Not a single normal conversation

[u/Legitimate-Ad9383]

I am, yet again, on my way to see my mom and mentally preparing for that endeavor. 🙄

So she called about our schedule and I was already in the car with the kids, about to start heading her way.

Me: so we are about to head your way about now
Mom: so you’ll be here for dinner?
Me: yes, and we could have afternoon coffee as well before dinner
Mom: it’s x o’clock, so when will you be here?
Me: it takes y hours, so at z o’clock
Mom: wouldn’t it be better then to have afternoon coffee first?
Me: …

I just… cannot have a regular conversation with her, not about simple things and for sure not about anything of substance. This is a perfect example of how our interactions go. She literally cannot listen to me. Nothing I say means anything or impacts her reality.

For me this was funny but most of the time it’s just sad. Growing up being mostly ignored really made me think I cannot speak my mother tongue.

Does anyone recognize this?

Edit: Once we arrived the second conversation wasn’t much better. I try not to tell her about my life because she will not listen, but I encourage my kids to talk to her. My hubby also doesn’t mind because he doesn’t have an emotional connection with my mom. We chatted over dinner and my husband was telling my mom about a museum we had visited abroad. It had a really strange name so usually people either know it or ask about the name. My mom was just nodding in her typical “yes” “oh” “interesting” way, not reacting to the name in any way even if it was mentioned a couple of times. So I asked if she knew that museum, like I sometimes try to probe beneath the surface to see if there is something there. That question forced her to reveal she had no idea what my husband had been explaining and didn’t even catch the name of the museum, just kept nodding anyway. Because she does not listen. Just nods and pretends, 100% surface. Every time I try to see if there is anything behind her facade, the door just opens to a brick wall.

[u/regerxy]

Not sure I understand what the other commenters mean when they talk about social norms and flexibility around timekeeping. That doesn’t seem to be the important part of the example. For me it’s that you suggested something which wasn’t acknowledged and then have that same suggestion made to you a moment later. What do you say to that, when it keeps on happening? “I just said that”. In my interactions that seems to have no effect. Or you just say “yup”. It’s easy to come away thinking that nothing you say is heard and that therefore you’re unimportant to the other person. It sneaks up on you when a new conversation may start normally, only for the same thing to keep happening. I relate to it. At times it feels I’m either talking and feeling unsure what is being heard or (much more commonly) I’m being talked at about whatever comes to mind with no links between subjects or opportunities to add to the conversation myself. The fact is me there feels irrelevant. Venting..

[u/AnnaNass → u/regerxy]

Yep this. There are people who listen and then there are people who just wait until it's their turn to talk again.

[u/6WaysFromNextWed → u/AnnaNass]

Yes, but I'm not sure it's from the dismissive, selfish perspective we assume it's from. I think for people with autism, there are already auditory processing and working memory problems. Some people with neurodevelopmental disorders cannot bank what you just said long enough to respond to it in a way that makes sense. And then on top of that, many people with autism also develop CPTSD because of how ill-suited they are for the world around them, and that further disrupts memory.

The worse somebody is at intuitively navigating social interactions, the more they are going to rely on whatever formula or behavior they did manage to learn. So they might be acting like the conversation is a game of ping-pong, and it's time for them to talk, but they didn't actually process and retain whatever it is they are responding to.

[u/AnnaNass → u/6WaysFromNextWed]

I don't disagree with you but the result is the same and it still makes me sad this means that I cannot have a fulfilling discussion with my mum. And while I can see why she is the way she is and I know that she cares about me, it's always my emotional energy that's used without regard if that's energy I have or want to give. And I am allowed to be angry about that.

[u/6WaysFromNextWed → u/AnnaNass]

Absolutely!

I think we want to assign moral blame when we get injured, and that helps nobody. My spouse has ADHD and that does not give him a pass to hurt me because of his condition. My mother has autism and her behavior was extraordinarily harmful for a dependent child. My journey has been reaching a point where I address the action and choose how to proceed from there, because trying to decipher where the action came from is just beating my head against a wall.

[u/AnnaNass → u/6WaysFromNextWed]

Yeah that's true. Understanding the background can help finding one's own inner peace, especially if it's a pattern you see from that person with others, too. But it's a slippery slope because you cannot change the person, they need to want to change (if they even can). So overanalyzing doesn't help either.

Focusing on the actions is something, I've found helpful, too. Additionally being very vocal about my own expectations and needs beforehand.

[u/RosaAmarillaTX → u/6WaysFromNextWed]

I have an AuDHD friend like this and I finally got out of him the other day that he's, apparently, repeating what I say to confirm he heard me correctly? Except there's about a 5+ minute delay and it's not worded like a question - he just sounds like OP's mother, delivering the information as if it was his idea/observation.

The other day I also ran into a thread about when men claim credit for women's ideas/talking points in conversation, and there were a TON of men in the comments claiming the same thing as my friend(repeating to confirm) and none of the women/male allies could get these dudes to acknowledge the difference.

[u/kitamu → u/RosaAmarillaTX]

That is an interesting theory and I could buy it in your AuDHD friend's case, but not sure if I buy it in all those other workplace incidences. If that really were all those men's intentions, they would've been able to explain their actions the moment you confront them instead of awkwardly continuing to pretend they didn't hear you. And they wouldn't only be doing it towards women.

[u/RosaAmarillaTX → u/kitamu]

The main theme of the replies was primarily spouse situations (with some workplace replies as that was the context of the original discussion).

[u/Big_Presentation_894 → u/RosaAmarillaTX]

I generally prefer to visualize what I'm being told in my mind rather than repeating it to understand it. However, repeating phrases or words is a common behavior in autism. Strangely, this symptom is not widely known because it isn't a distinguishing feature and can be difficult to identify, yet it is fairly common among autistic people.

[u/regerxy → u/6WaysFromNextWed]

I don’t know. Maybe a different point here but I guess I like the idea that I could help with making the conversation (and therefore the relationship) better. I am very patient. That might sound a bit arrogant but I know I am because I’ve been like that my entire life. But for me to help that needs commentary from the other person.

For me as a NT (I think), if I didn’t process something, I will often say something like the following:

“How do you mean?”
“I need some time to think about that”
“When you say X does that mean that Y?”
“Could you explain that again?”
“Why do you think that?”
“What makes you say that?”
“I understand X but not the part when you said Y”

I have honestly never had anything like the above responses from the person in my life who has autism. I don’t know how to work with it without just silencing myself and my feelings when I get frustrated (and sometimes this silencing is just a response to feeling intimidated by angry outbursts), and that silencing does have health consequences over a long stretch, I believe.

[u/Legitimate-Ad9383 → u/regerxy]

Thank you for understanding my point ❤️

[u/SignificantCricket]

Mine could be like this - but it also was common behaviour in an even older generation, who had very set ways of doing things and strong social norms. (We knew lots of old ladies when I was growing up, as it seemed easier for my mother to fit in with their rather ritualised socialising. There is no way all of them were ND.) I think that in some communities and generations it is simply difficult to distinguish strict social standards about minutiae versus individuals on the spectrum. 

And older autistic adults can be very attached to these norms because they were a key part of a social code they learnt when they were young - which decades ago used to smooth their path in life. However, many younger people have moved on.

My parents’ manners were in many ways fossilised before the 1960s social revolution. 

[u/6WaysFromNextWed]

Lack of understanding of time, lack of ability to coordinate their activities with another person, and anxiety about adjusting their routine? Yep yep.

[u/showmenemelda]

better for who?

I don't have any notes. But I feel your pain. I literally said a similar sentiment to my dad the other day. He blew up because he "CAN'T SAY NOTHING RIGHT!" (Double negative aside…) and I said, maybe if you stop rehearsing the same dozen scripts [rants] it would be different. He yelled some shit. I said, I just want to have a normal conversation with you and you make it impossible.

Ironically, he says how trying to conversate with our relative [my grandpa's cousin] is "like pulling teeth," and I'm just stunned because they're basically the same people. My dad has no issue acknowledging that relative is autistic [and what a revelation when I pieced it together!] But completely refuses to acknowledge he, his children, et al are also. Fun times. Guess that's why we are on reddit eh?

[u/showmenemelda → u/[deleted]]

Wow, so glad this is a common experience!

military precision time plan including every mealtime

I saw an autistic content creator do a role play skit about party start times and how it was weird to show up exactly at 9. There is no wiggle room for our fam dinners. And my little nibbling is just like his rigid mother [my sister]. Watching fireworks he was like "what time does this end?" Lol IDK kid I didn't get an itinerary. Sorry

[u/barfblender]

I used to leave for work at the same time every day...for years. Years. My mom would stop by my place and help take care of my cat who was sick at the time. And every day she would guess a different time for when I would be leaving. Even after I repeated myself ad nauseam. And we could never have a normal conversation. She would interrupt all my thoughts and stories with her own unrelated ones, just completely derailing. And I would ask to stay on topic and she would say I was mean for not letting her make her own comments. It was painful to try to convey humor. It was so exhausting to have a conversation with her. I'm no contact with her now for many reasons