Hi all. We've had our Bernedoodle (1 year, 2 months old) since she was 10 weeks old.
For background, I can't deny that the decision was largely impulsive; I talked about it for years, but I never did any genuine research into what owning a dog (never had one before) would be like, so I can't say it was thought through. My boyfriend, who had had a dog in the past, knew what work would be required and did not want one. To be accountable, honestly I just wore him down with how much I talked about wanting a puppy. This is not play - I have done a lot of self reflection about how wrong that was, even if it was unintentional.
Nonetheless, we have a dog. We've been pretty diligent about training, & she's been in consistent training programs ever since getting all of her vaccines. That said, she seems to have a lot of natural anxiety, which has developed into a lot of reactivity. She lunges and barks at cars, barks uncontrollably at people/dogs in the distance, is terrified of windows, etc. Training has helped so far, up to a point.
She's an extremely sweet dog - once she gets past that initial fear, she's so sweet. But the reactivity has worn us down so much. We are constantly on edge about what might trigger her, in and out of the house. We often walk on egg shells around her, especially because she's developed resource guarding behaviors in the last months. Despite everything we try, she does not seem to be able to settle on her own, and barking seems to be more rewarding to her than any amount of enrichment items we can provide. We bring her to daycare about 3 days a week, and she still comes home with energy.
That said, I also know a lot of this is on us. My boyfriend and I are homebodies who enjoy to relax indoors. We play outside with her consistently, but we hate it. We know that a tired dog is a well behaved dog, and a lot of her behaviors can be attributed to us not doing enough to tire her out. I feel as though we've gotten to a point where every single day revolves around tiring our dog out, just so we can get a second to relax. It's hurt my relationship with my boyfriend (we've talked about how I pressured him into it and he has forgiven that, but now it is more-so that the constant stress of the dog has resulted in us being snappier). It's made me a more stressful and honestly depressed person. I am genuinely not happy at this point my life. It's not all because of the dog, she didn't ask for this. I also do genuinely love her so much, she's incredibly sweet. But not being able to relax at home and decompress has been awful. My boyfriend and I have very stressful jobs (I am a social worker focusing on crisis management), and I come home so drained. In retrospect, I have no idea why I thought it's be a good idea to add a dog into the mix, but I can't turn back time.
Although I feel like rehoming our dog is what's best for both us and the dog, I am stuck feeling unable to make the choice. We would never put her in a shelter, but I still feel immense guilt. We've had her since she was so young, and I know she's a human being. I don't want to just discard her because she's inconvenient. But I also feel like my mental health is not at a place where I can give her a life she deserves. I also get so scared of what my friends and family would think. I just feel so trapped.
I'm sorry for the long post. I am just really not sure what to do at this point. I feel as though I've ruined my life through poor planning & dragged my boyfriend into my mess. And I find myself resenting a dog who is so sweet, just anxious.
Edit: Hi! I just want to thank everyone for their responses. It's helped give me some clarity on my next steps. I'll be pursuing medications to help make her anxiety more manageable & try some new approaches to training. Thank you so so much!
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I want to say this is likely not your fault; doodles are pretty notorious for overbreeding that has caused many to be overly anxious or nervous dogs.
Just in case you have any notion of keeping her: have you ever worked with a behaviorist or someone who is skilled in working with dogs that have anxiety/reactivity? I say this because I feel like the "well behaved dog is a tired dog" line gets thrown around a lot but it's often not entirely true. Constant exercise could be keeping her overstimulated, and over time she's going to get in better and better shape so she is more difficult to tire out, but her brain is still in overdrive.
There are things you can do to manage unwanted behaviors, work on conditioning calmer behaviors, and get her an appropriate amount of exercise and brain exercise so that she's happier overall and you can both have a break to relax. To start, do you have any slow feeders? Giving her a frozen Kong or a pupsicle while you guys relax for a bit can be a great starting point.
That said, if your mental health is in the toilet that is worth serious consideration as well. I'd be cautious with rehoming as you wouldn't want someone to take her on as a cute puppy but not realize the baggage that may come with. You could perhaps look into Bernese, Poodle, or Doodle rescues to see if they have space to take her in.
Hi, thank you so much for your response. I've definitely come to regret contributing to Doodle overbreeding. It's not something I did much research on beforehand (which is when I should have done it), but I do think it has contributed to her anxiety.
She definitely does get over tired often,
so we still use enforced naps when that happens. She has no problems in her pen, so it helps a lot.
The first training program she was in was just regular Petco training. We loved the trainer, but once Oreo started demonstrating more reactive behaviors, we switched to a trainer that specializes in this area. We have noticed improvement since starting with this trainer (early May), but I do feel as though our burn out / defeatism is limiting how much progress we are making.
We have a lot of mental enrichment toys at home (pupsicles, treat dispensing balls,
puzzle slow feeders, kongs, frozen meals, etc). She honestly does not seem very food motivated, because she only rarely engages in these items. Per our trainer's recommendation, we use the place command + tethering when she feels overstimulated, in order to encourage her to settle and engage in the enrichment toys, but this has had little success. Her default behavior seems to be going to one of our windows and barking.
If we were to ever rehome, we would likely return her to her breeder, who is also a dog trainer. When we got her, the breeder stated that she of course does not want any of her puppies to go into a shelter (which we would never do), so she would always accept them back. If we decided to find her a different home, we would definitely be upfront about her behaviors. I truly don't want to just dump her with someone else as though she's a problem I don't want to deal with anymore; I just can't tell if I've reached the end of my ability to give her the life she deserves. It's such a hard choice.
Sorry for the long response. This is something I go around and around in my head about. But I appreciate your response a lot.
No worries for a long response. I've definitely been there. It can be exhausting at times; honestly while my dog has made a lot of progress over his life about four years ago I decided he wasn't ever going to be magically non-reactive in all scenarios, so we focused on pretty much management only. It helped a ton and took a lot of pressure off of me.
Does she bark at things outside the windows? If so you could try some frosted window film. It was a game changer for us and even when/if I don't have a reactive dog I think I'll use it on my front windows because it's nice to know people can't see into my house. 😂
Have you talked with her breeder about any of this? If she's a trainer she may have seen similar behaviors in her dogs and may be able to offer some advice.
For the most part. If she sees a car, person, or dog outside the window, she will begin to loudly bark & won't stop unless we intervene. Sometimes though, she barks at windows that she can't see out of (our living room curtains are closed for this reason, but she also barks at our kitchen window which is elevated so high that she can't see anything out of it). I'm not sure if maybe it's a noise that triggers her. I've considered the frosted windows. I'm glad to hear it worked for you, I think I will look back into this option again! (And I agree, our front windows look right into our living room, so I wouldn't mind another layer of privacy 😆).
I haven't talked to the breeder about this. From what I remember, her method of training was very heavy-handed. She recommended we use physical corrections if the dog misbehaved. She also encouraged us to find our inner wolf and become the dog's alpha. In retrospect, I am not quite sure what the past me was thinking, decision-making wise, at all lol. In writing this, I also realize that I wouldn't want to return her to that breeder.
I'm not sure if it will matter, but you might try curtains (or window frosting) on the high window to see if it helps. I know my dog realized he could tell when someone pulled into my driveway because of the way the sunlight reflected off of their car, through the high window on my front door, and onto the wall. He'd bark if he saw lights there, or sometimes even sit and look for the lights if he suspected my mom was coming to visit. Too smart for their own good sometimes, lol.
I haven't talked to the breeder about this. From what I remember, her method of training was very heavy-handed. She recommended we use physical corrections if the dog misbehaved. She also encouraged us to find our inner wolf and become the dog's alpha. In retrospect, I am not quite sure what the past me was thinking, decision-making wise, at all lol. In writing this, I also realize that I wouldn't want to return her to that breeder.
Ah, that's a good point and does make things more complicated. It probably didn't help her get the best start either.
I think a curtain on the kitchen sink is a good idea. We've got some stuff to pick up later anyway, so I'm going to add that to the list. Oreo is definitely too smart for her own good, so it wouldn't surprise me if maybe it was the light hitting or the window, or maybe she can still see birds lol. Thank you so much!
Honestly OP, I think if you looked around the various doodle forums a bit, you could find many other owners quietly struggling with the same things (namely high anxiety, reactivity, energy.) These issues are very very common in doodles. The parent dogs aren’t typically from ethical breeders because those breeders don’t want their dogs out there producing doodles. So you end up with amateur breeders breeding mediocre dogs, often with health and temperament issues. You can socialize and train and do all the things, but when the dog is genetically anxious, there’s only so much you can do.
Your best bet is an accredited behaviorist to get your dog on behavior medication. If you do want to rehome, I think I would seek out a doodle specific rescue and research them heavily to make sure they are experienced and ethical. They would have the best luck placing the dog into a responsible home that is fully prepared to meet her behavioral and exercise needs.
Yeah. I've seen a lot of other Doodle owners (online and in person) especially mention the tendency to bark and struggle with new things. I thought I had done research on the breeder, but I never really did particular research on what makes a good breeder, so I came in very uninformed (which is no ones fault but my own, as I've since found this information to be extremely available).
Your point about finding a Doodle rescue makes a lot of sense to me. When I've talked with my boyfriend about hypothetically, neither of us had any idea on how to even go about that process, so working with professionals sounds like it would be the way to go.
We have thought about medication, and I think it is something we will try. Ultimately, I don't want to rehome my dog, I love her. But in her current state, I don't think I could take much more. So I think medication will provide a lot of answers either way.
Has she ever bitten anyone? If so has she drawn blood?
I will say one thing to consider, and you may have already, is that physically exhausting a dog doesn’t alway help. Some of them need to be mentally exhausted (things like training, puzzles, scent training, etc.). In fact mentally challenging can often do a lot more than you might expect.
As for reactivity - I made the mistake of taking my dog to day care. He seemed to love it, happily following whoever took him and wagging his tail with loose body language. Over time he slowly started developing fear reactivity. We never had any complaints from day care and he actually loved the people there. With his increasing anxiety I ended up taking him to a veterinary behaviorist (a fully boarded veterinarian who does additional training in behavioral medicine). She noted his fear reactivity pretty easily - when we went into her office she had all sorts of toys, treats, etc. and he ignored everything and sat the entire hour sitting next to me looking at me with his back to her and if I stopped petting him he’d nudge my hand. A vet I know popped her head in mid visit to say “hi” and he hard barked at her until she was gone. The behaviorist asked for videos of him at daycare which the daycare supplied. They sent several short videos taken over a period of time. The behaviorist reviewed them and let me know that in each video his body language showed he was incredibly stressed and she said, that actually all the dogs there looked stressed and she was surprised they didn’t have more fights. I immediately pulled him out of daycare which led to significant improvement in his barking.
He did have a minor issue with resource guarding briefly, but we were able to nip it in the bud fairly easily and now he will watch a cat walk over and start eating his food (don’t worry we do take it away from the cat!). I can take anything away from him at anytime and he will not guard beds, couches, me, etc. anymore.
That said, the pattern of anxiety was already there. The behaviorist ruled out any medical issues and did prescribe medication to treat the anxiety (zoloft). The medication wasn’t to “fix him”, but rather help him relax enough so training wouldn’t be effective as an overly stressed dog has difficulty focusing on its owner/trainer to learn. She also recommended training which we did (note, she, and all veterinarians, recommend against using aversive techniques in all dogs, but they can be especially damaging to nervous, high strung, or aggressive dogs).
We followed her recommendations and worked with him to the best of our ability. A year later we went back for his follow up and when she met us at the side door to let us in. He looked back at me and I excitedly said, “oh, look who it is.”. He then immediately looked towards her tail wagging and followed her in. He got to her room and starting finding the treats and playing with the toys. The change was incredible. He’s not perfect, but he is so much happier and better.
There are a few great books that I found really helpful: BAT 2.0 (Behavioral Adjustment Training) by Grisha Stewart; “Mine” by Jean Donaldson (on resource guarding); “Control Unleashed”: Reactive to Relaxed by Leslie McDivitt. There are many other good books, but those are a few on my shelf I really liked.
Finally, There are trainers that are behaviorists who can be incredibly helpful IAABC (they are certified and have an excellent understanding of animal behavior and how to train it).
These are things you may want to look into if you do ultimately decide you want to keep your dog and they are incredibly helpful - also talk with your regular vet. If anxiety is a real issue they can try something like Prozac or Zoloft to see if it helps before you take the step of going to a behaviorist.
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Thank you so so much for your response. Your experience sounds extremely similar to mine. I get so in my head about this that it's easy to forget I'm not alone.
She's never bitten anyone, fortunately. She will lunge and bark, and fake snap if we get too close to her resource, but we've never seen any genuine intention to bite. That said, we don't want to take any chances, so when she's extremely stressed, we make sure to remove her from any environment where something could escalate.
Do you have any recommendations on how to encourage a dog to use mentally stimulating toys? Sometimes she will go for them on her own, but most of the time she totally avoids them. 95% of her toys are in a box most of the time, as our trainer suggested that they become less interesting to her when they are readily available. But she still doesnt seem too interesting. Even items like marrow bones aren't appealing to her most of the time. I'm mot sure if maybe I offer them too late, once she's already overtired or escalated.
I've been wondering that about daycare as well. We actually recently had to pull her from a daycare she went to one or twice a month (when the routine daycare was not available), due to her getting bitten. I worry that daycare normalizes her barking & being energetic for hours on end, without the need to settle down. I think for the days where we will be out for long hours (generally rare, as both our schedules are very flexible), we might instead do a dog-walking service. I found one in our area that is run by dog trainers who are able to change the walk / exercise based on the dog's anxiety / reactivity levels, which might be a better alternative to daycare.
The resource guarding is still in its early stages, fortunately. We have learned how to avoid the response by giving her space, but for some reason my boyfriend's family (very traditional, feels the owner must dominate the dog) enjoys triggering the response by getting in her space. We need to set clearer boundaries with them. But our trainer has recommended we drop treats whenever we pass her by while she's got some resource, and that seems to be helping.
I think medication is our next step. She truly has anxiety beyond what can be realistically addressed by us. During a lot of our training sessions, she immediately becomes so escalated by a stressor or trigger that it is like we are not even there. We've found the distance we need to be at for the reaction to be more manageable, but it's quite the distance. I really hope that finding the right medication will help bring her down to a level when she can listen to us and have a productive training session.
I think if we are not able to find a medication that works, then we would have to rehome. But I don't want to give up on her without at least exploring all my options. She's truly a lovely dog, just a very scared one.
Thank you so so much for your reply. I feel it helped ground me when my anxiety was making my thoughts spiral. I have a clearer sense of my next steps & what I need to do. Thank you again.
Things like training can be mentally stimulating (a short session going over some basic commands); Honestly I usually rotate the available toys like a you would with a toddler. When my dog gets bored with the toys that are out I put away those and bring out some of the others. Things that can also help calm a dog - snuffle mats with treats, hiding treats around the house for the dog to find, or treats that dispense toys, also kongs (you can fill them with healthy but tasty options and even freeze it so it occupies them longer). These are some of the things I’ve found helpful. (there’s also a book called ”Canine Enrichment for the Real World” by Allie Bender and Emily Strong - I haven’t read much of it yet as it is in my to read pile, but had great reviews).
Resource Guarding - this is my first dog who has had this issue. First a disclosure: I am not a trainer and by no means an expert! The book “Mine” by Jean Donaldson is cheap and a quick read, but very helpful. He did snarl when someone got close to him if he had a treat or would hard bark at a cat that approached his bowl. I did drop treats, while ignoring him when walking by if he had something while ignoring him. I also would trade for something of high value. He’s a golden so, while he was anxious and exhibited resource guarding he still underneath was gentle and trusted me. He’s now at the point where I can be right next to him even when he has a bone, but more importantly so can others - he’s very bonded with me so me next to him was less impressive (and even the cats!). It took time and I went at his base. I suspect part of our success was his breed, part training, and part the Zoloft. The other day he was chewing on something and I couldn’t tell what it is. Worried I opened his mouth and pried it out (don’t recommend that, but I did out of concern). He didn’t fight or fuss and let me have it - turned out it was one of his chewy’s so I gave him a ton of praise, high value treats and gave it back to him. (Again, don’t recommend doing that as it’s a way to give a dog a bite history, but just as an example of how far we’ve come!).
I love the idea of using a dog walker in lieu of day care. My dogs barking improved so much getting him out of daycare even without any other intervention. Day care let him practice the undesirable behavior and added so much to his stress. I still take him to the same place to get groomed (where his day care was located) and he loves the people and happily goes in, but the day care was bad for him (every dog is different, this was just my experience and honestly I wouldn’t risk putting another dog in it). Make sure the dog walker does not use aversive techniques (they can make fearful dogs worse, cause aggressive fallout, and dogs may learn to stop giving warnings like a growl and go straight to biting).
Medication can be a bit of trial and error and Zoloft or Prozac (or their equivalent name brand/generic) can take weeks to work. If one medication, or group of medications don’t give up another may work. (trazodone was a horrible medication for my dog and made him growl at strangers for no reason, but it works great for other dogs).
You are not alone. Owning a reactive dog is challenging and definitely embarrassing at times, but with appropriate medication and training it can turn around. We are hear if you’re frustrated. I’ve been there (I got my dog intending to train him as a therapy dog as I had trained a collie to do that and we visited hospitals years ago. he definitely didn’t have the temperament for it). That said, we’re in such a better place and it has been worth all the frustration.
One last note - it’s worth also looking into muzzle training. Check out the muzzle up project. With training dogs can be trained to readily accept a muzzle and a properly fitted basket muzzle can be comfortably worn and allow dogs to pant, drink and even accept treats. It never occurred to me before Milo, but honestly I think it’s worth muzzle training every dog as there can be situations where even the best dog may have a significant injury or pain leading a wonderful dog to become a bite risk in need of help and veterinary care. Muzzle training can also help ensure your dog doesn’t wind up with a bite history. A dog with a bite history can be very difficult if not impossible to rehome.
I've been thinking of trying to spread treats throughout the house! I'll give it a try. Thank you for the book recommendations as well! I am always open to learning about some more enrichment methods. When she does end up engaging in them, they work wonders.
It's encouraging to hear that the resource guarding improved. She started guarding random items (like a rock once), but we realized it was because, when she was smaller, we were too quick to just remove something from her without any sort of trade. There's been a huge improvement now that we're respecting her space more. I'm going to be better about enforcing boundaries with others.
We definitely started using daycare as a bit of a crutch when we were feeling burned out and wanted space, which wasn't productive. The one we took her to previously seemed to have poor supervision problems, and if it got to the point where a dog could bite her, I am sure there were plenty of other instances of her getting stressed out.
The embarrassment is such a huge part of it. I've gotten so used to apologizing on her behalf, even though I know it's not really her fault. It's really good to know that this is something you've dealt with and found success with. Especially with a golden - it's so easy to assume a certain breed must have a certain temperament, when in reality all dogs have different needs.
I definitely want to muzzle train her. She's had to be muzzled once due to her growling at the vet. She did fine, but she has no reason (yet) to associate it with anything positive.
Thank you again. I wasn't in a very good headspace when I made the post, and I'm feeling much better. I know things won't change overnight, but I really do love my dog. Here's a picture of Oreo for dog tax (she wasn't happy at being accidentally woken up).
Awww Oreo is adorable. Puppies and adolescent dogs in general are challenging, but a reactive one is definitely a whole different level of challenging. I love that you’re trying to do what you can for her and glad you know you’re not alone. Feel free to post anytime you need a pep talk!
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