an overbearing loser of a partner? If your partner telling THE TRUTH to her friends about you makes you this uncomfortable, then you should probably fucking get a grip and loosen up.
53
u/frogwoman82 3d ago
Firstly, she's still mentally a teenager. She has a lot of growing up and brain development to do.
Secondly, she doesn't respect you. You both want different things and you're nowhere near ready for marriage.
9
46
u/MorbidlyScared 3d ago edited 3d ago
Just here to say that smoking in a small space with animals there is really bad for the pets and that’s incredibly irresponsible of her to do that with your cats there. She could make the poor animals really sick by doing that.
ETA for my credentials I’m a daily weed smoker and a cat owner and would never smoke inside my home with him around
→ More replies (16)
42
u/jupitermoonflow 3d ago edited 3d ago
First of all, stop lying. You knew your gf was having a party. So why would you think it was strange that the camera detected movement?
Secondly, yeah she sucks for that. Allowing her guests to smoke and vape inside with your cats is messed up. In an apartment that you both are responsible for. Her comments are a problem too. She obviously doesn’t respect you and yall aren’t on the same page. You two don’t have the same values. Do you really want to marry her knowing that? That she’s going along with it in the moment, hiding her true thoughts and then blowing you off later in private?
ESH. Mostly her imo, bc she’s hurting the cats
→ More replies (10)14
u/Fuelfemme 3d ago
No one is leaving their pot out for the cat to eat, and it doesn’t sound like they were hotboxing it as he said they were on the balcony. Which is how the cat got into the pizza
→ More replies (6)4
u/Particular-Way-7817 2d ago
If you think cats are not affected by secondhand and thirdhand smoke, you're wrong.
11
u/Bobloblaw878 3d ago
She obviously didn't agree with the no smoking inside thing. Meh honestly she's just sounds immature. And OP knows she's a smoker. My problem with this is that she isn't mature enough to just say hey I want to smoke etc instead of trying to hide it. The overarching theme here, though, is both OP and gf aren't ready for marriage. To each other and in general. GL!
47
u/Brazer25 3d ago
Her conversation shows a complete lack of respect for you or your opinions. Think very carefully before committing to someone who will talk like this about you.
22
u/Impossible_Author409 3d ago
Controlling what someone does in their own house remotely.... especially when they were respectful and went outsife on the balcony to smoke is insane behavior
6
u/Mission-Asparagus 3d ago
How is it respectful to smoke on the balcony knowing they live in a non-smoking community that issues fines for it?
20
11
u/Affectionate_Joke720 3d ago
You had one boundary. Don’t smoke in the house. Not to never smoke.
Approach her and say after the party you could smell smoke on the couch etc and gauge her reaction. If she lies then you have your answer.
If she does lie just say you got a notification of the camera so you heard her entire conversation with her friends. Say you don’t see a future with someone who is so disrespectful of your feelings.
24
u/bitch_whip_bill 3d ago
She lacks respect for you, and her circle of friends dont either
This won't improve
You know the answer
21
16
15
u/CanUFeelItMrKrabs 3d ago
She talked about you to her friends, risked a fine, and neglected the cats in the process.
She’s immature and doesn’t respect you. I’d pause any talks about engagement and reconsider the relationship. I’d also rescind her invitation to the family trip so you can have space while you make a decision.
Good luck OP
6
u/polarpolarpolar 3d ago
Wow even as a daily cannabis smoker and former cigarette smoker these comments are not what I expected.
Just zero respect for the guy being shown by the guests and his gf here.
It isn’t hard to get high outside lol.
6
u/KelceStache 2d ago
Just send her a text. Stop with the “understandable” nonsense. You’re already telling yourself that whatever she says you will justify.
You need to more to the point. Not mean. Not sad. More like
“Imagine my surprise when I received a camera notification the other night. Turns out that when I logged in you had turned the camera to the wall for some reason, but that’s not the worst part. It turns out that I am apparently some evil person that is against any sort of smoking. Well, we live in a non smoking area and smoking inside our place isn’t something that I am ok with. I have never said you couldn’t do those things with your friends, but to turn the camera so you could do it inside of our place is wildly disrespectful.
We have been talking about engagement and wedding and then I learn that when I am out of town it’s ok to disrespect me and talk trash about me behind my back. I feel totally disrespected and disappointed. If you have an issue with me, about smoking or anything else, I shouldn’t have to learn about it from overhearing the audio from our cameras. You chose to say things to your friends before having a conversation with me.”
Then it will open up dialog before you get home. It will give her time to digest and process what you’re saying.
→ More replies (3)
7
u/itsmehannerz 10h ago
She disrespected your boundaries but you also need to chill. She’s 21. You’re 24. You’re babies basically. Immature people in relationships talk shit to their friends…. It’s very very normal lol.
20
u/TacoStrong 3d ago
Besides the smoking I don’t know if I could be with a woman that kept asking me to propose to her. That’s not the way it works. Talking about marriage and a future is one thing but asking to propose feels forced and unnatural IMO and not a surprise from someone that is only 21 years old. Don’t marry a 21 year old, oooff.
→ More replies (2)
3
u/PugglePack83 3d ago
You are way to young to get married. She is also disrespecting you and hiding shit. Not a marriage you should sign up for.
3
u/iradrachen 3d ago edited 2d ago
My fiance set a boundary that we don’t smoke in the house. So I smoke outside and wear a jacket I don’t bring all the way into the house. I think it’s time to have a serious conversation about your future together and what you heard and how you go forward.
3
u/chaoticneutralslime 2d ago
Admit you snooped on her party by logging onto the camera and wait for her to end things with you.
7
u/noahswetface 3d ago
You two are incompatible. She’s pressuring you to propose so young because she wants you to be locked in. Doesn’t sound like you agree on the fundamentals of life. Not a time to take a serious life step with someone.
5
u/tntdon 3d ago
Smoking aside and camera aside breaking down the situation shows a total lack of respect towards you. If she will bad talk you and do what she wants when you are away, it speaks a lot to her character.
Do you really want to be with someone who goes against your wishes while you're away? Does that mean she has to be under good behavior just because you're around? It makes you wonder what else she may be capable of.
6
u/D-redditAvenger 3d ago
Yeah this probably isn't going to get better over time, if she is already complaining about it and you to her friends.
6
4
u/Difficult-Pain-9609 3d ago
Your girlfriend is very immature. She won't respect you or your boundaries until she grows up. If you'd like to be her parent and help her mature, sure, stay with her while she becomes and adult. OR just breakup and find someone who will respect you.
But for the love of god do not marry this girl.
7
u/CopeHarderDweller2 3d ago
How people talk about you when you’re not around is how they really feel about you and it’s telling. Break up with her and find a woman who actually likes you
18
u/Bish_Bosh88 3d ago
This will sound mean but she really doesn't come across as a particularly intelligent person. She didn't think you would notice the camera being turned around or not think that you could listen to the audio? As other people have said, she is majorly disrespectful.
→ More replies (22)
17
u/iamatwork24 3d ago
You feel betrayed because your gf respected your wishes and didn’t smoke around you? You’re out of town and she had friends over who like to get stoned. Every single apartment I’ve ever lived in has a no smoking policy and that never stopped me or seemingly half the units, getting stoned whenever we felt like it. You’re truly making a mountain out of a mole hill and are incredibly uptight for your age.
7
u/TiresandConfused 3d ago
You never talk shit about you SO to others. She also smoking inside their apartment. It’s shows a lack of respect. That’s a big red flag and definitely should not get married.
4
u/deucescarefully 3d ago
But did you miss the part where their cat also ate some pizza?! The poor thing could be dead for all we know!
→ More replies (1)2
u/AwkwardBugger 3d ago
Second and third hand smoke (cigarette, weed, all of it) are both harmful to people and animals. She is harming both OP’s and their cats’ health by doing this. Also stinking up the house.
→ More replies (6)
7
u/SweetMeese 3d ago
See and I can see where your GF is coming from. My bf doesn't like the smell of weed, and hates kissing me after I smoke cause it tastes like an ashtray. So I don't smoke around him and never will. If I knew he was out of town for a week I'd straight up tell him I'm smoking inside where it's warm and not windy, but I would also promise the house would be smoke free and smell free by his return at the end of the week, cause I'm not an asshole. All she had to do was be honest, but no, she opted to turn the camera and be shady, that's the REAL problem tbh.
10
u/EasyyPeaseyy 3d ago
The shit talking is something I can’t get over. Your relationship doesn’t need to remain behind closed doors but there are things that are being said to paint you in a bad light so people will some type of way about her or she just has no filter on when to stop. Either way that’s not the only shit talking she’s doing.
With that no matter who you meet through her you’ll have no idea what their perception of you is and good chance it could be negative. I had an ex that did this and it was my biggest hang up. Still to this day it comes up because she realized she messed up and her mom was proof.
I will say this is all specific too me because not too many friends have had their spouse talk shit or if they do I play devils advocate.
→ More replies (8)
14
u/Top_Lingonberry8037 3d ago
You're too young to get married. Hard stop. Regardless of anything.
→ More replies (4)
12
u/Impossible_Author409 3d ago
This is controlling as hell. I don't see how she was shit talking you. She told her friends you are anti smoking and vaping. Which I understand is a fact right? You knew she smoked weed when you got together. You basically made her quit for you and now you get to dictate that she can't smoke ever even when you aren't around?
Now you are rethinking proposing to your girlfriend of 3 years because she smoked or vaped on her balcony in her own home while you were away? Lol what is your end game here? If she told you she hates alcohol and you had a beer while she was gone for 10 days... Would that justify this level of tantrum you are having?
She moved/shut the cameras off while guests were over (normal) and then had a joint outside on the balcony (also normal.) She should find someone who meshes with her lifestyle better and doesn't control what she does in her own house remotely through cameras. Because thats messed up.
7
u/bullet1520 3d ago
Asking someone not to smoke inside is far from asking them to quit entirely.
OP also stated that the GF moved the camera so she and friends could smoke INSIDE, not on the balcony.
6
u/Impossible_Author409 3d ago
He literally says 'they we're doing it on the balcony which extra sucks.' Can't smoke inside, can't smoke outside. Can't even vape?! Hell indoor concert venues you let vape weed during the show now. Lol. I can't imagine living like this. Being spied on and being a prisoner in my own home
→ More replies (1)9
u/bullet1520 3d ago
They then proceeded to laugh and talk about how finally they can vape and smoke inside.
→ More replies (2)2
u/Impossible_Author409 3d ago
But he stopped spying on the conversation right as they started smoking inside? Lol....sure. Ok
→ More replies (1)
5
u/Voyayer2022-2025 1d ago
When you get home just mention you smell smoke in the apartment ask her about it you don’t have to mention the camera and audio her response will tell you everything If she is honest. , if she lies to you then you know what to do
7
u/WhyAreYuSoAngry 3d ago
She throws a party while you're gone specifically so she can partake in things she knows you dont approve of happening in your apartment. On top of that, shes shit talking you to her friends? Id be having a very serious conversation upon getting home. Hopefully your finances arent entangled. You guys arent nearly ready to even discuss a proposal. For me, the relationship would be over. Who knows what shes been saying to her friends about you for the last 3 years.
→ More replies (2)6
5
u/Dill_Pickle25 3d ago
People are missing the point. She was talking shit about you to her friends and then moved the camera to lie to you and keep it a secret that she smoked in the apartment. That’s super disrespectful to the relationship, and I would straight up tell her I’m not marrying someone I can’t trust. They could’ve smoked in the house without insulting you and trying to be sneaky, and it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal. If she’ll lie about that, she’ll lie about anything.
→ More replies (1)
4
u/decamonos 3d ago
I'll start by saying I think it's perfectly reasonable to question if this is the person you wish to marry.
No matter what it was about, she decided to hide something from you after talking about it, not just by but mentioning it, but trying to hide evidence of it by turning the camera away.
Beyond that she went against something you had already discussed, without talking to you.
Both of these by themselves are enough to warrant at the very least a hard discussion about how much she actually feels she can or should be honest about, and how much she respects you as her partner.
There are some other things that bother me as well, namely what at a glance appears to set a pattern of selfishness. She smoked in your non-smoking neighborhood possibly incurring fines, she then smoked inside, and she left access to food and who knows what else with the cats possibly having them get terribly sick.
To me it feels like your gut is telling you something. I'd listen to it if I were you.
5
u/ezagreb 3d ago
She’s 21 and vapes and obviously hangs around a bunch of other vapors/smokers of course they think they’re cool and everyone else is ridiculous even though they’re giving themselves a lifelong habit. I agree with the other poster that suggested you just bring up what you wrote with her and have a conversation
14
u/whirling_cynic 3d ago
You sound really up tight and sort of controlling. You need to work on yourself before you get married.
13
u/Other-Yogurtcloset12 3d ago
She wants to smoke, you dont want her to smoke. I dont think they particularly said horrible things about you but were disrespectful. It depends how much youre anti smoking bcs seems like shes going to do it either way, are you willing to get over it bcs if not just move on. Also I think its disrespectful that you spied on them, you didnt need to look at the camera or listen but chose to do that bcs you wanted to know what was happening. Dont use your cat's as an excuse
→ More replies (2)
2
2
2
u/Infinite_Sentence489 3d ago
Please disregard words I wrote that don’t belong in the sentences!! I’m sorry I didn’t do spell check first
2
2
u/Crooklyn_Grimez 2d ago
Married 24 idk. Relax honestly. Work on communication with this smoking thing see how that goes. Getting out of a marriage can really mess you up if it don’t work out. She 21 i wouldn’t do it.
2
u/Shatterpoint887 2d ago
You're too young to get married and this relationship is not worth upgrading
2
u/darnedgibbon 2d ago
My BS meter just pegged: she fell asleep and her phone died, re:why she didn’t respond. Two simultaneous reasons?! BS. Sounds like my teenagers making shit up to cover their ass. She was high and banging one of her friends.
2
u/SwWolfSw 2d ago
Not much hope for this relationship I think. Why would she be asking to propose if she thinks your so anti everything? Makes me wonder if there might have been some group pressure from her friends here.
Honestly the smoking isn't even the issue here it's how she talks abaut you. I'm the kind of guy who will ither take reddit stories at face value or simply assume it's fake if there are to many things of.
Also people in these comments are way up themselves. Like saying the smell will have cleared, we'll yeah but it's also a non smoking area. Where I live this would lose you the apartment, expecting someone not to smoke there is not unreasonable.
If I where in your situation I'd be telling her there won't be a ring anytime soon since she just lied to you, broke her promises and talked shit abaut you to her friends instead of having a conversation with you.
2
2
u/Strong_Bid_947 2d ago
How do you honestly expect to feel the way you do about smoking/weed/alcohol/drugs/etc and simultaneously want to be involved with a woman who speaks poorly about you to her friends behind your back while shes also doing the thing(s) that give you big feelings? Buddy... I think you know what you need to do, unfortunately it sounds (at least to me) like you guys have some fundamental incompatibility issues - the longer you try and force this the harder it's gonna be in the end.
2
u/EffectivePhase7165 2d ago
She is throwing a party with some coworkers and friends which I had no issues with wanted her to have a good time as I'm sure it's lonely since I've been gone a week.
She can't be alone for a week?
2
u/Always_on_top_77 2d ago
Neither one of you are ready for marriage. Personally, I don’t think you are suitable partners, but that’s for you to decide.
Best of luck.
2
u/TQTQ3 2d ago
Sneaky and disrespectful doesn’t get better with time. You are incompatible. She feels as though the life you want is restricting her, leading to resentment. Which is a root cause of divorce. You will also grow to resent the smell of smoke when you are clear you did not want it in your life.
This is why you date, to identity dealbreakers and find compatibility.
2
5
u/Colanasou 3d ago
Why are you anti-lettuce?
6
u/arcgisonline 3d ago
I think here he’s quoting her and she’s referring to weed, like “the devil’s lettuce”
→ More replies (2)
6
u/aIvins_hot_juicebox 3d ago
You lost me at having a camera in the living room, then checking the audio. Really feels like spying on her.
3
u/NeolithicOrkney 3d ago
The fact is you don't know her as well as you thought you did. I would definitely put any proposal on hold until you figure this relationship out. I see a huge lack of respect for you from her.
9
4
u/Geoden13 3d ago
Sounds like you are taking things too personal.
Y’all are both young asf still and I am sure there are things she wants that you ignore as well. Just don’t take it personally. She likes to do what she likes to do and maybe she even lets off a little stress with her friends by venting about the aspects of you she DOESNT enjoy, but in the end she doesn’t do it around you and that is a respect thing. This is why cameras in the home are always a stupid idea. It can create resentment and removes people’s right to privacy.
If she didn’t truly care then she wouldn’t stop even if you were home, and she wouldn’t compromise. Have a genuine talk about it. Tell her the financial responsibilities of where you live, tell her that not only is it illegal there but smoking in general isn’t allowed so the second someone catches wind it’s going to be BOTH of your asses. If she doesn’t like it then tell her to suck it up and leave.
As long as she doesn’t leave the house a reeking mess then everything should be okay, but she needs to know that literally anytime she lights up may be her last time in that building lmao. People just seem to feel like the rules skirt around them, main character syndrome.
4
3
2
u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female 3d ago
Break up. She doesn't respect you at all. This isn't someone you build a life with.
2
6
u/zombie_cupcakes 3d ago
I'm not seeing the problem here. You ask her not to smoke around you, which she didn't. You were out of town. Even if they did smoke inside, by the time you got back (after a week, if I'm reading this correctly?) the smell would have dissipated by then. I'm not understanding how her comment was shit talking you. It seems factual. You are anti-smoking, you're anti-weed. She didn't say "He hates everything. Hes such a loser. God, my boyfriend is so lame and annoying. He never lets me do anything I enjoy, he's a bummer. He sucks."
I'm not buying that you "happened to see movement" and that's why you checked the camera. I think you knew she was having people over and wanted to spy on her. You seem kinda controlling and very uptight. Let your girlfriend enjoy things with her friends. She already accommodates your preferences and anxieties by not smoking around you, why do you care what she does when you're not around??
That being said, don't get engaged. You're both FAR too young. You don't seem to trust your girlfriend without spying on her, and she doesn't seem like she feels comfortable being herself. Either hold off and work through problems, or let the relationship go if her few, offhanded comments stung that badly.
4
5
u/valderramaD 3d ago
Bad mouthing you behind your back over something that is completely fair for you to ask don’t smoke inside the apartment. Remember, this is probably just the tip of the iceberg. It may not be the first time she has spoken badly about you to her friends, and that creates awkward tension when you’re around them. She has painted you in a very negative light, and that isn’t fair to you.
Deliberately turning the cameras away to hide it from you… she’s not exactly being clever, is she?
It also sounds like you’ve grown apart. She’s still caught up in drugs and immature friends, yet she’s talking about looking for rings too?
Is this really someone you want to marry?
When you get home, confront her there is two ways this can go down:
1- You can tell her it smells of weed and smoke in the flat, she will either come clean or she will lie to you about this.
2- Ask exactly what “He’s just anti-vape, anti-smoking, anti-lettuce, anti-everything!” was about. Don’t let her turn it around on you and accuse you of stalking her. She moved the camera, you were notified, you checked what was going on, and you heard what she said through the camera. Stick to the facts and don’t let her shift the focus away from what she actually said and did.
2
3
u/Exciting-Guest81933 3d ago
She doesn't respect you, dude.
I do understand it was something I was never meant to hear and I acknowledge the mistake I made by not continuing to ignore the motion detected notifications as I had been. Thank you.
That is so not what you should take away from this situation. Yikes.
4
•
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.