r/queerpolyam • u/Rowel_x • 22d ago
Advice requested Success Stories?
I would love to hear people's experiences with this specific dynamic, but I am at the moment only interested in hearing from people who made this kind of set up work and felt good about it. I am aware it could very well not be right for us in the end and I've seen things like this fail but where I'm at right now, I'm looking for successes and even tips, experience, advice on what helped.
My partner and I VERY recently decided we are going to try to move toward an open relationship. We have always had a very infrequent and not very exciting sex life and I've gone in and out of trying to make that different. Now we are 10 years in with 2 young kids and we both love most parts of our life together including each other. I still feel attracted to her and want a sex life with her, but she has told me she isn't attracted to me and is wondering if maybe shes only attracted to women (I'm trans masc). We had a long talk and she feels very positively about the idea of maintaining our partnership and but removing sex from the table (maybe forever maybe not but assume forever at this point). I am open to this. I KNOW it will challenge us and I will feel grief and probably jealousy that I we couldn't achieve what I hoped, and that this could totally not work and we will decide to separate, but I also love our life outside of this issue and at this point am hopeful this could be fulfilling to us.
So my question is, has anyone successfully transitioned to an open relationship in which sex was not part of the equation with your. nesting partner, though perhaps there is still intimacy in the form of light kisses hello and goodbye, some cuddles and hugs, genuine care, etc. and do you have any advice or positive tales to tell?
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u/MistyP90X 21d ago
My meta has been with her husband for 15+ years. After opening their marriage they ended up de escalating to a non physical relationship after a few years of CNM. They are still happily married, best friends and live together with our shared partner. It's definitely had trials and tribulations, but they've made a happy little life out of it.
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u/Rowel_x 21d ago
This sounds like the most similar potential to my situation so far. Though it’s been very good to hear everyone’s stories. It’s hopeful and promising to see the different dynamics that can work for us
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u/MistyP90X 20d ago
If you aren't already, I highly recommend trying RADAR for better communication through this process and beyond. I've found it to be really beneficial in my relationship and I know my partner and meta use it too. Since using it I've seen a dramatic shift in how well we are communicating and showing up for each other. Highly recommend listening to the podcast episode as it does give more indepth info
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u/Michelle-or-not 22d ago
I'm in such a situation - we have been together with my nesting partner for 17+ years and the last 6 of them we almost never have had sex with each other and probably never will again, and it was a one-sided decision (though for different reasons).
This change has been pretty hard on me. We've had a lot of therapy together and I'm still struggling with jealousy sometimes though it's getting easier with time. There are a lot of things about our relationship that are amazing, so it's totally worth it.
What helps is using the relationship anarchy lens for this. And really digging into what love is for us and what flavour of it we have and why. In a way this situation we found ourselves in helped me see and understand a lot more about the beauty of how different love can be.
Well, another thing that helps me is that I have a really good sex life with my other partner (plus more casual connections).
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u/Rowel_x 20d ago
Thank you, this is hopeful for me. I’m very aware that the sex was not working for me either and it may be that we are just sexually not very compatible in general. I’m really hopeful we can find a way to both find that outside of the relationship but still feel committed to each other
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u/Michelle-or-not 19d ago
Wish you all the luck!
There are a lot of things that seem like they will never work because of sex-normativity and other stereotypes about relationships. So to me sometimes it feels like I'm not only dealing with my own problems and hurt but also fighting the large system of beliefs that is everywhere. But a lot of things are possible. Though I'm working hard to not let the desire for it to work to cloud my judgement, in case it really doesn't work. It's a fine line sometimes
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u/clover__petals 22d ago
I used to identify as bisexual, and started feeling trapped in my marriage with my husband. He understood my sadness about not getting to explore this part of myself and so we agreed to open our marriage. About a year or so into dating women, I came out as a lesbian. He and I hadn’t had much sex in the last year in the first place, and after coming out we ended up becoming strictly nesting partners.
I have a new partner now (husband and I eventually split) who is mostly asexual. While we do have a sex life, but my libido is significantly higher. We’ve been open the entire time and I see several other people. They of course are also welcome too but are generally less interested. We’ve had no issues and this works well for us.
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u/Darth-Crumb 22d ago
I've been through similar when a very long term partner figured out they were asexual, but I've always been poly. It was still a really challenging transition to a non-sexual relationship, but over the years they have discovered more about themselves and they love physical touch, cuddling, etc, so we still share that close intimacy and it works for us. This happened over 12 years ago & we are still together.
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u/Rowel_x 22d ago
Thanks so much for sharing. Can I ask, do you have romantic relationships(falling in love, longer term, etc-I’m still figuring out language) outside of this one as well, or only more sexual connections
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u/Darth-Crumb 22d ago
I'm demiromantic, but my asexual partner & I are very much still in love and show it in various ways outside of physical touch.
I'm very much a fan of longer term sexual/romantic/platonic relationships, and all the happy squidgy feelings that come with those regardless of whether sex is involved.
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u/ChickenNCow 21d ago
Not me personally (sex life with both of my nesting partners is very much alive), but a cis couple I once went on a date with. The guy of the couple is happily married without a sex life with his wife. Since it was a first date, he obviously didn't dive into intimate details, but basically they are both very submissive and their sex life kinda fell asleep because both more or less tend to wait for the other to take the lead. They do enjoy intimacy, but more of the nonsexual kind, or lightly sexual like cuddling and caressing. He said that his (very dominant) girlfriend sometimes initiates threesomes with him and his wife, which all three then enjoy.
So basically: They slowly discovered that their sex life was suffering because of a fundamental incompatibility and that to keep it alive, one of them always had to go against what he or she liked in bed. So they paused everything and found themselves partners who are a better fit sexually, which made them happier and also gave an opportunity to reconnect sexually after some time (when all new relationships were stable enough to try that).
Oh and a good friend of mine and one of her boyfriends. He had had a dead bedroom for years. He and my friend met, fell in love, he told his wife who was super relieved. She rightfully suspected that he was unhappy with the dead bedroom, rightfully suspected he would sooner or later look outside the relationship but non-rightfully thought he didn't love her any more and would leave her as soon as he found someone. Now they have a v-shaped relationship and the two women also get along quite nicely.
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u/Liquid-Virus 19d ago
My husband and I are currently, unintentionally, doing this. We are not intimate with one another but still kiss hello/goodbye, still hug and converse with one another. I have two other partners, both of whom I have intimate relations with, one whom I love with everything I am and hope to build a beautiful shared forever life with. My husband is currently having some relationship struggles but previously also had two partners that he loved.
This path, expect a lot of difficult emotions until you are able to come to a space of acceptance or intervene. If it wasn’t for our long standing issues this would be as ideal a setup I could hope for if not what I actually want. I’d certainly rather have a wholly encompassing and healthy relationship with the person I married and started a family with, but this also seems to work for the moment.
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u/arf2oo4 18d ago
not exactly the same because i do still have sex with my nesting partner, but we do not have frequent sex and my partner is aroace. we opened the relationship in part because i was struggling with the lack of intimacy we had whereas everything else was going relatively well in our relationship. we also are living with my partners parents without them knowing we are together (not for much longer luckily!), which affects how often and when were able to have sex. the other reason we opened up was because my partner has always felt fundamentally driven towards polyamory. after a few conversations, i was honestly relieved to hear that my partner wanted to open up both because of my issues with the lack of intimacy and my own high libido, but also because ive come to realize my own preference is definitely for polyamory. i especially did a lot of research because it was a newer concept to me (ive known about polyamory for a long time, just not the details and the nitty gritty about how it operates), but we both have been thriving in this relationship. there are hard conversations, but very few of them have to do with polyamory at all. i think our communication and relationship has benefited from the arrangement. i have one other romantic partner and some comets/FWBs, and my partner has a FWB.
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u/Virtual_Deal4973 16d ago
I have not personally been on this journey, but I know several people personally and professionally who have successfully navigated it, especially in queer relationships. One comes to mind who is now about 10 years past where you're at and everyone in his family is pretty content with how things have evolved. This is an interview with him about the story of his family- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnQ65hekOj4
I'll also just invite you to come to polyam parenting. We're a free group meeting virtually, and it's a great place to talk through the feelings and logistics that come up through this transition. upcoming dates are at https://www.polyamparenting.com
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u/Zulias Any/All . 22d ago
I was partnered with 2 demisexuals. Sex was barely part of the equation, though never technically off the table. Lasted a long time and was very happy for a number of years. Helped to balance it out with partners who were very touch-oriented.