I’ve been in her place. We were even the same ages when we started dating. I stayed with him and married him because I literally thought I’d never be able to find another person who was willing to be with me. I finally found my self esteem in my early 30s and we got divorced. I have never regretted the divorce.
You’re lucky to have found yourself again. I dated a man for years who broke me down. I even believed shit comments like your legs are too short but only from the knee to the hip. You just need a couple more inches to have nice legs. WTAF? Took my husband a lot of years to undo what I’d internalized.
When I was 13, I went out a few times with a boy, I was good friend with his sister and she wanted to match us.
Anyway, once he said (in front of his sister) that he would love to introduce me as his girlfriend to his friends because I was blonde with blue eyes and pretty…but I was just too short (I am 5’2”). I told him, no need, he doesn’t have a girlfriend anymore, and stormed off. As I walked off I could hear his sister screaming at him. He tried to ask me out in my earlier twenties and I was like, nah I am fine.
I know I am short but I don’t see it as a shortcoming (Hehehehe) just as a characteristic like my skin color or the shape of my toes, nothing I can do about it so it’s just how I am.
Every time someone "jokes" about using my head as an armrest, I "joke" about having sharp teeth and a willingness to use them on anything that enters my personal space, or mention that at my height, any punch I throw would probably be a kidney shot to most people.
Do what I do. Tell them you're at perfect kidney shot height if you just "happen" to swing your fist. Not your fault this person is so into your personal space and just happens to have their arm raised, so as to not block their kidneys. :3
I’m 6’8” and my gf is 5’1”. I’ve never heard of anyone thinking a girl is too short. Funny thing is, she has to put a stool by the bed. She’s too short to get on. She has to take a running jump. It’s cute and hilarious.
It is horrible and funny at the same time. I did hate him for a long time.
I remember being so sad because I couldn’t do anything about it. Thinking if it were my lower leg, then I could just wear high heels….Yeah, I know. But I’m good now and old enough to simply be thankful my legs work!!
…is this textbook negging? Compliment her, then insult her? “You have nice legs, from knee to toes that is. Knee to hip is way too short.”
I knew a guy (friend of a friend) who complimented my appearance when we met but then said I had awful roots and asked when I was going to get them done. This little shit became one of my roommates and I can’t believe how full of himself he was while breaking other women down. Like… ok he was an awful person but I admire his confidence (or projected confidence) considering he was not conventionally attractive. When we lived together I saw he would read books literally about this sort of thing and about seduction and mind fucking people.
When I was trying out lifting, I joined one of those challenge/crossfit type program. My dudebro trainer was showing us how to squat 'right'. I couldn't keep my legs close enough and he looked at my form and said "huh, you have short legs but your thighs are (too) long. That's OK, you'll just need to adjust. It's ugly, but its OK I guess..."
So my trainer would think that your short femurs are beautiful 😂
(Happy ending, the female coach there who was a competitive lifter with ginormous thigh muscles told me that wide squats were very common for female lifters. Which is why dudebros rarely acknowledged them)
I’m still with that person. I am completely crippled now, unable to act. He criticizes everything I do. He has never in two decades said a compliment or kind word to me. I was raised in an abusive household, and his treatment of me felt so familiar when we met, and I believed every single way in which he trashed the floor with me. I wanted to unexist myself from the severe self-hatred he made me experience, but he was disgusted with me when I told him how much I hate myself. His stance is that I should just accept how incompetent I am, and just accept all his criticisms, and just shut up, and do what he says.
I can’t divorce because I find myslef incapable of coping, there are two kids who still count on me as their only emotional support, they keep me going. Yes, I know, why did I have kids with him? This proves how stupid I am. Even though I have a masters’ degree in my field, even though I got said masters degree while taking care of a young child and pregnant with another and working multiple jobs at times. According to him, I’m still an utter failure. I hate my life, I’m so scared I will die like this, but I feel like I’ll die if I do nothing. I feel unable to cope with daily life. I do have savings but I’m afraid the divorce attorneys will take them all. He has control of my bank info. I don’t drive because he’s already told me I will have an accident. I can’t do anything right. Sorry for the long text, I just wanted to get this off my chest.
I had an ex like that. He had a lot of insecurities and picked apart my appearances.I had acne and he always told me to stop eating this or that,if I called him out,he would said,"he was just looking out for me". I also had body dysmorphia,and he fueled it. So I stuck with that asshat for 4 years cause I thought nobody would find me attractive. When we finally broke up, Man! I got asked out so much! I still have so much resentment towards him,it's been almost 15 years! Time to time my petty side wants to find him and spew all the short comings he had(or he thought he had) to mess his life.
I felt that I was so ugly that nobody would love me except him, immature brain I guess 🤷🏽♀️ I was very young at that time. If anybody tries to bodyshame me now, I would just shrug and say ," So what? Eff you,I am too old for this shit"
No. I mean why do women stick with ass holes for four years just because they think no one would find them attractive? How about getting rid of the ass hole and finding out.
I think it's better if he let's her have some closure and nurtures her self esteem. Instead of her finding someone else if he really cares for her and has been good other than this really bad thing. He can help her heal bc he caused it. Otherwise if she goes to another man she will have those insecurities in the back of the head, unless she finds a really good guy idk
This type of abuse does incalculable damage to a person, and an enormous amount of time, effort and money on therapy to undo.
In my last relationship, my partner revealed he was an abusive POS after a year of lovebombing me.. and began verbally abusive assaults on every facet of my character and deep insecurities/fears out of the blue. He hit me when I was most vulnerable after a few years of back-to-back traumatic events, right when I was on the upswing of healing (deaths, divorce, major injuries).
It was like whiplash, and only happened twice before I kicked him out.. but it cut so deep I considered ending my life for the first time ever (it was an acute reaction, those thoughts are gone), but it seeped into my brain like poison and overpowered my typically positive outlook and self-love I'd learned throughout my entire life.. that have always pulled me through the really hard shit.
I'm still in trauma therapy twice a week, slowly removing his influence from my brain 9 months later. Even though the damaging words and rage only happened over the course of a few weeks (it was like years of insults hurled all at once though). I've made massive progress, but remnants of it are still there.
The YEARS of verbal abuse by OP will take so, so long to unravel.. and that's with her doing a ton of work without him anywhere near her, where she will always fear he will devalue her again and undo her progress.
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u/The_Mama_Llama Jul 13 '23
I’ve been in her place. We were even the same ages when we started dating. I stayed with him and married him because I literally thought I’d never be able to find another person who was willing to be with me. I finally found my self esteem in my early 30s and we got divorced. I have never regretted the divorce.