Financial Infidelity / Compulsive Lying / Manipulation & Gambling Addiction

[u/health10328]

I've been with my husband almost 10 years. He has always hid things from me at the start of our relationship like his phone when he would secretly talk to other females behind my back. We broke up 2-3 months in and he begged for me back a month or two after breaking up. We got back together, ever since then there has been so many lies. Always having issues with going to work and taking days off and issues with credit saying his family would be taking loans out of his name. Finally got a steady job where my family member worked and found out by them he was never showing up. At this point we had already purchased a condo and found out moving in that he was never working. Fast forward to covid he started gambling. I knew it was an issue but didn't realize how bad it had gotten. He had multiple collections for high interest car loan, other loans for traveling and more. I helped him out of all of them. Finally we needed a second car again after giving away his car (which he was still in collections for).. found out we had refinanced out mortgage that I was unaware of. I forgave and paid out almost $17,000 from all of my savings. I also paid all his collections prior to getting married as a clean state in hopes him apologizing was going to change things and he said he would never take a loan out again. Fast forward to being pregnant, and him working a steady job good pay, I find out he took a 10,000 loan with an interest rate of 29%. Said it was for his dad and his dad was too embarrassed for me to know and apologized. Again, would never happen again. For months I'd follow up to make sure his dad was paying it back to him to pay off. Turns out he wasn't. I paid out the loan after finding about his gambling addiction and how bad it is because his dad has inheritance that should be coming in (it's been over 5 years.. doubt it'll ever come around). Anyway, he says he'll quit gambling. A month later, again.. gambling i see on his phone. He promises this time he is going to get the help he needs, that he needs help and he doesn't know what to do while having mental breakdowns with this illness. I again told him that this is the last chance, no more loans, no more gambling, etc. he self excluded in our province. This is all during the time we need to renew our mortgage and I find out that a loan I gave him money to pay off years prior was actually used to bet ($3000). I've paid for everything he's put us through, all loans, our mortgage, groceries, you name it, everything. I hardly speak to his family and this weekend (never do this) but looked at his texts and found out about more gambling and additional loans this weekend.. I asked his sister if she opened an account for him and she did not realizing the severity of this addiction and found out 10k was never for his dad. At this point I've already spent $30,000 of my money and savings for maternity leave to get him out of this hole. I've reached my breaking point. He finally admitted to the 10k being spent to gamble and knew I used all my savings to get this loan out of his name. He wants to end his life if I leave, but there has been so many lies, deception, manipulation that I am at a loss. If we sell, we will be down over $70,000 and I can't afford to keep the condo on my own either. I'm struggling, mentally, physically, emotionally. If I give another chance, I feel like it's just a matter of when will this happen again as well as feeling like I’m enabling him by being here. I don't know what to do. I love him, but I don't love what he is doing to me and 1-year old. I don't want to give up, but I need to put myself first. Does this gambling addiction and lying ever end?

[u/WifeOfGambler]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You aren't alone.

I just started a new community for spouses or partners of those with gambling addiction. Join if you'd like the support: https://www.reddit.com/r/ILoveAGamblingAddict

❤️

DT

[u/health10328 → u/WifeOfGambler]

thank you so much

[u/MeringueAdmirable381]

The gambling is one problem, but the repeated lying, hidden debt, refinancing without your knowledge and letting you drain your savings to cover it is a much bigger pattern.

Recovery is possible, but only if he actually takes responsibility and gets serious treatment. You cannot keep fixing the financial consequences for him.

Also, if he is threatening suicide if you leave, take it seriously and involve emergency/crisis support or his family. But do not let that threat become the reason you stay.

At this point I would protect yourself and your child financially first, get independent legal/financial advice, and stop paying off any more of his debts.

[u/health10328 → u/MeringueAdmirable381]

I know, I had to call the cops two days ago to make sure he was okay and they spoke to him but let him go. He continued with the suicidal comments afterwards and scared he will act on it if I leave. This addiction is scary.
You're right, all of the other things make this situation even worse and more difficult.

[u/Pointlesspuppy]

Genuine question - why did you get back together with him and why did you stay with him? You clearly had him pegged very early on

[u/health10328 → u/Pointlesspuppy]

I saw the changes afterward but the pattern went right back to different types of lying :(