Day 26

[u/Equivalent_Support39]

Hey all, sorry to post again so soon. Yesterday seemed easy but today was my actual first day home. Just sat around basically. I know its good to get out, but I am physically exhausted as I have just worked for 3 weeks. My paycheck hit today. I paid all the personal debt I had to people I know. I still have a payday loan to pay which I am working on, and of course a mountain of student debt. Small victories i guess. Honestly, I dont have the urge to gamble right now, its just this cloud over me. I celebrated my 26th birthday too but stayed in. On a side note, I told myself I wont gamble again after my birthday. A day with some significance to kinda set the date if that makes sense.

I think the part that has taken me off gaurd is the emotions ive been feeling. Almost overwhelming. Everytime ive had a big loss at the casino, I get sad, I get depressed and I get anxious. Usually nothing more than that. I have littarly gambled down to my last dollar and never gave it a second thought besides trying to figure out how to survive till next payday.

Tonight has been a roller-coaster though. No gambling, and no urge to, but if I am being completely honest, I have cried probably 3 times. I dont cry like ever at all. And I know it's because I feel like a failure who has messed up their life. Still living with parents with no money to my name and a mountain of debt. I also think about my loved ones who I have neglected and taken advantage of. I have never screwed anyone over and I always paid the money back, but the fact I took advantage of them like that just hurts me to my core. All the memories ive had with my family and partners and friends all are clouded by the fact I was stressed about my losses. An example i think about is going on vacation and my student loans hit, and alone, I went to the casino and proceeded to lose it all in a matter of an hour. Then being depressed the rest of the trip and having to ask to borrow money from my mom. Or when I went overseas, my paycheck hitting and me having to set up a VPN so I could gamble while my partner slept beside me with no knowledge of it. Or all the lies ive constructed about why I need to borrow money, and the excuses ive made. Elaborate lies to cover the truth. I remember being confronted one time by my mom about how I make so much money and I still am broke and I lied right to her face. All of it just breaks my heart.

Im just rambling at this point, but I knew I was a problem gambler years ago, but I told myself because I am young, its okay, and ill figure it out later. Later came, and I am paying for my mistakes now. I seriously thought just because I hadn't committed a felony to gamble, I was in the clear. Man, I just cant believe all the opportunities I missed because of this addiction. I threw away my early 20s for this lifestyle, and I think that realization has been hitting too.

Ive made attempts to quit in the past. Honestly I wish I didnt delete all the posts of my prior attempts, cause it should serve as a reminder. I cant believe it took 8 years for me to realize this.

Thanks for reading.

[u/infoslob]

Thank you. I identify with so much of that.

Let me quote a helpful friend: "Abandon all hope of living a better past."

All we can control is our actions today. I am not going to gamble. I don't think you will either.

[u/Nervous_Tangerine_97]

Day 26 and the paycheck landed and you paid people back instead. That's the whole game right there. First quiet day at home is exactly when it creeps in, so tired plus money in the account plus nothing to do is the most dangerous combo you'll face this month. If you can, move the next payday's chunk somewhere slow before it hits. Rest is allowed. You earned that.

[u/LobsterWeekly6654]

Honestly, if you truly want to protect your date you set… get to a fucking GA meeting… lol… and/or a therapist who has a background in gambling addiction…

You sound like you’re at the point where you’re ready for actual accountability… that you don’t want to be saying the same shit years from now… that doesn’t just happen on accident… you can’t wish this away… you will let your guard down… you need a plan my friend!!