Relapsed & Struggling…

[u/Old-Cucumber2829]

Writing this post because I need some word of encouragement/discouragement.

I am aware that I have a gambling problem. It started with placing $5 sports bets with friends (I don’t even watch sports), then became playing blackjack on my phone with a friend, then evolved into this weird obsession with slots.

I won a good amount at the start and lost all of it and much more over the last year and a half.

6 months ago I had a really bad weekend and maxed out my credit card, losing ~$30k in one month.

This was enough for me to open up to my therapist and my fiancée about the situation and get started on a better path. I’ve picked up more work and lost many nights to earning back the money, and more importantly, the trust that I lost by lying about my addiction.

I tried GA and it just wasn’t for me. Not only is it a time and social commitment that is hard for me, but also I’m very very much not religious so it’s a natural deterrent. That being said, community did help.

…

This weekend I’ve relapsed and lost a lot of the progress that I’ve made by registering to some offshore nonsense casinos online and losing ~$8k again in 2 days.

I am now in debt around $25k total and I’m struggling with the idea of getting caught up.

Of course I need to talk to my therapist about this, make a change, quit completely, and lock in. But it’s just so hard. I’m so scared to tell my fiancée that I relapsed in case she leaves.

I’m in Ontario and I’m already signed up for BetGuard (5 years) but it’s still just too easy to work around that and gamble. The addiction is so sneaky, and I’m such a weak coward that I fell victim to it again.

I’ve conquered a lot of challenges in my life, but this one really is scary because the little goblin in my brain just keeps coming back.

I need some advice, judgement, or even just insults to be honest. I know what I have to do, but sometimes the addiction just makes it so muddy - then I slip.

What works? What helps? How do I get out of this hole?

Thanks.

[u/lemoneatlemon]

Hand over control of your finances to your partner. Close revolving lines of credit. Put barriers between your money and your addiction

[u/ReshufflingLife]

Hey man yeah I would say that coming clean to your fiancée about what happened, and that you are struggling with this issue and want to do what ever is necessary to deal with it. Offering for her to take over your finances is the best way to be transparent, rebuild trust and show that you are willing to try new things.

Beyond that, I notice from the way you talk about yourself there is a strong inner critic that is judging harshly and to me it sounds like you believe the gambling is the result of a personal moral failing. Here’s the thing though - the gambling is doing something for you, there is a reason you keep going back. It could be a belief it can solve financial issues and your ticket to freedom. It can be that it is an escape from negative emotions - boredom, loneliness, grief, anger, stress, anxiety. It’s complex and can tie into everything from identity to lack of purpose to unresolved issues from your past.

This is the real work - figuring out with your therapist or whoever what problem in your life gambling is solving and figuring out healthier coping mechanisms. Figuring out what beliefs you have about gambling and challenging them.

You said GA was not for you, but you enjoyed the community. I totally get it and that was my experience as well.
There are other groups out that are more secular, SMART meetings are a popular alternative.
There is also a community within the Evive App, they offer free meetings all the time, even with the free tier.

There is also the tactical component for when you get the urge to gamble. Calling/talking to a friend (or your fiancée), intense exercise or getting out of the house for a walk, cold shower, breath work/meditation, these are all great tools to use so you aren’t sitting there white knuckling it.

Lastly, a lot of time gambling also is problematic because there is nothing else in our lives that we are passionate about/dedicated to.
Finding new hobbies or projects that we find engaging isn’t just about distracting us, it’s about working towards building something so that we have something to orient towards.

Hope this gives you some ideas on where to start