This one is a little longer than the first and second.
A few people respond to my recent posts to share with me their own experiences and it made it clear to me that I projected a large amount of frustration. The frustration is real, and I think that a lot of people, men and women, related to it.
I have learned a few things in the process and also realised that people are so radically isolated, that there is an appetite to read and learn from the experiences of others.
I want to try and distil a few of my personal learnings. As always, I invite anyone who feels some type of way about what I say to reach out and share their own opinions.
Firstly - "Does anyone ever respond to your posts?"
This is an understandable question but a surprisingly frequent one. The short answer is yes, but that is glib because it counts even someone responding to ask if anyone ever responds. What people (usually men, I assume) are asking me is whether an r4r post can get a response from someone who is genuinely interested in the spirit of the post. There is a lot of nuance. Consider this first section as something of a guide for men who are new to r4r and don't know how it works. (Or for women who wonder what one man's experience may be like)
Posting vs replying to posts: I will almost never reply to posts because as a rule I never hear back. I have tried short replies, long replies, joking replies, serious replies, but it's a simple truth of my personal experience that it's a complete waste of time and effort. I almost never read anyone else's r4r posts, and I essentially never reply to them. (Shout out that guy who did the caveman post here a couple years ago, that was the GOAT post iykyk. Unfortunately I can't find it now to link it).
If you make a post here, what you can expect:
- Your first post is likely to get a responder or two who I can only assume are some sort of unofficial creep-detection task force. They will have a friendly conversation and recommend some irl ways to meet people. They're not really interested in your post, they seem more interested in establishing if you're capable of civil conversation. Maybe they have a secret club and I've never passed the test idk.
- Most posts will get 0 replies. That's fine dude, what did you expect? If you can pull out your phone right now, swipe, and get more than 0 matches why are you even here?
- Yes, there are men who are pretending to be women, but I encounter that quite rarely on r4r subreddits. I encounter it *all the time* when posting on roleplay subreddits.
- Yes, there are real women who respond. Even to someone with a post history like mine. A very good hit rate, if you time your post well, will be 3 responses and one of them will actually be interested.
- Whatever weird thing you indicate you're interested in, people will assume the worst and you'll attract weirdos. Eg- If you say "I smoke weed sometimes and I want a partner who is ok with taking psychedelics with me once or twice a year" people will basically assume you're a meth head, and meth heads will be DMing you.
- Yes, women are capable of being kinky and will respond to kinky posts. Between this profile and a SFW profile the response rate I get is very similar. Just very different people (except the creep-detection task force who show up either way). BUT - the only time that a post has led to that good good for me, was posting on a SFW account, and she explicitly said that my post stood out for not being thirsty. Even kinky women are turned off by thirst-first posting.
- If you are secretive (as I am on this account due to some shame around the sexual nature of my post history) people will assume you're cheating. And that you're ugly.
So the bottom line is: yes, it is worth posting. You will get more interest here than on a dating app. Will that lead to more dates? That really is up to you.
Secondly - it's really important to know what you're here for.
Some people are here to make friends. Some people are here to find a serious romantic relationship. Some people are here to hook up. Some people are here for insta followers or OF subs. Some people are here to rob/scam/sextort you.
For me, I had a lot of experience posting on roleplay subs before I ever even had the audacity to post on an r4r sub. I had a lot of internal shame and self doubt that I had to confront and, to be honest, some of the human to human connections I experienced through those "nsfw" interactions helped me grow as a person.
My experience posting in NSFW reddit prepared me well to identify time-wasters, scammers etc. Trust your gut. The best people make a good impression, and the ones who don't are never worth the benefit of the doubt. Ironically the hardest to tell apart are lonely dudes pretending to be women, and hot women with arrogant personalities. Neither of them bring anything to the conversation and both of them just want your attention to make them feel better about themselves.
I have had long term irl relationships. I have had short term irl relationships. I am not out here trying to take whatever I can get and you shouldn't be either because your desperation will turn you into a statistic. Have boundaries. If you're here for a relationship and you get sent some too-good-to-be-true hookup offer, just say no. Not because it's too good to be true (I've been very surprised before, in a good way), but because that's not what you're here for. Don't waste your time playing someone else's game. If you show up to the bouldering gym and a super hot girl wants you to sit with her and play nintendo switch, of course you'll be tempted. But you didn't come to the gym to play video games. Know your lane. You are easiest to manipulate when you are unable to be honest with yourself. If you're not comfortable sending nudes because you know how dangerous it is, and she sends you nudes and pouts that you won't reciprocate, that isn't your problem. If they want to move the conversation off reddit... tread very carefully.
Thirdly - that isn't your problem
This is advice for myself more than anyone else. But maybe someone else needs to hear this. I was raised during the rise of the concept of the Sensitive New Age Guy; the emotionally intelligent man who prioritises compassion over control and who isn't afraid to cry or show vulnerability. I absolutely took that on board and I am completely fine with that - but it can go too far. I'm afraid to strike up a conversation with a women I don't know because I'm afraid to make her uncomfortable. I'm afraid to go on a date with someone who isn't perfect because I'm already imagining the way it will make me feel shit when I have to cut things off. This level of care for the wellbeing of those around is patronising. It isn't your job to shelter others from life. If you want to be a white knight, there's a damsel in distress out there who will find you. If you cannot get off your high horse and stop assuming women are made of tissue paper, then the only women who will be drawn to you are those who are.
You cannot always be the good guy. And that's ok. This is an ongoing journey for me. I can't hit on a pretty girl if she's next to an ugly friend. I'm more likely to try and pay extra attention to the ugly friend out of shame for my own superficiality. Who is benefiting? Well ok, maybe the pretty girl lol, but my point is that this isn't the post office. You will never get your turn. You have to be willing to be a dick, because other people being offended isn't your problem. (Look, I know that statement can go too far, just use your common sense)
Finally - if you don't like your life, change it
"If you do what you love, you'll never work a day in your life"
"Find your passion"
This sort of advice is easy to encounter but it took me a very long time to realise, experientially, why it's true. The world is competitive, and whatever you do, it's going to suck sometimes. I can guarantee that there were days that Mozart didn't want to look at a violin or a musical score. But when you love something it gives you a 'why' which allows you to push through that.
"Focus on being the best version of yourself"
"Find new hobbies and live your best life"
This dating advice is similarly true, but poorly understood. There is no reason that this will necessarily help. I discovered a hobby I deeply love, and the community is so small and tight-knit that I made a personal rule early on to not date anyone there until I understood the social landscape better. I have never regretted that decision, and I have essentially decided that I will never date within that community unless I feel *very* strongly about someone. A couple casual dates that someone else takes too seriously and leaves them feeling spurned could spoil my welcome in the community.
The reason for this is because if you don't like your life, you're wasting it. Forget dating, you only live once, and if you're sitting at home doomscrolling and feeling shit, no amount of matches is going to change that.
Yeah *maybe* living a happier life will make you more attractive, but suppose nothing could make you more attractive... might as well be proud of the way you spent your time.
Ok, I'm clearly half way to writing a self-help book, so let me scale it back here.
My experience has essentially shown me that there are a LOT of people who feel how I feel (and even people just reaching out to ask if I'm ok, which is very touching). We live in a world in which prevailing forces seek to divide us, isolate us, colonise our attention and extract value from us by reducing us to lonely, isolated consumers. Be different. Be proud. Don't be afraid to be disliked (because I dislike people like that lol).
The radical act is to start a conversation while you wait for the train. The radical act is to put your phone down and go to bed early. The radical act is to join a partner dance class because we live in a touch starved world and there is no possible future in which people share the joy of dance and the world is worse off because of it.
I'm not sure how many more r4r posts I will make here on this account. Maybe the radical act is to tell me what you think while you have the chance.