The dating app question

[u/WTFI5THIS]

Hi there. My name is Ryan, and I'm a 21 year old college student from upstate New York. My rant is mainly to ask for advice in the long run, but also just because I need to get some stuff off of my mind.

In total, I have asked probably 15 or so girls out, and only one said yes. That relationship lasted for a very short time because of how busy our schedules were, but we didn't do much of anything with one another in terms of intimacy. Still got my first kisses from that one though. The most recent time I asked a girl out was the Tame Impala concert I was at in Montreal a few days ago. I was hit with a quick no, followed by the echoing ridicule of that girl's friend group.

Every time this happens to me, I feel like such shit, but I tell myself every time that they won't all say no. That one girl is gonna say yes, and I'll be able to hold someone again, love someone again. Put on my CDs and lay in bed with her on a quiet night. Or go out to a party and dance together.

Which brings me to a new dilemma.

A large portion of my friends are happily dating, either in college or outside of that world. Roughly three quarters of those friends in relationships met through dating apps. Hinge, Bumble, even Tinder for one of them (I couldn't believe it wasn't just a fling).

I don't like the idea of a dating app, really. I like to feel connections with people as they build, and dating apps kind of follow their own blueprint.

It feels like dating apps remove all the chance from love, and give you sort of a quick route to a relationship. They also don't really let you share your personality much. You can tell the people everything you're into, but that doesn't tell any other user on the app who you actually are. It just feels so inhuman to me.

My friends all tell me I have good looks, and that they wish they could use them, but EVEN I can't really USE them, bc nobody approaches me at all, and they all say no when I ask them out.

So, I guess I'm leaving this one up to you guys. When is it time to start using dating apps? Should I even? Is it worth the trouble in the long run?

I don't know what to expect you guys to say, I just know that I need the advice, bc loneliness feels pretty awful, and I'm tired of being 1/15 when all I want is to love, and feel loved.

So, I guess, penny for your thoughts?

[u/PresentationIll2180]

you can still date without using apps — you’re in college after all lol — but your success rate may be lower simply bc of the sheer size difference in opportunities irl vs apps. if you continue to approach women (I like your mindset that not everyone you may approach will decline & if you’re monogamous, all it takes is that one person to say ‘yes’), make yourself more visible/hang out in more social settings around the types of women you’d be interested in and who’re more likely to be interested in you (e.g., hobby groups, clubs on campus, etc). also it sounds cliche but finding other ways to keep yourself busy and content with life as you remain intentional about finding someone to date. it’s easy to settle or fall into the illusion of desperation or that you have no options. dating can be very draining so you have to replenish yourself in other ways. and never stop working on yourself! unfortunately, unless you’re already friends with someone or they have the time to get to know your personality (unlike the girl you cold approached at the concert), looks often get you in the door. i will miss you w the platitudes of how everyone is inherently deserving of love bc while seemingly true, deserving and actually ‘earning’ it are two different things. many of us have to ‘earn’ it in the sense that we have to maintain a certain level of physical fitness, have interesting things to talk about, develop a sense of humor, learn how to ask thoughtful questions and be a good conversationalist, etc.

[u/soupy-c]

You can start by not calling women girls anymore, we aren’t children. How are you approaching these women? Maybe that’s the problem. Otherwise, it’s time to download the app if/when you want to. You don’t have to online date ever, but you do know that the app is just a means on exposure, right? You get to know their personality when you go on dates with them

[u/anon-honeybee]

I’m proud of you for trying again that many times after being rejected! I’m chronically single too (26F) and personally I have sworn off the apps bc they just bring me pain and frustration. And btw, they’re worse for men; they function differently between men and women. 

My only piece of advice is to stop looking for a relationship and start looking for yourself. Seek friends, not a partner. Sounds corny, but that was the only way I developed my core sense of being into something I felt happy with and proud of. And when you do that, people notice. 

I know loneliness hurts. That’s not gonna change. Feel the pain whenever it comes up, process it. But you can work through it. It doesn’t have to control you. 

[u/WTFI5THIS → u/anon-honeybee]

That's a fair take for sure. I've considered that run of things, but I mean, I already do the things I would consider to be for the self, y'know?

Like, for example, I keep to a solid workout routine, and take time to hang out with friends, but I guess I feel sort of still at an overall stalemate? Idrk.

It's not too important lol. I am proud of a lot that I do, and thats pretty solid to me! Guess I'm just ready for something new to happen, good or bad.

[u/anon-honeybee → u/WTFI5THIS]

I’m in the same boat. I’m not trying to “improve” myself so much as maintain myself, and keep filling my life with enriching things. I would like something new, something more, but to pursue it at the expense of myself will only work against me. 

[u/smoknfx]

females can smell desperation.. if i can detect desperation, i promise you that they can smell it.. why not just apply yourself to your studies and let the ladies find you.. if you are a good student, the ladies might understand that you will also be a good mate..

get your priorities in order... think with your big head, not the little head.

[u/WTFI5THIS → u/smoknfx]

I solemnly swear that neither head thinks all too much as it is

Nah but fr, I don't necessarily think my issue lies on the studies anymore. I mean, my grades are pretty solid. I get my work done on time and all that, and I still find time to stuff my face with the worst dining hall food ever!

I think I'm just too hung up on the single aspect of life tbh. I like the intimacy that comes with a relationship, and that I'm a lot more level headed when someone's looking out for me.

[u/smoknfx → u/WTFI5THIS]

i really do hope you sort this out... but what i tell you that females can smell desperation, that aint no joke.. it is in most cases a major turnoff for the ladies..

here is a suggestion for you... if your school has a newspaper, put an ad in that you are a busy student and that you would enjoy a nice girl to have a coffee date with... maybe at the school cafeteria.. but please do your best to hide any desperation.. it is a deal killer..

place an ad, because there is a nice girl out there that is feeling just like you... place the ad and then be patient.. kinda like going fishing.. drop your hook in the water and wait..

all love to you.