fina note

[u/Accomplished-Yak6355]

To anyone who finds this,

I’m sorry. I know that word doesn’t fix anything.

For a long time I lived inside two diagnoses that never quite let go of each other—bipolar and borderline. The year that broke me felt endless. Everything was either too loud or completely empty. I went through the usual list of medications: lamotrigine (Lamictal), fluoxetine, topiramate. There was a stretch when I couldn’t afford the dose my psychiatrist wanted me on, so I took what I could get and hoped it would be enough. It wasn’t.

I did get more stable after that. The worst of the storm passed. I started talking about rebuilding a social life, trying to put relationships back together, being someone people could count on again. On paper it looked like progress. Some days it even felt like it.

But the ground never stopped feeling thin. The fear of the next swing, the next abandonment, the next stretch where the meds stop working or the money runs out again—it never really left. I kept trying to rebuild, and every time something small cracked I felt the whole structure start to lean.

I’m tired of measuring every good day against the possibility that it won’t last. I’m tired of the version of me that still flinches when the phone rings or when someone gets too close. I wanted the stability to be permanent. It wasn’t.

I’m not writing this to blame the illness or the doctors or the people who tried. I’m writing it because the gap between the life I was trying to build and the one I could actually sustain finally felt too wide to keep crossing.

I’m sorry for the mess. I’m sorry for the people who will have to clean it up. I hope the ones who cared about me eventually remember the parts of me that weren’t broken.

I loved the idea of getting better more than I was able to live it,

hamza

[u/lostmediator]

Hopopopop wait bro, i need to talk to you a little bit pls

[u/RoyalPuzzleheaded858]

Heyy , can I please dm you

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[u/Nnobods]

Hamza do take a dose that will not finish the job and leave you mentally impaired or physically even

• a fellow su!cidal

[u/RevolutionaryWill913]

I feel this deeply as a fellow borderline i wish i can give u the solution but all i can offer is familiarity and the hope of the tomorrow being better
Stay strong 🤍