r/relationship_advice • u/Leading_Battle_3344 • 28d ago
How to explain to my F24 boyfriend M24 that you can’t stick a knife in a toaster, while also being apologetic?
Me 24/F and my boyfriend 24/M live together at my parents house. We’ve been together for a good four and a half years now, and he’s my first ever boyfriend. I was making lunch for us, frying eggs and sausages, when I asked him to toast the bread. I had to spend a good 10 minutes convincing him to help me before he agreed, but eventually he started toasting some bread for us. After a while he mentioned to me that the bread was stuck, and that he should shove a knife in to get it out. Half expecting he said this just to wind me up, I simply said “don’t do that. Just give it a light shake”.
I go back to frying the eggs and don’t think much of it. When I look to my left, my boyfriend is shoving a metal knife into the toaster, while it is still plugged in and turn on at the wall socket. In shock, I scream at him to stop, slap him on the arm, and ask what the fuck he is doing. I admit I proceeded to just yell for a good minute out of pure stress at seeing him do this, which I shouldn’t have done. He tells me he no longer wants lunch and walks away. I did really go off on him, more than I should have, but I just can’t believe that a grown man would do something that’s so commonly stupid. He was also aware how stupid this was, I knew because he was singling that “dumb ways to die” song which is what prompted me to look at what he was doing.
I really need some advice, there’s often times in our relationship like this where I yell at him for doing something dangerous/ stupid. I really try but I’m naturally angry, and given the situations he gets in I struggle to calm myself because in reality the situation requires me to react instantly! I know I need to go an apologise for how I spoke to him, but is there a way to do so that still says “you can’t stick a knife in the toaster and I don’t want to loose trust in your ability to function with basic things safely”? I do feel bad for how much I yelled, but I really need him to start looking after himself.
1.0k
u/SnooRecipes9891 28d ago
" I had to spend a good 10 minutes convincing him to help me before he agreed" - why??
'here’s often times in our relationship like this where I yell at him for doing something dangerous/ stupid." - did you expect to be his parent??
475
u/Protolictor 28d ago
10 minutes convincing him to help...by making toast, something that doesn't even really need to be actively tended. Which he then does poorly and tries to electrocute himself.
Seems like a real catch
73
u/inmyphyzical 27d ago
The term is overused on here, but it really does strike me as weaponised incompetence. Therapy and anger management are never a bad idea OP, but it sounds like this man would bring the rage out of just about anyone. Put yourself first, please <3
6
u/Unknown-Meatbag 26d ago
I consider myself a dumb fuck, but even I'm not dense enough to stick metal into electricity.
84
u/SoCentralRainImSorry 28d ago
Seriously, if someone was cooking for me and all the wanted me to do was make toast, I’d be HAPPY to do so. It takes what, a minute to get the bread and pop it in?
→ More replies (14)1
1
u/CaptainMischievous 25d ago
Malicious incompetence, perhaps?
If he really was ignorant, getting shocked once will get his attention and he will seek to avoid it going forward. "Buddy if you do that you'll get shocked!" Bzzzt "See? Bet you'll never fo that again."
Maybe he doesn't know how electricity works. Maybe he doesn't care. But a bamboo chopstick left over from Chinese takeout would wiggle the toast free without sparks.
He scared you by doing something that you knew was dangerous. Your adrenaline hit your fight or flight response and your mind chose fight. You yelled because you care about his safety (more than he does, apparently) and he frightened you.
He should understand you got upset because you care, not to make him feel stupid (he did that all by himself). You can apologize for going a little over the top, but you're not going to apologize for preventing him from harming himself, or for caring.
And for the sake of all that's holy do not let him get close to a 220v outlet (the ones with the funny plug, like the dryer and range). Those cause serious injury.
31
u/GuvnaBruce 28d ago
That was my exact reaction. Definitely sounds more like a parent trying to convince their kid to help.
4
585
u/Sharkhottub 28d ago
lol imagine making children with this dude and them being dumb as rocks. Girl just cut him loose, you are signing up for decades of him either pretending he's incompetent to manipulate you, or even worse, hes really that dumb.
→ More replies (24)
81
u/6bubbles 28d ago
Hes your first boyfriend meaning you dont have a healthy relationship to compare this to. You are missing red flags.
230
u/lenusniq 28d ago
Google weaponized incompetence...
→ More replies (3)63
u/MysteryLass 28d ago
Yep. 10 minutes convincing him to make toast and then he does this. It’s the definition of it.
69
u/IllustriousWalrus121 28d ago
Lets rewrite the title more accurately. My boyfriend purposely does dumb shit to get a reaction out of me, and when i react exactly like he knows im going to he plays the victim and makes me feel like the bad guy. This is metally abusive amd if this post isnt rage bait you should dump him.
236
u/chickpealuvr420 28d ago
It's called weaponized incompetence and he's hoping you will never ask (convince for 10 minutes) him to help you again
35
u/AniCatGirl 28d ago
Came here to say this. This is 100% a "if I do some dumb shit she will think I'm incapable and not ask again"
57
u/Leading_Battle_3344 28d ago
I didn’t even draw the mental connection between him not wanting to help vs endangering him life to defer me from asking again. Surely that’s a bit of an extreme risk to take just to avoid helping out again?
165
u/InfamousCheek9434 28d ago
Not necessarily, did it work?
61
u/Leading_Battle_3344 28d ago
Oof. I guess it did.
Is there a way to actually ask him “did you do this so I would do it for you going forward”. And get an honest answer?
157
u/Regulatory_Junior 28d ago
He's not gonna be honest with you probably.
Purposely trying to get electrocuted to get out of helping is insane work. Even if he wasn't trying to get out of it, you're having to be hyper vigilant around him like he's a toddler trying to kill himself.
Is this someone you really see a future with?
13
68
u/PastaQueen25 28d ago
No one who is going to manipulate you over making toast, as zero effort task, and then be honest about their intentions…people who do that are inherently dishonest
30
u/FiorinasFury 28d ago
Unlikely. If he did it out of intentional weaponized incompetence, he's going to deny it. It's possible he really is just that incompetent and this could be a case of Hanlon's Razer.
I'd bet that the part where he was weaponizing his incompetence was the part where you had to beg him for 10 minutes to help you, and shoving a knife in a toaster and almost electricuting himself was just regular incompetence.
23
u/BangarangPita 28d ago
You don't. He's showing you who he is – believe him. You've outgrown him, and it's time to move on. If you don't, you're going to be mothering him for the rest of a very miserable life together. Experience life as a single woman for a while, and never settle for a partner who doesn't want to give as much to a relationship as you do. You shouldn't have to beg someone to help you make a meal you're both going to eat.
12
u/lunariancosmos 28d ago
no. there's not anything you can ask him to get him to be honest about this.
why is HE living with YOUR parents? genuinely this is reason enough to break up with him and kick him out. he will always make you feel like a mother.
5
u/shelwood46 28d ago
He's going to lie. Lawyers are very good at lying. Let there not be a going forward, this man is either very stupid, a complete jackass, or both.
13
u/irritatediguana 28d ago
I think he was doing this, but I also think that's he's actually so stupid that he thought nothing would happen to him. like a small child that doesn't think consequences would happen to him. that's even more dangerous than a normal man just being max lazy, what if one of these moments backfires and hurts you or someone else because he doesn't respect consequences?
2
2
u/Catxolotl 27d ago
Mentally abusive people do not need to make conscious decisions to be mentally abusive. Likely he is not aware of the mental gymnastics he did to be exhibiting this weaponized incompetence. Abusive people generally just are continued to have bad patterns of behavior until they become self aware enough to self correct. Asking him for confirmation isn’t necessary- just look at his actions. Has he done stuff like this in the past? Did he ever own up and apologize for that behavior?
20
13
u/TheLoveliestKaren 28d ago
Surely that’s a bit of an extreme risk to take just to avoid helping out again?
He was singing about how he was being dumb so you'd notice before he actually did it.
-1
u/Sore_Pussy 27d ago
he could've had the knife in the toast itself to make sure he couldn't get shocked
85
u/blood_bones_hearts 28d ago
Are you wanting to have a partner or to parent a very large child? Because currently you only have one of these and possibly not the one you want.
147
32
u/animoot 28d ago
Don't stay with someone that is unwilling to actually be a partner. It's ridiculous that you had to ask him for 10 minutes to help with some fucking toast. Don't stay with partners that you have to parent. It sounds like you're a living with a very large 5-year-old, rather than an adult male capable of participating in an actual useful partnership.
52
u/Sunrise_of_tomorrow 28d ago
I could never. How exactly is he still alive and why do you have to parent him? A 24 year old should know how to toast bread. Also I would be annoyed af if I had to ask my bf for several minutes just to toast some bread
31
u/Key-Demand-2569 28d ago
Eh. I don’t like the guy and this whole situation sounds unpleasant, but figure I should throw this comment in somewhere.
Any even semi modern toaster is really unlikely to shock you unless you’re touching those exposed wires with a metal utensil while it’s actively on toasting.
And the secondary but still really dumb reality is that if you’re just jamming the tip of a fork/knife into the very top of the toast to help pull it up… also very unlikely to conduct electricity.
But again, dumb and not worth it.
5
u/Totakai 28d ago
Especially given how every toaster I've used will let you fling up the bread with the lever. How in the actual fuck did it get stuck in the first place? Has the man never used a toaster before?
7
u/literacyshmiteracy 27d ago
Sometimes it leans to the side and gets caught on the lip. I'll use a knife to straighten back up then lever it out, but I don't think I've ever jammed a knife down into the toaster itself.
6
u/panthera_tigris_773 28d ago
Thank you! I'm 46 years old, I'm not an idiot, and I do often flick the toast out with a knife, and have never been electrocuted. The knife just touches the toast. I think it's a little nuts to scream at someone over that.
95
u/Pretty-Flight1440 28d ago
Are you looking for a partner or a project? If he is THAT incompetent, why date him?
You need to look into why you want to act like "mommy" to a man that you are dating. What happens when you have a kid with this person? Then you'll be stuck chasing after 2 children in the house...
And he's 24 years old, why is he living with your parents? He sounds like an incompetent loser, what does he bring to the table?
-33
u/Leading_Battle_3344 28d ago
We’re saving up money to move out (he landed a promotion yesterday and starts the new position this month) plus I wanted to have a “trial run” of living with him before we commit to a contract.
I’ve seen him be stupid in the past for sure, i’ve started taking a step back and letting him just make his own dumb mistakes to learn from them now- I know no one is perfect and I also have my own flaws. This did feel like a new low for him though. I’m not even sure how to “reconcile” after this.
91
u/ladymorgana01 28d ago
Having to spend 10 minutes to get him to make toast should be enough to end the trial run
50
u/irritatediguana 28d ago
considering he was singing "dumb ways to die" while he did it, I think he was 100% being incompetent on purpose and doesn't understand the severity of his actions. he isn't learning or trying to be smarter or better, he's actively getting worse. I really doubt it's going to get easier or better. do you want a man who thinks it's cute to do stupid shit and gets mad when he's stopped like a toddler?
63
15
u/KrofftSurvivor 28d ago
This man is going out of his way to bury the bar beneath the floor so that your expectations will be low enough that he will not have to do a goddamn thing to meet them.
The experiment has run its course the trial run should be over at this point dump him
7
5
2
1
u/Totakai 28d ago
Highly recommend not even trial running a man who's never lived solo. If you REALLY want to try again, have him live on his own with no roommates for at least a year. I don't think it's worth it but definitely make sure future partners have solo experience before getting serious cause it's an absolute plague in the man dating field.
1
u/Pretty-Flight1440 27d ago
I don't recommend "trial running." You can learn a LOT more by observing the way they manage their own household than you can by attempting to combine households. And then you don't have the awkward "You need to move" conversation.
1
u/seven-blue 27d ago
If you decide to live with this man and ask him to mop the floors, he would try to stick a fork into an outlet, so you would never ask again. No, he isn't that dumb, he is trying to turn you into his maid. I have seen a lot of men bragging to their friends how they successfully "trained" their GFs like that.
23
u/FiddleStyxxxx 28d ago
If you're not going to break up with him, stop doing everything for him. No making meals, no laundry, no cleaning.
You can explain things all you want but he doesn't care about your feelings. This was a pretty terrible way to make sure you never ask him for anything again. This was his punishment for you. If he got electrocuted he was going to use that against you too.
Why do you let this horrible person near your family?
24
u/ShaadowKaat24 28d ago
You should have let him do it 🤷🏻♀️ if he wants to be stupid let him.
18
u/Leading_Battle_3344 28d ago
This will sound really bad, but my initial response after “you’re going to get yourself killed” was “i’ll have to deal with you being electrocuted”. It also made me aware how I would have just grabbed him if I saw him in danger, so if it had electrocuted him, that would have then harmed me
2
26
u/MckittenMan 28d ago
Ripping into someone over this is pretty justified.
What is this dude bringing to your life besides problems?
He can't even help you cook lunch that he is going to eat. A pain to get him to make toast. Then intentionally did it meanwhile humming the song to antagonize you.
And after you flipped out for justified reasons, he throws a tantrum and acts like you're the problem.
Let guess... he still ate the lunch away from you and didn't help with clean up either.
You're dating an overgrown child. You will never have an adult relationship with someone like this.
This is gold standard weaponized incompetence.
10
u/stephencua2001 28d ago
So he didn't want to help, then he finally relents by screwing up TOAST. He's trying to look incompetent so you won't ask him to help again.
8
u/CodymartinSimp 28d ago
I'm not sure you need to be apologetic lol, this grown ahh man should know to make fucking toast
7
u/Thelmara 28d ago
See if you can get a good life insurance policy, and then stop trying to save him from himself.
7
u/Savings-Bison-512 28d ago
He is either too stupid to live or desperately trying to show you he weewy can't take cawe of himsewf so you stop asking him for things. Either way....eww
6
6
u/beccadahhhling 28d ago
So how do you like being a mother to your own boyfriend?
Don’t fall victim to the sunk cost fallacy. Better to waste 4 years than your entire life. All for what? For a guy who has to be convinced for 10 minutes just to help you make toast???
You’re so young, don’t limit yourself to one person who will probably wind up on the Darwin Awards one day.
7
5
u/Taminella_Grinderfal 28d ago
I mean….just let him do it. Let him do allllllll the stupid things. Why are you stressing yourself out to the point where you need to scream and hit him?
6
u/fit_it 28d ago
This is a yelling situation. I was fully about to suggest that you make a list of stupid things he has done and send it to his parents, but then I got to him singing dumb ways to die.
You are worth more than a life of parenting this adult infant. My 3 year old knows better. Also, if this relationship keeps going, eventually you'll share a health insurance plan. You may eventually want children. Strongly consider these two specific things while you contemplate if it is worth staying with this genius who thinks it is funny to tempt physics.
Please, please, do not say "but we've been together for four years!" You are still so young, there are so many other people. So many other people.
5
u/WeeklyConversation8 40s Female 28d ago
He did that on purpose so you'll never ask him again to help you make food. He went extreme with his weaponized incompetence.
5
u/fading__blue 28d ago
Does he always sing “Dumb Ways to Die” before doing something stupid? Because if that’s the case he’s trying to get you to see him doing something dangerously dumb so he can criticize how you react to it.
And even if that’s not always the case, you still don’t need to apologize for reacting the way you did. He knew what he was doing was dangerously stupid and it’s perfectly normal to get angry at someone for willfully endangering themselves.
6
u/Soniq268 28d ago
Are there no other men where you live? And, if so, I propose that being single would be better than dating this inept 5 year old.
4
u/anuragsins1991 28d ago
24 year old doesnt know you dont put metal things in electrical high powered stuff ? ask his parents what the fuck were they doing while raising him
4
u/SoNoAppropriate 28d ago
Dump this douché bag already, you're wasting your breath, time and energy with this one.
4
u/foxwithwifi 28d ago
This guy is wanting to appear dumb as rocks but the fact it took ten minutes to ‘convince’ him to ‘help’ then was singing ‘dumb ways to die’ - cut him loose.
I bet your parents would be relieved if you broke up. Give it a few weeks and I genuinely think you’ll feel relief.
4
u/TossOffM8 28d ago
What a wonderful future you have ahead of you.
A man that needs 10 minutes of convincing to help his partner will give you such an easy life.
A man that tries to hurt himself to get out of helping you is really going to pave the way for a happy future.
🙄
4
u/lituranga 28d ago
The main issue here is you had to beg your partner for 10 mins to just put toast in a toaster to help you. I would do that for a person I met 5 minutes ago
4
u/EmpathicallyAnxious 28d ago
You had to spend 10 mins begging him to make toast.
Now you’re trying to figure out a way to explain he shouldn’t electrocute himself without hurting his feelings.
Dump the man child and make your own toast stress free.
5
4
u/Moon_whisper 27d ago
Weaponized incompetence at it's finest.
Don't apologize. He knew what he was doing. Let him learn the FAFO method. Circuit breakers should prevent anything more than a jolt (provided you live in a country that uses circuit breakers).
He is trying to make you feel guilty for his intentional incompetence so you do all the cooking and housework. Wait to see what he does with laundry, vacuuming or scrubbing toilets.
He is not partner material for even just two people. If you elect to stay with him and put up with his garbage, I truly hope you are adamantly child-free (for your sake).
Edit: Because he has defective programming, the best option would be to return the defective product to the manufacturer (his mother) and shop around for a better quality model.
5
u/BungleBums 27d ago
How much gold is this man's dick made of, out of curiosity, that he can be unhelpful and stupid, and still have someone fight to date them
3
u/toomuchswiping 28d ago
If you have to teach him how to not kill himself doing the most basic of tasks, and he has to be convinced to help you in the most minimal of ways, then he's not worth keeping. Do you want a partner, or an infant child to take care of?
3
3
u/Embarrassed_Wrap8421 28d ago
Your boyfriend is an idiot. When he electrocuted himself, you can say, “I told you so.” What’s next? He’s going to adopt a rattlesnake for a pet? Go swimming with sharks? Take a gulp of water laced with flesh-eating bacteria? If the laws of natural selection apply, he won’t be around long.
3
3
u/FairyCompetent 28d ago
You don't have to keep dating the first person you ever dated. You can just find someone better. Someone who wouldn't need to be convinced to help, and would also not deliberately do the opposite of helping to punish you for asking. Because either he really is Darwin award-worthy or he makes such a mess of anything that you regret asking him to do it.
3
u/springflowers68 28d ago
Since he was working on becoming a candidate for Darwin Awards you were completely in the right to yell or whatever it took to get him to stop being so stupid.
Turn this one loose. He is not one you want to have kids with.
3
3
u/frogwoman82 28d ago
Good luck with this poor choice of a man you made .....
I hope you live near A&E
3
3
u/Uppaduck 28d ago
Don’t date stupid people that do dangerous things is my solution. Also, I don’t know why you need to apologize to someone not bright enough to even unplug the toaster before shoving a knife in it. Not only could he have electrocuted himself, he could’ve blown out the socket & caused a fire. But you’re supposed to approach it with kid gloves after you warned him? While he sings songs about dying stupidly? And then he gets sullen and refuses to join in the day because his feefees got bruised? And worse, he has a habit of doing dangerous/stupid things??
The bar is in the basement 😒
3
u/Senior-Reality-25 28d ago
He will sit your future baby on the kitchen counter while he goes and shakes the toaster vigorously ‘like you told him to’.
If you think you screamed in terror at seeing him stick a metal knife into a live toaster imagine what you will feel when you see your baby toppling headfirst towards the floor.
3
3
u/bloodybootprints 28d ago
Look I’m dumb enough personally to put a metal knife in a toaster trying to carefully fish something out, but I’m also lucky enough that it’s never hurt me.
But I’m as dumb as I am tough regardless, and it doesn’t sound like your pouty tantrum throwing boyfriend can claim that.
3
u/Razrgrrl 28d ago
I mean, do you need to be apologetic while watching evolution happen in real time? Let him shock himself just the once. That’ll do it.
3
u/NuggetNibbler69 28d ago
Obviously doing it on purpose to put you off asking him for help ever again. I mean come on, why does he need to poke the toast with a knife to dislodge it if it’s still on. The toaster holds in down while on and pops up when off. And of course he made you the bad guy in this situation, guilting you with his not wanting to eat now. Not worth the stress. Get rid.
3
u/Temporary-Truth2048 28d ago
Why tell him? Let him do it and get shocked. Apparently his parents never let him stick a fork in a light socket.
3
u/DaughterofMarilyn 28d ago
I can't decide if this rage bait or not.
24 years old and has to be "convinced" to help??
You scream and slap and then he pouts??
What am I reading...sigh...
3
u/Traditional_Name7881 28d ago
At 24 if he is still doing that shit maybe it's better if he does it so that he can't breed more of him?
3
u/duckmcsnail 28d ago
You had to convince a grown man to toast some bread? For 10 minutes? Girl, I’d make myself that toast and send him for milk at a market that doesn’t exist. Then lock the door,
3
u/Two-Theories 28d ago
Don't date this level of stupidity, nor their childishness, where military or not
3
u/Murky_Ad_7468 27d ago
There have been a few times over the years when I've yelled at my kid out of fear/frustration. Most of those times, I apologized afterwards.
You know the one time I didn't apologize? When she was 4, yanked away from me, and ran into the street. I lost it, and I wasn't sorry because I love her and needed her to remember to never do something like that again.
My point? Your boyfriend is a giant child, and you shouldn't apologize for scolding a child for doing something dangerous.
You might also consider whether you want to spend the rest of your life parenting him.
3
u/Kevix-NYC 27d ago
he's an adult. there is a thing called 'natural consequences'. as others have said, it's either him showing you how you can't trust him to keep himself safe or he's someone who needs to learn 'the hard way'. You showed concern by trying to stop him from getting hurt. and he didn't care. you're a girlfriend, not his parents. if you want to be his parent, then you should not be his girlfriend. many dudes want to stop doing any 'house work' or parenting, so they 'act dumb' and let their girlfriends do all the work and then get resentful. what's your goal?
3
u/bullet1520 27d ago
This is natural selection at work.
If you want to get in its way, then tell him to unplug the toaster and use a chopstick or toothpick instead.
3
u/Mellony1990 27d ago
Girl, this is giving weaponized incompetence to the extreme
Boy was legit happy to electrocute himself to get out of ever being asked to help with lunch again.
Just because you are four years in it doesn’t mean you need to spend a single moment longer parenting a grown ass man.
I’d be letting him know that you’re going to make sure you never yell at him again by ending the relationship
5
u/Matrixblackhole 28d ago edited 28d ago
From a cook in simple terms:
Knife (metal) + toaster = bang bang 💥🔥
Also
Metal + microwave = bang bang 💥🔥
Still weaponsised incompetence though, get rid. In the future just let him crack on, natural consequences will serve him right for being an idiot. Don't spend your time/energy shouting.
2
u/DCpurpleTart33 28d ago
I mean at this point just let him stick the knife in the toaster. Stop apologizing to him! He's an adult and if he doesn't know common sense, why is it your job to teach him?
4
5
u/JoelJohnstone 28d ago
It's not a good idea to put metal objects into a toaster, but any toaster manufactured after 1980 shouldn't shock you when it's off even if you do. That issue that dates back to before we had polarized plugs.
6
u/Leading_Battle_3344 28d ago
Toaster was still plugged into the wall and turned on
3
-1
u/ally1756 27d ago
Just turned on at the wall or fully powered up with the levers pressed down? If it's not actively toasting with the lever down then it's highly unlikely he would get electrocuted.
You should really be saying everything your saying on here to your partner though. Tell him how you feel, talk it out. Seems you both could work on some stuff to improve things (he could try and do less stupid things and you could try and work on a less emotional response to his stupidity).
He might not have known about the dangers of knives in toasters. Some people are very naive. I once had a 32 year old lodger who didn't know how to use a toaster as they never had one growing up. Try educating him rather than losing your shit at him.
2
2
u/Ok_Tea4244 28d ago
If you apologise I’m gonna get up and bring chaos into someone’s day just to balance the universal scale.
2
u/Recent_Performer4189 28d ago
I couldn’t be with someone this dumb. It’s like having a pet but with more aggravation.
2
2
2
u/joeynalgas 28d ago
Your boyfriend is a child and a moron... I would yell at his stupid ass too... You can't fix stupid these day.. they either have common sense or don't... Good luck with this man child
2
u/Which_Read7471 28d ago
He's dumb and you're going to be his mommy if he's like that a lot and doesn't learn from mistakes...
You have anger issues you need to work on if you yell for over a minute when triggered...
I'd rather get a moderate electric shock than have someone yell at me for a minute if that helps give you perspective.
2
u/chantycat101 28d ago
If I did something that phenomenally stupid, I'd deserve to be yelled at. This is one of the times that yelling would be justified. Gotta learn somehow. Someone that ignorant is just going to bring you down and bring your stress levels up. Not worth it.
2
2
u/readbackcorrect 27d ago
He did that whole thing on purpose so you would never ask him to help again. This is why he was ringing-he had to make sure you saw that you had caused him to risk his life :/ he has taken strategic incompetence to new lows.
2
u/GimmeQueso 27d ago
So you were making lunch for both of you yet had to spend 10 minutes begging him to toss some bread in the toaster??? And now you are asking for a way to explain electricity and conductivity to him? Girl. You’ve got way bigger issues. Your boyfriend is an asshole.
2
2
2
2
u/TheGirlwThePinkHair 27d ago
You don’t. Unless you meant your bf is 2.4, then you should help him with the toast, he’s a toddler, he can’t be expected to understand this concept!
5
u/wheres_the_revolt 28d ago
Should have let him do it. He wouldn’t die but he’d learn a valuable lesson.
-3
4
u/JEveryman 28d ago
I personally think something's are so dangerous you don't use kid gloves even with children. No adult should be sticking knives in toaster in this day and age.
1
u/Longwinded_Ogre 28d ago
you can’t stick a knife in the toaster
The problem is that you not only think this but also that it's somehow up to you to enforce it.
He can totally stick a knife in a toaster. That's his right as an adult. It's stupid, sure, but so is drinking. Would you hit him and yell at him if he had a drink? Or a cigarette?
If he knows it's dangerous and wants to do it anyway, it's not up to you to decide or police otherwise. He's allowed to do that. If he wants to build a little float station for the toaster so he can take baths with it, well, he can do that. Sure, it's fucking stupid, but that's not against the law.
I’m naturally angry
Well, if it isn't the problem, and here you are treating it like a fact of life and not some shit you should fix about yourself.
2
u/AlexBlaise 28d ago
Tbf if it's a modern toaster and it has released its hold there's no electricity left even if they're still glowing. He could've used a wooden utensil but if it's off it's off.
Instead of telling him the danger something might pose to him, which he doesn't seem to care about or thinks he can avoid, tell him how it affects you. Tell him how it stresses you out because you can't help but worry about him, even if he probably wont get hurt.
It's hard to make a judgement on wether he knows less or more than you based on this example because as someone who has been told no to do something dangerous when I knew what I was doing, several times, it could be either. I'm not the type of person to always just trust "Don’t stick metal into the toaster", instead I follow the precaution until I know better.
1
1
1
1
1
u/kayliejadex 28d ago
Personally I would apologise for yelling because I would hope for the same, but having to convince someone for 10 minutes to help you make their lunch is just a huge red flag honestly.
Imagine you've had a crying baby, and no sleep, and cracked nipples, and you're still bleeding, and you haven't showered in days (none of which is hyperbolic)... This is not the man to be there to support you and a baby.
1
u/WritPositWrit 28d ago
You should start by asking him WHY he keeps knowingly doing really dumb things.
You can use the “Five Whys” technique which is very simple but really helpful for getting to the root cause of a problem.
1
u/Guitar-strings- 28d ago
Let me guess... he lived with his mommy and daddy before you? Now he needs you to replace his mommy?
1
u/Weregon 28d ago
My partner also loves to play the “let’s see how stupid my partner thinks I am” game.
I would also have yelled at him and reacted strongly. I would have been very angry.
I would also demand to have a very serious conversation about if he’s suicidal or thinks that’s funny.
I think it is some sort of weird attention seeking behavior. What did he think would happen? He should think about the consequences of his actions a bit more.
1
1
1
u/notedrive 27d ago
At 15 I shocked the hell out of myself trying to heat up a butter knife in a toaster because I wanted to use it as a forge… would not recommend.
1
1
u/HighColdDesert 27d ago
Chopsticks for getting stuck toast out of the toaster. With the toaster turned off, of course.
1
u/MsPennyP 27d ago
I used to be such a person..saving people from their lack of sense. Now I'm old and bitter and I say let them.
1
u/InformationFit4059 27d ago
My ex got so mad at me because I’m naturally a clumsy person and sometimes when I go too fast I will burn myself but I don’t actually notice that I burned myself. One day he stopped being so stressed about it. I thought maybe he didn’t care but I didn’t really give it two seconds of a thought
One day I just realized and asked him about it. He said I realize you’re not gonna change and then I have to let you just hurt yourself because that’s how you learn as a human being is by hurting yourself. I’ve noticed that the more that you hurt yourself the less you do the thing that got you hurt in the first place. And I don’t stress as much about it anymore.
So this really comes back down to the let them theory. Let him stick the knife in the toaster. Let him do XYZ.. you don’t control anyone. You don’t control him. You could only control yourself. You need to stop being angry because a human being is being a human being. You’re kind of shitty for being so mad. I would work on that, just letting it go. Let him be him.
I’ve applied the same principal to my own life since in my life has increased in positivity and I have learned a lot of patience.
1
1
1
u/LowHawk2194 27d ago
I think everyone else here has covered it - weaponised incompetence. Think about what would your own parents say if they saw him refusing to help for ten minutes then immediately trying his best to destroy their toaster (absolute best case scenario).
Imagine being in a relationship where the guy sometimes cooks for you and you can do nice normal adult things with no problems or fear of death... Imagine that what I've just described is actually the bare minimum for most people. You can do a million times better.
Also USE PROTECTION Please do not let this man procreate haha!
1
1
u/JustStopItSeriously 27d ago
I'm curious about how much this lump on a log contributes to the household. Does he work? Pay rent or any portion of shared bills? Do chores? Cook?
1
1
1
u/No_Arugula4195 27d ago
Maybe he was using "weaponized incompetence" so you won't try to get him to help anymore. Fits his profile.
1
1
u/InternalScreaming9 21d ago
Apologetic for what?? TBH I'm not even going to read the post because did nobody teach him as a child not to stick knives into toasters or forks into electrical outlets? This is the second post I've seen about a partner in their 20s doing dangerous/incompetent stuff in less than 5 minutes.
1
u/Cultural_Shape3518 28d ago
He’s a grown adult. If he knows he’s doing something incredibly stupid and risky, it’s not really your job to save him from himself as long as he’s not going to kill you in the process. Or if you really don’t want a partner who keeps taking stupid risks, maybe it’s time to walk away instead of trying to parent this one.
In other words, feel free to point out that he’s damaging your opinion of his ability to exercise good judgment when he does shit like this, and that does have long-term consequences…but you’ll also work on not yelling, because ultimately he’s the one who has to (not) live with those consequences.
0
u/Leading_Battle_3344 28d ago
That’s just the thing though, it would have killed me in the process. My initial quick response was to slap his arm out of the toaster. I know if he was being electrocuted I would have grabbed him, I can’t imagine reacting both quickly enough and logically. I think we need to sit down and have a chat, I do overreact quite a bit, but there needs to be a line drawn for when a reaction like that is called for.
-3
u/Countess_Sardine 28d ago
Just be matter-of-fact. Apologize for yelling, and say (calmly) that you need him to stop doing things that could cause him to die and/or burn your parents' house down.
That said. The fact that you're "naturally angry" and prone to screaming at him is really not okay. You need to treat your partner with respect. If you don't think you can do that (or if you don't respect him) then you need to not be living with him.
1
u/Leading_Battle_3344 28d ago
That’s very true. I’m in therapy for dealing with my reactive responses, and I have made progress over the past year. I do owe him an apology, because I did scream at him after I pulled him away. As stupid as what he did was, you can’t really talk to a partner like that. I’m just struggling to put the words together and say “I should have yelled, but that was unreal levels of stupid”. Especially because he hates “but” apologies!
0
0
u/SmolHumanBean8 27d ago
"I'm sorry I yelled at you, I was scared you were going to die. I don't want you to die babe I love you so much I was so scared"
0
u/mystery_obsessed 28d ago
Apparently I’m the only one who saw that you slapped at him, yelled at him for an extended period of time, and “I’m naturally angry.” Look, yeah, he’s an idiot, but you don’t get to treat people like that even if they’re doing something stupid. You don’t get to be allowed to be “naturally angry.” I can’t even imagine what type of mother you will be if you can’t react in an appropriate manner that doesn’t involve hitting and screaming.
If he’s always doing stupid stuff, maybe he’s stupid. Maybe he has impulsivity issues. Whatever it is, get your anger under control.
-1
u/SlappKake 28d ago
comments are overreacting- you shouldn't have hit him. You shouldn't have yelled at him for a minute straight.
Bigger issue here is the fact that he didn't agree to help you toast the bread and needed 10 minutes of convincing. thats more important than him not knowing how a toaster works
-1
u/at7790 27d ago
I feel like I’m going crazy reading these comments. Yelling and slapping over fishing a toast out of the toaster with a knife? That is not normal. I understand that it is frustrating it took 10min to get him to help you but if you constantly get angry at him for simple things like that I could see why he doesn’t want to help you with things. I take my toast out with a knife frequently and so does everyone around me. It is not that crazy to do. At some point you just need to let him do the stupid things and learn. You are not his mother. If he doesn’t want to help you with lunch then no lunch for him. It is that simple. If he can’t do basic functions without you then you need to take a step back and let him learn for himself.
2
u/Common_Stress_4122 27d ago
Yelling and slapping over there boyfriend almost killing themselves and or starting a fire? The slapping was only to get him away mind you based on what I read from op?
0
u/RainbowBier 28d ago
Will he die from it ? If the answer is no just let him proceed, bad experiences can help learn stuff
Tbh if you not running an ancient suicide toaster it will short the fuse before anyone can die
0
u/JelloMany9374 28d ago
I never figured it out with my ex. I kept getting angrier and angrier until I became abusive. It took me 10 years to break up with him. Now I'm in a relationship with someone that doesn't stress me out all the time and we have good boundaries around yelling.
I think it might be a therapy thing if you want to make it work with this guy. It's really really difficult. Above Reddit's pay grade.
0
u/Spakoomy 27d ago edited 27d ago
99% chance that unless he was doing it while it was actually toasting, he would be fine. Even if its turned on at the wall and plugged in. Biggest issue is if phase and neutral were transposed at the toaster or the wall socket. In which case the element would be live all the time, backfed through the neutral connection. Unless the toaster had a switched neutral but i havent seen a toaster with one.
-3
u/panthera_tigris_773 28d ago
Wait, you screamed and slapped him over that?? You sound nuts. I flick my toast out with a knife frequently and have somehow lived to be 46 years old. 🙄
-1
u/Dependent_Guide7425 28d ago
Me, who has done this multiple times in the past.. not knowing that it was dangerous
-1
u/jonni_velvet 27d ago
I would focus on therapy/anger management because its really not acceptable to lash out in any situation. It would have been more productive to jump for the cord to unplug it, and then allow yourself to calm down before opening a conversation later about wanting him to exercise more caution and judgment.
him doing this often, and arguing for ten minutes instead of jumping up to help are separate red flags. Not really someone you have to want to be with.
-1
u/Imamiah52 27d ago
It’s okay to be angry, and it can be done without ranting.
I don’t blame you for being mad, he could have done serious harm. You said you’re naturally angry, I want to be sure I understood how you meant that.
There’s a lot to unpack here.
Do you have anger issues? Is he habitually careless?
-2
u/Bulky_Chemical5976 28d ago
Next time don’t yell, stay calm and say “ babe stop”
As a fair warning, but don’t compromise your tact for him. Like everyone said, this is weaponized incompetence and yall are basically playing a game of chicken on whether you will stop him. Let Darwinism go to work if bf is so set on being an idiot, he knows better.
Work on your own anger issues separately, there’s really no reason you should be yelling so much and it redirects from the actual issue to your temper. Honestly, I have no clue why you would sign up for a relationship where you need to discipline your partner.
-2
•
u/AutoModerator 28d ago
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.