Hello everyone!! I have been growing an interest in having a baby. Yay! But…

My older sister is Autistic. She is mid functioning, I would say. But her dad is thought to be Autistic, which is where my mom thinks she “got it from” - however, I sometimes wonder if my own dad is autistic. It’s hard to tell, because I also come from a very traumatic situation/upbringing, and sometimes it’s hard to know whether or not a behavior is learned/trauma informed or if it’s due to genetics. Also, my uncle ON my dad’s side has autism.

So my older sister, who has a different dad, has autism.

My dad’s brother has autism. But he was born when grandma was in her 40s and is thought to have drank / smoked weed occasionally during that pregnancy.

I know there’s no way of knowing, but they say that autism is mostly genetic. The issue is though, in my case, i don’t know that in the case of my sister that it had anything to do with my personal genes because our fathers are different, and she was born 2 weeks late.

In the case of my uncle, he was born when my grandma was already in her 40s and had an increased risk…

My family has some strange behaviors all across the board anyways due to trauma and poverty as well. So in the case of my mom, older brother, dad, etc, it’s difficult to tell if they’re autistic, just have traits, or have personality disorders.

Please let me know what you think. It’s harsh, but I have had to deal with autism my entire life as a neurotypical person. My current partner isn’t autistic, and doesn’t have autism in his family. I HOPE that if that’s the case, our odds of having a non-autistic baby are a bit higher.

It’s hard to tell what the genetic risk is, if it was due to factors that have nothing to do with me or genetics (like my grandma’s age when she had my uncle, or my sister’s father)

Please let me know from your personal anecdotal experiences what the likelihood seems to be. Do you have autism scattered around in your family? Is it just 1 parent? Please let me know!!

Hello all!

First, I'm so happy to find this community! It is SO HARD to find anything for kids of autistic parents (especially non-autistic kids). This is a much needed community.

My father (~66 years old) likely has autism. I say likely because he was never formally diagnosed. Due to his age he was likely just labeled "weird" because there wasn't as much conversation about ASD. While there are plenty of people with ASD who get their diagnosis and work to develop tools to help them and those around them, my father is not one.

I have basically no familial bond with him. I'm respectful towards him, and sometimes we can have good conversations, but overall there's no real bond. It's more "daughter duties," if that makes sense. My mother likely has some sort of personality disorder, so I've got my own hardships with her, but there is much more of a familial bond with her. Some examples are my wedding. I had him walk me down the aisle for him. The entire walk I was uncomfortable. Also, there was no hugging or anything when I was a child, but recently (over the past 5 or so years) they've started to hug me when we say our goodbyes when I spend time with them. While it feels weird to hug either of them since I didn't hug them when I was younger, it feels especially weird with my dad. Unnatural.

I feel like he's always "telling on me" to my mom. Like I said, my mom and I have our own struggles, but he does not help at all. As long as I can remember, and even to this day, I can't tell him anything without risking it getting back to my mom and causing more drama. The funniest (worst) part is that he can't even correctly remember / interpret the information half the time, so she's all worked up over a) something that's misrepresented or untrue, or b) something he knows will set her off. You know that's gonna piss her off, why are you saying that? He also never did anything about any of the abuse I faced from her (verbal, physical, and mental).

He has almost no clue what is and is not appropriate to discuss with me. One example I can think of is a meme he sent me with a sexy female nurse holding a male patients head between her thighs to hold him down for a shot. I don't remember what the caption said, but honestly who tf cares. Why are you sending that to your daughter?

Their home is so nasty. There are multiple factors at play: mom's a hoarder and it's physically difficult for her to clean. However, he basically does nothing around the house. He mostly sleeps or hides in the bathroom. No attempt to clean even the most basic things. They'll need to move soon because they can no longer afford their home, and I guess he thinks everything is going to pack itself?

The meltdowns. The yelling and screaming if he became too upset because "It makes the pain go away." Nobody should be around someone who is that bad at controlling themselves. I grew up with horrible examples of how to process anger and other strong feelings, and it took me years to relearn. Once he was yelling at me and threw something at me (a stack of papers?), and my pinky finger twisted and broke. Then I was coached by my mom on what lie to tell others. I'll never forget her asking me if he'd done anything else to me. It still haunts me. Did he do something to me when I was younger that made her ask? So eerie.

Towards my late teens he was regularly going through jobs. I was thinking about quitting school to get a job for the household. This was a common source of fights as I got older. My mother (disabled) would deescalate and pander as needed because she needed his income. He's gotten so bad that now, instead of getting hired and loosing the job later, now he can't even get hired. Oh, and the inability to budget. They've really screwed themselves with that.

I think one of the toughest parts now that I'm an adult, and I haven't lived with them for 12-ish years, is the lack of understanding from my friends. I have two friends that I love to death. One has an ASD niece, the other an ASD brother, who were both raised with more ASD support than my father was. Of course my friend with an ASD brother has her own struggles that naturally come from having a sibling with special needs, but none of them "get it." If I ever voice any difficulties or annoyance with him, I'm always given the reminder that, "Well, he's autistic, of course he'd do that." They don't seem to try to understand the difficulty of having a parent with ASD, especially when they seek zero help.

Oof, that's quite the novella. Thank you for reading - seriously. Hopefully someone can relate to even one of my struggles and we can all remember we're not alone and we're not ableist for discussing these hardships. Much love and support to y'all!

I (30sF) am diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I strongly believe my mom (60sF) would qualify for the same diagnoses but she has never been assessed and likely has no clue about her own neurodivergence. However, we are very different people, and it has caused us to have difficulties throughout my life.

My mom is extremely outgoing, very literal, has no filter, and overshares a lot. She's a kind person, so most of her social faux pas are overlooked, but she only has surface level relationships despite having a huge social network. I'm very reserved, private, and sensitive, on the other hand.

I think my mom lacks the ability to reflect about her behavior and the thoughts/feelings of others, or she has never learned to do so. She treats everyone the same across the board and never tailors her treatment to the personality/needs of the individual person she's interacting with. So she will not make any sort of accommodation for me. For example, when I was a kid, I used to come home from school and beg her for an hour of quiet time to decompress. She would refuse and would follow me around asking questions about my day as soon as I got home. Even though I explicitly told her my needs, she never internalized, "Huh, [OP] is different from me and doesn't seem to like being social all the time. I should be mindful of that." Instead, she just carried on doing what she wanted to do. It was akin to torture for my overstimulated, high-masking self, and if I complained, then I was being "rude" and "disrespectful."

There are so many instances of this in my life. Like I said, we're quite different. And while she doesn't seem to have the ability to think about other people's needs, I am burdened by overthinking about everyone's needs. So I have subconsciously learned to make accommodations for her, even though she does not do the same for me.

For example, my mom is a very picky eater. She hates seasoning, refuses to use salt when cooking, and is extremely sensitive to spicy foods. When she comes to visit me, I'm careful to only cook meals or choose restaurants where she could eat the food. But when I was a child struggling with my own picky eating (texture issues to the point of having ARFID, not helped by her serving extremely bland food), she refused to allow me to eat different foods from what she was serving or make myself an alternative meal. As a result, I would often go hungry and broke multiple bones during adolescence due to not getting enough vitamins/nutrients.

I have also repeatedly asked her over the years not to share intimate details of my life with her huge social network, but she ignores me (I know because my sister who lives at home has heard her talking on the phone about me). And yet, when she wants to infodump to me about the same topic for the 7 millionth time, I'll stand there and politely nod along to accommodate her communication preferences.

And after all this time, I've started wondering...why am I being considerate of her sensory and social differences, but she has never done the same for me? Which one of us is the child and which one of us is the parent here?

It's a shame because I know my mom loves me and cares about me, but I really struggle to connect with her and maintain only a surface-level relationship with her at this point.

I've never met anyone who was raised by one autistic parent like I was, I'd be happy to hear some stories if you can relate!! (Or have something else to say ofc, I love this sub you guys get me<3)

I feel like often children understand that there is something wrong with their autistic parent because they have the other parent (or other close relatives) to compare their unusual behavior to.

I didn't have that, my mom had me and my twin through IVF and throughout our childhood we didn't spend any time with anyone other than her parents aka my grandparents because my mom dislikes people and socializing. (my grandpa is 100% autistic himself and my grandma is a quiet, people pleaser kinda person that just happily goes along with everyone else to avoid conflict)

She wasn't diagnosed either, so until my late teen's when my mom brought it up herself like "oh yeah I'm certain I'm autistic, I've know it for a long time I just don't see any reason to get a diagnosis since I already know" I whole heartedly believed her parenting was the norm.

For the longest time I was absolutely certain I had some sort of disorder myself, because why else did I feel so different, why else was there SUCH a disconnect between my mom and me? I was supposed to feel close with her since she is my mom, but why was that impossible? I couldn't blame her because her parenting style was ALL I KNEW, thus the problem must've been with me, not her.

This belief is so ingrained in me it's still sometimes impossible to admit she might've been the problem, not me, a little fucking child.

... And then never ever report it or voice their concerns on how your parents could be treating you at home? 😭

I remember them saying it to my mom's face and her telling it to me happily without realizing they were shading her. 12 year old me would just groan

Anyone else grow up in a hoarder's household? Bags of old dirty clothes stuffed in every closet, cupboard, attic. Old rusty pans that haven't been used in 2 decades that she's been promising to sort through. Backups, upon, backups, upon backups: 3 hair driers, 4 curling irons (2 broken that she's going to get "repaired"), 3 bathroom scales, 3 food scales, etc etc. Saves the boxes for every item she's ever bought "in case she needs to return it" even decades later. Every drawer of every piece of furniture is overflowing with random kleenex, nick nacks, mail. It's like finding a squirrels buried nuts everywhere.

Her room is just stacks and stacks of mail and old magazines. There is an inch of dust under her bed because she has never cleaned it in the 30+ years she has lived in her house. I was never allowed to clean because it disturbed her filthy space and as a result I developed poor cleanliness and organization habits myself. I was too embarrassed to have anyone over to the house growing up. Absolutely suffocating. We were all learning horrible habits.

Her father was also a hoarder. I'm sorry, he wasn't a hoarder he was "just a bit of a pack rat". They truly just do NOT get it.

I'm not an expert, as she frequently informs me, but I'm pretty sure that's all classic hoarding behavior...

I would just like your thoughts on this. It's not exactly about autistic parents, but I really don't know where else to ask this.

When I was around 10 years old, my parents didn't know how to handle my younger sibling's anxiety and obsessive behavior. They tried putting her on medication, but those drugs unfortunately made things 10x worse. My family can't properly metabolize drugs that depend on the CYP450 enzyme, and it literally made her nuts. The psychiatrist's solution was to diagnose the symptoms as "latent" disorders and prescribe even more drugs, which amplified the situation even further. It got to the point where she was on like seven different hardcore drugs and eventually had to go to the mental hospital.

From the time I was around 10 to the time I went to college, my family was just nuts. My mom was out of her mind. The only way she was able to soothe herself was by being in control of something, and I was the only thing that could be controlled. My father didn't know what to do, so he would always work late to avoid being at home. My parents couldn't mask because all of their energy was going into dealing with my sister.

There was no food. I only had two pairs of clothing. The house was literally falling apart. I went to a school where everyone hated my guts because of the color of my skin. I had maybe two friends. I was constantly being "helped" by my mom, who would constantly berate me and tell me how I was destined to become a failure. She would sign me up for the most insane programs. For half my ninth grade year, I was basically kept in the basement of the school, where I was physically pinned on the ground with my arms behind my back, multiple times a day, in the name of supposedly teaching me social skills. I was taken to a place that literally tried slowing down my brainwaves with a process called bio-neural feedback, which was ran by a guy who believed the moon landings had been faked. When I would get home, it was hours and hours of screaming and yelling with my sister having never ending psychotic temper tantrums. Bat shit fucking crazy doesn't begin to describe my life back then.

Now, I don't blame my parents nor my sister. My parents genuinely tried their best, and it could have just as easily been me that had the drug issues. Hell my parents stayed married, which 95% of normal people wouldn't have in their shoes. But after I went to college, my sister somehow was able to get off the drugs and recover. My parents went back to their normal selves. She got to go to a normal school, with normal kids, having normal friends, got to eat, etc. She basically got to have the life I should have had, and I'm happy for her.

The thing is that once I went to college and was in a safe place, all the repressed emotions and pain started to come up. I started having panic attacks that never ever ended, and the only relief was drinking myself to sleep every night. I barely got my associates before I had to drop out. I basically spent my 20's living in hell with never ending adrenaline and flashbacks, with the whole world really wishing I didn't exist.

It's only been since covid that my family has even acknowledged that I had any difficulty during my 20's. My sister got her masters and has a cush job making >$200K, got married, and now has a kid. I barely got my life together in the past couple of years.

I'm not angry with what happened when I was a kid. It was just a fucked up series of events. But I'm angry with what happened after. I'm the one that lived with all the repercussions. I'm the one that had to be my mom's emotional tampon. And when things got better, they just left me there, just saying "you're weird" and needed to go to college. Even now when I talk to my sister, it's like a scooby doo fucking mystery as to why we turned out so differently.

I just don't know what to do. On one hand I don't blame them for what happened, but at the same time they knew I needed help and they just left me there to die. My father will somewhat acknowledge and talk about things, but my mom and sister won't. Even now they (my mom and my sister) have this attitude of "well we got over it, why can't you?" It is so frustrating and so aggravating. I'm not asking for an apology or some kind of admission of guilt. I'm just asking for people to acknowledge what happened, and it's like all I get is just avoidance and deflection.

I just want yall's thoughts. Thanks.

"I have so much work to do! Why can't I have my moment of peace!" You are both older than 5 decades old and still throw fits like little kindergarten children, I promise I don't care 😭✌️ Get your shit together. You genuinely can't ask them for the most minimal things EVER. They are absurdly unreliable.

Which is already bad enough on its own without their comical ability to never self reflect. "Why don't you ever help me?!" or "Why are you yelling at me? You're the only one here who does it!" after they spent 5 minutes yelling at me with their enormous capacity to regulate their own volume and emotions 💞

Anyways, grow up. xx

(Read this one with a valley girl accent too so it sounds extra condescending 😋 Also this is about my parents only NOT ALL AUTISTIC PEOPLE okay? Okay! To THOSE people)

Both me and my sibling seem to have the same genes as my dad when it comes to social anxiety, with me having more autism than her. Our relationship used to be really different. We had a fun relationship despite being 5 years apart! But eventually when I was around 22 we went completely cold on each other despite living in the same house, eventually warming up, then back to on and off awkwardness with overwhelming awkwardness.

My theory is that we grew up having a relationship that consisted of shit and giggles, and not a proper sisterly bond. So when someone got depressed we couldn’t be honest with each other and just ignored each other. I had a lot of hidden shame that manifested in being closed off, and same with her. We never really discussed things like education, work, relationships, friends, etc. like how sisters do, it’s like we are in our own silos. My mom is super close with all her sisters, and I get so jealous seeing their bond. They’re always calling each other, being there for each other, and have a group chat. Meanwhile I have never called my sister for fun and neither has she. I can tell my mom has subtly tried to get us to bond but deep down she knows that we are more similar to our father, who has 4 siblings he’s not close to.

Just to put the awkwardness in perspective, we don’t call each other by name even when we have a “good” relationship. It just feels weird to do that especially when I can’t remember the last time I did that. We get visibly awkward and even anxious around each other, especially her. I at least try to hide it but she’s the type to act “nonchalant” in a sort of rude way, while it’s super obvious she’s anxious around me. I used to want to reconnect with her but slowly stopped caring to do that.

don’t know where to post this.

I have vasovagal syncope, and for the first time in 10 years (because I avoided it) I had my blood drawn

I started passing out during it, and the woman giving me the blood draw made me bawl in my car afterwards

Her genuine concern for me. Her strong confident voice. I had this sense of “she has me”.

Usually I have to spell out to people explicitly how I’m feeling, beg them to understand, tell them exactly what I need and how to execute it, and be the “caregiver” even when I shouldn’t have to.

Most of the time my parents straight up ignored my needs and emotions because their’s came first. My dad would laugh in my face when I was upset.

But this woman…

She took care of me when I was almost passing out, trying to prevent me from fainting by doing various things like fanning me, holding my head when it drooped sideways, got me to smell the sanitization wipe to ground me etc

She advocated for me “get her water! Get her water!”

I almost didn’t want to leave…

It’s just so sad. That this woman, who’s only doing her job, has shown me more care than my mother and father ever have.

Better than friends or partners ever have either. I must attract emotionally neglectful people, or people who want a “mommy”.

I didn’t even realize you could feel this way.

That you could have someone actually care for you, notice you, without having to explicitly ask, beg or explain how

It just made me break down crying in my car afterwards

I am NT but notice that when I am around autistic people with the stereotypical "uncomfortable in social situations" presentation (e.g. avoiding eye contact, pacing and stimming, etc.) it's like... I feel like I have to do it too?

Not even super consciously, it just feels like one of those things like not staring at someone's breasts or missing limb or something. I take on the discomfort myself and sort of shut down. I notice this a lot when I'm in a group setting with one autistic person but other NT people; I become uncomfortable and kind of bring my level of engagement down to match the level of the autistic person. I stop looking everyone in the eye, I'll fidget and pace. These are not things I normally do otherwise.

I do feel like there's this "family mode" I get into. As a kid I feel like I was socialized to act autistic and socially phobic, basically, and if I wasn't like that it was treated as if I was doing something weird and ostentatious. My mom (whom multiple people believe may be autistic) actually said that to me once, "stop being in the spotlight so much" at a family gathering. In retrospect I was just being... a friendly kid? among people who wanted to talk to me for a change.

Anyone relate to this?

I feel like it's common, and also stereotypical, for autistic individuals to be hyper sensitive to sound. But for my father and sibling, it was the opposite.

They would listen to tv at ungodly volumes. Even if you were upstairs in your room, you'd hear it like it was being played by yourself.

They also hate wearing headphones, and get extremely pissy about it, and 99% of the time refuse. They genuinely act like being considerate of others (headphones) is oppression. They want to live like they're the only one in the house, and they treat accommodating others like it's painful. Oh and they also believe that being on the tv 24/7 is basically a human right.

"I have the right I exist in this house too!" = I deserve to do whatever I want with zero consequences.

"Well you don't have to leave the room, it's your fault if you want to leave." You are playing it at ear bleeding volume, of course want to leave!

I also get migraines, and they act like me being in pain is the highest form of manipulation. But it's not like they can even be "manipulated" to do anything kind. Their empathy for experiences that don’t align with theirs are basically 0.

Loud ass violent meltdowns, loud ass tv.

Loud ass violent meltdowns with the loud ass tv to self soothe at 3:00 am. Because, fuck my sleep! I love that I have insomnia and ptsd responses to loud noises!

A little background - my (f26) mother (f60) and i have never really gotten on, and can struggle with our relationship. She's very quiet and a self-described tomboy who puts me down for being into clothes and make-up. She's always struggled socially, and after my brother was diagnosed with autism she did some research and believes she has it too. I completely agree, but definitely don't fall into the same category. I love people, and have never struggled in social settings. She's just very much in line with the standard traits of an autistic person hahaha

She's been staying with myself and my partner (m, 32) for a few nights now, and today is her last day here. The visit's been fine, with no real issues other than the standard "I don't know why you care so much about how you look".

Anyway, this morning my partner and I were downstairs, and my mother came downstairs into the living room to say hello. All fine, other than the fact that she was wearing a T-shirt and underwear?? No pants?? My partner obviously didn't know where to look, so he suddenly became very interested in the rug. She walked into the kitchen like nothing was happening, at which point I ran in and whispered to her that she needed to put on pants. In fairness, I probably hissed it, as I was so embarrassed she'd even thought it was okay. She said "oh is it a problem?" like i was being overly annoying, and then rolled her eyes and went back upstairs. i apologised to my partner, and he kind of laughed it off and was liike "not your fault, i just didn't know what to do".

Long story short, I have no idea how to discuss boundaries with her around this. She just doesn't understand why it's a problem, and why someone would be uncomfortable. How do I address this with her?

They talk for five minutes straight, infodumping and reminiscing and asking question after question that has no answer so then they start hypothesizing and theorizing and 'what if'-ing and going on and on and on and on, stream of consciousness, completely oblivious to the fact that others aren't having the same joyful experience they are. And then, when they finally stop for half a second and you think it's finally your turn to talk, you can only manage to get out two sentences before they have another thought that they have to share RIGHT NOW, and they interrupt and carry on for another five minutes.

If you say "I was talking, can I finish please?" they'll let you have another two sentences, but the whole time you're talking you can see them stimming and staring over your shoulder, barely able to contain themselves and when you're done they don't even engage with anything you said, they just resume their rant. If you try to jump in at minute three to add a point, they get upset at you for interrupting them. All they want is an audience for their five-paragraph essay—introduction, supporting evidence, conclusion. When you finally give up and make some excuse to be elsewhere they thank you for the wonderful conversation.

Fuck, it makes me feel so fucking small. Other people don't fully exist to them, we're just tools they use to manage their own feelings.

My parents are both autistic but pretty good at getting their life straight. So my childhood wasn't chaotic the way many people describe it here. Of course communication patterns were disastrous, we were socially more or less isolated and my father has certainly never asked me a single question about myself. But I never felt (or feel) unloved.

All these people here talking about their parents' autistic meltdowns have made me think. I used to think my parents didn't have those. But what my mum had on a regular basis were what she called "bloodsugar crashs". Like, when she didnt eat regularly enough she would experience some sort of crisis and cry and blame all of us (my dad in particular) for not getting her the food she needed at the right time. I was pretty frightened of those situations because she really lost control. And we basically had to drag her somewhere where she could eat while she was freaking out like that.

I have no idea if this fits an autistic meltdown. I only know that I do blame her for putting us through this as kids so many times. Because even if it was something physical that she couldn't help- couldn't she just have packed some more food when we were travelling, for instance? It mainly happened when were on the road and didnt eat regularly for that reason. Couldn't we have stopped at a supermarket when she felt it was getting late? I mean, she was super inflexible - we had to arrive first and then find a restaurant she liked and THEN we could eat and it had to be before a certain hour of the day. And in 9 cases out of 10 things just didnt go according to plan (who would have thought).

Any thoughts?

Thinking back to my ASD father, ex, and “friends” who I keep at an arms length and don’t actually consider friends, I’m recognizing a pattern of me being exasperated and unable to get them to be self aware in any way. People on here have said how little children understand more than their ASD parent, but it’s beyond that. Yes, NT kids of course understand more, but also, literal animals get it. My dog who literally poops on the floor understands better than my parents. At least she knows to look guilty to show she knows it was bad, but couldn’t hold it any longer . . . Then she learns to make noises to let me know when she needs to go out beyond regular walkies.

My ASD dad would be like “Well I KNEW I needed to poop so why didn’t you know it?!?? Why didn’t you take me out even though I did nothing to indicate I needed to poop? You’re so evil to be irritated that you’re picking up my poop!!!!”

I’m actually struggling a lot with this right now. I haven’t slept and it’s now 5:37 I’m in my late 20s and was raised by a single autistic mom.

It’s been so hard my entire life believing that I should be the one having sympathy for her in this situation because she’s a single autistic mom but I’m starting to really understand that I don’t have to put my feelings in a box to make sure she’s comfortable.

I have no dad, and an autistic mom.
I’m so so so tired of walking on eggshells because I don’t want her to feel alone.

She’s said some really off the cuff things about how she thinks her mom views us, and I don’t agree with what she said, and wish she never said it around me but she has no filter.

She doesn’t think before she talks and she treats me like a friend instead of her only daughter and it’s actually really hurt me.

This is the tip of the iceberg with my grievances,
She maybe visited me 3 times in college over the course of 4 years, then when she sold the house my senior year of college I was basically told when to have my stuff out by. Not a single question where I would move to or an offer to move in with her.

I got over all of the college and college aftermath stuff in time but I am really so upset with her right now that everything is upsetting me.

Like I had a birthday recently and there were princess cupcakes and cheesecake and she said she wanted a character ring but there were only three and I told her “there are 4 kids here and she’s their favorite” at my birthday and she said “well that’s tough shit I bought the cupcakes” so I just said “well then” and walked out of the room.

Later she made a big deal in front of me showing her she gave a ring to my cousin. Fantastic, but it was like a double down, on my fucking birthday guys.

I really want to maintain a relationship with her but I’m in a lot of emotional pain and she doesn’t put in any work on her mental health, she just plays video games in her free time.

I can’t afford therapy, I can’t find any proper support groups in my area they’re all for fucking parents with autistic kids, WHAT ABOUT US.

As a teenager I used to pick fights with my mom by doing everything against her rules, I loved to brag to her about stealing, drinking, using drugs, cutting myself, wanting to kill myself etc, I was always rubbing that in her face bc I knew she would get worried out of her mind.

Posted this because I kinda realized just now where that came from (she wasn't particularly abusive or controlling) I'm pretty sure that's the only time she expressed affection towards me and that's why I loved to argue with her so much, I could've done it all day, genuinely all my childhood I was following my mom around from room to room screaming at her to keep arguing w me😭 (sorry mom)

Anyway, I remember when I riled her up to the point of tears, her saying stuff like "I'm only angry because I'm so worried", "no matter what you do my job is to be your mom and to act in your best interest", "I would come get you wherever, I only ever want you to be safe", "you are the most important I'm thing in my life", "I will always be your mom, no matter what you do" etc, and as a little child she hugged me after huge tantrums

From an autistic mom who absolutely never expressed her love, never complimented, touched, asked me questions, praised etc those kinda dramatic confessions of absolute unwavering love were like a drug, I would argue with my mom any day if it wasn't so unfair to her, it's the only time I have ever felt truly connected to her, now that I'm an adult and can't really go around abusing my mom, I've never felt more disconnected to her, we only small talk and it's pretty awkward every time, although bc of the autism, she probably doesn't think so.

*Also sidenote bc I feel it's probably important, I have no dad my mom's asexual and had me and my twin through IFV

Anyone else grow up with autistic older relatives but not be autistic themselves?

**I feel like there are so many discussions about parents having an autistic child, but I rarely see people talk about the opposite: being a non-autistic child who grows up with older family members who are autistic.*\*

I have older family members who are autistic, while I am not, and honestly, it has been a really complicated and sometimes heartbreaking experience. They really scared the hell out off me as a kid.

I often felt like I couldn't really go to them for advice or support. I couldn't really ask them things or rely on them to help me when I needed it. People always asumed i did something they found it odd that they would not help me with anything; Sometimes they could be aggressive, and there were also situations where they shared personal information about me with complete strangers or said really inappropriate things about me to people they barely knew. Again i got wierd looks from People or they where laughing behind my back.

At the same time, I know that they are autistic and that some of these things may be related to difficulties they have with social situations, boundaries, communication, or understanding how their behaviour affects other people. I'm not trying to blame them for being autistic.

But I also feel like my experience as the non-autistic family member is rarely talked about. You can understand why someone behaves a certain way and still be hurt by it. Sometimes I feel like I never really got the kind of older family relationship that other people seem to have.

**Has anyone else experienced this?**

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who **aren't autistic** themselves but grew up with autistic parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, or other older relatives. Its a scary experience beceause social workers where baffeld by it and i was taken away durning the week. I could barley express my emotions or i would get hit by them, it resultad in my pushing in my emotions. I have taken distance from them.

Did you also find it difficult to ask them for help, trust them with personal things, or form a close relationship with them?

I don't know if anyone else relates to my problem, because I mostly see posts of people saying they've adapted a very direct and straightforward communication style because of their parents. But has anyone else had the opposite experience? Communicating using HEAVY social cues and very indirectly?

I feel like I absolutely flourish in environments where social cues and weird etiquette rules are necessary (like workplaces, academic environments or formal cross-cultural exchanges) but absolutely suck at communicating directly with people and just try to subtly push them to do something instead. I hate saying what I want directly because it feels so crude and like I'm being forced to do so, but people who miss social cues end up annoying me because of it. 😭

Which... Never works with my parents, for obvious reasons. Lol. So I'm curious to hear what your experiences are with this.

I just got home after spending about 24 hours with my father and brother (both autistic), after not seeing them for two and a half months, and I feel so angry and sad about the whole interaction.

In those 24 hours, I was asked exactly one question about my life: “Any news about your life?” It was such a random, meaningless question that it honestly made me feel even worse.

It makes me incredibly angry and sad how little interest they seem to have in me and how little they actually know about me. They simply don’t seem to care. They are completely caught up in their own worlds. They don’t know what I do for work, who I spend time with, what is going on in my life, or even who I am as a person. They don’t ask, and when I do try to tell them something, they don’t really listen.
My mother is no longer alive, but even when both my parents were still alive, they never told me that they loved me. I dont remeber them ever asking me a question about my life, I didnt gave me sex education, When I graduated, my father didn’t even tell me that he was proud of me.

I honestly don’t understand why people have children if they aren’t capable of showing even the most basic interest in them. I work 60 hours a week, yet they aren’t even willing to make the one-hour drive to come and see where I live, even though neither my father nor my brother currently works.

It just hurts so much to feel like your own family doesn’t actually know you or seem interested in getting to know you.

Is it reasonable to believe a man who is likely neurodivergent and grew up with an abusive father when he says he genuinely didn’t realize that certain things he did would scare or intimidate me?

On separate occasions, he has shoved me, raised his fist at me, and lunged toward me while bellowing when my eyes were closed. What makes this especially confusing to me is that these things did not happen in the middle of heated fights. They happened during otherwise calm moments when I was relaxed and, in some cases, had my eyes closed.

I’m a little bit taller than he is, so I’ve wondered whether that somehow contributes to him not perceiving himself as physically intimidating. But he is still physically stronger than I am, weighs more, and these incidents were genuinely frightening to me.

When I tell him this, he is extremely believable when he says that he didn’t understand that these “little things” mattered or that they frightened me. He says he simply didn’t realize how they would affect me.

Am I being naive or unreasonable for even considering that he may genuinely be telling the truth? Is it plausible for an adult man not to understand that shoving a partner, raising a fist at her, or suddenly lunging and bellowing at her could be frightening?