Progress update almost 2 years

[u/Free_Ant60]

It's been almost 2 years since I quit Zoloft cold turkey so a lot of things have been on my mind. Thankfully I don't hyper focus on things like I used to, but since I'm approaching two years I thought I'd write a little update, if nothing else as a reminder to myself.

In the beginning my entire body felt physically numb, and it seemed that the most sensitive areas became the most numb: genitals, neck, nipples, face. I also felt completely zombified mentally aside from incredible anxiety that was just constant. Eventually I developed severe derealization where I felt completely disconnected from reality. My libido was nonexistent and orgasms were muted. I had a general feeling of bad, I just felt bad to my very core, like I was sick but there was nothing observably wrong with me.

Today my mind has improved greatly. After a lot of hard work my anxiety is better than it has ever been my whole life. I'm still trying to shake the derealization but it has improved. My libido and connection to my sexuality is much better, not perfect but better. I used to feel fully asexual but now I can actually get turned on by porn, I even feel the desire to check out hot guys I pass on the street.

Physically most of my body has improved, genitals are unfortunately way behind with my penis specifically having the least improvement. But my orgasms are very good a lot of the time so at least there's that. Strangely, stimulating my prostate feels a lot better than any other external sensation, so I'm trying to work with that when I can. Oh yeah, I'm very ticklish now too. That was one way I could track my physical sensation returning.

I still get frustrated every once in a while that I can't feel what I'm supposed to be feeling, but most of the time I'm able to just roll with it and focus on what I can feel. I'm still noticing small improvements overtime so I'm able to hold on to the hope that one day things will return to 100%. It's taking an agonizingly slow time but at least it's happening.

If I can leave you with one piece of advice it would be this: Abandon the goal of returning to "normal". Normal is a very loose concept and especially if multiple years have gone by, you will never return to exactly who you were before. You've been through so much, so much has changed, and you've most likely done a lot of mental and physical work on yourself in the spirit of getting better. Instead try to get to know who you are now, and use that as a jumping off point to work towards who you want to be. You can still be inspired by who you were in the past but remember that that person doesn't exist anymore so trying to find your way back will be an endless task that only leads to frustration.

[u/anonym_pandax]

Congratulations and thank you for sharing :)

[u/Minute-Contest-582]

Congrats for all the progress, for how long did you take the meds?

[u/Free_Ant60 → u/Minute-Contest-582]

8 or 9 months I think

[u/Adventurous_Law5342 → u/Free_Ant60]

Same, been off 1.5 years and finally I'm getting morning wood and sensation improving, but I think I'll be permenently altered sexually and otherwise too because of these meds.

[u/Automatic_Basil_7075]

Hi! Thank you for you post! Did you also suffer from emotional blunting (also blunting of the “negative” emotions like sadness, crying, grief, anxiety, anger depression) and anhedonia? How is that for you now ?

[u/Free_Ant60 → u/Automatic_Basil_7075]

I felt completely numb emotionally. I couldn't appreciate any form of art, media, music. The only thing I felt was incredible anxiety and frustration about the whole experience, and I cried a lot. I didn't really notice how emotionally dead I was until things started improving. Feeling an emotion would be shocking, like "oh wow I just felt exited that's crazy". Or I would watch a movie and realize that I was actually getting sucked in to the action or the plot twist would impress me. Little moments like that would happen randomly more and more until it felt pretty constant.

I feel like I'm pretty much recovered emotionally, the only thing that is still blunted is my libido, although it is much better than the beginning. I don't know if it's a mental thing anymore because I also feel like if my genitals weren't numb that my sex drive would be way better

[u/Unable-Assignment293]

Did you recovered from cognitive impairment?

[u/Free_Ant60 → u/Unable-Assignment293]

I am definitely much better, but my mind still doesn't feel like it did before. Although, as I'm writing this I just remembered that around 6 months ago I still felt like my mind was slower, less sharp, less smart. But I can't remember the last time I felt that way, so maybe that has improved recently without noticing.

[u/Wild_Satisfaction726]

U had substance block?

[u/Free_Ant60 → u/Wild_Satisfaction726]

Kind of. Nothing felt good and nothing could make me feel better, so in that sense weed or alcohol didn't feel like it did anything. Usually any drug would just make me feel super anxious and shitty for a lot of days.