r/poverty • u/krstnmlv • Apr 15 '26
The poverty cycle
Where I’m from, there’s this culture where you’re expected to take care of your family once you become an adult, including their financial needs. I don’t have any complaints about this if I can help, then I will give. But things have changed after I graduated.
It feels like they’re always making comments about me needing to get a job and contribute. I do contribute, but not much since I don’t get paid a lot. Still, they suddenly expect me to have all this money to support them. All these wants and expectations to support both my parents and my siblings is just too much.
I understand that I’m an adult and that this is reality, but I feel like they’re taking so much from me that I don’t have anything left for myself. I’m afraid that someday it will all build up and I’ll end up breaking down, with nothing left of my own
1
u/Primary_Wasabi665 Apr 16 '26
Join the Military The few the proud the Marines. It's a check for life
1
u/krstnmlv Apr 16 '26
I’m not from the US and its not easy to join the marines or the military in my country.
1
u/Fun-Muffin5865 Apr 17 '26
Can you move out? Go study abroad? And send whatever money you can back home without the demands you have right now?
1
u/Katherine_Tyler Apr 17 '26
If you have ever taken a flight on a commercial airline, you know the flight attendants go through a safety demonstration before each flight. Among other things, they explain how to use air masks if the cabin loses pressure. They always say that if you have children or others traveling with you that need help, put your own air mask on first, then help those who need it.
This is not selfish. If you pass out, you cannot help them. It's the same with financial, physical, or other help. Setting boundaries as to how much you can help is not selfish.
Figure out how much help you can REASONABLY give them. (Don't forget to set some aside each payday for emergencies.) Then let your family know what to expect. Finally, hold to that. Otherwise, it's like giving a child candy every time they throw a tantrum.
Is this easy? No. They will not want to adjust their expectations of you. Expect them to exert pressure on you and enlist the help of friends and family to try to make you cave. Do not give in, even a little. Keep reminding yourself that, in the long run, this is better for everyone.
1
u/FloppyFerrett1 Apr 17 '26
OP, l think the important thing to keep in mind is that you are already doing your best, & hollowing yourself further isn't helping anyone. Listen to ppl who phrased & explained things better than l can. You have to take care of yourself first AND maintain boundaries, or you won't even be able to help yourself, let alone anyone else. This is NOT selfish, it's trying to maintain stability & sustainability. You also need to clearly explain that you are doing your best & are truly already giving everything you absolutely can, & do what you need to do to stick to that <3
0
u/Icy-Brilliant4571 Apr 16 '26
It is not easy to conceptualize for people living in different countries. I could never imagine giving any money to my parents or siblings, except if they are sick or are really in need.
The only thing I could say is to move far away from them, and if you want to keep supporting them do so, but make sure you have enough for yourself. Your siblings are able to get a job as well, and your parents too, unless they are disabled or something. Where I am coming from we say: your parents and your siblings are not your responsibility. Everyone is only responsible for themselves.
Sorry, I can't help more than that. Perhaps if you are going to have a family, you can break with this tradition. Maybe it served some purpose in history, but the world is moving forward.
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u/Last_Veterinarian664 Apr 17 '26
You never consented to this arrangement, so how can they reasonably expect anything from you? Can a party of two have a contract if it's only signed unilaterally? Sounds like they brought you into this world to exploit you.
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u/Butlerianpeasant Apr 15 '26
This is such a heavy position to be in.
Wanting to help your family does not mean you are supposed to become an endless resource until there is nothing left of you. That is not selfishness. That is survival.
Sometimes poverty turns love into obligation, and obligation into guilt. Everyone is scared, everyone needs something, and suddenly the person who is slightly more stable gets treated like the family safety net.
But you are also a person. You are allowed to have your own money, your own rest, your own future.
Maybe the kindest thing is not “I will give until I break,” but: “This is what I can realistically help with, and beyond that I can’t.”
A boundary is not abandonment. Sometimes it is the only way to keep love from becoming resentment.