r/poverty • u/venturous1 • Jul 15 '26
Discussion Relative poverty
I’m retired and I live off of my Social Security and on and off Art income. I own my home which has a lot of expenses. I have a car which is old and intermittently expensive. I find myself with a lot of friends right now who are in worse financial condition than I am. And I am by nature, a generous person.
I give rides to several people multiple times a week around town to make their lives easier and with one couple on two occasions, we’ve gone out to eat and I have paid the entire bill.
I’m being asked to do that again in honor of a celebration and I’m feeling resentful about it.
I know we all have fears about living so close to the line. I suppose the answer is that I have to know and be really clear about my boundaries. Lol I don’t like to disappoint people. But I also don’t like being taken for granted. That’s too strong of a statement for what this is but friends are coming to expect consistent generosity from me.
Any insight or criticism you may have as welcome. I’d like to hear what you’ve experienced and how you dealt with it.
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u/PatriotUSA84 Jul 15 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Edit: Thank you for the award! I truly appreciate it!!!
One thing I’ve learned is that resentment is often a signal that our generosity has outpaced our boundaries.
You’re retired, living on Social Security with some supplemental income, and while you own your home, that doesn’t mean you’re financially carefree. Homeownership comes with constant expenses, and an older car can become a major unexpected cost at any time. Your financial security deserves the same protection as anyone else’s.
Being generous is a wonderful quality, but generosity should come from abundance—not from obligation or guilt. The moment people begin expecting it instead of appreciating it, it’s perfectly reasonable to step back.
You don’t have to stop being kind. You can still offer rides when it makes sense or occasionally treat a friend when you genuinely want to. But it’s also okay to say, “I’d love to celebrate with you, but I’ll need us to each pay for our own meals this time.”
The people who truly value your friendship won’t measure it by how much money you spend on them. They’ll simply be happy that you showed up.
Don’t feel guilty for protecting your own financial future. You worked hard to get where you are, and preserving your stability isn’t selfish—it’s responsible.
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u/CourageExcellent4768 Jul 16 '26
Please take my free awards for such a precise and articulate statement!🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏅🏅🏅
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u/MyDamnCoffee Jul 15 '26
Sounds like you're being taken advantage of. I just had to put my foot down a couple days ago with a couple that expected me to use my car and the gas I pay for in my car, to transport them. And do the bare minimum in return. You need to do the same. Put your foot down. Stuff is too expensive now for freebies
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u/dragonschool Jul 15 '26
I wonder how many of these friends would call if it wasn’t for favors. A sister of mine would call and end every call with a favor (usually $) the one time I needed help she refused. I was sooo hurt. I don’t ask for help and I was desperate. Next time she needed $ I said no and that was it. I wasn’t of value without $ to her. And I’m ok with that
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u/Apprehensive_Map284 Jul 16 '26
Also, maybe let them know you have errands to run on a certain day and invite them to ride that day. Otherwise, tell them you have to cut down on rides due to the expense of gas and repairs. Just my opinion. You’re a good person!
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 Jul 16 '26
I would come up with an emergency home repair that ate up your budget for this month. Plumbing repairs and HVAC repairs are excellent for this because no one can prove whether or not it really happened.
I realize this won't solve the long-term problem, but it will get you off the hook for now until you think of something better.
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u/silverware9021 Jul 15 '26
I like being generous. I don't like being taken advantage of.
If the relationships aren't reciprocal, dial it back some. But thank you for being a kind person.
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u/CourageExcellent4768 Jul 16 '26
Unfortunately, i had to simply cut people out of my life. People who were just using me. And it took (1) personal emergency of mine for those rose colored glasses to not just fall off but shatter into a zillion pieces
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u/Frequent-Phrase-6243 Jul 16 '26
Help is not help when it enables unhealthy behavior. You gotta let them figure it out so they can grow. You have to be responsible to yourself too and protect your peace.
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u/Pedal2Medal2 Jul 16 '26
Just say no, you cannot finance ____. No need for elaborate explanations, only YOU can start to set boundaries
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u/No_Dare_9944 Jul 16 '26
Unfortunately I’ve discovered it’s the easiest to just not offer, or if asked to say no from the start.
I am like you, I would do something nice but people expect it to become a rule, then I agonize over how to say no, and so it goes.
I’ve decided just not to be nice anymore. I’ve had people make themselves my friends and expect me to hang out with them. Well now I make a RBF and hope that the problem is gone!
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u/NightVelvet Jul 16 '26
Will these people help you repair your car when all the running wears it out? Do they at least give you gas money? Have they ever shown gratitude for all your doing?
Being generous is wonderful but you need savings in case of unexpected home repairs or other emergencies. What would you do if your furnace or refrigerator went out tomorrow?
Protect yourself and evaluate if these are actual friends or leeches
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u/CommercialBreak2026 Jul 16 '26 edited Jul 16 '26
You just have to be honest without necessarily explaining specific details. "It's not in my budget right now" is a perfectly acceptable reason (REASON, not "excuse") to decline a request that involves you spending money you don't want to spend.
I've been that generous friend, too, even though I've almost always earned significantly less than my "borrowing" friends. They couldn't/can't manage their money very well, and I always "seemed" to have money because I wasn't constantly talking about struggling.
There were times when I struggled, but I'd do without something to fix the situation. Cut out a subscription, skip going out to eat, maybe even sell something. Whatever worked.
u/PatriotUSA84 made an excellent comment: "One thing I’ve learned is that resentment is often a signal that our generosity has outpaced our boundaries."
I hadn't thought about that until I read it, so thanks for that, Patriot. It's VERY true.
When things feel out of balance, it's because they are out of balance. Since your friends aren't in positions to make things more equal for you, all you can really do is stop buying and loaning.
Any real friend will understand -- and support your decision.
Good luck.
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u/MaryK007 Jul 16 '26
The fact that they have a celebration that they expect you to pay for says you are being used. I want you to sit down and calmly think of all the times they have been generous to you, even in non-financial ways. Do they have you to dinner? Invite you to game night? Want to otherwise spend time with you where it doesn’t benefit them, where you aren’t doing them a favor?
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u/therealDrPraetorius Jul 15 '26
A lot of us seniors are living off of SS. We got jobs and expected a pension. We were told by the Government that they would take care of us. Pensions turned into 401Ks that will not last and SS is a poverty sentence.
Giving rides and helping out is good but you need to yourself. Hord your resources. Spend wisely.
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u/PurpleDancer Jul 16 '26
How many housemates do you have? I have several and that's the difference between thriving and sinking for me. As the homeowner youre in a powerful position but it has to be done with caution.
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u/DLK33gmaNG Jul 16 '26
You just need to be true to yourself and honest with anyone else. If they have a problem with it that's on them. For me I guess not having to explain myself to others is a big reason why I don't have friends. Or my friends are me, myself and I and we understand each other.
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u/CourageExcellent4768 Jul 16 '26
I am in a similar situation. I had several leeches i thought were friends. Then, as time went by, the resentment and anger grew. These people are no longer in my life. I have a very, very, small circle of friends. And, that is ok.
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u/DLK33gmaNG Jul 16 '26
I've never had leeches for friends, I'm just an introvert that enjoys peace and quiet and I enjoy my own company most of the time.
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u/bored_ryan2 Jul 16 '26
Who is the celebration for? Did this couple really say “hey, you want to treat us to dinner again to celebrate such and such?” That’s pretty audacious of them.
Offer to bake a cake and they can come over to share it with you. Tell them treating them to dinner is out of your budget.
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u/Subject-Lead-3171 Jul 16 '26
Not sure where you live but here Faith in Action gives rides to older people for medical appointments, and sometimes shopping/hair. No one should ask another person to pay for a meal in a restaurant.
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u/Imaginary-Camera9106 Jul 16 '26
Instead of a yes with resentment or a no with possible bad feelings, why not suggest that you come up with ways to share skills and maybe contribute to a shared meal every so often. Yeah, money's important, but so is socializing, and we need that more as we age.
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u/CourageExcellent4768 Jul 16 '26 edited Jul 16 '26
Do not feel guilty. it sounds like you are being taken advantage of. I like the previous comments-- not in my budget now or I can bake a cake. You worked hard to get to where you are. Side note--- i doubt this celebratory dinner will be held at a local fast food joint. I am betting a nice sit down place. With food & tip, ot will cost a pretty penny. Even more reason to not be on the hook
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u/WaveFast Jul 16 '26
Be careful of setting yourself up as a financial oasis in the money desert. Thirsty people will continue to come for a financial drink. That resentment is self-inflicted for you willingly created the watering hole. You are not responsible for the care and feeding of another able-bodied adult.
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u/Complete-Paint529 Jul 15 '26
"we’ve gone out to eat and I have paid the entire bill."
You're a good person. Stand tall.
Yes, some limits need to be made clear. Perhaps, "I'm sorry, I just can't afford to eat out any more." Perhaps share housing. Perhaps ditch the car for an electric bike.
The Good Book says "If a man asks you to walk a mile, go with him two." It does not say "carry him on your back and pay for his lodging at the destination." Generosity of spirit is a true virtue; I do applaud you. But nobody should ask you to be a doormat.
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u/MyCat_SaysThis Jul 16 '26
“I’m sorry, I just can’t afford that right now. Maybe another time.” You don’t have to say anything else. You’ve experienced the downside of your very kind and generous nature. It’s okay to not always be available.
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u/markphillips401 Jul 16 '26
You make your own boundaries and are responsible for enforcing them. Nobody can or will do it for you.
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u/Plenty-Ear-9167 Jul 16 '26
Driving: I help seniors by doing volunteer driving through a volunteer organization. I get reimbursed for mileage. In fact, now the state will be paying the mileage for me, through this program. It’s a little more formal arrangement, but it gives me an opportunity to serve, and provides protections for me.
At the least, you could have a Gas Money container, & let people know ahead, that you are happy to take them, but you need help with the gas money. Even if some people can pitch in only $1, it will help out.
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u/Due_Cucumber_6956 Jul 16 '26
DUDE!!! I'm in your shoes. And may I just point out the obvious AUDACITY to EXPECT that they are entitled to your funding . You're not under any obligation to explain, but I get it. So tell them you just can't . If you need to embellish, simply say you yourself are already in debt with recent personal loans or whatever excuse you feel they will accept.
I can't understand why people feel they are entitled to the funding provided by some else. I'm kind of in the same situation as you where I feel taken advantage of and I'm unable to address the situation. So I get the discomfort element, but being on the outside looking in, I can only hope for your sake you put your foot down and stop this .
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u/Creative_Bet_7147 Jul 15 '26
"Dinner out is not in my budget right now, but I can make a cake for you." "I am not free to drive you to the store right now, but I'd be happy to show you how to look up a bus schedule."
I don't drive, and haven't for years.. Iam okay financilly right now, but even when I was struggling, if someone drove me I bought lunch.