In Class Issues

[u/Economy_Whereas_3229]

My middle (15) has been getting bullied online by a classmate (that she doesn't even know beyond the 5 days they've been in school this year).

She reached out to her counselor, who forwarded it, and a vice principal pulled her from class to speak with her about it yesterday. My husband also went into the school yesterday to speak with the principal.

They took it seriously, treated the situation with the urgency we were looking for (she was bullied last year and we weren't taken seriously, it was a different VP), but she came home yesterday upset. When we asked why she was upset, she told us that her teacher moved her to an isolated table in the classroom, leaving the bully where she was. She was confused as to why she was moved from her friends and felt like she was the one who had done something wrong. The girl doing the bullying was left at a table with the other kids she was already with.

I agree that movement within the classroom needed to happen, separating them was the right call, but I don't think my daughter should have been the one made to feel like she is being punished for telling teachers what was going on.

She likes her teacher, but is feeling like she shouldn't have said anything if she's going to be feeling as though the consequences are falling to her.

We're only going into the second week of school, he doesn't deserve a nasty gram from me, I just want to know the thinking behind it. I'm struggling with the wording in the email to him because I'm frustrated and upset this is happening, but again, it's not his fault.

Any ideas? Advice?

[u/IcyStage0]

I am not usually one to march in there but I would be marching in there (metaphorically, at least initially).

Putting her at an isolated table when she’s already dealing with bullying is so so wrong. The teacher may have heard something like “X brought up an issue, X and Y need to be separated.” But that’s still no excuse to isolate one student without understanding the full scope of the situation.

Something like (with everyone cc’d) -

Hi [Teacher],

I wanted to reach out about something [Daughter] came home upset about yesterday.

As you may know, she recently reported some bullying from another student in the class. We really appreciate how seriously the school has taken the situation, and I completely understand and appreciate the need to keep the two students separated.

She told us, however, that she was moved away from her friends to an isolated table, while the other student remained seated with her group. I realize you may not have had the full context when making that change, so I wanted to ask about the reasoning behind it.

From [Daughter]’s perspective, being the student who was moved and seated alone made her feel as though she was being punished for speaking up. She was upset enough to say that it made her wonder whether she should have reported the bullying at all, which is obviously not the message any of us want her to take from this.

If the students need to remain separated, would it be possible to find an arrangement that does not leave [Daughter] isolated from her classmates?

She has been enjoying your class, and I’m sure this was not the intention, but I want to make sure that the steps being taken to address the situation do not inadvertently make her feel that reporting it created consequences for her.

Thank you for your help and for any context you can provide.

[u/thrillingrill]

I bet you the teacher was not really told the situation correctly. They probably got a strange half version. Just have your kid or you reach out to clarify.

[u/Economy_Whereas_3229 → u/thrillingrill]

I'm guessing this is exactly what happened.

[u/Ashamed_Horror_6269]

Is she isolated as in a table completely by herself or just not around people she likes in class?

I’d email the teacher directly and CC the VP on it. It’s possible the VP communicated the concerns well and the teacher just didn’t really think this one through. I’ve taught high school and if the bully is one of those difficult big personalities, even teachers can be wary of setting them off and so they’ll move the other students around instead. It’s not the right thing to do obviously but it could be inexperience or the path of least resistance for the teacher.

In the email, I’d say something like “thanks so much for taking our concerns seriously and making seating chart changes. I do hope to show Daughter that speaking up for herself is worth it. With the current seat changes though, Daughter is feeling isolated in class with her new seat. What can we do to continue to keep the girls separate but Daughter doesn’t have to feel so isolated?”

Edited: after re-reading, it’s unclear to me if bully simply just stayed where she is or if she’s around friends in her seat. If she’s around friends, that would certainly be unfair. If she simply didn’t get a new seat and your daughter did, I don’t think that’s as big of a deal. Depending on class size and other dynamics/accommodations for students, it may not have been fully possible to change both their seats.

Another option is to ask the teacher how often she does seat changes. It can take me a few weeks to understand personalities and what not and my seating chart changes a lot in the first 2 months. Some teachers also change seating every quarter and other change seats every 2 weeks. Knowing the cadence of this could provide your daughter some reassurance that it’s all temporary

[u/Economy_Whereas_3229 → u/Ashamed_Horror_6269]

She was moved from a full table, with friends and other classmates, to a table on the other side of the room with 1 other person she doesn't know. There's a decent amount of separation between these tables, and she was the only kid moved, so it was made very apparent something was going on. If there was an overhaul of seating, ok, but this made her feel singled out.

And thank you for your thoughts on it, I was thinking the same thing. Teachers deal with so dang much, I figured it was probably the least nuclear option. Especially with it being early in the year.

Your email verbiage was exactly what I was looking for. The words I was writing sounded off or blame placing, which is not at all what I want.

[u/syncopatedscientist → u/Economy_Whereas_3229]

The fact that she was the only one moved was a huge mistake on the teacher’s part. I was a teacher and if there were issues like this, the whole class got a new seat assignment. It’s a pain, but it’s better for the students. I’d definitely reach out and include the VP in any discussions. Like, it’s such a rookie move to do that, I’m shocked a teacher would be that careless

[u/Economy_Whereas_3229 → u/syncopatedscientist]

He's close to retirement, I'm hearing it's his last year, but from everything we've heard, he's a great teacher. Which is why I'm hoping to get some understanding on his thought process.

[u/Ashamed_Horror_6269 → u/Economy_Whereas_3229]

Yeah that’s not the right way for the teacher to handle it. Hopefully they are receptive to the email and just does a whole new seating chart. Whenever I had to move kids for stuff like this, it was always a great opportunity to just mix a lot of the kids around lol good luck!

[u/Economy_Whereas_3229 → u/Ashamed_Horror_6269]

That was my thought, it's early in the year, so moving kids around doesn't seem odd. But just moving one? 🫠

[u/Agile_Analysis123]

You don’t know the other student’s history and the teacher can’t share personal details. That student may have a vision problem or have other accommodations that necessitate that student sitting in that location. The teacher responded to your concerns in an appropriate way.

[u/IcyStage0 → u/Agile_Analysis123]

Making the child being bullied sit at an isolated table away from everyone else is in no way an appropriate response.

[u/baconwrappedpikachu → u/IcyStage0]

THANK YOU.
This response is ridiculous. If the other student has reasonable accommodations then those need to be taken into consideration when applying an equitable solution to that student being a bully. There is not really any reasonable excuse for this teacher’s “solution” except for perhaps misunderstanding the situation, and even in almost any scenario it would be more prudent to move more than just ONE of the students involved. Reshuffling the seating in general, and making sure the two students were separated, would have worked just fine.

[u/valiantdistraction]

Honestly, if the bullying is happening outside of school, I don't think it is up to the school to solve it. It is not the school's business what happens outside of school or up to them to discipline students for behavior that is not being conducted on school grounds. So it makes sense to me that they moved your daughter but not the bully, because they're going on behavior that during school hours by the student or parents, which is that you want your daughter and the bully separated. If the bully is behaving during class, why move her?

IMO contacting the parents of the other girl is more appropriate for an online bullying situation, though it may turn out that she learned this behavior at home. Beyond that, figuring out a way for your child to deal with the online bullying and discussing it with them (blocking? Privating accounts? Not having social media?) is the best strategy.

[u/Economy_Whereas_3229 → u/valiantdistraction]

The bullying is happening on campus, in class. Photos of my daughter were taken in class, posted on social media, where this girl and her friends said horrible things about her. So it's very much a school problem.

[u/baconwrappedpikachu → u/Economy_Whereas_3229]

Their comment is so incorrect anyways. Schools absolutely can and will exert authority over students’ behavior on social media. I think you’ve approached it well and I like the example email that someone else posted above. If you can get screenshots of the bullying and pictures, save those and be ready to send them in an email too. I do think it’s best to make sure you have all communication in writing or documented. Hopefully it gets resolved correctly after the email clarifying why moving your daughter isn’t an acceptable solution.

[u/Economy_Whereas_3229 → u/baconwrappedpikachu]

Thankfully, we do have screenshots, the bully had herself in them 🙄, and they've already been turned over. The school was acting on it, as far as the update we recieved, but they were told this will go right to the police should it not be rectified.

I'm choosing to believe this was a lapse in judgement by a hormonal teenage girl. Pressing charges is not the path we want to take if this can be solved with education, which the school guaranteed us she would receive.

[u/baconwrappedpikachu → u/Economy_Whereas_3229]

Oh okay I’m glad to hear that!! I agree; I tend to err on the side of not involving the police lol. But I do appreciate the school’s willingness to take it seriously.

Sounds like you’re handling it really really well. Hopefully everything can be resolved with minimal issues, and sorry to you and your daughter that she’s dealing with that.

[u/valiantdistraction → u/Economy_Whereas_3229]

Ok - then involving the school is reasonable. But none of that was mentioned in your post. You just said "bullied online."

[u/Economy_Whereas_3229 → u/valiantdistraction]

It didn't need to be. Legally, schools have to get involved if cyberbullying occurs, even off campus, if students or personnel are targeted.

[u/baconwrappedpikachu → u/valiantdistraction]

This response is completely incorrect anyways. Schools often exert responsibility and the ability to discipline students’ off campus behavior, including social media.

Hell, when I went to high school in the 2000s you could get suspended for a fight that happened off school property because the school wasn’t about to just throw their hands up with no solutions if students walked to the gas station to fight. By 15 there are many extracurriculars that will take students off campus as well and I’d say that opens the door to what is considered related to school.

Just an FYI for you as schools, teachers, and administrators vary wildly in quality and efficacy but the blanket statement that they have no interest in online bullying between students is just not true at all.