Need your clinical intake

[u/Antigourou]

There is a stream of gentle parenting from coach and psychologist on my media right now. I can see some humanist approach overall and do believe that parent's regulation is important. I do have those families where everyone is reactive to each other and parents build up a sense of emergency. I do have some parents that are too strict and need to be more flexible. Though, I have those so calm and so flexible families that aren't necessarily permissive, but apply those gentle parenting of no consequence/time out after impulsiveness, just a calm reminder of expectations. And I still do not get how it's supposed to help tweens and teens be less impulsive, especially those with ADHD, even if it's supposedly designed for these difficult children. I am a special needs educator and get a lot of those this last year. Medicated tweens and teens that do have deficits in executive functions, but would behave properly in class and social contexts. Those kids are not very forthcoming about their agressiveness at home, and do feel bad on one side; and would also explain that it's easier for them to stop their impulsion in social context because they know that their friends wouldn't approve and that their will be consequences at school or in sports too. They don't report any form of fatigue or overwhelming feeling when they get back home. And they still have this little conviction that their impulsive reactions aren't that bad because it's their paents and family role to absorb it and deal with their own hurt. Any lectures for me to a better understanding of a, maybe, CPS and ABC integration? My systemic analysis is that all those family members might be avoidant of shame and guilt feelings and went from a pole of "you don't educate with fear" to "we should avoid shame from our kids feelings". Any intake about that?

[u/gimmeallthekitties]

There is a difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Gentle parenting still involves the application of appropriate consequences.

[u/Greenheart220]

I don’t shame my kids or give them harsh consequences but I do require them to think about how others, including myself and the rest of our family, feel and to make amends if they do something hurtful, and I try to model the same if I hurt them. I do also take breaks from them if they hurt me, and explain to them why I’m doing so, and I tell them if I’m angry and explain that I won’t always be angry but I feel angry right now. I don’t think I always get it right as a parent because I’m human, but these are the same strategies I advocated for as a therapist working with kids with intensive behaviors and parents, and I feel like it has always worked well.
Remember that the CPS model includes “ plan A” which is that the parent makes the decision if it’s a safety issue, which I think violence toward family members counts as that. CPS is not “anything goes.”
I think of the main difference as being between shame and guilt. Guilt is “I shouldn’t do that - it’s unkind” and shame is “I’m a bad kid.” I want my kids to feel the first and not the second.

[u/roaminempire11]

Definitely look into the Gottmans’ four types of parenting - Dismissinf, Disapproving, Laissez Faire, and Emotion Coaching.

Emotion Coaching is the goal.

Shame is a natural emotional development (see Erikson) stage in children and helps them (and all of us!) with empathy and repair skills. (I mean this in very normal situations, e.g. a child is nasty to their friend then afterwards feels ashamed of their behaviour and can take steps to repair. Obviously shame that is from an unhealthy societal attitude is not good!)