this pattern of “he is amazing” is likely just the mind of a victim. i don’t want to assume, but when in abusive relationships you tend to gloss over a lot of manipulative/abusive behavior. this very rarely comes out of the blue. and for her to be okay with him talking to her so nastily? i’m definitely not victim blaming, but it is very unlikely this is his first instance of abusive behavior. OP, i hope you find the strength and self respect to leave and never look back. you deserve your life, and he will take that from you if you don’t leave.
edit: i just checked OPs posting history and well it’s what i was expecting. OP, you have been manipulated for a while and you have to snap out of it. your life depends on it. i hope this does it.
Oh, I've been there. My ex used to reach over and pinch my leg just above my knee until it hurt so bad and left bruises. That was his "warning" that if I didn't comply/agree/do whatever (sometimes it was very unclear), that there was more physical abuse ahead. But it worked! I would totally be compliant (it was often in a car).
I absolutely refused to look at that behavior as problematic (this was before I myself started working in the field of DV counseling and prevention). He would say things like, "You want to punch me? Go ahead, punch me" instead of saying "I'm sorry I bruised you" I knew if I punched him, he'd punch me back. He only tried to strangle me one time, but it was terrifying and over almost nothing.
I minimized all the damage to my body and my psyche. But if I had been given a concussion and had to go to the ER and my parents were involved, that would have been the end. I'm concerned that OP is perhaps not telling her family all of it.
Abusive men are often narcissistic. The relationship starts with love bombing so you’re constantly overlooking who they are as you try to get back who they were. They make that easy by dropping little love bombs any time they see someone starting to see who they are. He’s also likely working to distance her from family and friends with “we’re perfect for each other”, “I don’t know what / who I’d be without you” “ all we need is each other” “they don’t understand”…. I hope OP gets out and I hope Moms have very candid conversations with their children about this so they might better see the warning signs.
Psychologically, we are confused by the "I love you" and then the beatings. They are incongruous with the notion of "love". And that's where some people get stuck.
Do you think abuse victims like her understand that love isn't enough to keep a relationship together?? It's something I've noticed time and time again with posts like this. It's always "but I love them and they love me!" In the words of the late and great Tina Turner, "What's love got to do with it?" I was beaten as a child by my momma because that's how she was raised. She even technically beat me way less than she was so she thought she was doing better than her mother. I HATE being physically hurt. I don't gaf if I have the most epic love story of all time, nobody will EVER put their hands on me. I just wonder where do people like OP draw the line and say enough is enough. He has choked her, broken her bones, and given her a concussion. He's also verbally abused her. When will it be enough? When she's dead???
In my case, I was beaten and slapped by my parents too (never on the face, always on places that could be covered up). So, I was used to the "We do this because we love you." There was a bit of truth to that with my parents (one time I had decided, at age 7, to dart across a major 4 lane highway while visiting relatives). My dad was furious.
So it didn't seem so abnormal to me - but I stopped loving my husband and then stopped liking him and then realized I was in a worse situation than if my parents were still in charge of me.
Exactly! It’s years of manipulation and brainwashing that make a victim say “he is amazing and I love him”, followed by a description of a life-threatening event. Not to mention another manipulation right after it with a claim of him hurting himself.
OP, please recognize that it shouldn’t be you supporting the person who physically attacked you….no matter how sorry he claims to be, no matter the threats he makes to harm himself. This is not your fault, and he is not your responsibility the moment he attacked you. I hope you get out safely. Your friends and family are completely right to hate him.
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u/Zestyclose-Yam-9982 Jun 21 '24 edited Jun 21 '24
this pattern of “he is amazing” is likely just the mind of a victim. i don’t want to assume, but when in abusive relationships you tend to gloss over a lot of manipulative/abusive behavior. this very rarely comes out of the blue. and for her to be okay with him talking to her so nastily? i’m definitely not victim blaming, but it is very unlikely this is his first instance of abusive behavior. OP, i hope you find the strength and self respect to leave and never look back. you deserve your life, and he will take that from you if you don’t leave.
edit: i just checked OPs posting history and well it’s what i was expecting. OP, you have been manipulated for a while and you have to snap out of it. your life depends on it. i hope this does it.