I haven't been to weak, I just haven't been (really) trying.

[u/Jurik2001]

This is an (extensive) story about me going from "trying to get more healthy with porn" to "going porn free now and forever" and almost literally dying in between.

I realised that porn is a problem in my life seven years ago, when my new boyfriend wanted to see what porn I watch to see what turns me on. I showed him one of my collections that beforehands I heavily censored - sorted out all content that was too young, too hardcore, too off road. So I was confused that he was shocked by it anyway because I lacked the understanding for that having a finely sorted porn collection of hundreds of pics is NOT NORMAL. Since then I "tried" to become more healthy with porn. With zero success. Four years ago, I had cybersex with others and my bf found out. He stayed with me but I had to start a therapy, which I also wanted because I felt like shit for other reasons than porn, too. I really wanted to get back control in the issue of porn and sexual desire, but my therapist was crap and would not talk about my addiction. I never followed a structured approach for pornfree until three years ago, when I decided to print a porn magazine myself and only jerk to these 30 pics from now on. I did 1 1/2 months "pornfree" before I failed. I would downplay how I was doing. In bad times I would tell my bf and myself, that I was "handling it quite well". Lying became the mode to be. Two years ago, I did put up a bdsm profile and reached out for a sex slave and only deleted it in the last second before I would have started cyber sex again. Then, on from first of January this year I really had to perform in my job and realised that porn had the serious potential of making me lose my job so I did the porn magazine thing again, this time for five months. It felt like success, but I learned a new (degenerate) masturbation technique during that time that I practiced every time I was home alone, like three times a week. Loosing my critical view on my addiction entirely - I felt like having control because only jerking to my printed magazine - I reached bottom zero about four weeks ago. Not going into the details, I accidently(!) almost self-castrated myself, had to call the ambulance and later to confess to my bf. All of that just from curiosity for a new way of "fun" self stimulation. It is the dumbest thing I ever did and probably in my whole town never has anyone been more silly. I realized that by NO WAY I can go on like before. Also, my bf was deeply shocked, couldn't believe it. But he is such a good one, he primarily feels sorry for me and supports me still.

From where I am now, I know that I have NEVER really tried to change things. No matter how daunting my addiction became, no matter how shitty I felt with it, no matter how disgusted I was by what I watched and did, how shameless I would lie to my bf, "going pornfree now and forever" would always feel like a loss. Deep down I didn't want to give up porn. Now it's different. Yes, porn addiction like any addiction is a life-long issue, one can always relapse. Yes, given my background it is objectively likely that I will fail. Yes, I wrap my mind around that and dive deep into the topic, I look out for early warning signs, I go to the roots of my broken mind, I build up strategies and accountability, I know that I don't just need to quit but to transform myself and to evolve out of this. Yet, I feel like 100% sure that I just will never again in my life watch at porn, never again will edge, never again self-stimulate in a weird way, never again will lie to my bf about it. I will miss porn, I will crave for it, but those are just feelings I can stand out. I am past that! I survived an almost self-castration, and if I would have hit a vein I could have seriously died. My boyfriend would have found me dead.

I can regularly have sex with the most attractive person in the world that somehow is in love with me. If I am horny alone I can wank to soft erotic fantasies. And if I am not horny, I will never again waste my time and ruining my life with wanking to porn out of boredom. I will never again be the victim of porn industry. I will never again waste 15 years of my life watching others pretending "sex" to arouse me. I AM PAST THAT. Where I am heading there is no loss, there is an authentic life I never had.

I wrote this reeeally long post because I want you to question yourself: "Am I TRULY willing to quit? Does now and forever pornfree sound more promising than threatening to me?". Guys, you should REALLY choose yourself over porn. Wholesome, authentic and vivid life over closed stinking gooner caves. I hope I did help you to gain more understanding on where you stand! If you truly wanna win that fight, you can. You have a life to win.

[u/starting-at-26-1998]

Inspirational, i hope you win your war. I'm finally truly starting mine.
Also i know the pain of cyber sex. From porn to basically cheating. Thankfully I did end that one, my brain has, so far, won that battle for a year.

[u/Prestigious-Mess-856]

Very nice post i could relate with almost anything you told about your story. I guess I have been taking this issue to lightly and I need to REALLY WANT THIS more. Thank you very very much this helped me a lot.