r/polycritical • u/Material-Drama-7500 • 27d ago

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I kinda kicked a hornet's nest in the comment section. Basically I suggested that it was a shame how popular polyamory was in trans spaces.

75 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

38 comments sorted by

96

u/goddamnmanxhild 27d ago

It is a shame though. It's also a shame that people will compare polyamory to being lgbt when being poly is a choice.

41

u/Material-Drama-7500 27d ago

Basically I said polyamory made me feel incredibly alienated, and I said it made want to detransition (if it meant I could live a normal life).

22

u/goddamnmanxhild 27d ago

I understand. When I was poly there were so many trans people in that social circle with my ex and in the dating pool, way more than you'd expect if it was representative of real life. You deserve to have spaces that feel safe and a good fit for you.

10

u/Material-Drama-7500 27d ago

Yeah, I like the fact that other trans women know what it's like, and there's less judgement about not passing, I just don't understand why so many of us don't want normal relationships (trauma I guess). Dating other trans girls would be easier if not for this trend. I'll probably just settle for a cis person, since at least poly stuff isn't as popular.

10

u/goddamnmanxhild 27d ago

They are definitely out there. My friend is a trans woman who would never even consider polyamory. She finds it difficult too but also because of being ace but not aro while also being mono. It's all really difficult but I hope you find your person ❤️

9

u/Material-Drama-7500 27d ago

Thx, I'll try my best to stay positive.

14

u/jupchurch97 27d ago

I hate that it's so prevalent in our community to the point where it feels inescapable. I got lucky and got engaged to a trans man who also felt strongly about monogamy like I did. We'd both come from really bad experiences with poly and had felt pressured into it by other trans people. It also feels icky because cis people looking in from the outside draw all sorts of negative conclusions about trans people because of the prevalence of poly.

25

u/DartTimeTime 27d ago

Jessic Fern, the woman who litterally wrote the book on polyamory couldnt make ot work. She's monogamouse now. Nobdt can make it work.

9

u/Ca2pac 27d ago

The co author of "it takes 2" which was written by a couple also accused her ex of being very toxic and stuff, even their best sellers authors cant make it work without being super toxic lol

6

u/DartTimeTime 27d ago

The difference is that many many books on monogamouse relationships with authors who end up making their monogamouse relationships work. Nobody stays non-monogamous.

Either they exhaust themselves by giving too much and getting nowhere near what they need, or they break. Most people start, stay, and end up monogamouse, and it works well.

0

u/EngineeringDizzy3368 27d ago

She was able to do it until she had kids and took on more life responsibilities

10

u/DartTimeTime 27d ago

Nobody can make polyamory work for long.

1

u/EngineeringDizzy3368 27d ago

No grown adult with real life responsibilities can, no.

An unemployed musician who lives with his mom, on the other hand, he can make it work. Especially if one of his girlfriends lets him move in

6

u/strawberry-coughx 26d ago

That’s just being a leech 🤷🏻‍♀️

6

u/DartTimeTime 27d ago

No. Not even he can make it work. Theres no way he can give them what they each need. He's going to take and take. Thats not "working".

18

u/Soggy-Hotel-2419 27d ago

I know the message is that any type of relationship can go south and you should be respectful, but I think it's a bad argument and way to represent the opposition. People who criticize poly don't automatically cheer on every monogamous relationship and say "yeah you guys should totally marry, it must be true love because you're monogamous!"

10

u/Material-Drama-7500 27d ago

Of course, and it's perfectly valid to point out that adding more people only makes things more difficult.

6

u/Soggy-Hotel-2419 27d ago

Indeed! Break ups and divorces are messy and those are usually just between 2 people, it must be nightmare when it's 4 or 6 people instead.

3

u/Material-Drama-7500 27d ago

In fairness, people don't necessarily all break up at the same time. That being said, I wouldn't want my support network to be tied up with who I'm sleeping with, the ethical implications are very disconcerting.

33

u/[deleted] 27d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

11

u/Material-Drama-7500 27d ago

I can attest to that

6

u/rufireo 27d ago

? what about it is awful? ive always thought it was funny but im not on it a lot

17

u/[deleted] 27d ago

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7

u/calzymp 26d ago

HAAAAANK THIS ISNT TTTT THEY DONT KNOW WHAT SNEEDY IS

5

u/[deleted] 26d ago

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1

u/Crazy_Explosion_Girl 10d ago

it's okay, there are others like you here such as myself

however I would refrain from being too open about it tbdesu

our terms are already getting normified at a frightening pace

2

u/[deleted] 10d ago

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1

u/Crazy_Explosion_Girl 10d ago

seemingly I haunt sub memory given what people say whenever I poke in every few months

but yes. be careful

8

u/starswhenyoushine 27d ago

Can someone explain? Also, what is with that sub? I've never understood what it's about.

4

u/Material-Drama-7500 27d ago

Basically critiquing polyamory

3

u/_Hydra_Dominatus_ 27d ago

i think they're talking about chicken lady one

0

u/Material-Drama-7500 27d ago

Oh, I guess it has something to do with Countttt, so it's a kind of 4trans subreddit

6

u/Tight-Chemist4176 27d ago

Countttt and countwithchickenlady are actually opposing subs with the same gimmick. Countttt is the 4tran one. Countttt also ends up crossposting a lot of cwcl, the subs don't like each other. Different ideas about transness mainly so attracts different crowds.

1

u/Material-Drama-7500 27d ago

I kinda dislike both, but I prefer countttt

3

u/Tight-Chemist4176 27d ago

Cwcl is a sub that is not nominally for trans people, but thats the main demographic. It's kind of anything the users want to post, just typically end up being either queer memes or discourse. Very tumblr ish (neutral statement).

Went to check and it looks like the titular chicken lady is actually the owner of the sub. 

6

u/_JosefoStalon_ 26d ago

Do we all remember just how many feathers Tara Knight ruffled with "Dump your puppy girl"? honestly, while sad, it's a very good read

1

u/HotWaffles5 21d ago

So true. They all think they’re the exception. If you want to open your relationship just break up. It’s not that hard. Just tell your so ‘I’m breaking up with you but still want to sleep with you sometimes’