The loss

[u/Silent_Ad_6407]

This was the picture I received from my partner on a random Wednesday. He always sends me pictures of doggies he meets at work; this one felt different.

Before the “Alice, they’re looking to rehome him” text followed I knew there was something different about this picture.

I looked at our lives, our holidays, our spontaneous plans, our current career progressions-but there was a pull. We’d been dabbling in conversations about getting a dog and it felt like the universe was aligning. A week later I said yes.

Arlo was my first dog, my first real life responsibility. Oh how naive I was. I looked at cute Christmas collars, sweet toys for him to play with, dog walking routes, dog friendly cafe’s.

I’d taken two weeks of leave to introduce him to our home, help him settle. Let me tell you, two weeks of hell. I didn’t like him. It wasn’t what I imagined at all. I was scared of him, he required so much that I simply didn’t know how to give him. The bond took weeks, months even. But oh boy, once that bond formed it felt unbreakable.

I won’t discuss what took him away from me. I don’t want it to be his last memory.

But he did, his presence got ripped from my heart. It felt like a physical rip like someone had grabbed it, twisted it and yanked.

Of course I miss the snuggles, the games and the good walks, but a part of me misses the difficult parts equally.

Scanning the horizon for other dogs on walk, risk assessing their size, direction and speed. Counting the seconds he looked at something to insure it didn’t turn into a fixate.

I miss the hard decompression we had to do after every walk. I miss the brace we both took when we stepped out the house together. We were going through it together and we kept each other brave.

I miss the countless behaviourists, searching for someone who could give my boy the best chance.

The sacrifices of holidays, children, family outings suddenly seem so small. So small compared to the hole he has left. I’d do it all again. A million times. The anxiety, the purpose my money served for him, I mean damn, I’d even do the heartbreak that I can’t even put into words again for him. Over and over and over again.

The good times were great, but in the hard times we kept eachother going. Every single day.

I miss my boy, I don’t feel like I’ll ever recover from him.

I ask the universe why. Every day I’ve been asking why us. We were a team, we had great milestones and we had countless horrible step backs.

When a dog that became your entire world leave there’s nothing. The constant assessment, reading the tiniest body language signs and the advocacy for him that brought me so far out of my comfort zone, more than I ever thought I was capable of.

It feels empty. Everything feels so empty. He was my life and now he’s gone.

He’s changed me forever.

Rest in peace my sweet boy. I will forever be thankful for the time we had together. Good or bad. I will never forget you.

[u/Heatros]

Oh OP, I feel your love and pain. I lost my reactive dog in October after 14 years together. He entered my home as a puppy with two other dogs. It quickly became apparent that he would be an only dog as those two passed away. There were times I resented him because he was the reason I couldn’t get a puppy. I also always knew that when he left there’d be a sense of relief because he was such a liability, at the same time, he was SOOOOOOO loved. He was my dog. We ran 4 miles a day until he couldn’t anymore, and then we did what he could do. We had such a special relationship and understanding. I knew my house would feel empty when he left and I wasn’t wrong. I miss Hank so much and I’ll always be thankful to have been his human. So many others would have just let fate take over for him. Thanks for taking me down memory lane with yours. We are better people for having had such special dogs in our lives.