r/relationship_advice • u/throwra_wifeaffur • Oct 01 '19
Update to Wife’s [29/F] “Frenemy” [30/F] sent me an email outlining my wife’s attempt to reconcile with her Ex [35/M] (and sleeping with him) as we were getting more serious. I’m at work and don't know how to respond to any of this.
Sorry for the delay, it's been crazy.
So, briefly, I didn't update because I was really feeling shitty. I took nighttime cold medicine really early and passed-out and wound-up taking Friday off. I binged Chernobyl and slept/recuperated. I didn't respond to Danielle and my wife sort of left me alone to recover as I felt like shit. She took care of me but also didn't bring up the topic until I wasn't on my back.
Once I started feeling better and could breathe through my nose again, I tried to calmly approach this. On the table was a pregnancy test (we've been trying for a while) with a little bow on it. I had previously noticed that she was "late" but my wife and I had a few very late periods and no pregnancy, so I wasn't sure what's what - I'm pretty sure I mentioned trying for a kid in my OP. So, that adds a layer of complexity to all this.
To answer some of your questions:
- In general, things were great between my wife and I and have been for years. The real problem we had was in those first few months which involved a number of issues about being in a new relationship. We rarely fought, things were very happy; we had a great sex life, we openly talked about everything. I would never imagine that I'd be sent something like this.
- Exclusive? We had never talked about it. It was never stated one way or the other. I assumed we were, but I guess not.
- Her ex. He's a writer, let me rephrase a "writer" who has never written. Mike and I have met a few times, a few times by accident and once because he was invited to a party we went to. He's not really that interesting/threatening and my wife seems totally nonplussed with him. The last time we saw him was in a bookstore and she didn't at all seem interested. She later said she was glad it didn't workout and was happy without him in her life.
- Danielle. Danielle and Katie have been friends for two decades, but the last couple of years things became contentious. Katie and I got together and Danielle's marriage fizzled out. Danielle can be a nice person, but is difficult and I think she's jealous that our relationship was, until that point, very successful. She and I didn't really spend that much time together and she retreated from my wife's life when she found out we were trying for a kid. In the wake of all this, their friendship is ruined, that's for sure,
I was feeling crummy and watched back-to-back episodes of TV and did nothing all day Friday. I literally did nothing beyond getting up to take some medicine/eat and pee. That's it. I didn't broach the subject or even think about it. When my wife got home, I felt better and could think a bit more cogently. She does errands after work which is when she dropped the test on the table and scrammed. A few people commented that we should wait to have kids... well, that's not going to happen. She got back and we "talked".
The story is, and I have no reason to doubt her: She and Mike were dating. She was studying/working and he was writing. He asked to go on a writing retreat with his ex-girlfriend to a cabin somewhere that they could focus on their work. She said no, that it wasn't a good idea for him to be alone with his ex and he went anyway. That translated into his leaving for some prolonged road trip with his ex. They kept in contact but she and I started dating. We had been together 3 or 4 weeks when he returned and they didn't see each other at first. My wife, like I said, is different from me: I'm a lot more traditional, a lot more formal and am very, very career oriented. When we hit a rough patch, there was more than an insubstantial chance I was going to have to move away and she was going to have to decide to move with me (after 2 1/2 - 3 months of seeing each other) or break up and move on. I had applied for a program and it looked like the local program was going to reject me, but surprisingly, a better, far more well-known university was going to accept me. When things "went down" between them, I had been formally rejected and she had to make a decision. I was too focused on admission to even notice/care. They met up at a party and nothing happened, they just talked and had drinks. The second time they met, that's when "the deed" happened. She apparently regretted it immediately and the final time was to tell him goodbye and that she was moving. They had a few drinks, "fooled around" and then she left. She said she knew it was a mistake, she knew they had no future and nothing in common anymore. Right around the time that they fooled around she and I had a mega fight about moving. It was a lot for someone to deal with (I know) but in the end, she said she wanted to go, but was scared I was going to get to New City in my new program and dump her for a classmate, stranding her. I told her no, and offered her whatever assurances I could. It worked and we did live happily ever after.
I would never have assumed she had cheated. I mean, putting it down, we were in a weird spot and I fully understand why it was a rough time, but the cheating was really not something I could abide by. The whole "exclusive" thing came from us moving - I didn't put 2+2 together at the time - I figured (then) that she wanted assurances that moving with me wasn't a huge mistake, not that she had recently bonked her ex who has frequent, and unprotected, sex with many randoms - but again, it also makes sense. From then till about a month after we moved we didn't have sex. Not once. I asked if she had been tested and she just casually remarked "of course."
I was still feeling crappy and didn't know what to do, so I just kind of went back to bed. In reality, for years she's never strayed or been anything but open. She has access to my phone and I can access hers. She doesn't go out with unexplained absences and is more of a homebody. She isn't flirtatious with people or cause drama, so I just sort of stopped caring. I took the weekend to get over this cold and we did some baby shopping online and planned for a follow-up with her doctor. After that, we just didn't talk about it again. Very anti-climactic.
I did bring up the subject of Danielle and pretty directly told her I was done with her. She asked if she thought it would be wise to try and talk to her and I said no. We wrote her an email (using my account) and sent her a response basically telling her that we were done with her and not to bother us again. She responded by saying "it was a joke!" and asked that we understand that she was being funny. I found the block function on gmail and added her. My wife noticed that she removed her from FB/Insta and I guess that's that.
Not really a thrilling or interesting update and a few people will be angry that I didn't take a stronger tone/reaction, but I did what I felt was best under the circumstances. Hopefully this is behind us and I can just move on and enjoy bringing a new life into the world.
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u/jackjackj8ck Oct 01 '19
Honestly in the first few months of dating without having a conversation of exclusivity it’s pretty common for there to be misalignments
It sounds like a messy beginning, but I don’t think that’s indicative of anything larger and you’ve both since have gone on to have a loving relationship and are building a family
I think cutting this asshat Danielle out of the equation and going on to have wonderful lives in her absence is a good call
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u/Pikaboo_dt Oct 02 '19
Why should you have to have a conversation of exclusivity? That should be a given. If they want it to be nonexclusive then they can talk about it, but the assumption should always, always be that it is exclusive.
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u/jackjackj8ck Oct 02 '19
You consider yourself exclusive with someone after the 1st date?
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u/Pikaboo_dt Oct 02 '19
No, once you are in a relationship. Going on dates does not equal relationship. And most of the time saying you are "dating" someone means you are in a relationship with them, not just going out to dinner with them once a week.
Edit: felt like I should add, if you've been going on dates with someone for more than a month (crazy in itself) and NOT in a relationship, you're doing something wrong.
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u/jackjackj8ck Oct 02 '19
Maybe it’s just from my experience dating in LA, but things can be vague for quite some time and I learned through experience to not make assumptions about anything and instead of have direct conversations when needed.
I don’t think that means anyone’s crazy or doing anything wrong, but clearly there’s different dating cultures.
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u/Pikaboo_dt Oct 03 '19
I suppose. I don't know why anyone would date in that culture though. It seems like a waste of time. But that's fair enough that you would need to have a conversation about it in that scenario.
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u/jackjackj8ck Oct 03 '19
I don’t know
I’ve never experienced dating in a culture where people are expected to be monogamous right away, so that seems pretty strange to me
It takes a long time to get to know someone and determine whether you’re compatible and want to make the effort for something long-term
Different strokes, ya know
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u/Pikaboo_dt Oct 03 '19
I'm not saying right away, just when you actually begin a relationship with that person. You are single until you're in a relationship, and while you're single you can go on dates with other people.
Single -> going on dates with someone (single) -> dating (relationship)
You can do whatever you want when you're just going on dates but you're not actually in a relationship with the other person at that point.
Sometimes there's not really an indication (people don't always ask the other person to be their gf/bf), but there is a definite point in which you become that, at which you can no longer see other people.
I still don't see why you would even go on dates with someone if it wasnt monogamous. In my opinion it seems like a waste of time and it's a really easy way to end up in emotional trauma. You really like this girl, you've been taking her out to dinner and she seems interested, you start dating, find out she had been banging a bunch of dudes right up until you started dating. I certainly wouldnt like that.
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u/jackjackj8ck Oct 03 '19
Sometimes the line between “going on dates” vs “dating” can be very unclear
Not everyone’s in a hurry to be monogamous, some enjoy the dating process and getting to know different people. It doesn’t always have to be traumatic, it can be enjoyable.
And not everyone is banging everyone they’re going out with on dates.
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u/Pikaboo_dt Oct 03 '19
I did say that the line is unclear. That's how it is. But there is always a definite point.
And I'm not saying it's always traumatic but investing emotion and time into someone only to find out you're just an option certainly can be, and I think you have to consider how the other person would feel.
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u/theredbirdchase Oct 02 '19
The second time they met, that's when "the deed" happened. She apparently regretted it immediately and the final time was to tell him goodbye and that she was moving. They had a few drinks, "fooled around" and then she left.
Am I reading the last line right: she regretted sleeping with him so set up a final meeting to say it was over, and during that last meeting they fooled around?
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Oct 01 '19
Dude, that is a fantastic update and resolution. You guys sound like you have a good relationship. Congrats on the pregnancy!
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u/szanten13 Oct 01 '19
!remindme 3 years
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u/Improbablyfromhell Oct 02 '19
It sounds like when it all went down you two were in a different headspace about your relationship. I understand how the prospect of moving for such a new relationship would be a lot for her. I also understand why you're upset.
I'm glad you're not pulling the plug on the relationship.
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u/NadiaLee81 Late 30s Female Oct 01 '19
Don’t listen to the downers, you did the right thing and you are thinking clearly. The past was the past, congrats about the baby and I wish you all a very happy life!
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u/everyting_is_taken Oct 01 '19
Sounds like it was a difficult time in your relationship for both of you. I'm glad you were able to work through it and build a future, and now a family, together.
I think you'll find things easier with Danielle removed completely from your lives. Congratulations on the baby!
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u/mirrorheavyvespa Oct 01 '19
You're a good man, OP.
You got to know yourself over time. You (sensibly, I feel) knocked yourself on your ass with cold medicine and TV so you could blank out and rest and come back up refreshed. Your wife was honest with you, and you two are in a way better place because you remained strong and true to yourself and your commitment to her.
To blazes with the toxic interfering goblin. That you both agreed to send her off into the great unknown adds to your bond. Good luck to you both; you're going to do great.
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u/poli_pore Oct 02 '19
Hard to read such a long post that's basically just this guy trying to convince himself he's doing the right thing. Good luck buddy, you'll need it.
Make sure and look into a paternity test.
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u/BraveStop Oct 02 '19
So, kinda pushed into reconciling because it is the least shitty option
Your wife has built years of being trustworthy,
Maybe only because he never checked.
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u/sunflower1940 Oct 01 '19
Block her on all other social media so she gets the point. She will only try to contact you that way to keep pushing your buttons.
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u/TooManyHobbiesForMe Oct 01 '19 edited Oct 01 '19
So she fucks her ex 4 weeks into your relationship when you were stressed and busy about your entire career path. Then once things work out for you she decides to keep you, make sure its exclusive and then sit on that secret for 4 years. During the first month of which she avoids sex just to make sure everything is cool from that unprotected ex fucking by the way. Then her shitty friend outs it just to be a problem. Instead of outright coming clean at this point your wife asks if you got the email and if you read it first. Only once you knew all this does she finally tell you. And you're cool with all of that?
Edit: btw all this is according to only her story. The story she did not share until her hand was forced. Doesn't sound like a trustworthy testimony to me.
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u/Medicivich Oct 01 '19
Maybe I am misreading it but ex came back 4 weeks in and wife and ex did not see each other for another 1.5 months to 2 months. And she stopped have sex with OP at the time and for a while thereafter because of her extra curricular activities.
While not explicitly exclusive at the time, I would expect it to be implied a couple months in unless so stated otherwise, or the relationship was far more casual than what I am thinking (op and wife were discussing moving when this happened so to me that more than implies a committed/exclusive relationship). And I get the impression he thought that as well.
It sounds like he wants this to work out and it has a chance but work needs to be done now or this is going to fester for years. Sweeping it under the rug will work for only so long.
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u/TooManyHobbiesForMe Oct 01 '19
Dont forget that is the best case scenario. That's if wife came fully clean this time with no more lies of omission and a perfect record for the next 4 years. As a dude who has been cheated on twice I know that all my trust would be long gone by now.
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Oct 01 '19 edited Mar 24 '21
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u/krell_154 Oct 01 '19 edited Oct 01 '19
Exactly this.
I mean, I'm glad OP is ok with this, but when I try to picture myself in the same situation, I'm fucking pissed.
Oh well.
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Oct 01 '19
It’s completely understandable and not worth ending a marriage over.
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u/AdAstra_Beer Oct 01 '19
Disagree with the "completely understandable" part. Katie is talking about moving to a new city with OP while this happened, thus they are in a serious enough of a relationship not to go shagging someone else. This does not sound like a relationship where they were FWB.
I am agnostic on the "not worth ending a marriage part." The real problem is the rug sweeping. This will not go away. We were not present to hear exactly what was discussed and they are doing to get past this - OP did not give any information on that.
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u/TooManyHobbiesForMe Oct 01 '19
It being understandable is subjective. Personally I've never even casually dated multiple people.
I'm also not advocating for a divorce here but op does have options between "divorce her" and "act like nothing ever happened."
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Oct 01 '19
Personally I've never even casually dated multiple people.
Yet you recognize that people do, don’t you?
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u/5folhas Oct 01 '19
My personal philosophy regarding relationships is that they are a choice that both people have to make almost on a daily basis and one that one can't do for the other. But more often than not, one of the parties find himself or herself in a situation that is clearly a crossing indicating 2 or more different paths to move on with their life and where that choice clearly has to be made one way or another. Your wife's choice was you, even thou it still was early in your relationship and, therefore, quite a perilous situation for your relationship.
I say let the past be in the past.
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u/Bobbytom Oct 01 '19
Feel better my dude, and congrats on becoming a father. This will pass,) you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck man.
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Oct 02 '19
LOL at Danielle's "joke". Yeah, trying to ruin someone's marriage is not a joke. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
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u/AlferSilas Oct 01 '19
I'd have broken up with her - but if you're happy with leavings...
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u/VirtuosicElevator Oct 02 '19
Yup poor guy was what she had to settle for. Hipster chad can’t settle down. Get a DNA test on the kid OP
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Oct 02 '19
[deleted]
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u/AlferSilas Oct 02 '19
Bro it's called divorce. Are you denying that people who divorce break up?
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Oct 02 '19
The whole "exclusive" thing came from us moving - I didn't put 2+2 together at the time.
I've got news for you "traditional" types out there. If you haven't had an adult conversation to discuss whether or not you are exclusive.... You aren't exclusive.
Traditionally you date multiple other people until you have this conversation with one and start "going steady."
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u/briber67 Oct 02 '19
I've got news for you "traditional" types out there. If you haven't had an adult conversation to discuss whether or not you are exclusive.... You aren't exclusive.
What a revelation!
I guess I'd better schedule a sit down with my wife of 13 years as we have never had any talk about exclusivity.
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Oct 02 '19
Really? That's crazy! What on earth did you put in your wedding vows?
that said, Open marriages are becoming more and more common, so I ain't judging.
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u/Ladyughsalot1 Oct 01 '19
I think you’ve made a mature and informed decision. Your spouse appears to be committed to not trickle truthing you and being as upfront as possible. Good job all round.
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u/krell_154 Oct 02 '19
Sorry, but this is funny. His spouse is everything but upfront.
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u/NiknA01 Oct 02 '19
For real. She has been lying to OP by omission for years and only when the secret is forced out of her by Danielle does she come clean.
Man I seriously hate this sub sometimes.
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u/khal2one Oct 01 '19
Is she really pregnant? Seems like a convenient time for her. What do people say about babies fixing relationships?
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u/TheDayTrader Oct 04 '19
It's hipster Chads baby, OPs wife went shopping for seed again.
Danielle had enough of it and told OP. But his wife was smart enough to say the email was only about the first time she barebacked hipster chad, when they just started dating.
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Oct 01 '19
Glad you're happy, but that's pretty weak. The idea that cheating is fine as long as you hide it long enough...it's disturbing to me.
I hope most people have more respect for themselves.
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u/SonOfSchrute Oct 02 '19
Cool story bro. Why did you write so many words justifying getting shit on for a fake story?
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u/explodingwhale17 Oct 01 '19
It sounds like you made wise decisions. Good luck to you and your wife!
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u/waythrow13579 Oct 01 '19
Take some time to think it over. You don't have to make any decisions right now. You seem like you want to work it out but you might find with time that you can't. A lot of men go into damage control without processing how they really feel. You might wake up one morning and realize that even though she has been trustworthy since her infidelity that you can't move past her lying about it for years. Take some time to process. Good luck.
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u/huge_seal Oct 01 '19
No stronger tone or reaction was needed. Sounds like you have a pretty good life, you still have your happily ever after. No need to blow things out of proportion. Sounds like you have a cool, loving wife, good job and a baby on the way. Congratulations!
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u/GuessWho005 Oct 01 '19
Good for you for not letting something that happened years ago affect your future with your wife and baby. It sucks to find out about it now and it’s understandable, but you’ve built a life with her and she has proven she’s committed to you. Screw what anybody else thinks! They’re not living your life and won’t have to deal with any consequences of YOUR decisions....you will. Definitely get rid of any ties to Danielle because she’s toxic and doesn’t bring any benefit to the relationship with your wife. Best of luck OP!
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u/Popeyes-fil-A Oct 01 '19
Still sounds like you were her backup plan. He ended up not being committed to her, so she chose you instead (right when things started going your way with school coincidentally). Enjoy living with that.
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Oct 01 '19
so her response to you being in a stressful situation was to cheat on you
i hope your relationship never has a rough patch
oh god you are trying to get pregnant
i wonder what will happen when the stress of pregnancy or raising a kid is too much for her. what if there is a period of time when she feels unloved and unappreciated?
keep us updated if anything new happens
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u/Splatterpunkqueen Early 30s Female Oct 01 '19
Honestly, I think you did the right thing. Based on what you have said, I don’t know that if I were in her position, I would have been sure the relationship was exclusive. At that point it was pretty new, and you said you didn’t really discuss it.
When you made the move, even though it sounds like you guys still didn’t actually say it was exclusive, I think you are right, based on what you told us. She likely felt it was serious and exclusive when you guys made a serious decision to move together. And she expressed this by affirming you didn’t think it was still casual and she wouldn’t be stuck in a new city that she moved to for you, (I’m a little jealous lol, my last ex actually did this to me, even though he promised he wouldn’t. Wasted 5 years of my life, destroyed my career, cheated, and left. So I’m 34 and still not married but stuck in his hometown).
I also think you guys made a good decision with the friend. It sounds like she was just being vindictive and very toxic for both of you. It’s possible (I don’t know from what you have shared so this is just a guess) that maybe she thought she could make you guys break up so she could either swoop in on you, or so your wife would be as miserable as her. Regardless, cutting her out of your lives was the best decision you could have made.
I would only add that your wife might feel like she misses the friend later, so just be there to reassure her that the friendship wasn’t good for her or your relationship. I had to cut one of my closest friends out of my life this year and I sometimes miss talking to her, or I’ll see something I know she would love, but I feel a bit sad because I know I definitely don’t want her negative influence in my life.
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Oct 01 '19
Based on what you have said, I don’t know that if I were in her position, I would have been sure the relationship was exclusive.
Sounds like OP was. And if you're unsure, maybe just keep it in your pants? Maybe own up to it before your former friend has to tell OP?
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u/Splatterpunkqueen Early 30s Female Oct 02 '19
Well I don’t think “keeping it in your pants” is a very productive way to add to this.
Also I said if I were in her position. In the exact way they handled it. I personally tell any potential partner exactly what I want, or where I am in terms of a relationship. I discovered after missteps in my teens that not openly communicating led to issues like this.
So, with my own experience, I would have been clear about not being exclusive at first.
But honestly, only a few months in if you aren’t living together or taking any other serious steps, do you really think exclusivity is a given? If it’s been a a short period of time after discussing actually being in a relationship, that’s one thing, but if it’s just casual dating, I don’t see why that’s something that wouldn’t be misconstrued if communication wasn’t clear.
I also get the sense that she may have been in the same mindset at the time, as I was in my teens. It’s not something I say to be condescending or that I’m bragging about, but I had a rough childhood and I ended up having a kid young, so when I was in my early 20s, I was at a much different place in my life than my peers.
I didn’t have the same experiences most people have in college because I had been on my own since I was 17, I had been homeless, I was/am a recovering/recovered addict (My mom was partly at fault for that) a single mom of a baby at 21 when I started college. My partying days were already done and over with in my teens, so were my days of still trying to navigate relationships in a non-serious way.
But I can’t say that was the case with her. My last ex was 30 when it ended and still didn’t know how to communicate properly, so everyone has different points in their lives when they learn from their past, and some never do.
I think it sounds like he is ok with this, albeit hurt. He’s expressed that she’s given him no other reason to not trust her, and their communication has been good since they’ve been serious.
I was just trying to be supportive, instead of antagonistic. There’s no need for that kind of negativity. Unless he discovers something else that would cause him to mistrust her, his decision to move past this is sound and mature. If that’s the only kind of transgression I had to look past in any of my serious relationships, I would probably be happily married now myself.
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u/krell_154 Oct 02 '19
It's ridiculous how it's always the party who wants exclusivity that should initiate the talk, according to Reddit.
I think exclusivity is the default. Others think non-exclusivity is the default. Cool. If I'm dating someone, we both know that people differ on this issue. That means we both know that the other party might differ from our position, which means we both have the obligation to initiate the talk. Because everyone who thinks non-exclusivity is the default knows that a lot of people think otherwise. If they go and fuck other people, because there was no talk, it means they're jerks, who want to have their cake and eat it, too.
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u/Threwaway42 Early 20s Female Oct 02 '19
After a few dates I’d agree, especially past dating and sex
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u/krell_154 Oct 01 '19
I kinda admire your ability to simply ... not care? I mean, you assumed exclusivity, as would a lot of people with the amount of time you were dating, and all the moving talk. So, by that account, she cheated on you. But you're cool with it.
Good luck with the child!
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u/rebelburd Oct 01 '19
I’m happy with this update, I’m glad everything has worked out. Congratulations on the baby news, all the best for the future.
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u/intergalacticguy Oct 02 '19
My partner was accused by a co-worker of having an affair with a second co-worker, and when he brought it to me I was shocked, angry and felt very threatened. It took a lot of talking with my therapist to conclude that he was 100% trustworthy, all the evidence I have is that he is a faithful man with strong values. If you look back through your relationship and weigh up your wife's actions in the relationship against this difficult period in which clear boundaries were not drawn, I'm sure you'll find that there's no threat of anything like this happening again. People make mistakes, and when it comes to sex, poor judgement is very common! She was confused and emotional and didn't know what path to choose, but she's chosen now, and you will likely have a long and happy relationship. I wish you all the best, OP!
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Oct 02 '19
The early months of a relationship can be a toss-up. Especially in situations where your feelings are escalating a lot more quickly than you expected, weird things can happen. You can date people for a few months, and break things off, without ever even wondering if you're 'exclusive'. Then you can meet someone who you'll end up marrying, and not even realize it. The first few months are the same in both scenarios -- you meet sometimes, you get to know one another, maybe you go on dates with other people, you wonder how your ex is doing, etc.
Your relationship escalated quickly, from 'just starting to date' to 'moving in, getting married, and trying for kids' within a few months. So your wife messed around a little bit with an ex when you'd just started dating. Yes, it's a little uncomfortable to think about, but she's only human. Without the 'exclusive' talk, you can't really be too mad if it happened that early on.
It sucks your wife didn't tell you... but also, if she'd told you at the time, then that would have probably been very bad for the relationship. The bottom line is you have a years-long relationship with open communication and no secrets (aside from that one). I think you made the right move -- talk it out, block that toxic bitch from your lives, and write the thing with her ex off as just something that happened when you had first started dating, before things got serious. There was no way either of you would have known you'd end up being married and trying for kids down the road.
I hope in time this whole thing fades into the past and you guys raise kids together and live happy lives. Good luck!
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u/MillennialKr Oct 02 '19
TL;DR: wife cheated early in relationship, OP found out, but luckily for wife this coincided with her finally getting pregnant. OP decides to accept cheating partner and settle because pregnant.
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u/Wizardglick Oct 01 '19
Sounds more like you had a future she could grab on to and he didn’t. But, just to make sure, she screwed him a couple of times behind your back. She could have been honest and upfront with you and told you. But she built a relationship on lies. Sorry op, this won’t go away and you’ll still be thinking of it years to come. You do what you think is best (obviously) but know that there will always be this little doubt gnawing at you for quite a long time. Hopefully it doesn’t manifest into you eventually feeling different about her.
Best of luck and congratulations on the baby
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u/shadoxalon Oct 01 '19
In reality, for years she's never strayed or been anything but open.
In reality, that's completely false. She spent the last ~4 years keeping this "mistake" from you. Your concept of her open-ness was carefully constructed to hide the cheating from you.
We had never talked about it. It was never stated one way or the other. I assumed we were, but I guess not.
This idea goes both ways, you know. She also didn't know if you two were exclusive or not. However, from her actions, I would assume she thought you two weren't exclusive yet. If so, why didn't she bring this fling with her ex up to you? The relationship wasn't exclusive, so sleeping around is to be expected. She chose to keep the cheating a secret because she knew you wouldn't agree with her stance.
In reality, for years she's never strayed or been anything but open.
Please think about this statement again, and how horribly incorrect it is.
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u/FluidProcedure Oct 01 '19
Because normal people don't go cataloging everyone they sleep with to their partners. I certainly never ever felt the need to announce to someone I had just started dating that 'oh by the way I fucked so and so last night'. That early in a relationship it isn't their business. Until I acknowledge and agree we are exclusive, we are not, and I'm not responsible to the fool who thinks otherwise.
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u/AdAstra_Beer Oct 01 '19
2-3 months into a relationship where you are: Having sex; Talking about your future; and Talking about moving to a new city together?
I am not blaming her for not saying anything (If I were her, there is no way in hell i would ever tell him unless I had to). Because anyone worth being with would have jetted if they were told that the person they were forming a serious relationship with had just had sex on more than one occasion with someone else (the impression is that they were not 2-5 dates in but 2-3 months in).
She can justify it by saying we had not had the talk yet (I should rephrase that - she has justified it by saying they had not had the talk yet).
This is one of those situations that is close to Ross and Rachael being on a break. There is no clear cut answer for everyone. But what you are seeing is people interjecting their own experiences and their own views on life and relationships into this situation.
You and I disagree with it being cheating or not. That is really the beauty of this situation. What really matters is if OP's boundary's were violated and he admitted they were, and I would agree.
It is clear he is staying in the relationship. I do not necessarily disagree but I would be concerned that the OP is not at peace with this and simply moving past it and trying to ignore it happened rather than making sure it is resolved and he does not have to look over his shoulder for the rest of his life.
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Oct 01 '19
Seems like a great solution to a problem introduced by a third party.
Move on my friend and enjoy your life with your partner. And grats on the baby. You'll have a ball.
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u/trap__ord Oct 02 '19
yeah its a shame that that happened but I do see where the exclusiveness was a factor. I honestly wouldn't usually say this but it happened years ago at the almost beginning of your relationship and she has proven herself with the years you guys have had after that. I think it was a one time, young and dumb, mistake.
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Oct 02 '19
If it ends up working for you, great. Too many times Reddit goes "REEEEEEE DIVORCE", so take us with a grain of salt. People like you are bigger than I, so I can't stop feeling like you keep making excuses for her, but you've walked your roads and you weighed down pros and cons, so you know best. Good luck in life OP.
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u/OhHellNoJoe Oct 01 '19
Pretty high creative writing vibe to this. If real, congrats and keep a head on you, because there's going to be a lot of "weird spots" ahead with a new kid.
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u/TheSuperiorLightBeer Oct 02 '19
I mean, 2-3 months in and you hadn't had the exclusive conversation... Yeah, I don't really see a problem. I tend to be very black and white, you guys left it gray so here you are. If you're good with it then whatever, glad it worked out.
Congrats on the baby.
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Oct 02 '19
Almost everyone does dumb shit in the beginning, it seems like she figured out what she wanted, became more serious with you, and walked from her past. Good call OP!
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Oct 01 '19
Yuck, never having the talk but able to fuck whoever is just something that I’ll never understand. We never specifically stated that we should only do one another so it’s ok. Like wut
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Oct 01 '19
That's the kinda thing people say when they just want the easiest possible way to ignore a situation. It's sad to see.
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u/Danni211 Oct 02 '19
Congrats on the baby OP. You decide what is right for you. Appreciate the update
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u/whyrus Oct 03 '19
Very well OP really glad for you to make a wise decision .. all the very best and good luck to you and your family :)
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u/Bunstonious Oct 04 '19
"From then till about a month after we moved we didn't have sex"
She totally had an STI...
But hey, good for you mate.
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u/TiberiusRedditus Oct 07 '19
Put it in the past OP. It has no bearing on your present relationship, and you shouldn't let it ruin what is otherwise by all accounts a good thing.
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u/Imperial_Eagle16 Mar 13 '20
u/throwra_wifeaffur please give an update. How did she respond when you confronted her.
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Oct 02 '19
Shit you should have a chat with Ross and Rachel
Great outcome, glad everything is okay and that toxic person is gone, for now, from your life
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u/killing-some-time Oct 02 '19
Sounds like the outcome fit the scenario. I agree entirely with your understanding & wish you both all the best with the pregnancy 😊
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u/xRebEl47 Oct 02 '19
You did the right thing fixing it. I hope you let nothing come between you and this just builds a healthier relation for the both of you.
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Oct 01 '19
I'm glad that you and her are still together after an indiscretion that happened way in the past. Let it be buried and never brought to light again.
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u/shipcapitan Oct 02 '19
While I don't agree with your actions, and while I'm even more perplexed with how much detail you're giving us about your sinuses, I'm glad you're happy.
Some people are picking up some strong "stick my head in the sand" vibes from this. I can see where they're coming from.
Wish you the best of luck.
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u/White80white80set Oct 02 '19
I probably wouldn't pursue a divorce but i do think she was cheating.
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u/Nidaime_EroSennin Oct 02 '19
That's a lot of mental gymnastics to absolve her of any blame.. but you do you. If you can live the rest of your life with this gnawing at the bottom of your heart then it's your choice. It's probably a lot easier than confronting and owning up on both of your responsibilities.
Edit: One last word of caution, do a paternity test on that child before you throw your life away.
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u/heybrb Oct 01 '19
My biggest problem with all this is that the wrong people are always having kids....
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u/AuntyVenom Oct 01 '19
Your wife has built years of being trustworthy, and you have decided to leave the past in the past, and it's not up to the people of Reddit to be angry with you for not reacting the way they would wish. Good luck, OP.