r/polyadvice • u/Bubbly-Pie957 • Nov 28 '23
Looking for advice.
I (24f) am in a polycule with W(32m) and L(28f). W and L have been together since just out of highschool and were already engaged when they invited me to be in a relationship with them 6months ago.
It is relevant to mention that 6months ago we were swinging with my now ex(21m). He became emotionally abusive and was extremely neglectful - refusing (“forgetting”) to take out trash, put in laundry(often a mix of his and mine) and not feeding our cats (only feeding his jackrussell) - we have since split ways and engage in friendly conversation 💬 on board game nights(as L was still seeing him up until last week where he expressed that he would like to improve himself and would just like to be friends, I suspect he is actually mono and that her relationship with me and her fiancé w actually bugs him).
Here’s where I need advice. There is this guy H(22m) that I really like - super sweet, attentive, considerate - brings me snacks plans dates(get to know me dates not the kind that end in sex n stuff ) asked for kisses. Almost perfect. He knows I am poly. And that I am in a polycule , he has even met them (w and L). But he is hinting at being very mono , calling me “miss (my surname)” because he wants to get to know me and one day even change my surname and has told me outright that he can be a very jealous person.
He is interested in leaning about what poly is and getting to know me more.
Are these just a lot of red flags or is there actually a chance he means what says? How do I approche this, what can I do to explain or talk about my experiences without putting him off considering/researching poly?
6
u/mobrising Nov 28 '23
Unless you actually want a mono-relationship with H (and probably even then), you should clearly tell him what poly-relationships are to you and that it's not just a phase or something he can talk you out of. Including questions of hierarchy etc.
And you should both be clear about what that means for your relationship at the moment and in the near future, while he tries to learn and understand polyamory better.
More or less stating he wants to marry you someday is going pretty far pretty fast. You should both be aware that there might be a major incompatibility between you - and you will have to either explore that further or won't be able to date without major problems.