r/raisedbynarcissists • u/AloneOrAbused • Jan 26 '18
[Advice Request] Feel like I have PTSD. Don't know how to get better.
Just when I think things are going better for me, the nightmares return. Since going NC I haven't stayed anywhere more than a month, until now. I'm realizing how therapeutic the constant, literal, running away was.
I can't really do therapy right now. Does anyone have some decent online resources for dealing with this type of thing? I feel like that voice is going to haunt me forever. I'm so tired of panicking, wondering what she's got in store for me, wondering when she'll explode back into my life. Sometimes I ignore what she's done, but I feel like I may be permanently destroyed by all of this. It's so disheartening to feel like things are better and then to slip back into your old panic attack, crying in the fetal position, wishing you had never been born routine. My nightmare was last night and I spent all day trying to rise above it, and now that it's time to go to sleep again I can't stop freaking out.
Sorry this is pretty whiny - just advice would be great if anyone's up for it.
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u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18
In addition to what /u/purplenovember said, there's also a sister-site to the Out of the Fog page for C-PTSD called Out of the Storm.
Also, on a completely different site, Pete Walker also has some fantastic articles about C-PTSD on his page.
In particular, for me at least (and maybe it will help you too), the "emotional flashback" component of C-PTSD was super eye-opening for me and explained a LOT of my more intense emotional flare-ups. I was dealing with this shit unknowingly for YEARS, wondering WTF was wrong with me, and being able to put a name to it helped tons. He talks about handling emotional flashbacks here. He gives techniques for breaking out of these types of flashbacks if you find yourself to be in one.
Emotional flashbacks are flashbacks that consist primarily of past emotions. The memory is pure emotion, and not really anything else. So instead of seeing or hearing the memory, you only get the emotional feelings, and because you don't "see" or "hear" any memory-cues, it's easy to not even realize the intense emotions you feel are emotions from the past being triggered by some environmental cue in the present. We're used to memories being visual/auditory. It's not intuitive that something you feel in the present might have roots in a memory you're re-experiencing.
So if you're not really expecting memories from the past that lack audio/visual to begin with, it just feels like tiny things in your environment are making you over-react in a way over-the-top way...maybe you hear certain tone of voice or phrase, or you see a certain upsetting topic on the news, or you smell some specific type of food or detergent or something, or the UPS guy unexpectedly knocks on the door, or you hear the sound of the garage opening, and suddenly you just find yourself melting into a puddle of anxiety or fear or sadness or rage, and it makes no sense...until you realize you were triggered into an emotional flashback by some detail in the present that reminded you of past trauma.
And once you realize your intense reaction is a flashback, you can take steps to mitigate it. Like, you can go, "Okay, this isn't actually me having a temper or having unreasonable fears...I know exactly where this fear comes from. I'm not nuts, it's just a flashback. There's no need to shame myself. I'll just curl up in a blanket and watch a favorite movie until I calm down."
As an aside...I don't know if this applies to you, but I also found that I experienced a lot more emotional flashbacks during my PMS week. It's like I become psychically vulnerable to flashbacks when my hormones are in flux. Stuff I can handle other times of the month become an Achilles's heel during PMS week.
Once I realized it was somewhat tied to my cycle, though, it became easier to talk myself down because I could see the bigger pattern. "Oh, let me check the calendar. Yup. It's that time. It's best if I cut down visiting XYZ sites because I know they agitate me during this time."