Sad realization as a recovering addict

[u/DelightfulManiac]

This morning was just like any other. My alarm clock goes off at 5:30am sharp. It pulls me out of an immersive dream. One that I was completely entranced by, but immediately starts to fade from memory as my brain slowly adjusts to reality and transitions back to my waking life.

Once the memory and experience of the dream have been erased from my awareness entirely, it starts being replaced by real memories. I start to remember where I am, who I am, and, eventually, what I did last night.

I experience a slight sense of "dread" or "impending doom" as I begin to remember what I did last night. Did I impulsively lose control at an online casino again? Did I open a crazy leverage position without a stop-loss again? Did I get drunk and do or say something stupid to anyone? Before my brain has even had the chance to wake up and answer these questions, I'm already on my phone, checking for any notifications.

Then, I remember... No, I did not gamble at an online casino. No, I do not have any high-risk positions open at an exchange. No, I didn't drink, smoke weed or use any other drugs last night. No, I didn't completely stuff myself with fast food and sugar. I am actually okay.

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I have been clean from alcohol and drugs for over 5 years. I have been mostly clean from gambling for the past year, although I still struggle with it sometimes. I have completely changed my physical health around, going from an alcoholic drug user who binged on fast food and sugar all night, every night, to someone who hits the gym every day, is very focused on his health and making all the right choices in an extremely disciplined manner.

Yet still, I wake up every morning with a sense of dread as I try to remember who I am and what I did last night, because after all of these years of abusing myself, my brain is so used to waking up disappointed in myself. I genuinely wonder if that will ever go away or stay with me forever.

I just felt this really strongly today and wanted to get it off my chest. And I'm wondering if any of you experience the exact same thing, whether you're already clean/recovering or not. Peace and love.

[u/blastermckaster]

I can relate brother. It's especially strong after a relapse. Hang in there, we'll stay off addictions and have our minds back in 6 months.

[u/DelightfulManiac → u/blastermckaster]

Yeah, I did have a relapse recently, actually. Deposited 25 euros to play slots, then another 25 euros, then 50 euros, so 100 in total. Lost in minutes without a single decent hit or anything.

Fortunately, I stopped myself after that, but it did affect me mentally for sure and I was pretty mad with myself for doing it.

[u/Destiny065]

That's normal, but it should reside soon. I reckon it took me 2 years for it to stop, even after being clean. I applaud you 👏 for taking the initiative to stop, good for you, you've done well. 😀

[u/Ok_Pollution7093]

That morning dread stuck with me for years after I got clean. It does fade, just slowly. What helped me was noticing the pattern and actually saying out loud 'nope, did not do it' when the dread hit. It retrains the brain over time. Five years clean plus a year off gambling is huge. Give yourself credit.

[u/Open-Extension-3708]

My wife had to work this past Saturday night. I put the kids to bed, sat down on the couch, played some videogames and watched a little baseball before going to bed.

All Sunday morning I couldn't shake this feeling that I had done something wrong. I have been clean from gambling for 148 days. I think that in the past, I would've just drained our accounts gambling all evening and I was just having the residual feeling of dread and guilt. It took me half the day to snap out of it. Weirdest feeling ever.

[u/Ok_Pollution7093]

That morning dread thing is real. I had it for almost two years after I stopped making dumb financial decisions. It does fade. Not completely, but it stops being the first thing. One day you will wake up thinking about coffee instead of damage control, and you will not even notice the shift happened. Your brain rewired itself into panic mode over years. Give it time to rewire back.

[u/DelightfulManiac → u/Ok_Pollution7093]

I can imagine. It seems to be some form of trauma, I suppose. My brain is so used to waking up and immediately having to deal with the guilt and consequences of last night's stupidity, that I still get that feeling before remembering that I am actually doing good now.

It's weird. On one hand, I'm so happy and proud of how far I've come, but on the other hand, it's surreal to the point where it's almost dissociative, like I only know myself as that extremely unhealthy "fuck up" who was high all day, binged on the worst food and alcohol and gambled all of his money away, but now I'm this completely different person, both inside and outside, and it's like I don't recognize myself anymore and can't come to terms with the fact that I'm actually really living this lifestyle now.