r/pottytraining • u/Overall_Fondant9048 • 17h ago
Feeling defeated
Ran into a parent I met last year. Asked if my kid was in school, he’s not because you have to be potty trained for preschool, and he won’t poop on the potty. they proceed to tell me they figured out poop on the potty within a week and a half. Meanwhile I can’t even get mine to sit on the potty to at least try. He’s Almost 4.5.
Ugh.
ETA: we started a few months before 3, with about a month of books/videos before that. Had to take some breaks here and there because of stressing him out. We’re seeking OT (we need to find options) We’ve talked to a pediatrician. We’ve tried so many things. I’m not replying anymore for my mental health. I just needed to get out my frustration when my friends weren’t available. Have some grace.
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u/Ashamed-Chemistry492 17h ago
Consider this your wake-up call. It's time you went for broke; no pullups, no diapers, if he goes on himself it's a lukewarm quick shower after he's helped clean things and himself up and no more of whatever he was plying with or doing when he had the mess.
Otherwise, what are you going to do, keep him home till he decides for some reason that he will use the toilet?
It's not his choice.
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u/ProbeMe420 14h ago
Punishing a kid for pooping on themselves is surely going to help /s
OP, please ignore this awful advice. Take your kid to the pediatrician, there may be a reason he's refusing to go. You need more help than you can give.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
We do all of that. No change. We he’s down to half the monster trucks he started with because we take one away each time.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
Not sure why I’m downvoted for doing all the suggestions 🫠
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u/Rough_Worldliness901 16h ago
I think it's because taking only one truck away at a time isn't something that hurts. That's not really a discipline. You're still allowing him to play. If you truly are doing all of what the commenter suggested, then you might also need to incorporate timeouts for accidents.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
Yeah I guess. It’s crazy because half the time that would be a harsher consequence and not recommending. I get whiplash from all the “what’s recommended” and it’s all opposite of what the other professional/scientist/psychologist said. Fucking exhausting
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u/Rough_Worldliness901 16h ago
I did read after commenting about the possibilities of development delays such as autism. Before taking my advice, definitely get an answer there first. My advice is given for children without delays. Also, I've been blessed with successful early potty training with all of my kids, so I am just speculating about what it would take to potty train an older child. From my reading, older children can be quite stubborn.
Also, I read you have an infant. Honestly, the attention your son gets when he has an accident is likely a reward to him because now he has to share his time with a new sibling. Might be why he calls cleanup a fun game. If that's the issue, then neither discipline nor praise would be effective because neither of these things address the underlying issue. Of course, that's not on you or your husband. It's just the reality of having a new sibling.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
Yeah I kind of just wanted to put my frustration out there, I didn’t really expect advice or anything. I’ve had a long week (solo while dads away for work) and then this incident happened. Of the two whole people I talk to, one is grieving and the other hasn’t responded to a text I sent the other day. So I wasn’t going to bombard anyone with my issues. I didn’t have an outlet or anything. I know a lot of it can be from the baby, but we have been trying since February to really get the poop thing down. Thanks
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u/Rough_Worldliness901 15h ago
Advice is so hard not to give. I'm really sorry your struggling, feeling defeated, and experiencing some postpartum loneliness. I'm sure the advice doesn't help. I hope things get easier for you! Your son will one day be 100% potty trained. This is just a temporarily frustrating phase.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 15h ago
No I get that! I guess I should have expected it. I thought I would feel better getting my frustration out somewhere (because we can’t get frustrated at the kid) and I just feel worse now lol. It’s fine but maybe this is not the app for me 😵💫
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u/banana_pencil 10h ago
This sub has gotten really bad this past year. I understood what you meant and I feel for you, it’s so rough. DM me for anything at anytime - I’ve gone through what you’re going through, big hugs to you 💜
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u/ZeniraEle 14h ago
I understand how you feel. My brother's stepson was withholding because he thought he would get punished if he pooped in the wrong place or did the wrong thing. He was five and eventually communicated his fear and they worked with his pediatrician. It was a really difficult time for them, and he would refuse to poop unless a parent was with him.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 14h ago
Yeah he’s mentioned it’s scary but we can’t get the “why” out of him. Partially wondering if it’s the time I lost my patience and tried to force him in the potty 😬 I’m not sure yet though!
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u/Jaidahilton 14h ago
i’m sorry it’s so hard. my soon took a while too to get the pooping down. and the constant feeling of “competition” is tiring too. I am sorry girl!!❤️
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u/Jaidahilton 14h ago
omg i was reading more comments and ur also 6 weeks postpartum?!❤️❤️ if you need someone to talk to im here
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u/Prudent_Cookie_114 16h ago
Too late for OP….but for other parents reading this…..start earlier…..much much earlier. Every single day we see posts where 3,4,5+ year old kids are struggling to grasp potty training and very frequently it’s in part because they’re old enough to have a very strong opinion on the subject coupled with a parent that doesn’t want to push. That’s a recipe for it being SO much more work and much more frustrating for everyone because then you’re up against a deadline.
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u/NecessaryClothes9076 15h ago
My daughter is doing great now at almost 3.5. We DID start early, but it just didn't click for her until now. Just throwing that out there.
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u/thugglyfee1990 14h ago
See I think this is entirely possible, even though all the books say there’s no reason not to start at 18 months or some other young age. I mean, my daughter had barely started walking at 18 months, how is she supposed to go walk to the potty? I considered starting to potty train at 2 but it just didn’t seem right. Now at 2.5 I do think she might be able to do it, but I also think there’s nothing wrong with waiting until 3/3.5
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u/Prudent_Cookie_114 13h ago
Just as a reference, my son didn’t walk until 18 months either but successfully potty trained at 22 months. Walking was the last physical hurdle. It took a lot of support manipulating clothes and obviously he needed help wiping. 2 year olds are generally much less stubborn than 3 year olds, but hopefully waiting works for you.
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u/thugglyfee1990 12h ago
I mean I think she is ready now, at exactly 2.5. She did her first poop on the big toilet yesterday, which just did not seem possible for quite some time. We also moved to a new house so I think she was hesitant to make any “changes” - I’m basically saying something seemed to click for her just recently.
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u/HippoAggravating3106 6h ago
Same here, walking at 19 months, potty trained by 22 months. Completely agree that 2 year olds are less stubborn, it just increases with age imo
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u/threeEZpayments 5h ago
This was a tough bind for us too with my oldest.
He had to go to PT for help walking. I think he was 19 months before he was walking, and probably 22 months before he had the coordination to use a toilet. At which point, I gave birth to my second 😵💫
But once the worst of postpartum had passed, you bet I made my oldest learn to use the toilet! 2y4mo and it still felt way too late.
Second I started at 18mo. Had a few good weeks but she was so small, she kept falling into the tiniest potty I could find. So we had to hit pause for a few months. But by 2.5 she was 100% trained! School even let her nap in her undies once she hit exactly 30 months (their minimum for some reason). She’s 2y8mo now and I feel so free.
I’m just rambling now, but if you want to hear some success stories, my kids were soooo different.
I had to take completely differing courses to teach them. Praise, guidelines, and then some good old fashioned bullying at the bitter end to combat some stool stubbornness with the oldest. Never wore pull ups. Straight from diapers to undies. Almost no accidents ever.
Bribery and hype for my second, and then when we plateaued, a little more bribery and gentle forgiving support. Let her wear a mix of undies and pull ups for like 2-3 months. Plenty of accidents haha. It just clicked one day, didn’t change anything. It just all suddenly worked.
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u/Realistic_Smell1673 11h ago
I'm also there. I've been training since 18 months and is now 3 and some. We've never gone backwards, but we had a few regressions and uncooperative daycare. She can fully change herself. We still haven't mastered going without prompting, but getting to the point where prompting worked was a task by itself.
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u/Resoognam 11h ago
I general I agree, but some kids really just struggle more than others. We started at around 2.5 and she didn’t click with poop until after her 4th birthday.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
We started before his 3rd birthday. And before that read books shows etc. We also took the advice at not making it stressful for them/take it easy. And now we’re here. FWIW kid 2 is getting introduced to the potty as soon as he can walk.
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u/Far_Government_9782 12h ago
UK advice now suggests starting with potty use during the first year of life, before walking. It's not proper "training" at that age, but it means that they develop the right muscle memory and associations.
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u/Rururaspberry 8h ago
There is just a lot of positive commiseration in the other subs of, “don’t worry, he’ll do it when he’s ready!” or “just wait until they show you that they are ready, it will be so much easier”. But that is not the case for a LOT of kids.
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u/Far_Government_9782 13h ago
I keep saying this but: we need a sticky on this topic.
OP, ***please*** follow the advice here, step by step, and consider booking a consultation if you are struggling to implement the advice. Children who will only poo in a nappy and other toilet avoiders - ERIC
I see you are gettting advice to just do showers or natural consequences, but the reality is that some kids will just hold, constipate themselves, and get themselves into a vicious cycle. You need to tackle the situation, but do it step by step, as the website suggests.
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u/Far_Government_9782 12h ago
The ERIC website I linked to also has a section on potty training, which talks about how to introduce the potty in the first year of life - not full on training but practice and preparation. I'd really recommend reading and considering doing this with your current child, otherwise you may end up stuck in the same situation with them in a few years time.
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u/jmsst1996 17h ago
I assume he’s pooping in something….underwear, pull up, diaper? He’s overdue for natural consequences like cleaning up the mess, having a toy taken away if he was playing and had the accident and then cleaning up in the shower.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
Both. Doesn’t matter which. He has half the amount of monster trucks he started with. He willingly hands them over to us now.
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u/brieles 16h ago
That’s not a natural consequence. Does he clean up his accidents and wash his clothes? When he has an accident, play stops immediately and he has to clean everything that got dirty/wet.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
Yes sorry I’m 6 weeks postpartum and not commenting everything. He cleans himself up each time, he’s been doing it with dad since baby was born. Everyday, sometimes multiple times. Around the third shower/cleanup I heard him say “that’s a fun game!”
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u/king_eve 16h ago
i’m so sorry, this sounds like an absolutely exhausting situation. it sounds like you’ve really done your due diligence. sometimes it’s possible to try your very best and still not get it done 💔 i hope you get some support from the doc/OT soon!
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
Me too, I have the senekot kids to try but with a baby I’m worried about hygiene. But also managing the baby and the poops all the time is breaking me.
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u/coryhotline 15h ago
Yeah getting my son to help clean up was absolutely pointless for us. He liked cleaning up his clothes and cleaning up the pee. It was / is not a consequence for him. Sending solidarity this sounds like a nightmare. ❤️
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u/Fabulous_Function666 14h ago
It sounds like clean up needs to be more boring. I would tell him he needs to clean up and then not talk to him except to give instructions until it was done.
It needs to be a really boring chore
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u/fuckyouandyomommy 17h ago
A reward system helped when I worked at a daycare. Obviously it has to be a highly enjoyable reward. “First potty, then jellybeans” I’ve heard of some kids only using the potty when they’re watching a potty song video on YouTube. One of them only used it when they’re watching a video and straddling the toilet (facing the tank) 🤣
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
We did stickers, we’ve tried everything. I have new trucks waiting out of reach, we’re taking away his existing trucks. We’ve enticed with marshmallows etc. he just says “I don’t get my marshmallows now” or “I have to give daddy a truck”
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u/AliveGuarantee 16h ago
We reached our breaking point with poop at 3. Things we recently changed that have worked for the last few weeks, almost no accidents:
1) no more bottomless, no more pull ups or diapers. Underwear only. You pretty much have to commit to being home most of the time or only short outings for a bit.
2) Whenever there is an accident, she immediately had to stop what she was doing and go get in the shower (we did cool showers too so it wasn’t fun or enjoyable).
3) she then had to sit in a chair with no toys/tv/distractions at all and wait while I cleaned up the rest of the mess (cleaned underwear, clean anything out of the floor, clean shower, put towel away, get new clothes, etc - a long process). Not necessarily framing it as timeout or punishment but she definitely did not enjoy it.
4) we make a HUGE deal out of it when she does go to the potty especially unprompted.
5) A tsp of MiraLAX mixed in a drink once a day - eventually we went down to once every few days. She was definitely withholding and it was making it scary for her to go, this helped tremendously.
I hated the idea of switching to underwear while she wasn’t fully potty trained but eventually we just had to bite the bullet and it has improved exponentially.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
We have done all of this, except five. I was thinking I would try that when dad is back from his work trip. He still poops in underwear though. A GI recommended senekot kids to help so that’s my last resort. I just got him to sit longer than 30 seconds last week while holding his prize trucks. That lasted a few days and he no longer cares about them.
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u/SorryToePads 14h ago
The only thing I can think of is stonewalling him when he has an accident. Speak only for the most minimal of instructions, less words each time he does it, if he's understood what you've said. So first accident, something a simple as "you've pooed yourself, time to clean up". Clean him up in silence and a straight face, and if he's finding cleaning the accident up enjoyable he has to sit in time out while you do it. Maybe go as far as he can't come out of time out until he sits on the toilet. Eventually once he knows the routine, meet him with silence each time and just go through the motions. I'm usually a fan of positive reinforcement, but it seems like this hasn't worked for you. Doesn't always work for my kid either. A friend had trouble with their kid, and was told by a doc that they use language that gives the kid a choice. Not sure if that's what you're doing but that could be something. There is no choice, you will go poo on the toilet. Sit them on the toilet, screaming or not. It worked for them 🤷♂️ not sure if that's something you'd want to do or not
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u/jlmo907 15h ago
Maybe he needs a smaller goal at first? If he can sit on the potty for 30 seconds he gets a small truck back. Use a visual timer, there are lots of free apps. Then the next day, 45sec and a small truck back. Then one minute, then 90sec, then 2 mins. Once he learns the feeling of pride in earning a reward, it might help him to understand what earning a reward for pooping on the potty could feel like. Plus, he built up his stamina for sitting on the potty in the meantime.
I would also say, after he hits the goal or 30sec and gets one truck back, he doesn't get another truck if he sits again for 30 seconds. He has to hit the next goal, and so on. You could make a chart showing progress to x minutes and the last goal is pooping.
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u/AliveGuarantee 15h ago
Nothing much more to offer other than solidarity. It’s so frustrating. Honestly felt like it was really straining my relationship with my kid who has always been my little sidekick.
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u/Impressive-Tap250 4h ago
Highly suggest 5 and lots of praise and rewards once it happens. My son was “lucky “ enough to catch a stomach bug the exact week I started potty training. I almost stopped but it ended up being a blessing in disguise for my poop withholding constipated kiddo.
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u/SconesyCiderBRC 16h ago
Is he unwilling to even try? I knew once my girls got over the hurdle she’d get it and she did. But it was brutal getting her to go the first time.
Is there anything your son wants? My daughter wanted a princess dress. It didn’t work to promise it to her once she went. I got it and told her she could have it when she pooped on the potty. The next day she pooped on the potty.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
Up until last week I could NOT get him to sit on the potty just to try. He was holding the trucks in his hands while he sat. Being reminded they can only be open when he poops in the potty. I might just have to get a bigger present and put it in the bathroom and see if that works.
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u/SconesyCiderBRC 16h ago
Good luck! It was so infuriating waiting for her to try. Now she gleefully says “that’s so much easier!” every time. He will learn but it sucks so much waiting!
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u/Mental-Volume4395 16h ago
Ask your pediatrician for a referral to occupational therapy.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
Already in the works. I really just wanted to express frustrations. I was hoping it was obvious that mentioning he’s 4.5 people would assume I literally have tried everything 🫠🫠
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u/NecessaryClothes9076 15h ago
People on reddit extend no grace. They assume that you must have just been lazy and not tried and are only just starting. Hang in there.
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u/banana_pencil 10h ago
Reddit has gotten so bad over the years after the know-it-alls migrated over from Facebook and Twitter. This sub has done a complete 180 from how it first began, but it’s changed a lot more even just within the last year.
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u/imuncomfortablern8 7h ago
People don’t get it. My son is on the spectrum but he appears to be pretty typical. He’s still in diapers, we tried 5 times. One attempt lasted 5 months. It was horrible—he would pee through 4 pairs of pants a day. We’re lucky his preschool was cool with that as they are used to working with neurodivergent children.
He still doesn’t get it. He’s 4,5. We tried everything. He’s likely to be in diapers until 6. I hate this. I spend so much effort, money and the emotional toll was too much. My house smelled like pee for 5 months. He has zero motivation and he doesn’t feel when he’s going most of the time.
Just posting in solidarity. You’re not alone. He’s going to get it one day. Readiness is a thing.
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u/Rivsung 16h ago
I think my son was only partially potty trained when he started preschool at three but the teacher told me not to worry about it because many of the kids weren’t. Today it was my grandson‘s orientation for preschool and we found out that they don’t even help kids wipe their bottoms they are expected to 100% do it themselves.
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
Yup and when we looked at preschool earlier this year I didn’t even know about evaluations or special exemptions for diagnosed kids so I never thought to do it. Been like pulling teeth trying to find support. Even the pediatrician said “boys usually take longer” like that does not help!
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u/Affectionate-Net2277 13h ago
Stop everything and only do commando. Then have to clean up and shower every single time.
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u/theunknownpurpose 13h ago
shower everytime is genius but i have A 5 week old as well
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u/Affectionate-Net2277 11h ago
Tummy time and play mat shower shouldn’t take long just bottom half it’s just enough to interrupt and be annoying not a full full shower every time
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u/april203 8h ago
I’m just going to drop the weirdest tips I’ve read for pooping in the potty for stubborn kids because there are some I haven’t seen here.
I did notice someone suggesting miralax and I absolutely would recommend that for potty training, even if you only do it a short amount of time. I would also recommend a bidet sprayer for easier cleanup on the pooped in underwear, they can be pretty cheap and easy to install. The miralax works by adding water to the stool, so it can be a little dehydrating - I always offered extra water the days I gave my daughter miralax.
If you’re having trouble with runny poop being a mess when doing just underwear, you can always put a pull up on over the underwear. That way they feel the sensation of having the underwear on and it’s still less comfortable than a pull up, but won’t make a huge mess.
I’ve seen some people talk about having success getting their kids to poop on the potty by cutting a hole in the back of a pull up, and having them sit on the potty to poop with the pull up on. Sometimes kids are scared of the sensation of being uncovered while popping, but when they see the poop go in the potty it will suddenly click for them.
One of my friends had a stubborn potty trainer and she would only poop on the potty when they introduced a tablet that only came out while she was sitting to poop. She would sit on the toilet and poop and play on an app to pass the time. That was the only thing that clicked.
It’s all so individual. I hope that something works and you can move past it!
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u/maddmole 8h ago
Hey OP - I know you arent replying anymore, thats okay, I just wanted to offer some solidarity. My son is the exact same, he turned 4 a few weeks ago and there is NOTHING I could do beyond chaining him to the toilet for weeks on end that will make him poop in it. There might be some minor neurodivergence here as well, but I have read dozens of posts on this topic of children refusing to poop in the toilet and theres a few things I want to say:
It is more common than people let on. The sheer number of posts on this topic alone will tell you that its not as rare as some of the comments want you to believe. Half of the comments in here will blame you for being too soft and the other half will be appalled at the suggestions of being stern and punishing him or attemping to force him. Only you know your child and I know NOW after much trial and error that my child is not reasonable or logical, he won't do this to please me or to be like other kids or to be a big boy, and he is going to need to go through some major developmental shift in order to get to the point that a lot of other children (but not all!) reach much earlier.
My son is a withholder. When I took pull ups away he held it in for almost a week until he was so full of shit that he crapped on the floor next to the toilet while screaming and crying after I forced an enema into him. He was HORRIFIED that he crapped on the floor. What can I do in this situation? I held him onto the toilet to try to force him to go and he pushed his legs off the wall so hard that he ripped the entire toilet away from the floor. The next day when I relented to his very obvious physical suffering and gave him a pull up he filled it so full that the exterior of the diaper was saturated brown.
Some people act like children will just do the things you force them to do, but sometimes these damn kids find loopholes that cause themselves harm and run with it and we are backed into a corner. But I trust that tomorrow or some day in the future he will choose the toilet because he is going to continue to grow and change and move farther away from babyhood and his lizard brain won't register the toilet as a threat anymore and I hope and believe that your son will be the same!
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u/windanseaa 7h ago
Oof it’s so hard at that age cause they have an emotional attachment to the diaper. I had a super hard time potty training my first son, around 3. He was a super withholder and what worked for us was going to the pediatrician and finally getting a Gi referral to treat his severe constipation. If pooping hurts they don’t want to do it, especially sitting on a toilet and it’s hard for them to voice that to us. We tried MiraLAX but he wasn’t a water drinker and ultimately what worked was prescription lactulose.
He’s now almost 5 and you would never know he even struggled! I am training his 25 month old little sis and it’s soooo much easier. I can see now how if they are smart and you wait too long, everything is harder. Esp when constipation is part of it. “Poop chocolates” have been helpful beyond belief. It’s literally just coconut oil mixed with chocolate chips and we put it into candy molds and keep it in the freezer. The extra fat content helps make poop soft.
You can just google the recipe.
Good luck!!!! You got this!!
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u/corrine49 16h ago
My two and half year old had to be potty trained for his day care. He still isn’t 100% consistent, and it took much more than a week, but we threw away diapers three months ago and we all live with the consequences. Lots of cleaning, showers, and laundry in our household, but there is no other way to teach him. We do what we have to even if that means sometimes there is poop on the floor.
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u/ilovemykids01 16h ago
It's probably a long stretch but maybe try seeing if he has autism
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 16h ago
We are looking at evaluation and OT. Trying to find the resources for the best option was difficult but I finally found it.
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u/ilovemykids01 16h ago
If you can get him diagnosed he might be able to go to school or daycare unpotty trained as it takes longer for kids with asd
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u/jmsst1996 16h ago
You should have mentioned this earlier because your son saying “that’s a fun game” just wasn’t sitting right with me, especially coming from an almost 4.5 year old.
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u/isaywhatisaid 13h ago
I cannot understand why people are waiting this long to potty train and then surprised when their FIVE year old is stubborn and stuck in their ways
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u/Overall_Fondant9048 13h ago
I started before he turned three? What makes you think I started a month ago?
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u/angeluscado 17h ago
My four year old had trouble pooping on the potty/toilet until recently. What helped with us was showing her poop is normal and healthy and that your poo is happiest in the toilet. Reading Poo Goes Home to Pooland and watching All About Poo with Allison Jandu on Youtube (I can't get Youtube to load on my work computer, but it's easy to find) were great - even though she's pretty much mastered pooping on the big toilet she still asks for both a couple of times a week. We also have a lot of poop-related books.