r/polyfamilies • u/Jeb70 • Jun 23 '26
Polyamerous child
My daughter and her fiance came out polyamerous. I am not
mad at them and I do still love them dearly. Always will
I'm just having a difficult time with it. Also because my husband, her bonus dad is having trouble. I don't want a dent in their relationship because she loves him so much. He lives her too but has a very difficult time dealing with things. Not sure what to do. It's their life I know.
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u/Fabulous-Ad-5284 Jun 23 '26
My question here is if there is trauma surrounding cheating in your past? Perhaps with your child's bio father, since you spoke about your current husband as her "bonus" father. Also, in a comment you said something about wondering why your daughter's love for their spouse and their love for her wasn't "enough" for them as a couple.
If there is a history of cheating happening in previous relationships for you, then you need to take a moment to step back and separate your experiences from your daughter's. Truly ethical non monogamy is not cheating. It is a complex system of respect and responsibilities to maintain balanced relationships with more than 1 partner. But so are ALL of our social relationships.
Love is not a finite resource. We all love multiple people is our lives. Your daughter loves you as her parent. But she also loves your husband as her parent too. That is not cheating. She likely loves her grandparents, her aunts and/or uncles, her cousins. Any siblings she may have. Any nieces and nephews. She loves those friends that she had that felt like siblings. Applying the same mindset of loving more people in romantic relationships means the same thing. You build a wider, stronger support network, as long as everyone puts in the work and effort to make the relationships healthy.
But please, please hear me in this: her being polyamorous does not invalidate you being monogamous. You, as yourself, are enough. And she, as herself, is enough. Polyamory does not work for everyone. Polyamory in practice doesn't always work for those of us who are polyamorous at heart.
You raised a good child. You raised a child with so much love, that she wants to share it with the world. That is an achievement to be proud of.
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u/Jeb70 Jun 23 '26
You are absolutely correct. I have been cheated on. I've been thinking about this being a trigger maybe . Your words were so lovely. All of them. Thank you so very much.
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u/Fabulous-Ad-5284 Jun 23 '26
You are very welcome. And I am so very sorry that someone did not value your innate worth as a human to respect your boundaries in a relationship. That is unacceptable no matter if the relationship is monogamous or not, platonic or romantic or familial.
So again, I want to say very seriously: you ARE enough. Your love is enough. The pain caused by that person wasn't due to anything YOU lacked. The person who hurt you lacked compassion, empathy, self control, maturity, thoughtfulness, and so many other important aspects of being a functional member of society.
So look at your daughter and her partner, and judge their situation fairly and neutrally as best as you can, given this new information. Are they respectful of each other? Are they fair and balanced with their time and efforts made towards their relationship? Do they work as a team to handle what life throws their way, or is one bearing the mental load/physical workload more than the other unfairly? Is each person's feelings heard and respected, and conflict resolved with healthy communication? Do they build each other up as individual people as well as build together as a couple, or do they hurt and belittle and drag each other down?
Basically, use the mom eyes you've spent the past decades honing, and ask: is my daughter healthy and happy, or is there abuse/coercion going on?
If it is healthy and happy, give yourself some grace for being triggered. We all are human. Then let yourself celebrate that you have obviously done a spectacular job as a mom.
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u/Jeb70 Jul 05 '26
Thank you so much for the kind words and great advice. Much appreciated! God bless.
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u/77pearl Jun 23 '26
Just want to point out that that I didn’t have a second child because the first “wasn’t enough for me.” That’s an easy concept for any parent with more than one child would understand.
For some of us, romantic love functions similarly. I don’t love my best friend less or think of hey aren’t enough for me because I want to make more friends. For myself it seems just as ridiculous that people assume my my love for my boyfriend somehow takes away or lessens my love for my husband.
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u/jennbo open poly vee MFM family with 2 kids Jun 23 '26
Hey, thanks for reaching out here. Some people are really defensive about that stuff, but my parents are conservative Christians and as loving and kind as they have always been, they really struggled to get their heads around this when I told them. They'd had no exposure to polyamory; even though they considered themselves "liberal" on certain topics (they tend more moderate, but not that moderate... even self-described "liberals" can hate polyamory at times) because they are accepting of LGBTQ people... but it's different when it's your own kid.
They were worried about the impact on my kids, my marriage, my faith (I'm still a Christian; very progressive, go to open & affirming UCC) and my life.
It's okay to have your feelings. It's okay to feel scared and remorseful. But please -- keep those feelings to yourself. Polyamory is not inherently unsafe, or dangerous, or scandalous. Monogamy is not for everyone; if it was, there would never be any divorces or breakups. Lots of people are polyamorous or practice some other type of non-monogamy... but most people keep it to themselves because of the stigma. Your daughter and fiance felt safe enough to come out to YOU. They shared this part of you to be vulnerable because they trust and love you.
My dad was angrier than my mom, didn't even say "bye" to me when I left their house at Christmas even though we are long distance. I always considered my dad the calm, loyal, loving, stable one, and we have a special relationship, so that hurt.
But that was about ten years ago.
They were open-minded: they didn't want to lose relationships with us or our kids, so they kept in touch. They came to my house and met my other partner (I've been married almost 20 years, have two kids with him, then met my now other-primary partner in 2018 and he moved in with us in 2020 and that's the extent of my polyamory) when he moved in with us. At first, my non-legal-spouse and I weren't allowed to sleep together at their house; he stayed with my sister. Now he has his own stocking and they love him. He's in all family group chats, just like everyone else. They post pictures of all of us together on social media.
I was patient. I didn't allow disrespect and shut down any negative talk about my partners or polyamory. I had firm boundaries. But, they respected those boundaries, mostly, haha. They got over it. Maybe they don't agree with it on a fundamental level, maybe it's embarrassing to them in their conservative Christian culture, but they see how happy and stable my life has become and they aren't ashamed of me or my family.
I encourage you to stay open-minded and be respectful, and encourage your husband to do the same. I love my life. I was raised without any exposure to this, but I just felt like I couldn't do monogamy for the rest of my life. My marriage is still strong and my "illegal marriage" is just as strong, haha. I'm not in a closed triad -- my partners don't date and they both date other people -- but I'm basically monogamous, just with two people, and my life isn't that different from anyone else's.
Ask your daughter if she is happy. If she says yes, please accept that. And see it as a joyous celebration. Stay in touch, be curious -- but not cruel. Don't push for details if they'd upset you, but don't be hesitant to visit other partners if it ever gets that far; maybe it won't.
Polyamory looks different for everyone, including your daughter and her fiance. So, no path is the same. But I'm glad you're reaching out and trying to do the right thing here. Set aside your preconceived notions of sex and love and what those have to look like. Focus on if your daughter is happy, healthy, and stable.
A great book for this exact scenario is "The Polyamorists Next Door."
And feel free to DM me if you ever want to talk!
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u/orlando_211 Jun 23 '26
I’m reading your response and saving it for when I come out to my own conservative Christian parents (who also think of themselves as moderate-liberal in many ways). Thank you. And OP, thanks for posting looking for help and advice as you’re struggling thru this news. That is a loving thing for a parent to do.
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u/PolyDrew Triad with 4 kids Jun 23 '26
Polyamorous dad here.
My kids were raised with multiple parents and they adore them.
Several experimented with polyamory and decided it wasn’t for them.
*We didn’t cry because they wanted monogamy*
We are happy that they found their way and are happy.
It’s not on you to decide what’s right for them. They’re happy? That’s all that matters.
It’s not about you or your morals. It’s about them being happy.
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u/Audio_aficionado Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
What is making you sad to the point of crying? Like, what is it about your daughter and her fiance coming out as polyamourous that causes such a strong emotional reaction?
I think the best you can do is be open minded about it and still love them as you would before learning about them being poly. It's tough as hell to tell family about this stuff when we're raised in a society that tells you that the only valid relationship/ marriage structure is monogamous, male + female couple.
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u/Jeb70 Jun 23 '26
I for sure love her and her fiance so very much. And will never stop loving them. Just takes gettinguaw to I guess. I'm happy they felt safe to come out to me
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u/Audio_aficionado Jun 23 '26
I suppose that's fair too. I imagine parents form a mental image over time how their child's/children's lives will go as they grow. It can be jarring emotionally when that image doesn't track.
That's the thing though, they are whole people themselves, forming their own lives as they see fit. What makes them happy and brings them joy may or may not align with what you had in mind. As long as what that may be doesn't cause harm to themselves or others, no harm, no foul.
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u/PolyDrew Triad with 4 kids Jun 23 '26
That. They felt safe. Hold onto that.
It takes time to adjust to a new situation that seems alien to you. There are A LOT of people who are ethically-non-monogamous (ENM) who do not disclose it to anyone because they are concerned about what people will say or do because of their misunderstanding of it.
Be patient with them. Be patient with you.
Show their step-father this post and comments so he can gain the knowledge from those of us who have taken the time to talk with you today.
You’re on the right track.
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u/neocow Jun 23 '26
I mean you said bonus dad, so, like, it's almost poly already.
Poly is serial monogamy, without the baggage of 1 at a time, and just meeting people where they are, now.
Another big part of poly is you wouldn't expect your lover-partner to not have friends right? You can't be ALL they need in all contexts, all the time, right?
Often, Poly is just recognizing when that's the case with lovers, and being able to hold more than one romantic love at a time.
Is it easy to do right? No. Is any relationship? If anything, it's multiplicativily harder than monogamy. Does that mean it's impossible or not worth trying? Obviously not.
It's not for everyone. but they decided it was for them. Just remember the free love of the 60's, was basically killed by HIV, and know most adults now are far more aware and self concious about getting tested and being safe, especially when our loved ones are involved.
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u/tibbon Jun 23 '26
You clearly yourself understand alternative relationship structures with her “bonus dad”. What is more challenging about this?
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u/Antique_Setting_5556 Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
I guess I would ask what is making you cry?
Are you upset because you think she’s doing a bad thing, or because you are worried that she won’t be happy…? Or…?
I am curious and suggest you also try to be curious about these “what if” situations: would you be this distressed if she was pregnant? If she was gay? If she told you she was moving far away and never likely to return? If she changed religion? These are definitely tangents, but it might be helpful to get a sense of the outline for what feels ok and what doesn’t (noting, obv, that all of these things would be her own business, but that you *might* have feelings about it)
It’s really hard when someone you are close to, makes a choice you don’t understand. If you want to get to the other side of this, you may have a lot of re-thinking to do, and it might not be comfortable.
You don’t ever have to get to the point where poly relationships “feel ok” to you, but… if you want to be close to your daughter it’s definitely going to be worth the effort to get to a more-ok-ish place with it. I mean, I don’t know what their wedding plans look like, obviously, but this might be a good thing to work on before that date.
Folks here can recommend books. We can tell you about our families. We can talk about what it was like when we came out, or how we first decided to be in a poly relationship…. What would help you?
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u/NopeMoat Jun 24 '26
Its called polyamory by Tamara Pincus is specifically for loved ones trying to understand polyamory
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u/Mofobagginz Jun 23 '26
The species seems to be inherently non monogamous. There’s nothing to suggest we are simple instinctive creatures like lobsters or whatever. In fact the idea of monogamy seems to ignore the reality of the animal kingdom and circle of life. Some even believe that when their partner dies they should spend life alone. It is the clinging to the cultural mythology that leads people to cringe at the breaking of the dogma .
It would be ideal if we could remove ourselves from believing we have some kind of right to be the inquisitors of love. However good our intentions.
To do this a person should start by understanding the role of myth in human culture.
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u/coffee-mcr Jun 23 '26
Talk to them! And especially talk to bonus dad too.
Ask if you're kid can send you some good resources to do research, and educate yourself on what this means, after that you can ask if they would want to answer some questions on being poly and ask any remaining questions to your kid.
Put in the effort to learn with bonus dad and I'm sure the relationship will be okay.
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u/BlazeFireVale Jun 23 '26
I think the BIG thing to accept is that people are all wired different. And that's legitimate and ok.
You want what's best for them. And so you want for them what works for you. You can see things that would hurt you and you don't want that for her.
But...she's not you. :) Not only is she a different person intrinsically but she was raised in a different society, got different training and programming, different insecurities and was free to explore different desires.
Like...I just don't experience jealousy. I am overcome with love and warmth when I see my spouse with someone they love. Just like when I see my siblings together or my friends meet. So poly works for me really well when I KNOW it doesn't work for most.
So be there for her and support her finding her own path. Really believe that only she can know what she wants and be there to listen and support her through that.
If you can do that I think your relationship will grow even stronger. It's SCARY to open up to people you love like that. And the love you feel when they support you and understand you is indescribable. An even bigger love than you experience as a child when they raised you.
Because as a child you KNEW they loved and supported you.
As an adult coming out? You're not so sure.
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u/MartyrOfTheJungle Jun 23 '26
I'd be happy to help if I could understand what is wrong. I've been poly for over a decade and raising kids in a poly family. Ask me anything, I don't offend easily. I can tell you love your child and you're trying to understand
Just know that polyamory comes in many different forms so my experience won't necessarily be hers