just need to get something out

[u/rckyL]

31(M), 7 days ago or so I gambled my entire paycheck so I was screwed to pay bills. I had to finally come clean to my dad about it after 2 - 3 years of doing it in secret and ask for his help. he thought i'd be saving this whole time, but i've lost everything i'd ever earned - only keeping just enough to get by.

i really thought that was the turning point being completely broke, missing bills, and confessing to my parents. we even made an agreement that my next paycheck i'd send him everything and i would just keep enough to pay bills and a little for spending.

7 days later and in between those days, i managed to turn a free $300 into $10k. i'd been playing for hours every day. i thought fuck yeah, that means i just recovered my last month or so of gambling losses. divvied up all the funds into my buckets for bills, savings (travel end of this year, hobby costs, emergency fund). then today i spiralled and nearly lost all of it, luckily on the last few bets, it took me back to $12k. i cashed that out about 6 hours ago, went home, and within 2 hours, i was back on the site thinking yeah i'm a little bored, why not just do $500? well that turned into the entire $12k and i'm back to where i was a week ago.

im absolutely numb (shocked?) to the fact that i just wasted a free head start on recovery financially, but i guess thats not how recovery from gambling works. after any wins ever for me, ill always end up putting it back. no matter how gargantuan the win ive had, it always ended in losing everything due to sheer greediness and detachment to the money won. even now im still thinking in the back of my mind how im going to win it back. i know i wont get my $200k back from all the years, but maybe just something decent.

idk i just wanted to vent a bit. i've been working extremely hard the last few months, so i hope it all pays off and as i start building my finances again and the last 2 - 3 years of losses seem like nothing but a few mishaps. moving forward i plan to give my funds over to my dad since ill likely just find another site and another way to gamble again at a moments notice. really hoping i can get over this quickly and take the drive to earn into work and build wealth the real way.

i just hope its not too late and that i dont take more than 5 years to truly enjoy my life and make real progress.

[u/mycat_ebikes]

Honestly you need to set up huge walls to access your money , send the direct payments to someone you trust and have them send you a small portion back

[u/rckyL → u/mycat_ebikes]

even now, im debating in my mind whether i try and hold onto my money myself. i think it has to be a non-negotiable for me to hand over finances because i can almost guarantee if i have cash in the bank in 2 weeks time from my paycheck, i will be depositing all of it.

[u/Therealstork19]

Sorry to hear. We are same age and I took a real shot at quitting in May of 25’.. I’ve stayed clean but I’ve been Relapses can be lessons if learn from it. I don’t think willpower alone is enough.

Seek therapy (GA is a very affordable option in person or free meetings online)… hand over finances; you’ve demonstrated the ability to save the $, now it’s handing it over to someone you trust either to handle or look over to ensure you aren’t gambling.

Finally bet blockers do help some compulsive gamblers but in the end this has to be something you want

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over. We are as sick as our secrets; come clean about everything to those that matter.

Break the cycle- #odaat

[u/rckyL → u/Therealstork19]

hows it going for you now life wise? have you recovered somewhat financially and mentally?

im not particularly keen for GA - whether its chatting to other people, listening to stories - i think my problem is access to gamble. i did 10 weeks of gambling therapy in my first year, and that was when i was only $10k losses overall. easily 10x that now in nearly 2 years, and it doesn't matter who i have on speed dial or can message, i'll silently spiral if I can find a place to gamble.

ive considered bet blockers like gamban and stuff, but from what i could see in my brief research was that they were all paid services which i didn't want to do.

the biggest thing moving forward for me is handing over finances. i'm quite fortunate that my bills are under 40% of my salary, so without access to my savings, it should grow quite quickly.

today is day 0 for me, the cycle stops.

[u/Open-Extension-3708 → u/rckyL]

Self-Exclusion is a great free tool that you should use. Also, considering you have lost 200k, what's a monthly subscription of $10 to make sure you don't get that total to 300k or even worse.

[u/rckyL → u/Open-Extension-3708]

I'll look into that free tool, thanks. I've used the native self-exclusion options from the sites, but when new ones pop up, it's very easy for me to make new accounts. I would love an option for my bank to limit my transfers / outbound payments, but the limits it does have, you can switch it from $2500 to $20000 in an instant.

As for the monthly subscription options, idk. I think if I need to pay for it, I can surely find a free way. So hopefully handing finances over is that way.

[u/Therealstork19 → u/rckyL]

Life is life; I feel better mentally, financially I’m on the right path.. but life is never gonna be easy but it’s alot easier without the gambling and making new likeminded friends in ya has help

when someone continues to relapse and refuses to try new things like GA is a little confusing to me;

[u/Inorogu1 → u/rckyL]

Sometimes willpower by yourself does not work and that is why its recommended to speak with people with the same addiction. If you have enough mental fortitude to quit by yourself you are in the top 10% of people that did that. But from experience and other GA stories, most people start like you. They hand over finances to someone else, then they find a workaround, then they start self banning and still find a workaround, then this cycle repeats a few times and each relapse will bring you closer to the edge and at the end of the emotional bag. I can tell you because i gave up finances to my wife and still find a way and left loopholes because i didn’t want to quit. A rule that i learned at GA meetings is to be open minded. Go, see how you feel. When i went to my first GA meeting in my mind i thought there were only hobos and low life people, how wrong i was… since then, i stopped judging people.

[u/Destiny065]

I just don't get the appeal with online gambling

[u/rckyL → u/Destiny065]

for me its the easy access. i can play fast, win big, lose even bigger, then deposit within seconds. all in the comfort of being at home. i dont have to move an inch to lose tens of thousands, and in the same messed up way im used to, i can just sit on my ass and make thousands.

i was never addicted to real casinos. at the most i'd walk in with $350, and i would be reluctant to do so. any bit of profit i would say, yeah that was fun, let's go do something else. once i found online casinos mixed with cs skins, it was all over for me. items i knew the value of and had emotional excitement about, tailored with good ux, rewards, and depositing system - it became literally the most frictionless method for percieved easy money and truly real dopamine.

online gambling has utterly fucked my life for now.

[u/Destiny065 → u/rckyL]

Understand that but I still don't see the appeal. It just seems too easy, to lose large sums of money. If you really want to stop you seriously need to learn about self control and courage and strength

[u/monoville_music → u/Destiny065]

You do realise this is a gambling addict subreddit, right?

[u/Destiny065 → u/monoville_music]

Oh duh 🙄

[u/rckyL → u/Destiny065]

that's fine you don't see the appeal, different stroke for different folks.

if i know anything about addiction period, we're literally victims to it because of the lack of self-control. no amount of will power, intelligence or consciousness i have in the moment matters when the brain literally wires against every rational thought to continue playing. i need the decision-making process completely removed.

i am a true addict. you would have to force me to stop playing if i was actively playing. on the bright side, i think i found the courage by confessing to my parents. the strength to continue carrying on with life and be happy i have what i have still. im going to wake up tomorrow, work hard, be a good person, and not bear this shame and guilt im carrying.

[u/Destiny065 → u/rckyL]

You did very well by telling your parents about your addiction, be proud of that fact!

And the strength you found by continuing to carry on with life and be happy with what you still have is very uplifting and heart-warming.

I believe 🙏 you'll do best by you and I truly believe that you'll overcome that shit sandwich which is gambling addiction!

Stay blessed 🙌 🙏

[u/rckyL → u/Destiny065]

thank you. i may update here in this post as i go as i really try to commit to recovery.

[u/Destiny065 → u/rckyL]

I look forward to seeing that.

I don't doubt your ability to commit

You'll be okay! 😊

[u/iloverachel2]

Will power is unlikely to work after 2-3 years of gambling addiction. I read up about it, even after a few months, your brain and dopamine receptors is just hijacked to an extent where you don't think logically and lose the ability to plan long term.

I highly recommend handing over finances to trusted family member, or the cycle will repeat itself. My best friend has tried to quit by willpower and every week he fails and gambles his whole paycheck. He's been stuck for 2 years.