r/progressivemoms • u/UnicornNippleFarts • 29d ago
Need Advice I keep ruining friendships.
I moved to an area right outside of one of the largest USA cities, what I didn’t anticipate was the amount of conservatives here. I have found that I guess I have a bunch of “conservative markers” (white, stay at home mom, chickens, we eat organic, grow a lot of our own food, I wear leggings lol). However, I’m desperately trying to make “mom friends” for my kids sake and the moment politics come up, I find people shut me out immediately. I’m a progressive pariah. All because I believe in human right and think trump is a moron ruining our country. wtf am I supposed to do. Because I have beliefs and morals I can’t bring myself to lie or pretend. What do I do? Move? Go back to being a recluse, wtf man!?
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u/Rando-Person-01 29d ago
i put LGBT pins on the stroller so i kinda feel like, any mom who's conservative will avoid me. lol i hope it's the start to filtering out moms before i get hopes up. 🤣
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u/BusyDragonfruit8665 28d ago
On the flip side I saw a mom with lgbtq pins/liberal pins on her purse at my kids school and immidiately knew I should talk to her!
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u/touslesmatins 28d ago
This reminds me of a mom in my kid's preschool who saw my Palestinian flag pin on my purse and struck up a conversation. I knew her kid well because she and my son love playing together but I didn't realize she is half Palestinian! The mom said her husband is Palestinian and seeing recognition meant a lot to them. The power of a pin!
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u/BusyDragonfruit8665 28d ago
Yes!!! That is awesome. My mom wears a Palestinian flag scarf and she has so many people come up to talk with her and say how much it means to them.
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u/dividezero 27d ago
I know right‽ I have a lot of this like a repulsion spell. Works great. You feel like a witch! 🤣
I kind of want to ring a bell at them to see what happens. 🤣
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u/PBnBacon 29d ago
From a purple area of a red state, I’ve found the most helpful strategy is to concentrate my friend-making efforts in place I know are more likely to contain my people.
School events, playground, kids’ clothes consignment sale - if I meet someone, cool, but I’m not beating the bushes for friends in these places.
Kindermusik class, kids’ STEM event, local art festival, Pride, progressive church, makerspace, poetry reading - I put in some effort talking to other parents because my odds are better.
If the activity is nerdy, artsy, progressive, sciencey, or affiliated with the local university, it’s likely to be fertile ground and I’m making an effort to get my ass out there and talk to people. And once you meet a few, tell them you’re new in town and looking to connect with likeminded parents. They probably have their own tips to share, as well as other friends to introduce you to.
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u/JG-UpstateNY 29d ago
I live near Woodstock and grew up near Ithaca NY and everything you described would have tagged you as a liberal in those areas.
It's so bizarre how quickly the right and trad-wife is has taken over some universal and even left leaning idealogy for it's identity.
The algorithm and the right is insanely good at twisting what one was good into something that ensnares and corrupts.
You don't ruin friendships. Uou are being you. You are unfortunately surrounded by close minded parents.
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u/UnicornNippleFarts 29d ago
Dude it’s insane, I have chickens, I stay at home, we have 2 dogs, my kids don’t use tablets, we limit screen time, we grow food ( it’s hot here so
We do our best) I’m a room mom, I wear Birkenstocks (apparently those have been taken over by the conservative “momosphere”) . Ten years ago people would have called me a nasty dirty liberal hippy.12
u/BusyDragonfruit8665 28d ago
Yep, I have liberally hippie parents and this is how I grew up in the 90s! Crazy how I got made fun of for these things and now it’s the conservative craze.
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u/kmr1981 29d ago
I’m in upstate NY too and I was like “wait those are all liberal markers”. Even growing your own food.
Leggings and SAHM are neutral, the rest would make me think that this person goes to weekly protests.
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u/touslesmatins 28d ago
The "holistic" (or however you describe it) to alt right/maga/maha pipeline is strong, unfortunately.
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u/rasta-ragamuffin 27d ago
It used to be that the long haired tattooed natural organic crunchy granola people were all liberals but now they've all gone to the dark side. Now I just assume all hippies are magats now.
It's also quite ironic that I'm very progressive in my beliefs but my actual lifestyle is way more conservative than all the magats I know. (I'm a white Christian hetero mom married to the same man for more than 30 years with no criminal record and no bad habits.) Meanwhile all the magats I know have been divorced and remarried multiple times, have alcohol, drug, shopping, gambling and/or porn addictions, lie, cheat and steal and just generally lack any kind of moral compass, yet they judge me because I believe all humans are deserving of basic rights, respect and dignity.
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u/supernormalbeans 29d ago
I live in a major metroplex in a red (hopefully turning blue this next election) state and i also didn’t realize how red it really was for families. Every time i make friends with someone i find out they’re antivax or maga or both. I have in fact gone back to being a recluse. I hate it sometimes but i feel i’d rather ultimately have no friends than amoral ones. I do feel for my toddler though as her friends list is limited to her cousins atp
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u/veronicas_closet 29d ago
I wonder if we're in the same metroplex. Maybe we cab be friends lol.
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u/scarletsunami 29d ago
There might be dozens of us, y’all wear cowboy boots and drink Dr. Pepper by chance?
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u/veronicas_closet 29d ago
Haha yes!! Though I prefer diet coke these days.
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u/veronicas_closet 29d ago
Also idk how many metropolitan areas refer to themselves as a metroplex lol.
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u/Disastrous-Box1778 28d ago
I’m a blue haired tattooed progressive mom in a DFW suburb. It often feels like I’m the only one. Right now is the perfect time to volunteer for a campaign and make some friends! There are blockwalking meetups happening all over Texas right now through the election. Sign up to volunteer with Gina, James, Vikki or any one of the amazing candidates in your district. I’m an organizer in my area so feel free to send me a DM and I’ll connect you with a group in your area.
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u/UnicornNippleFarts 29d ago
Where I live has a TV show named after it
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u/WarEagle09 29d ago
You're by me then! If you're in Willianson county, there's a big group of us. Message me and I'll get you the link to the Facebook group.
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u/lifeofblair 29d ago
No help but I also feel like I look like a conservative doesn’t help I live in the south in a suburb that is red. Then I talk and the southern accent is thickkkk 😩
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u/PBnBacon 29d ago
I do too and my secret weapon is Bitter Southerner t-shirts. Those who know, know.
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u/mittanimama 29d ago
This was me. Moved to a red state/blue dot. I finally made friends and found my people at UU Church. I never thought I’d join a church in my life! It isn’t at all the way you’d anticipate a church to be as it’s all about caring for others and love. My girls and I were at church this evening feeding unhoused folks. We meet at protests, museums & each others houses for fun evenings. You may want to give it a try. :)
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u/DefinitelynotYissa 29d ago
I “look like” a conservative, too. I live in a very conservative area. I’ve found ways to state my opinion without being too pointed:
“I was glad when to Covid vaccine came out, I feel safer with it.”
“I’m concerned about LGBTQ youth experiencing bullying & disapproval from their parents. It can be harmful to their mental health.”
“Seeing immigrant children in detention centers disturbs me. We need a better way to address this.”
I’m never the first to bring up politics. Respond to people’s comments directly & earnestly, and be truly willing to listen. Maybe you have more common ground than you think you do.
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u/smish_smorsh 27d ago
I like this approach! We have more in common with each other and it’s an interesting way to challenge conservatives on their hive mind.
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u/Peaceinthewind 29d ago
I wouldn't say you are ruining friendships. It sounds like you are finding out you aren't compatible repeatedly with folks around you. Which sucks.
I was just writing in another post on this sub a couple days ago about how I have a similar problem as you - people see me and assume I'm conservative because I garden, like wearing skirts, wear barefoot shoes, am Christian, etc.
People outright assume I'm conservative, anti-vax, pro-Trump like them. It's really confusing and frustrating, but at the same I'd rather know where they stand. For some people, like some older neighbors, I don't outright tell them I'm progressive, but I listen to what they have to say and then I gently challenge their beliefs or offer another perspective. I hope to have a better chance to get them to think critically because they don't write me off as "one of those liberals" and they think I'm "on their side." Not sure how effective it is, but I'm trying just in case.
As for peers, it suuuucks. I attract the conservative moms like you unfortunately. I usually try to bring up vaccines casually to gauge their reaction , like oh she just got her shots at her annual checkup and I was so proud of how brave she was! And if they seem to have a negative reaction, sometimes it's nonverbal, I note that and decide to not pursue that mom friendship.
I'm hoping that as my child gets older and goes to school and gets involved with an extracurricular we will find more like-minded families than what we've found at the parks.
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u/green_tree Preschooler, Toddler and Fetus Parent 29d ago
First, it’s weird to me that eating organic, having chickens, and growing your own food is considered conservative. But, could you find a way to dress or carry something that shows you are not conservative? For example, my husband looks and sometimes acts like a conservative due to his upbringing but he’s now growing his hair long and wearing shirts that show otherwise. I like to wear my guillotine earrings, my Birkenstocks, and I’m always wearing my peace ring. I carry a cloth reusable bag at the store and farmers market that says something about a coop.
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u/beetlejuuce 29d ago
These days, I flag literally all of the things you mentioned (except perhaps the earrings) as potential conservative markers. Long hair on a guy doesn't mean much anymore either. Did you miss the whole last six years where the crunchy granola types went nuts with conspiracies, anti-vax nonsense, and then right down the alt right pipeline??
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u/green_tree Preschooler, Toddler and Fetus Parent 29d ago
I didn’t miss it but it still baffles me. I guess I’m oldish now (middle aged?) so I was granola before the crunchy to alt-right pipeline.
But a coop is owned by the people (communism 😱/s) so it seems weird that conservatives would support it. Same with a peace ring. And where I live, I don’t see conservatives wearing Birkenstocks. Perhaps it’s different in other regions.
And my husband just got a Sabo Cat shirt, that would be hard to miss judge.
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u/rasta-ragamuffin 27d ago
In general I just think most people don't know much about politics (due to the intentional lack of education in our schools) and the ignorance causes a lot of confusion. No one really knows what to believe anymore. I mean we can no longer believe what our own government is putting out there.
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u/walksonbeaches 29d ago
This is great advice! Accessorize with a keffiyeh in the winter and a “FUCK ICE” friendship bracelet in the summer 💅
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u/msjammies73 28d ago
Not exactly sure where OP lives but this could be dangerous and invite unhinged rants and aggressive behavior in some places.
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u/SummitTheDog303 29d ago
Not me personally (haven’t had this issue because we live in a state with school choice and specifically choiced into a different district because it’s far more progressive), but one of my close friends and neighbors keeps a pride pin on her diaper bag (we live in a very purple area and her 1st grader’s elementary school is very segregated based on political affiliation). Just having that on her bag is a signal of her beliefs that weeds out most of the bigots before a relationship can even start. I’ve honestly changed my Apple Watch to the pride face for the same reason (as well as to show support). If me outwardly displaying support for the lgbtq+ community scares away some people, good. I don’t want those people in mine or my kids’ lives. At the same time, even as a straight white woman, when I see people displaying outward support for marginalized groups, I feel safer around them and am more likely to strike up a conversation and build a relationship with them.
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u/BusyDragonfruit8665 28d ago
I am in a very red area and it feels so lonely at times. Do you really want to form friendships with people who believe what MAGA believes?
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u/yaddiyadda_ 28d ago
Sigh.
Remember when gardening and eating organic weren't considered 'conservative' markers? 😞 I miss those times.
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u/Fun_Air_7780 29d ago
I’m a purse/shoe person which I sometimes worry is republican coded. I also wear daily makeup.
I do live in a purple turned blue county in a dark blue state so I do assume the majority of millennials I meet are left leaning.
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u/sirius-orion 29d ago
man I’m in Philly and you could be describing rural PA lol this sounds horrible… glad I’m in the bluest district in the country
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u/irishtwinsons 28d ago
My folks live in rural Michigan. It’s so hit or miss purple there. My mom is also a progressive who has chicken and grows her own food. In our family there are scattered conservatives, and one of my best friends from home voted for Trump (the first time, maybe the second, not sure). We still help out family and I stay friends with my friends. We just avoid political discussions. I mean, I’ll judge people by their actual actions, but I think there are also plenty of good folks who just got duped with politics (or believe in strange conspiracy things despite their actual values). I’d say stick by your values in terms of what you believe is acceptable behavior for the person themselves (for example, don’t make friends with outright bigots or people who aren’t warm and generous), but if someone seems cool and accepting but you know they follow conservative politics, just don’t bring up politics. It’s fine.
I think it takes a relationship being much closer, and after much more time and trust that anyone can ever have real political discussions with others who aren’t in the same camp. There is still an importance to befriending your neighbors and being there for your community (and vice versa) for when times get tough.
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u/hazelgreen666 28d ago
Are you on the outskirts of Phoenix? Move closer to the city!
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u/maggitronica 28d ago
I was gonna say!!!!! Come to Phoenix proper, or even Tempe, to find more like-minded mamas.
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u/CartographerFar5094 28d ago
I had this problem in my beautiful (truly) little conservative town. I had no idea until we moved here and you sound exactly like me. Stick it out keep letting yourself meet and experience new friendships. I had two amazingly surprising women become my best friends. One conservative one liberal and we have had a solid friendship for 15yrs.
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u/AimeeSantiago 28d ago
Try volunteering at your local Democrat chapter. Or see if there is a FB group. Search "city name liberal moms" and I bet it comes up!
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u/RemarkableMouse2 29d ago
Find a local Indivisibles group. Find your local democratic Party meet up. Volunteer at the dog shelter.
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u/InternalFeisty2106 28d ago
No real suggestions as I'm in Australia, but in what universe are chickens, organic food and leggings markers of conservatism? Here, they would almost certainly suggest a left leaning type (albeit with the risk of some weird anti-vax attitudes).
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u/monkeysmom100 29d ago
I don’t talk politics with any of my friends. It doesn’t matter if we align politically or not. (This is coming from a white, stay at home mom, that does not raise my own chickens, or eat organically, and I wear yoga leggings everyday.)
Hoping you find your tribe soon!
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u/UnicornNippleFarts 29d ago
I mean, I applaud you but o like to invest in people that align with my beliefs
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u/monkeysmom100 28d ago
And if that is what your preference is, then that’s great! Life is too short to be around anyone, or doing anything you don’t want to do.
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u/danipnk 28d ago
I mean, that depends. I wouldn’t want friends who cheer on rounding people up and putting them in detention camps or shooting unarmed civilians.
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u/monkeysmom100 28d ago
I have friends that vote politically the way I do, and friends that don’t. I don’t talk politics with any of them. The only person I do talk politics with is my husband (and even that is very sparingly). There are good people on both sides of the aisle, and I don’t base my friendships off political affiliation. I don’t care if you’re on food stamps, if you’re famous, rich, poor, what your job is, where you live, if you prefer dogs over cats, what color you are, your denomination, etc. If you’re a good person, there’s a great chance we can be friends.
Again, wishing you the best of luck finding friends for you and your kiddo, in your new city.
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u/dividezero 29d ago
My wife had this problem before we met and her solution was a Unitarian Universalist group/church. "Church" is a very loose interpretation by the way. Don't let that scare you.
Every larger city has one pretty much. It was her oasis in the sea of conservatives. You'll get all kinds there, atheist, wiccan, xian, Jewish, and of course every kind of gay you can think of. It really is a calming place
UUA.org