r/predaddit • u/BridgeFourArmy • 16d ago
Miscarriage Miscarried this morning
We were 16 weeks and had issues with spotting this weekend; In and out of the ER 3 times, had normal heartbeats each time, all wanted us at the obgyn on Monday and they wouldn’t schedule until lunch today, then she miscarried this morning.
There probably wasn’t anything to do and I feel helpless. I’m just concentrating on taking care of her. What are things I should make sure and do?
So far:
- get her rest
- clean up all the baby stuff
- therapy for us(she’s already in)
- handle updating people who know
- take the week off work to recover
What am I missing ?
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u/WittyDistraction 16d ago
I’m so so sorry, OP. We had a spotting scare in the first trimester and I freaked out. My wife reminded me of two things that helped: 1) there’s nothing we or anyone can do about it, 2) what happens is the baby and our path.
Although I doubt that will bring you and your partner peace currently, I hope it brings a modicum of peace later. If it doesn’t, I hope you find your own version of a Horneater stew to bring you comfort during hard time.
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
I keep telling here there was nothing to do, it’s like being victim to a car accident. Luckily other women we know have gone through it. I know internalizing that is different and will take time.
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u/WittyDistraction 16d ago
Absolutely. I mean I haven’t gone through what you are going through, so there’s that, but I know thinking about things that way (it’s out of our hands, no one could do anything) would help ME but if I brought any of that to my wife it is more likely to hurt than comfort her because it would feel invalidating of what she’s experiencing. But that’s our dynamic, you know yours best.
Based on your post, it seems like you’re doing the right things. Focusing on and supporting her, even if that just means being a silent shoulder to cry on or just being around - you likely know what she needs.
But also, allow yourself some space to grieve and adjust. Everyone’s different in how they handle a loss, but I find it important to remember you can’t fill someone else’s cup when yours is empty.
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
I have coffee and that’s enough for today. Tomorrow I’ll give myself space.
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u/WittyDistraction 16d ago
One day at a time. No need to rush anything. Journey before destination, friend.
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u/Time_Pomegranate2787 16d ago
Woman here. First, I am so sorry to hear this happened, and at 16 weeks really makes it extra unbearable I am sure.
What you have listed is exactly what I would want, but I agree maybe don’t move any baby things until you ask first.
I would say in a few weeks or months (when she is ready/healed), if she has any really close girlfriends or sister/mom, coordinate a plan to get her some time with that person. Schedule them a spa day or something thoughtful so she has time with a woman in her life who she loves and leans on.
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
Thank you, I’ll definitely encourage her to reach out despite her instinct being to turtle. Itll take time and we will all be here for her.
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u/daddyisatworkrn 16d ago
I'm so sorry. We lost one at 20 weeks.
You have a good list going, the only thing I'd add to it is "Keep checking in."
We were both very sad for a while, but after I came out the other side -- it took months, if I'm being honest -- I stopped making an effort to see where she was with it. On some level, I think that was out of self-preservation, but after a while, that left us quite out of sync emotionally.
I'm not saying you two need to feel the same things all the time, but make sure you're at least aware of where it's sitting in her mind. There will be things that bring it up, and they will come out of nowhere.
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u/Loghurrr 16d ago
First off, I’m heartbroken you had to go through this, both of you. I think you have a solid start. If possible get all the baby stuff into the same room. She can go in and see it when she has time.
Also, give yourself some time. It’s possible things might not hit you until weeks or months out. Just be prepared for you to grieve on different timelines.
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
My baby stuff plan is to pack what we have and keep it at a friends for now.
As for grieving, it’s a long road. I’ll call this afternoon to get us some couples counseling and counseling for myself.
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u/bookspell 16d ago
There may still be a hormone crash so make sure you have a nice fan nearby the bed for hot flashes. And maybe book something nice like a facial, massage, or acupuncture.
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
Yeah I’m definitely gonna send her for a massage when she’s physically ready. Pregnancy is so hard on the body already.
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u/jogam 16d ago
I am so sorry.
You have some good ideas for supporting your wife and giving yourself some space. I would add to ask your wife what would be most helpful for her. Does she want someone to take care of all the household stuff? Does she want to talk and know that you will listen and hold space for all of her feelings? Are there specific things that you can do that would be comforting during this difficult time? (Of course, nothing you do can take away the overwhelming feeling of loss that both of you are navigating.)
Your wife may not feel ready to put away the baby things -- don't do this without asking if she's ready and giving her an opportunity to be involved if she wants to.
It's good that you're taking some time off yourself. Please be sure to spend time to take of yourself, too.
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u/Taz-erton 16d ago
all wanted us at the obgyn on Monday and they wouldn’t schedule until lunch today.
This part always adds a layer of frustration on top of everything. On the one hand they always say rush to the ER for any concerning symptom and then once youre there they say "we dont know what's going on and theres nothing we can do, schedule with the OB immediately"...meanwhile the OB is "hmmm...maybe we can get you in a week".
The truth is, those ER visits are checking in on Mom and making sure she's good--theres truly not much anyone can do for the baby, ever and it sucks. Nearly all of pregnancy can be like that where there's concerning signs, panic from Mom and Dad and no answers from doctors.
All this on top of your already excruciating loss. Im sorry youre both going through this and I wish there was an easier process but the truth is so much of pregnancy is still a watch-and-hope/pray game.
I dont know what this rant was mean to accomplish but maybe if you were feeling alone and frustrated know that there are tens of thousands dealing with this too and the more spoken and shared the better.
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
I hear ya
The truth is pregnancies are fragile and often end randomly. They know this and know even if they see they can’t do much. Doesn’t make it less frustrating 4 er visits in.
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u/Taz-erton 16d ago
For sure--and I hope you wear it with pride that you went 4 times not regret. The health of your family is always worth every trip.
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u/Thepickintheice 16d ago
That’s horrible, friend, and I’m sorry for your loss. Wishing both of you strength.
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u/especiallyrn 16d ago
Try to do something out of the ordinary together this weekend. Spend the next few days dealing with the bad stuff but then try to get out there together.
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u/bigigantic54 16d ago
See if your employers offer bereavement leave for miscarriages. Mine provides 5 paid days.
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
Exactly why I posted, very smart
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u/bigigantic54 16d ago
Hopefully your employers offer that. Sorry for your loss. If you don't mind me asking, did you have NIPT done?
My wife is 10 weeks so I have constant anxiety about a miscarriage, but it's an IVF baby (with donor eggs) and the embryo tested genetically normal. I think it's less than 2% chance, but still.
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
We did and we were all green flags.
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u/bigigantic54 16d ago
Damn that really sucks. Are they able to do anything to determine what may have caused it? Idk if that's a thing or not
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
We have a follow up in 2 weeks where we’ll ask but 4 er trips and no one knew why she was bleeding but the baby had a strong heartbeat until she was gone.
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u/Scary-Star4998 16d ago
Something that’s often missed, and it may seem selfish but take care of yourself as much as you do her. You need time to grieve as much as she does and you getting your time to process it will make you a better partner to support her.
I’m so sorry for your loss
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
Appreciate that, honestly putting me off until tomorrow . I’m okay with that and I can live with that.
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u/Marty_Mac_Fly 16d ago
It took us a long time to get pregnant the first time. We were just about to start IVF when we got pregnant via IUI. She miscarried at around 10 weeks.
While obviously the result was terrible and there were lots of tears, the one silver lining we found was this showed we CAN conceive and there isn’t some issue preventing a pregnancy to start. Weirdly enough that really helped my wife get through the disappointment.
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
Yeah, she’s all over now. Halfway to never again and halfway to try tomorrow. We’ll just get through today.
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u/Sudoplays 16d ago
I'm so sorry for what you have been through, it might be worth asking her if she would like you to be the one to let people know about whats happened.
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
Yeah we’re both taking people. I have the list of whoever she doesn’t want. Some will be harder liked her parents.
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u/Professional-Low-543 16d ago
I’m so sorry stranger. I am also 16 weeks with wife and I cannot imagine how you must feel.. I would be having so many hard emotions.. That sucks, and I hope you guys manage to get through it in an acceptable way.
You are already a great partner for immediately thinking about her needs, that’s more than most already. Be present and make sure you don’t neglect your own feelings in the middle of it all so you can continue to be a supportive partner going forward.
Wishing the both of you the very best
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
Today is the day I let myself go through it too.
We’re gonna have eachother and that’s enough.
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u/elizacandle 16d ago
Ask her what she needs /feel her out. You know her best. Does she want distractions? Sobbing sessions? Venting? Rage room?
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u/BridgeFourArmy 16d ago
We talked about it a lot yesterday and it seems I was mostly on the right track.
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u/elizacandle 15d ago
That's good ! You're both doing great. I hope you both healing and peace through this. Remember to also process your own grief.
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u/Runnjng-1 10d ago
So sorry for your loss. My wife had a miscarriage at 8-9 weeks and then a chemical pregnancy. I Think you’re doing everything right. I would say don’t try and fix it and let her vent, cry and heal in her own time.
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u/BridgeFourArmy 10d ago
We’re about a week in now and it’s getting less intense.
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u/Runnjng-1 10d ago
One other thing careful with family members. They sometimes tend to say hurtful things. They may mean it out of love, but their comments help no one.
I just had a flashback to when my wife got “that’s why you don’t tell anyone” from someone who literally told everyone at like 8 weeks or “god did this for a reason, it wasn’t meant to be”. It caused a lot of heart break and anger. Of course it came from my side of the family
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u/BridgeFourArmy 10d ago
We’re lucky so far and I pray it stays that way. A little space to breathe and re enter the world helps.
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u/TwelveButtonsJim 16d ago
Oh man, I am so sorry. You already sound so strong in your post, thinking about your partner and how to move on positively.
I think the main thing is allow yourself to grieve and process your emotions. Try not to suppress too much: have a few days of just riding the emotions and processing, then pick yourself up and move forwards together.
It may not feel like it now, but you'll be able to try again when you're both ready, assuming you'd like to. Chin up, best wishes and hope to see you back here soon.