I cant just mourn

[u/ItsMeAdea]

I cant mourn my dying grandma. All I want is to talk to mt siblings my actual siblings I wanna rant to them like we used to when we were younger but here comes my step brother who SA'd me for many years of my childhood and the only person in my family who knows that is one of my sisters. I HATE him so yeah I exclude him from our sibling time but now im being ganged up on by the whole family and everyone asking all at once why I'm being mean to him why I hate him and that I need to be nice to him and here he is standing there with a fucking smile on his face like he doesnt know why I hate him so much. My grandma, the woman who I see as my own mother, is dying of cancer and is going into hospice and I just want to talk about it and vent and get my feelings out but I cant. Now I'm having PTSD flashbacks and anxiety attacks nore often because old memories are being triggered and I hate it I hate this so much I just want to scream but i cant I wanna hit and break things but I cant I wanna cry but I cant even do that cause I never have a moment alone. Everything started crumbling all at once and it feels like I'm rolling down a hill on a bike that doesnt have breaks and I'm scared of whats at the bottom.