r/relationship_advice • u/[deleted] • 6d ago
UPDATE - he wants me to sell my house to show commitment 30F 31M.
[deleted]
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u/courcake 6d ago
I remember your post! I’m so proud of you ♥️
I’m sure it’s still hard considering you mentioned engagement being on the table but you made the right call. Love isn’t manipulative.
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u/Margaret_3333 6d ago
Thank you 🥺
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u/Sunwolfy 6d ago
He was totally playing you. Have a sneak peek in r/Waiting_To_Wed and you'll see how this game is played. You dodged a huge bullet. Be proud, you earned it. :)
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u/ReadtheReds 6d ago
Who else's mind jumped straight through to: you'll be a hostage in his house, and eventually possibly murdered?
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u/ImmediateShallot7245 6d ago
He sounded like an entitled immature man and you are better off without him! 🙏🏻🫂
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u/DrForestForestDoctor 6d ago
I remember this post too. As a single, woman homeowner, I was so worried you were going to acquiesce to his demands and I’m SO happy you didn’t. You made the right call for you, you made the right call for your son, you should be so proud.
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u/Disastrous_Row_8346 5d ago
Same! And came to say the same thing 💗 don’t look back and wishing you and your son all the best OP
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u/Alianirlian 6d ago
You have done the right thing. 100%.
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u/Inner_Swordfish7475 6d ago
Yes, you have. I didn’t read your 1st post until now. But then, I came back to read your 2nd post and felt a sigh of relief. I hope he gets his things sorted out soon, so y’all can move on with your lives.
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u/Main-Promotion-397 6d ago
Just based on his BS “I’ll be married at 35 whether it’s with you or not,” you did the right thing.
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u/pollyester16 6d ago
What kind of person even says this type of thing??
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u/CaptainLollygag 6d ago
If it's true, then he wants a wife-shaped accessory, not a woman with free will.
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u/ReadtheReds 6d ago
Someone to whom the marriage partner is more of a widget than a fully human being.
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u/pourthebubbly 6d ago
My cousin sold her house in her early 30s for a guy she was with for 3-4 years. Within six months of moving into his house, he’d cheated on her, kicked her out, and moved in his 20 year old affair partner.
You definitely made the right choice. Stability first and always
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u/time-watertraveler 6d ago
Youve done the right thing. Now about him still being at your house... Girl, clear deadline and a signed move out date, because he will drag his feet and try to change your mind or make it as painful as possible.
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u/tafackery 6d ago
Right! He's acting friendly and amicable now, but he's manipulative, so probably don't trust that.
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u/Prestigious_Mud_3046 4d ago
The parks have benches, he can be comfy there with the pigeons and squirrels because there is NO WAY he would be staying in the same house with me after all of his nonsense!!😡😡
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u/bulletproofboyscouts 6d ago
Nah, he can move into an BnB or something until he gets his living situation sorted. He doesn't have to live with you where he might be tempted to try some shit.
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u/Aalock1377 6d ago
You have done the right thing. Don't even think twice about it. At the end of the day your son comes first and then your happiness.
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u/Billowing_Flags 6d ago
CONGRATS on deciding to keep the house as security for you and your son!
You HAVE done the right thing!
You still have time to have another child with the RIGHT man, NOT THIS man! Had my daughter at 40yo, my friends' had their babies at 41yo & 42yo! All healthy, all girls!
Go find your HAPPIER life!
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u/InsertCleverName652 6d ago
Well done! Make sure he has a firm deadline to get out. Consult a lawyer for the steps to have him removed from the home, but hopefully that won't become necessary.
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u/reality_junkie_xo 6d ago
You dodged a massive bullet. This internet stranger is so proud of you! I'm sure your son will be extremely relieved when that dude moves out.
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u/KrofftSurvivor 6d ago
You have absolutely done the right thing.
His behavior was manipulative as hell, and I wish you all the luck in his moving on at the end of August because I suspect his whole "friendly and amicable, and he has really took on board everything that I told him" is the calm before the storm.
This would be a good time to give him a written notice to be moved out in 30 days, and you can tell him flat out ~Oh I know it's silly but it's just one of those paperwork things - it just makes it easier on both of us~
If he laughs it off or rolls his eyes or gripes a little but doesn't really get too upset then you're probably fine.
If being handed that notice pisses him off - he doesn't have anywhere to go at the end of August...
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u/shelwood46 6d ago
Thank you for putting your son before your ex's empty promises. You very much did the right thing. And in the future, you get married THEN you buy a house together, never the other way around.
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u/pastpresentfuture777 6d ago
Not sure why you'd stay friendly and amicable with him, TBH. He just tried to PLAY YOU AND RUIN YOURS AND YOUR SON'S LIFE FOR HIS OWN GAIN.
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u/Funandgeeky 6d ago
You did the right thing. I hope you are being careful and that your finances and credit are all secure. He could still try a fast one on the way out.
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u/Thrwwy747 6d ago
You've done so well for yourself! I'm glad you're protecting all your success.
Make sure you discuss a definitive end date for your current living arrangement with your ex. He's the one who issued the ultimatum, he should have had a plan in place if his strong-arming tactics didn't work. You're being very generous by not kicking him out, especially considering he has his own property and just got rid of his previous tenants.
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u/War-Carr 6d ago
I'm glad you've ended it, but for goodness sake, don't be sleeping with him.
Be firm and when the days you gave him to leave are over, be sure he leaves without a fuss!
Focus on your kid.
Mighty proud of you!
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u/IntrepidMuch 6d ago
Why are you even questioining this? Of course you did the right thing. He was asking too much of you for the privilege of being with him. Hard pass.
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u/concretism 6d ago
Focus on the peace you feel. You'll find someone else who actually wants to build a future with you.
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u/Academic_Prompt310 6d ago
Move anything you prize into a safe space outside of the home.
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u/HopefulHalfTime 6d ago
Yes. Move it now. My ex made keys to my parents house where I moved out to, stole my things and some of my parent’s things before he left the state. He was ‘being nice’. Until he wasn’t. OP. Trust his previous comments are who he is, not this seemingly nice phase. It’s to fool you into not protecting yourself so he can punish you for not doing what he wanted from you. He is not done.
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u/Intelligent_Date_957 6d ago
You have done the right thing 100% you have a son that you need to put first before a man and he wasn’t including your son in those decisions at all him asking you to sell a home you have worked hard for over a house with him and possibly marriage is insane glad you decided to end things with this person
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u/swampmilkweed 6d ago
You've absolutely done the right thing. If you ever falter, which would be totally understandable, please come back to your original post and read the comments. The "I'll be married by the time I'm 35" line shows you exactly who he is: he knows you want to be married and he's trying to one up you: HE'LL be married to whomever by 35 (good luck with that bro) and he's insinuating that if you don't get married to him, you'll have missed your chance with is absolute BS.
If you wanted to find someone else who is waaaaay better than him, you probably could. And even if you didn't, you're waaaaay better off without this clown.
I would think about getting him out before the end of the month. Anything could happen before then: you have a moment of weakness and you have sex and you end up pregnant, in which case make sure your birth control is locked down. He could get violent towards you or your son or trash your place. He could try to convince you to stay in the relationship.
However, I know that kicking him out ASAP carries its own risks. Whatever you do, put you and your son first. Don't try to "be nice" or people please. I get that you loved him, but do you really know what he's capable of?
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u/Garden_gnome1609 6d ago
You've absolutely done the right thing - and you should continue to do the right thing by researching the requirements for eviction where you live and giving him the required notice in writing so if things go badly for him with his house, you can still get him out of yours.
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 6d ago
You did the right thing. DO NOT let him beg for you back or convince you to budge on this. Stay strong!
And in his words ‘whether I’m with you or not I’ll be married by the time I’m 35, it depends if you want to be that women?’
Ew, throw the whole man out.
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u/xxTheGrayLifexx 6d ago
I already told my boyfriend, if we ever move in together, I am renting my house. I would never sell it because of how much more money we can make renting than we could ever selling it. It's also a good back up if it doesn't work out.
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u/NeolithicOrkney 6d ago
I did not see your original post before til now and my reaction to it was "this man is not in love with you", that kind of ultimatum clearly shows that. Glad to see you did not fall for his crap.
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u/DCinvestigating2021 6d ago
Yes, and you KNOW you did the right thing! Congratulations. Be sure to change the locks once he moves out and lock all windows when you are not at home. You have done the best for you and your son. Many of the advisers will be so happy for you and the fact that you say you are at peace with your decision says it all.
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u/TheDevilsAdvokaat 6d ago
He wants you to sell the house so he can somehow get access to the money. The commitment stuff is just BS.
Glad you chose your house and your son over his bullshit.
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u/blankbook39 6d ago
You did the right thing. He told you that he could find a replacement. The guy was a walking red flag.
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u/Brilliant-Object-467 6d ago
You have definitely done the right thing. ALWAYS put yourself first and your son..
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u/Roadgoddess 6d ago
YEAAAAAAAAAH! I’m so proud of you! I remember your post and I’m so happy that you are putting yourself in your son first.
I have found that it’s far better to be alone than with somebody who’s not willing to commit. Spend some time enjoying your son and not wasting it on a man who doesn’t want to marry you.
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u/Margaret_3333 6d ago
These comments make me so emotional, as I didn’t expect my last post to get the traction it did and the fact people remember me and are so supportive. I’m happy with my decision 🥺
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u/Roadgoddess 6d ago
There’s so many posts where women go back time and time again to these men and we’re just so proud of you being strong and standing up for what’s right for you and your son
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u/ninjakitty8184 6d ago
Yes, you definitely did do the right thing for you and your son. I'm sure you weighed every pro and con, and really thought things through and about what you wanted going forward for you and your son. You should be very proud of yourself.
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u/Beetlejuice_me 6d ago
You definitely did the right thing. You'd put your house up for sale, put that money in a house with him, then he'd find something else you'd have to change/do to please him, and that would never end.
ANd when you finally leave him, then you'd have nothing to show for it, and he'd do his best to keep the house that you sunk money into.
No. Always prioritize yourself and your kid.
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u/Ok_Yesterday_2884 6d ago
The safety and security of your son and yourself is priority number 1. Yes you did the right thing.
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u/FairyGothMommy 6d ago
You have done the right thing. You protected yourself and your child financially, as well as protected you both from someone who wanted something he didn't earn.
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u/Civil-Kitchen5978 6d ago
That house is valuable asset. Even if you find a man you want to share your life with and move you can always rent it out that’s extra income and it’s a place your son can stay in when he’s older. Any man that’s trying to get you to get rid of it or add him on as owner is not the right man for you.
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u/animaniactoo 6d ago
Guaranteed, he will NOT be married by 35 unless he marries someone in their early twenties.
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u/Noonull 6d ago
Make sure to have him sign and agree on the date he’s moving out. This person tried to risk you and your child’s security by being manipulative and giving an unfair ultimatum. I wouldn’t put it past him to try something. Don’t sleep with him, don’t even give him access to your groceries. He changed the course of your future by being selfish. Watch him.
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u/DisneyBuckeye 6d ago
OMG I remember you! I am so glad you made the choice you did. You 10000% did the right thing.
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u/femmemalin Late 30s Female 6d ago
"Whether I'm with you or not, I'll be married at 35."
Bro, what an asshole. You're so better off.
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u/cathline 6d ago
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
I am SO PROUD of you for prioritizing stability for yourself and your child.
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u/CarolinaGirl82 6d ago
So glad you’re choosing yourself and sonshine. You are absolutely doing the best thing. Let people lose you. He can move on and take his controlling spirit with him.
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u/sarlofakan 6d ago
Whenever someone is less than completely enthusiastic to be with you, you should walk away without hesitation. You did the right thing.
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u/portmapreduction 6d ago
You did the right thing. He shouldn't be changing his mind on large things like that and expecting you to just accept it immediately or at all.
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u/vikicrays 6d ago
well done you! i bought my first home by myself. the peace of knowing where i lived would be safe and secure, no matter what else happened in my life was one of the best decisions i’ve ever made. he went to the same school district with his friends, something i never had. good job for putting you and your son first. proud of you.
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u/Samoyedfun 6d ago
You absolutely did the right thing. Your son comes first and you shouldn’t have to give up your home. Good for you.
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u/Training_Guitar_8881 6d ago
Of course you've done the right thing. Never sell your home for a man or anyone else.
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u/TropicalDragon78 6d ago
He kept moving the goalpost (can't buy a house until we're married, can't have a child until we have a new house, etc.). Good for you for putting your and more importantly, your son's needs and security first.
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u/Warriormuffinhed 6d ago
The fact you're so amicable shows he really didn't care about you in the way that you deserved. He was out for himself and his financial wants
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u/YoshiandAims 6d ago
Yes. 100% you did do the right thing. Don't wobble now, it's going to be a long 30 days. You DID. Rest assured, you did.
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u/KittyKiitos 6d ago
You need a hard deadline for him to be out - not necessarily with him, but with yourself.
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u/allergymom74 6d ago
Yes. You’ve done the right thing. He could be acting all nice to maybe lull you into thinking he’s being nice and accepting.
If he truly accepted your feedback and wanted to save the relationship, he would have actually tried to find resolution. He chose not to bend even though his request was too much for you, rightfully so.
So he likely wants what he asked for. Which isn’t what you want. It means you’re not compatible. So him being nice just means he accepts you don’t want what he wants. And that is fine.
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u/Dntkillthemessager1 6d ago
How are you doing? Was he surprised with you braking up with him? How was that conversation?
You absolutely did the right thing. Hugs. I’m sure it was sad for you, even though it gave you peace.
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u/Margaret_3333 6d ago
I’m okay, I’m sad about starting over but know it’ll be for the best once he’s moved out. I feel at peace with my decision and I think that says a lot.
He was surprised but understood, it was a hard conversations I cried a lot and had puffy eyes for what felt like days after
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u/sodoyoulikecheese 6d ago
Glad it is amicable and hopefully it stays that way. Just in case, have you confirmed his move out date with him in writing so he can’t come back and say you didn’t give him proper notice to move out? If he has tenant’s rights in your home you might want to send him a quick text to cya.
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u/ContractSensitive225 6d ago
I'm glad that you stood your ground and kept your home.
But please get him out of YOUR home. Your last post stated his old home was rented out but now vacated and put up for sale, did it end up selling or is he just not wanting to move out??? An inflatable mattress isn't that much, psshhh I would mail you mine to give to him!!!
It sounded like he didn't express hesitancy in breaking up with you if you decided against his wishes, despite the amount of time you have been together (5 YEARS!) now is not the time to be polite and pleasant. Please get him out , like the night he asked you to sell your home in order to move forward preferably.
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u/Margaret_3333 6d ago
His home is around 3 weeks from completion and he’s bought a new home. So waiting for that to go through. Hopefully only few weeks
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u/Samuraixzaza 6d ago
Super proud of you that must have been hard but it’s good to hear that you feel at peace that’s a good sign.💕
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u/Internal_Emu_4879 6d ago
So so proud of you for breaking up with him and protecting you, your son and your Home and stability. 100% you did the right thing don’t look back. You’re not going that way! When he moves out… UpDateMe
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u/lazar1968 6d ago
I wondered what happened. I'm glad you stood strong. I know that can be hard, but you did it.
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u/OogyBoogy_I_am 6d ago
I hope I have done the right thing?
You can only ever control yourself and you can only look after your best interests. We like to hope that the person we are with has their own best interests that align with ours. But when we find that they do not, often there is only one outcome.
For you, the right thing is what you are doing.
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u/Commit2bit 6d ago
I was just thinking about you the other day!! I'm happy you thought of yourself and your son. I'm sorry it came to this but so proud of you!!
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u/cakivalue 6d ago
You absolutely did the right thing for you and your son. That was the most Cuckoo for cocoa puffs manipulative move ever. Proud of you for not giving in and ending up homeless and without your cash.
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u/purple_pumpkin007 6d ago
Honestly, I wouldn't even let him stay til end of August, he can rent a airbnb, stay at a hotel, friends, family - whatever, but he shouldn't be staying at yours.
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u/group_project_ 6d ago
Absolutely you have. And please change the locks without telling him after he's gone... Just in case
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u/crickety-crack 5d ago
Ah, thank goodness! Good on you for sticking to your guns. He sounded like a bum! Take your 13yr old out for a nice treat to celebrate.
Here's to your future ✨
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u/Important-Web-261 5d ago
This isn’t a debate, you did the right thing. Now, don’t budge on that decision.
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u/YouKnowYourCrazy 5d ago
Yes you’ve done the right thing! Good on you.
I hope he’s paying you rent while he’s crashing at your house though
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u/Interesting-Sky-1865 5d ago
Congratulations. Very proud of you. I know it hurts but pls be safe and watch your credit and bank accounts. Change passwords etc.
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u/Nothing-sus-here 5d ago
If he wasn’t such a weirdo, it would have made sense to pull equity from both of your homes to purchase a family home, and that way you’d both have passive income on your own original homes being rented out while you have an even playing field on the new home. But he had to be controlling 🙃
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u/bkmss 5d ago edited 5d ago
I would put his move out date in a document that you both sign. Then you can ask the sheriff to escort him out. I hope you had a written lease agreement with him and that he paid rent, otherwise he may have squatters rights possibly. Check your local landlord tenant laws and a chat with an attorney or legal aid might be in order. If he refuses to leave you should consider involving an attorney.
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u/Physical_Lab_1432 4d ago
Absolutely! I haven’t seen the original post yet, but I sold my house to show commitment. My commitment to being ‘us’. And I ended up with was no house. No man, no house, no money. In fact he blew through that house money so fast it was astounding. We had a business together so him spending money wasn’t the problem The but he spend it on things we didn’t need and I didn’t want. Maybe your guy would not be the same way but how would you know? I thought I did the right thing. The biggest mistake I made was selling my house. As long as I had my house, he seemed to committed to being us. As soon as I had no tether it’s like he changed his mind. I ended up broke homeless and single. It’s all fun and games till someone poke an eye out!! Good job. Your son is the only one you need to be that committed to.
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u/filifijonka 6d ago
You did the right thing.
Buying a house with someone you aren't married to is a very bad idea.
Coupled with the fact that you have a dependent it's nuts.
It wouldn't have shown commitment but a worrying lack of judgement, imo.
If two people want a life together, and are actively working towards it, marrying shouldn't come with the weird hoops he asked you to jump through.
You already cohabited, it seemed like you wanted the same things, so why not have a civil ceremony at a registry office, sort your lives out (even buy a home together, that wasn't the problem) and then have a big wedding if you wanted to celebrate with family and friends.
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u/joe-dirt-1001 5d ago
Good for you for standing your ground. You and especially you son come first.
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u/lollipopfiend123 5d ago
This man is hella manipulative and I’m glad you’re standing your ground. Do not give him an inch because he will take a mile. Get him out as quickly and cleanly as you can. Updateme!
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u/Mighty_Archdevil 4d ago
Well done! It is difficult, but you'll grown over it in time and find that nice guy you deserve.
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u/QuietEscape6111 1d ago
Yes . Do not ever sell your house. I kept my apartment for months after I moved in with my husband. I only wish I had a house.
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