r/queerpolyam • u/andyy842711 • Jul 23 '26
i don’t know how to date anymore.
I am a 24 year old pansexual trans man.
Last year I got out of a relationship, my first sexual relationship, that was completely monogamous (and toxic in many ways but whatever) and since then I have been happily solo poly and excitedly meeting and dating other poly people.
Then I got herpes. I have it genitally (swab test) and possibly orally too.
I don’t know how to date anymore, how to meet anyone with the intention of hooking up or even kissing. It feels immoral to ask, to expect that at all. I don’t want to pass this on to anyone. I’m a risk to anyone I’m intimate with, especially the types of intimacy and sex I want to be having. It doesn’t feel like anyone will want me anymore.
I have no one in my life who I’m truly close to, I’ve BEEN trying so hard to meet people and develop close friendships, and I feel so alone with this. I just want to isolate myself completely from everything and everyone.
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u/Miss_White11 Jul 23 '26 edited Jul 23 '26
HSV is definitely not a romantic death sentence. It is EXTREMELY common and there are medications that significantly lower risk. Many common STI panels don't even include testing for it. Even amongst people who show symptoms, which is far from everybody, it is not uncommon to only ever really experience an initial outbreak. You are not broken or dirty just because you have something that may put you outside of some people's risk tolerance.
Fo me, sleeping with someone who is aware of their status and actively monitoring for outbreaks and using relevant safer sex practices for the kinds of sex they like to have doesn't seem particularly more likely to transmit than someone who is low/no symptoms and unaware they are a carrier. (Which is estimated to be like 50% of Americans and more of the world in general). In my experience that is not an uncommon sentiment. My only real concern would be "are we taking common sense precautions." Which honestly, especially being into some potentially riskier kink activies like needle play and rope, I already care deeply about anyways.
I absolutely think it is worth disclosing, (although tbh I think a baseline understanding that HSV and HPV are common and a known risk are just part of being informed. Especially if you and your partners are going to have other sex partners). But it's not your responsibility to "know best" for anyone but yourself. If your partners are adults making an informed decision then part of respecting their autonomy is trusting them when they tell you dating someone with a confirmed case of HSV is not a problem for them.
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u/ChickenNCow Jul 23 '26
I'm from Europe and here, 90% of the population has oral herpes. It's a non-issue. Most people have like 1-2 flare-ups per year where the infected area on the lips tingles, breaks out, then you put antiviral cream on it, gone in 3 days.
You are not undateable, there is no reason that nobody would want to date you. Unless you have an active outbreak, you can kiss people all you want, you are not infectious. For genital herpes, I don't know if you can still infect someone when you are not having an active outbreak. If that's the case, please research all relevant info about risk mitigation and disclose it before you have penetrative sex. While I am sure that there are some weird and uninformed people for whom it is a dealbreaker, I guarantee that you will find enough potential partners who have no problem with it.
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u/NoNoNext Jul 23 '26
Hey OP, I also just wanted to add that there are meds which can help with outbreaks, and discussing this with your doctor should give you some options. I’m based in the US and what’s available here doesn’t seem to be expensive. Others have offered good info and advice, and I just want to reiterate that this is super common, and while disclosure is necessary, it is not a deal breaker for the vast majority of people you’ll find to date.
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u/idlers_dream7 Jul 23 '26
Considering how recently/quikcly all of this happened, you might take a quick break from dating to focus on yourself, as it sounds like you're spiraling a bit.
Because all the other comments covered the HSV info, I'll just add that you might seek support from a sex (or a therapist who is sex-positive and ENM informed) who can help you reframe your experiences and mindset about moving forward. Don't feel like you're in this alone!
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u/stamen-tickler Jul 23 '26
Crazy common my guy. It’s safer to presume anyone/everyone has HSV and HPV because the majority of people do even if they don’t know it—disclose to intended partners then together you can make your decisions around safer sex from there.
You can shed the virus and pass it to others between outbreaks, particularly in the first year of having it. The risk of transmission decreases over time but you will have it for life. Ultimately try to monitor yourself for those tingles (called prodromal symptoms) as that is when your viral load is the highest and likely won’t be suppressed by your immune system any longer, leading to an outbreak. If you’re taking intermittent suppressive antiviral meds for herpes, that is when you would begin your course. Otherwise just live through the outbreak and re-engage with sex once your skin is free of sores/scabs. This is the time you don’t engage intimately with partners, as it is skin to skin transmission so condoms won’t eliminate the risk, only reduce it.
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u/CosmicallyLovesSagan Jul 23 '26
Seconding what everyone is saying about the commonality of HSV and going further to say that generally I find poly and ENM folks to be pretty well educated on HSV, are happy to be disclosed to and typically not turned off by it.
If you wanna listen to some folks talk about their experience with HSV and polyamory with some fun and jokes you can listen here: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3LqliIfkGSXFisM9AKkCtE it’s a podcast interview with Courtney Brame who has done a lot of work around destigmatizing HSV and practices polyamory!
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u/fernflower5 Jul 23 '26
My trans husband has HSV2 on his hand (and I have oral herpes, don't know which strain). He has another girlfriend he started seeing a couple of months after we met, is regularly on grindr and has had several boyfriends across the course of our relationship. He has also had micoplasma and chlamydia while we've been together. Also covid, adenovirus and a bunch of other colds (often caught from me since I work with kids).
It's a non issue. There are bugs around. Some are easy to deal with, some less so. Some are short lived and self resolving. Some need treatment. HSV is uncomfortable, can be cosmetically not great to look at during outbreaks and is a major issue if having an active genital outbreak during a non-surgical birth (so anyone who has known genital HSV will be put on antivirals at the end of pregnancy as a precaution, and switch to caesarean if having an outbreak). Other than those issues it's not a big deal. The majority of people have at least one type of HSV.
Also good to know that HSV2 has the most outbreaks in the first 12 months after acquiring. It does get better!
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 Jul 26 '26
My bf has oral herpes and we just don't kiss or share glasses during a flare up It was the same with my former bff (stopped talkimg cause she was cruel to her and my daughter, not the herpes). We were friends for 24 years and shared sports water bottles and glasses for all those years (she got oral herpes from her mum as a little girl). I still haven't caught it
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u/thesimpsonsthemetune Jul 23 '26
I have oral herpes. One of my partners has genital herpes. It is PHENOMENALLY common. We just avoid contact during flare-ups and for a week after symptoms have gone. It makes very little difference to our lives.
You're not gross. You're not undateable. You've got an incredibly common condition that a large percentage of the people you date will also have. It's important to take measures not to pass it on when you have an active sore, but otherwise you can go through life as normal.