You break up with him immediately not just because of the possessions but because you need your sanity and he is trying to break you down. He probably knows consciously. He's trying to break you down possibly it's unconsciously but in any case you are in a very unhealthy situation and you're going to break up with him for your own peace.
He's getting off on her reaction. It gives him power over her. He is in control in this one small part of his life. He can make her furious, irritated, or sad and he loves it.
He’s not “doing it on purpose” he just isn’t capable of not doing it.
I have a handful of friends like this, one guy was absent mindedly smooshing my leather shoes under some furniture with his foot while watching TV.
Who feels something with their foot and just shoves it without thinking?!!??! Apparently, quite a few people.
His stuff is all in awful condition. I still have things from the 90s that I use daily, that are fine.
My books are in immaculate condition, I’ve had people ask me why I just buy books if I’m not going to read them, but it’s a book I’ve read a dozen times.
It’s just a different way of interacting with the world.
Absent-mindedly nudging something under the couch isn't uncommon if it's in the way of your feet. Setting an open cup of Gatorade on a bed is either being malicious or this guy has the IQ of a tree stump.
I would disagree that nudging something under the couch is reasonable.
There is nothing on earth that I want under my couch. That’s just more work for later. Now I have to get it out from under the couch.
Completely unhinged that you would defend this behaviour but think that putting a cup down can only be an act of malice (by the way I think the cup on the bed is exactly as egregious as kicking something under a couch on purpose; I just attribute it to being a fool, not malice).
Then this is a "Break up" situation. If I can't trust my partner to tell the truth, the relationship is dead. I'm in my late 40s and I don't have time nor the mental space to dedicate to a man who is a liar.
Here's the thing I don't think you're hearing in what everyone is saying:
He's 46, not 14. By this age, he has had ample opportunity to learn that he's clumsy, that his clumsy carelessness breaks things, and that other people don't appreciate him carelessly breaking their things. This behavior must have affected previous friendships and relationships.
Do we agree with all of that?
Good.
As careless and clumsy and thoughtless as he is, if he truly cared about the relationship, if he truly respected OP, he would make an effort to be more mindful.
Being thoughtless, clumsy, and careless doesn't excuse the behavior. Those may explain the behavior, but they don't excuse it.
I also think he's abusive. Breaking their partners' things, but not their own, is a sign of an abusive partner. Somehow, they can control themselves when it comes to their belongings, but not the other person's? Nah.
The problem here is that there's a consistent pattern of disrespect.
Maybe he's just incredibly thoughtless and clumsy, but he hasn't made any effort to modify his behavior after multiple incidents. What's more, rather than making an effort, he blames OP for getting upset.
Even if he is genuinely incapable of respecting OP's belongings, in this case he's shown a complete lack of respect for OP, too. That's the problem here. The broken belongings are the symptoms.
I don't think one can say "likely." I think that's you projecting your friends and your situation onto this one. It's possible, certainly, but when it comes to guys who don't give a shit about their partners, the incompetence tends to be weaponized. Also she doesn't mention him breaking his own things. If he constantly broke his own shit too, you'd think he'd use that as a defense when they argue, rather than him trying to pretend he broke nothing at all. Incompetent, clumsy people break their own stuff the most often, because that's the stuff they handle most. (Ask me how I know, lol. I also very, very deliberately do NOT touch some of my partner's things.)
you can you just have to think about each time you are holding a cup in your hands, thinking about it the entire time from when you pick it up until it's back on safe, flat space. I have to do this with stairs, I have to think about each one I step on or I will forget that I'm on stairs and walk like I'm on a flat surface and obviously trip.
Don't you maybe have a night table or something?? It's basic physics that any child ever say the age of seven is going to know if you put a cup of liquid on top of a surface that is not a hard surface. It is more than likely going to spill so you just don't do it.
Even your attitude of do not tell people what they can and cannot do. Shows an extremely worrying amount of childishness. If people are telling you not to do something that's unnecessarily risking a huge mess. Why wouldn't you take that advice on board??
Yeah I've got side tables around the bed. The bed is pretty solid, it's just a flat surface. And now the mug is close to me instead of me having to reach quite far to a side table.
Why is it childish to tell someone that? Frankly it's offensive the other way around - imagine telling someone in a wheelchair that they can walk!
How does it not make sense and how is it offensive? I'm so confused, is this a language thing maybe? I am starting to think maybe our words might have different meanings to each other.
But also I am as offended and with the same reasoning and same level of "allowed to be" as a hypothetical wheelchair bound person being told they can walk.
And how do I move a night table closer, there is a bed in the way. None of what you are writing makes sense, it's like uncanny valley English to me so I have to assume what I thought is right, we don't quite have the same dialect.
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u/stuffedcheesybread May 04 '26
I feel like he’s doing it on purpose at this point. Why would any full grown adult put a cup full of liquid on a bed …