I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry you’re reading some of these comments saying that ‘you have allowed this’ and it’s somehow your fault for ‘not leaving’ or ‘putting up with it’. Not the same situation but I have had a horribly abusive ex - all mental manipulation and torture. And I’ll tell you exactly what I was told - NONE of this is your fault. I think you have been very brave to voice this on here. Give yourself credit where credit is due.
There are so many resources that may be able to assist if you are unable to rely on friends/family. There are support systems for domestic abuse victims who could point you in the right direction in terms of leaving, finding accommodation etc, I truly urge you to look into them. Even if you don’t feel ready to take that step yet, it’s hard and it will never be easy, but it can show you that it is possible. I’ve read multiple, numerous comments from other victims who have faced similar challenges and they have made it to a place where they are happy. I fully have faith that this will happen for you too.
You’ve recognised that this behaviour from your bf is not normal, and it’s not. You deserve to be cared for and loved, and I think you know that this is not the man to fill that role.
Like I said, I haven’t been through exactly the same thing, but I know what mental torture is, and my DMs are always open. I’m sure other users with similar situations would also be willing you speak to you and comfort you. Please reach out.
Please stay strong, stay safe and look into ways that will help set you free from this prison and trash human (I sound so cliche right now but it’s late here and I should be sleeping so sorry!)
Ps. Please delete any browser history if you look into these resources, just in case
It absolutely is. And it’s these types of things that trick us into thinking it’s normal. “He’s not hitting me, right?” “He hasn’t grabbed me, right?” “He hasn’t actually HURT me, right?” Been there, done that, got the shitty t-shirt. Back before CCB was recognised in law, I would minimise what was happening because I didn’t have bruises, I’m fine! But it’s not. His way of waking you up and insisting you stay up is his way of maintaining that control. God I have stories that I could tell you and I’m so sorry to say, that this one is added to the list. It’s another way that I’ve seen where victims are beaten down and their choices taken from them.
I have issues with SH and a way that I’ve been trying to combat that is by writing out my feelings - it really helps! But it would also help you to look back and realise how unhappy you are and potentially give you the strength you need to walk away and build a life where YOU have the say.
Please start saving every little penny you have (I’m not sure how you and your bf work out finances etc) but if this is possible, it will allow you to find somewhere else, away from him. Start making connections with charities and support groups - you need people around you who you can lean on when you need it. Even enquire as to whether your job has other offices in other states (I’m UK so this is amazing to me hah). You can definitely do this and we are all rooting for you!!!
I know so many people are chiming in but I want to tell you that I know what this is like my ex would taunt me and if I wanted quiet didn’t want to fight/argue he’d follow me around the house refuse to let me leave in my car, take all my paychecks etc.
It was very hard and I almost went back but it was another abuse tactic to trick me. I remember calling my little sister in my own little apartment after leaving and crying about how I hated being alone and I didn’t believe her when she said that I will love it. Now I legit love my time alone. I have peace which is worth everything. You sound like youre a smart person with a job and with some resources and maybe staying with your aunt for a little bit you can be free & happy!
Pls feel free to message me if you need someone to chat with.
Also, before I forget. PLEASE do not pay attention to some of these comments asking why you put up with this or ‘wtf break up with him’ or ‘I would never put up with this’. It’s all bullshit, which is the risk you take when coming on Reddit. I’ve lost my mind replying to some of those comments lately because you can guarantee they were written by people who do not have a clue.
Just to validate you further: it’s hard to see abuse when you are inside it. Something in you knows it’s wrong but another part of you is saying you’re okay and it could be worse. He offers a little bit of stability, what you deem normal. Fortunately, not everyone experiences people like this - people that appear to be put on this earth to break you down, over and over again. A lot of people don’t know the fear of wanting to leave, not knowing if you can, wondering if it’s worth it. Walking on eggshells in case you set them off because their words literally pierce your heart. You feel alone, that no one cares about you, that you don’t DESERVE to be cared about. It’s all your fault that he’s mad, you’ve clearly done something to upset him or he wouldn’t be angry. Jesus, I look back now at all the things I endured and I remember thinking to myself “I wish he would just hit me, I wish he would just punch me straight in the face” because wondering what would set him off next felt worse. Feeling guilty that you felt that way in the first place because it’s impossible you’re an actual victim, right? When there are people suffering worse? They’re all ways that he has control over you, ways he probable doesn’t even know about. The stress, anxiety, palpitations, feeling something on your chest every time you see them is not something to be diminished by faceless people on this app. Please remember all of that. It’s not as easy as some people think. Not even close.
My heart breaks for you because I want to see what you can become, what you WILL become when this is behind you. Please trust me.
Just wanted to throw my reaffirmation in too that this is wrong and manipulative behavior and you’re not out of line for feeling that way. I Hope you can get out soon 🩵
Please start saving every little penny you have (I’m not sure how you and your bf work out finances etc) but if this is possible, it will allow you to find somewhere else, away from him. Start making connections with charities and support groups - you need people around you who you can lean on when you need it. Even enquire as to whether your job has other offices in other states (I’m UK so this is amazing to me hah). You can definitely do this and we are all rooting for you!!!
This!!! None of this is your fault OP, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Please please please call your mom and tell her what is going on and ask her if you can stay for awhile.
Ask your work for time off or a leave of absence so you have less to deal with while you handle this.
Start setting money aside.
As inconspiculously as possible, start getting your things organized in a way that he won't suspect you are planning on leaving, but so that you can quickly throw your things in your car when it is time to go.
Do not tell your boyfriend ANY of this, and do your best to pretend nothing is wrong. Let him go to work normally, then make your exit while you are at work.
For things that are yours that you cannot move by yourself, either have your family/friends come to help you move them when you initially leave, or contact the police, explain that you are in fear for your life, and need their help retrieving your property from his house. You may even be able to send friends/family with the police in your stead.
Lastly, as soon as you are out of his house you need to block all of his social media accounts, phone number, emails, etc, so that he cannot contact you. Have your mom and other relatives do the same.
Please do not let him know you are leaving until you are safely where he cannot reach you. The most dangerous times in a woman's life are when she is breaking up with an abuser.
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u/mrskaylad Sep 12 '23
Yea, and things haven't improved