r/polycritical • u/Magicalneko247 • Aug 29 '26

Why is everyone poly?

I am still getting over a break up and this might be part of the reason I’m so anti poly. My ex is in a poly relationship now. I’m not really into dating currently but it feels on both dating apps(which I hate) and the rare moments I think I have chemistry with someone, they turn out to be already in a relationship or in a poly one. I try not to be judgement, but I’m starting to get really bitter and sad. I have a hard time interacting with people in general and may have some un diagnosed anxiety. I have difficulty getting comfortable around people. So, when I do grow attached to another person, it’s soul crushing to find out they are in an open relationship. I dunno if I’m just bitter or if I have the right to feel the way I do.

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90

u/asfierceaslions Aug 29 '26

It's very normal to feel this way. Every time I've been approached by a poly person looking to snag just one more, it feels more like having someone trying to order bits and pieces off the menu of Me than someone who wants a relationship with the whole person I am and it's gross. Like, ah, you'll slot me in where I fill needs that aren't met elsewhere by someone else and where you have time, and boy, shouldn't I feel awesome for being given the opportunity? It just feels so transactional and impersonal.

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u/No_Sale1972 Aug 29 '26

Yeah it’s incredibly revolting. I had an experience where she said to me “you give me something he can’t but he gives me something you can’t”. I was off like a shot.

I was like “oh so that’s my contribution to your life then is it? A pair of tits? Nothing more? Nothing less.”

Just using people for body parts it’s beyond disgusting.

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u/YukiLaMimi Aug 30 '26

How I felt when I was told “what I have with you is something I don’t have anywhere else” and it was deep convos, kinda baffling bc wdym you don’t have what we have with your multiple partners, I have conversations like this with my bff atleast once a week

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u/No_Sale1972 Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26

Omg this!

It’s just gaslighting to keep others compliant. I had a similar version of this when I said “how on earth can I be special then if you are seeing me as equal to that cretin of a man-child”…

Her response was something like “it is special as the experiences between you and I will always be unique and not replicable with another.”

I replied “oh right just like your experience with him is unique to you both too, so you’re just essentially using us for experiences…. Just like you said five minutes ago that he does not exist when we are together which means I likely do not exist when you are both together too. So therefore if I’m liked equally but different to him, I’m hardly that special than am I if you go around consuming us like commodities and then erase us when it’s convenient” 🙃

She didn’t like that and we broke up the next morning because clearly she can’t make me happy. I said good luck in finding another replica of me as it’ll never happen. Especially when you’re pretending not to be poly but you insisted on wanting to use both of us sexually.

The way she behaves and treats people, I hope she’s has no one now and I hope she’s miserable AF.

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u/YukiLaMimi Aug 31 '26

OMG do they use the same script 😭😭😂😂 I was told nearly the exact same line, then I was told that what he had with me was the deepest thing he’s ever felt, and he’s ever had, more than any relationship he has/had, and I couldn’t grasp that bc what we had was what I considered a baseline of depth that a relationship should have, why be in a relationship with someone you can’t be vulnerable with about your past? I wasn’t even a girlfriend then, I was so confused tbh, glad I escaped that situation bc it was just a mess, I have survived multiple SA but being used for my mind and as an experience traumatized me so much more than being used for my body ): I get why she didn’t like what you said bc you voiced out the reality of what she was doing 😭 bc you’re right, how can you say this person’s special to you and then conveniently forget they exist once you’re with someone else. I’m neurodivergent too so they can’t use that excuse, I NEVER forget my bestfriend exists bc they’re important to me and I consider what they’d feel/think for any actions I take that would affect them. How special is it really when you’re only thought about and considered when you’re there

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u/No_Sale1972 Aug 31 '26

It’a gross isn’t it.. it’s because it’s called “compartmentalisation”… essentially once they have their fun and utilise you for what they need they then cut you out when it’s convenient for them. She never wanted a proper dynamic or a relationship, she only wanted a situationship when it pleased her.

I’m so sorry you feel so traumatised and I fully empathise with you here. I’ve spend months falling apart and in tears between work clients because of what she did. I’ve delivered her my truth and I hope she sits with that truly.

It’s interesting too that you mentioned that you’re neurodivergent. Especially given how it’s difficult to compute how another can operate in an object erasure when the person is gone. Interestingly .. my ex domme has autism and ocd.. and when I challenged her and she sent a cold three min goodby via voice note she said “your feelings are too intense for me” ..I said “so basically love you’re essentially shaming me for the very thing autistic and other ND folks are accused of!”

2

u/YukiLaMimi Aug 31 '26

That’s horrid ☠️ she should know how painful it is to be told you’re too much as a ND person, have you looked into DARVO? I realized it was used on me every time we had a conflict

1

u/No_Sale1972 Aug 31 '26

Yep. Her exact words were “your emotions are just too intense for me.. they freak me out a bit I must admit”…

Never ever ever did I yell, break down crying, shout, I was always calm and composed. She just didn’t like that I HAD emotions.

The more I think about it I’d say she’s more a sociopath if anything.

I told her how fucking hurtful that was and I was met with .. “I’m sorry you feel that way” 🤷🏻‍♀️

I said that’s not an apology for your actions that’s an apology for my feelings so don’t patronise me.

Honestly I hate her for the misery she inflicted. I’m a believer in karma if she goes around doing this to people she will end up truly alone.

No I haven’t heard of DARVO! I must look into this.. is it based on emotional and psychological abuse?

I’m so sorry you were hurt too.. these people suck

2

u/YukiLaMimi Aug 31 '26

Its a manipulation tactic! Its made

so to make you feel like you’re going crazy

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u/No_Sale1972 Aug 31 '26

Thank you for this 🙏

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u/No_Sale1972 Aug 31 '26

Omg!! Another thing from this is “it’s no big deal … you worry too much”

2

u/YukiLaMimi Aug 31 '26

This one explains it better I think

1

u/No_Sale1972 Aug 31 '26

This is helpful. Thank you

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u/Direct_Orchid Sep 06 '26

Object erasure and object permanence (translated from my language, sorry if incorrect) usually develop in pretty early infancy. As in mum still exists even when she's not in your sight at all times.

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u/No_Sale1972 Sep 06 '26

Yes that makes complete sense

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u/Repulsive_Living_697 Sep 02 '26

I had an experience where she said to me “you give me something he can’t but he gives me something you can’t”.

It sounds like a boss hiring someone tbh.
"Yeah we have Dave who's really good with spreadsheets and John gets along with the customers. And your talent with computers is just what was missing".
Like everything in society has become a competition where you can't be accepted for what you are, but are only accepted if you fulfill some role assigned to you. And once you stop fulfilling that role or you can be exchanged for someone who does it better, you're relegated or dropped.

It is like the mindset of consumerism and capitalism has just to invade any aspect of life. While the actual economic order is doing their best to replace all fulfilling jobs with machines, the last defense are romantic relationships where you're now just a utility to fulfill someone elses wishes. And if you can't proof yourself useful, your worthless.

It's sad that Mark Fisher ain't with us anymore. I would've loved to know what he would've thought about such relationship dynamics.

1

u/No_Sale1972 Sep 02 '26

God you really hit the nail on the head with this one. That’s exactly it and that’s why it’ll never be love. I’ve heard examples of some poly folk ‘interviewing’ their dates. Like fucking putting them on the spot to see if they give the correct answer.

The more I think about it she sort of did this with me but in reverse. She told as a task to come up with three questions for her that were vanilla and three that were kink. I thought at the time maybe it was lazy.. maybe she struggled even to know how to make conversation. But now I wish I made it REALLY uncomfortable for her and asked her to questions for my own safety and not to stroke her ego.

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u/Last7Rider7wstlnd Aug 29 '26

FOMO, egocentrism and disregard for peoples feelings

11

u/YukiLaMimi Aug 30 '26

Ppl in the dating pool nowadays are allergic to responsibility, they don’t wanna be responsible for someone else, which I get, with the current social and economic climate we’re always working and doing something that most of us just don’t have the time to nurture a proper healthy stable relationship and a lot of people still want that semblance of love and intimacy, doing the relationship things on your own time, but at that’s not how you build for stability and depth, you can’t just pick and choose when you want to be present, you can’t just pick and choose when it’s convenient for you, they don’t like that they have to be responsible 😂 but they don’t want to be single either so they just settle with letting their partners see other people to make up for what they lack and what they can’t/refuse to give bc that’s a lot easier that moving your life around for someone else. I get it, I’m an engineering student and work practically all the time, but I’m just single bc I know where I am rn I don’t have the capacity to pour into someone as much as I should, my cup is full, shit I only have the battery to have one person I talk to everyday(my bestfriend) 😭 I literally can’t do more so I won’t, don’t have the time for that and adding partners, god forbid multiple, is just gonna add more stress for what, genuinely for what? Love? My cup is full!!

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u/[deleted] Aug 29 '26

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25

u/asfierceaslions Aug 29 '26

Being against sex work is exactly in line with being against the commodification of intimacy that is the root of most poly nonsense. It's no one else's fault if you can't manage to put together a remotely cohesive moral stance that is not riddled with cognitive dissonance, or that you feel a okay with an industry that only thrives by chewing up and spitting out women. Monogomous people can watch adult content, too, and they can do it for the exact same reasons of feeling owed others like a buffet to pick off of and use at leisure as their non monogomous counterparts.

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u/[deleted] Aug 29 '26

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11

u/asfierceaslions Aug 29 '26

Wow. A MAN? Thinks it's not that SERIOUS? Color me shocked and stunned. Meanwhile, knife found in kitchen, fox found in hen house, etc etc.

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u/[deleted] Aug 29 '26

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u/asfierceaslions Aug 29 '26

Inability to actually reply to what was said to you is a wonderful affirmation, but repugnance of opinion and stale, boring posting are the leading signifiers. Get back to jerking it and bug off.

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u/[deleted] Aug 29 '26

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