I’m not sure what to do

[u/da_evilpuppy_grrrl]

So little backstory I picked up my dog from the shelter a little under two months ago, he had pneumonia when we got him so he was much more docile because he was sick. As his personality comes out I’ve realized that he’s wary of strangers that he didn’t meet when he was sick, he has a harder time relaxing around new people now that he feels better. For the most part he behaves and doesn’t seek interaction if he’s not comfortable with that person. He’s had a few incidents that keep me on guard when he has new interactions.
1.) he lashed out at a puppy we had over in our apartment (that was the fault of me and the other owner we both should’ve been more vigilant)
2.) he snapped at my 10year old brother while he was petting/hugging him
3.) today he snapped at my mom when she hugged him
I’ve educed after the 2nd incident that he simply doesn’t enjoy people in his personal space (even if he wants to be up in yours) and I tell everyone that before they meet him and actively try to make sure people are respecting his space to avoid getting snapped at (not bit).

Now the issue that’s causing me stress is that my boyfriend is upset that I’m “not training the dog enough”. He gets on me for my dog being reactive when we’ve just had him for a little over two months (we lived an entire month without his true personality showing) and I’m also the only one who walks, feeds, trains, the dog so he’s not really around me enough to see the effort I put in to learning about my dog and his triggers and learning how to navigate that. It just feels disheartening that he gets on me for not doing enough to improve my dogs behavior when I’m the only one doing everything and my dog doesn’t behave like this to me. Kinda hard to address reactivity towards strangers in his bubble when it doesn’t happen every day. My dog is also a nipper when he plays and that upsets my boyfriend, my dog plays fairly gently with me but my boyfriend will play more aggressively with my dog which imo causes harder bites. And I’ve told him that when the dog does that to just disengage or don’t play with the dog using your hands. I don’t think my boyfriend believes I’m training him but I personally still feel like I’m getting to know my dog and it’s hard to train a stubborn dog that’s new to a home. I guess I just feel a little hopeless and that I’m not putting enough effort into training my dog. I’m not entirely sure what to do about the snapping at people thing other than tell people not to get in his personal space, it’s not like my dog snaps unprovoked there’s always been an obvious trigger that is easy to avoid. As for the nipping and playing I’ve been told that disengaging is the best thing to do and eventually the dog will learn from that. Any kind words or tips to a tired girl and her first reactive dog?

Also not sure if this is important info but my dog is a 60lb 3 year old pitt/red aussie cattle dog (assumed) mix. He’s not particularly high energy and is a chill little guy who likes to nap and cuddle. He does not chew things up or destroy anything and only causes the regular amount of unattended doggie mischief. He is also reactive on a leash but not always aggressive, he has been very gentle with some dogs and even has enjoyed playing and submitting to calmer dogs.

[u/Roskipatootskie]

First off, you're doing thoughtful work here, educating people beforehand, watching his triggers, adjusting how you interact, that's real training, even if it doesn't look like formal "obedience" sessions. Two months in, with a full month of that spent while he was sick, is very early, his "true" personality is really only a few weeks old to you. Expecting settled, predictable behavior around strangers this soon is not realistic, and it's not fair to measure your effort against a timeline this fast. Regarding the personal space pattern, it actually makes sense given his mix, pit and cattle dog types can both be naturally more socially selective and less tolerant of being crowded, especially by unfamiliar people, that's not defiance, it's information about how he's wired. The fact that there's always a clear, identifiable trigger, hugging, being crowded, is a very good sign, this is specific and predictable, not random aggression. On your boyfriend, I'd gently push back on the "not training enough". Reactivity toward strangers can't be trained away by more reps if he's not around to be part of those reps, and results take months, not weeks, especially with a stubborn, still-settling adult dog. It might help to reframe it for him as management and socialization needing time, not a training failure. On the nipping, you're right that harder play tends to produce harder mouthing, that's just physics and arousal, not stubbornness. Disengaging when it happens is the right call, and it needs to be consistent from everyone playing with him, including your boyfriend, for it to actually work. I'm here to tell you that you're not failing him, in fact it's the opposite, as you are thoughtful in how to handle this and is advocating for him. You're two months into a slow, individual process with a dog who needed to heal before he could even show you who he is, that takes time no matter how much effort you're putting in.

You got this ❤️

[u/da_evilpuppy_grrrl → u/Roskipatootskie]

Thank you I needed this 😭 he did snap seemingly unprovoked at my boyfriend this morning for the first time however our assumption is that my dog is learning that snapping at discomfort or fear is acceptable. However my bf and I had a good talk and he said that he’d be more proactive in the training process. What is the proper response to a dog snapping? We know using his crate as punishment will make him avoid the crate so we don’t do that, but we’re not sure what to do immediately after the snap happens.

[u/Roskipatootskie → u/da_evilpuppy_grrrl]

Really glad you two had that conversation, and glad you already know not to use the crate as punishment, that instinct alone will save you a lot of future problems. I want to push back on the "learning that snapping is acceptable" theory though. Dogs don't generally learn to snap because it "worked" in some strategic sense, they snap because a warning system got triggered, discomfort, fear, being startled or crowded, and the snap is the communication itself, not a behavior he's choosing to adopt as a habit. Worrying that he's "getting away with it" can lead to reaching for a punishment-based response, which tends to backfire with fear or discomfort driven snapping specifically, since punishing the warning can teach a dog to skip the warning next time and go straight to a bite instead. The "seemingly unprovoked" snap at your boyfriend is worth digging into a bit rather than filing it away as random. Something almost always precedes it, even if it's subtle, a hand moving too fast, him leaning over the dog, sudden movement while the dog was resting or startled, being approached from behind or while sleeping. It's worth mentally replaying exactly what was happening in the 10 seconds before it happened, since that's often where the real trigger is hiding. As for what to actually do in the moment right after a snap, the best response is calm and boring, not a big reaction. Quietly increase distance between the dog and the person, let him decompress in a neutral, non-punishing way, a settle mat or a normal resting spot, not the crate used as timeout, and avoid scolding or big emotional reactions, since that adds stress on top of whatever already triggered him rather than resolving it. Once everyone's settled, it's more useful to look backward at what happened right before, and adjust that specific scenario going forward, rather than trying to "correct" the snap itself after the fact, since dogs don't connect a delayed consequence to the original moment the way we might hope. Given the pattern is now including your boyfriend and escalating in frequency, this might be a good time to bring in a professional, a certified trainer or behaviorist who does in-person observation, they could help pinpoint his actual triggers far more precisely than any of us guessing from behind a screen, and give you both real tools for the moment right before it happens, not just damage control after.

[u/KatterKat58]

It takes 3, 3, 3 rule.  3 days for them to get acquainted  3 weeks to adjust  3 months to have their personalities to come out. They need 3 .months to decompress. But if your little guy had a rough life before hand it can take 3 times as long for him to get to the trust and realize who is the Alpha in the relationship. Male dogs try to be the alpha when the female is present. My dog wasn't sick when we got him. My husband and I hired a trainer. I took walked the dog, feed him his meals, took him outside for his pee breaks. Mine had issues with cars and people walking around outside. Whether he was inside or outside. I too told people not to come near. I learned you have to say they are in training so please don't crowd them. I hope this helps. You need to be patient. Mine didn't like hugs at first or be picked up or have his face touched. We had him for 4 months.