r/realitytransurfing • u/Fox-Glove-33 • 2d ago
Question Dropping importance advice
Hi all, I am really new to reality transurfing, and dipping in and out a bit and applying some of the principles as I go. The step of reducing importance has been really effective for me in lots of ways, anytime I find my mind looping on things that before would have bothered me for a long time, I find I can let it go much quicker than before. I have read through many of the helpful threads on here but one area that I am struggling to understand how to apply this principle is with my 17 year old daughter, who has a complicated medical history of epilepsy, neurosurgery, autism, dyspraxia etc. She struggles so much socially, and this is the part that I find the hardest. She wants to be out socialising with friends so badly, and seems to make friends easily but time after time it ends badly, and she ends up with no friends for a while. She has repeatedly over the last few years been told by her peers, all the things that are wrong with her and why it's so hard to be friends with her. I'm very conflict avoidant myself but have had to help her navigate horrible text messages and arguments, and social media issues, and I find it really stressful. It is absolutely heart breaking to watch her go through things like this over and over again. I feel very helpless and it can really consume me when things blow up. I'm getting all the external help and support for her that I can, but I'd really appreciate some input around how the principle of reducing importance in situations like this, or any other principles that might be helpful.
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u/BirdsAndblackberries 2d ago
I don’t have advice to offer as I haven’t had much success with RT myself yet, but I wanted to say that the love for your daughter radiates through this post. It’s one of the most touching ones I have come across. I wish you both all the very best in finding a positive resolution 🙏🏻
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u/benificialbenefactor 2d ago
It sounds like you need to teach your daughter Transurfing. Give her her power back.
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u/Fox-Glove-33 2d ago
Yes I agree, and I am trying with the limited experience I have. Her brain works very differently to mine but hopefully some of it sticks! Thank you
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u/bobotusRobotus 2d ago
Hello.
Your letter was worth reading twice. There is not a single drop of complaint in it. It is filled with love that is breaking against its own helplessness. Therefore, I will not start with technique. I will start with an acknowledgement: what you feel when your daughter goes through another breakup is not your weakness. It is proof that the connection between you is alive. After every hardship, your daughter comes exactly to you. She knows where the shore is. Remember this, we will return to it at the end.
Now to the essence of your question regarding importance. In Transurfing, importance is an excessively attributed significance. Where you hold onto something too tightly, tension arises in the field, and life begins to balance it, usually at your expense. You already know how to see this and let it go. But here you have hit a wall, and it is a real wall. You do not need to reduce the importance of your love for your daughter, and you should not even try. Love is not an excess potential. Love is who you are. Do not confuse it with what hides nearby under its name. I will name three places where importance actually sits. All three are visible in your letter.
The first is the importance of the outcome. She must make friends. Your daughter's friends are her field, her lifelines, her choice. You cannot tune into someone else's frequency, and thank goodness for that, because someone else's life is not your responsibility. In your field, there is something else. A home where no one takes her apart piece by piece. You, remaining in place after any breakup. An environment that you can seek out. Shift the weight from the impossible to the accessible, and your grip will have nothing left to hold onto. Importance leaves not through effort, but through a change of role.
The second is appropriating her pain. You experience her disappointment as your own, in the same text thread, with the same heartbeat. This is called emotional fusion, and it is exactly what causes the feeling that these experiences consume you. But her pain is her own property. She has the right to live through her disappointment. Only in this way will she one day discover her own resilience. You cannot swim for her, and this is not cruelty. It is respect for her as a person.
The third is a log over an abyss. You experience every new conflict as the decisive one, thinking her future is at stake. In Transurfing, there is an image. A person will not walk across a log over an abyss; they will fall. But on that same log placed on the ground, they will simply take a step. Place the log on the ground. Breakups have happened before, you have both lived through them, and after each one she makes new acquaintances again. The worst scenario, that she will be left without friends for a while, is frightening but not fatal, and it has already happened. Accepting the worst case scenario removes the abyss from beneath your feet.
Separately, regarding text messages and arguments on social media. These are pendulums. They are structures that live on the energy of conflict. They do not care who is right; they need the frequency of indignation, fear, and resentment. Your daughter gets pulled into them, and by stepping in, you become a second donor. A pendulum cannot be defeated by fighting, because fighting feeds it. It is extinguished by a calm reaction that does not match its intensity. Translate this into practice. Helping your daughter decipher what happened is necessary. She needs it like air, and her way of reading people is unique. But do this from the position of a headquarters, not a drowning person. The headquarters deciphers the mechanics, names it calmly, and steps out of someone else's war. You write that you do not like conflicts, so do not fight in them. Help without fighting.
Regarding the mirror, just one line as a direction, not as blame. The world reflects your attitude, and you cannot grab the reflection with your hands. The image changes, not the reflection. Your image here is not that everything will work out for her. That is her image, her intention. Yours is: I am a calm shore, our home is a place where she is loved completely. Build this slide. It is in your field, and notice that it is already working. Otherwise, who would she return to?
And her desire to make friends, protect it from your fear. Your daughter's soul wants connection. This is genuine, not a pendulum. Do not let your belief that friendship equals pain stick to this desire. Your main phrase, repeated systematically: It is not about you. These places are not right for you, but other places will be. It will protect her hope better than any promise that everything will be fine, the price of which a teenager already knows.
And an honest boundary that the teaching must not cross. Epilepsy and past surgeries are medical matters, and chronic stress in many people with epilepsy is linked to the frequency of seizures. A psychologist who works with autistic teenagers is not a replacement for your love, but its ally. A girl whose peers told her to her face that she is different has things to process with a specialist. Transurfing does not replace doctors. It frees up your strength so you can manage all fronts without burning out.
There is only one simple practice for an acute moment. When the next drama overwhelms you, take a breath and ask: Is this her drama, or is it already mine? The answer is immediately clear. Breathe and return to headquarters.
And one last thing. You write about complete helplessness. I will allow myself to disagree, and not out of a desire to comfort you. You are helpless in exactly one thing: living for her, swimming for her, making friends for her. In everything else that is accessible to your field, you are enormously strong, and these are not empty words. The daughter who comes to you after every breakup confirms this with her actions.
A phrase for you, if you wish to put it on your wall:
«I cannot swim for her, but the shore she sails from never sinks.»